So...
Introductions have been made, albeit brief and painfully superficial. It is what it is, and it will have to do.
Now to the matter at hand, how to communicate change to someone without the relevant language? Someone whose understanding of how to show affection is limited to working hard, keeping you well fed and the belief that everything is automatically and simply just "understood" without verbalisation.
That everything is "easy" and that one is neither required to think or try, just "do"? That change and thus growth is "bad"?
You circumvent the whole defensive structure altogether.
After all my trials and errors, I found that if I could make her feel safe enough in our existing relationship, she would grow and change by her own accord. Of course, she has changed ever so slowly over the years, but at the previous pace it would take multiple lifetimes to get anywhere profound.
So, I set about mapping and researching how to feel exactly that, "safe enough". I had already used several techniques throughout our relationship thus far, but I amplified my efforts and focused hard.
I took control.
After the introduction of the contract mentioned in the first post, I had opened a window for some verbalization. I'm not saying she would immediately accept and embrace that which I spoke of, but it allowed me to plant seeds that could grow or wither in the days, weeks, months and years to come.
I briefly explained the problems we had, as I perceived them. Some in more detail than others. I explained that I was neither willing nor able to keep going like we had and I both encouraged and listened to her side of the story.
The groundwork had been laid. And what turned out to become a pattern was manifested for the first time.
Now as my first post would've illustrated, verbalization alone is not enough when it comes to my wife. So I left the above to mature within her and started what essentially turned everything around.
Creating a physical space so reassuring that her defensive mechanisms would drop and would allow for her to be herself.
Where I in the past, every night spent together for 15 years, had kissed her goodnight and told her I loved her before going to sleep (whether she was awake or not), I would now shower her with even more physical attention. Lots of kisses and smooches in addition to my declaration of love. Not to get "lucky", but simply to hammer home my presence.
I introduced what could be called "shoulder-time" where upon going to bed, I'd move her onto my arm so as to hold her in my secure embrace. She lapped it up. Starting with maneuvering/moving her onto my arm from an initial spooning position, she'd organically seek out resting her head on my shoulder and sometimes chest, facing me.
In this new position I will stroke her hair, kiss her forehead and just hold her, making her feel safe. Depending on where in the cycle I will describe later, I might even whisper reassurances to her. All without intention or expectation of anything more than to provide the safe space she seems to need.
That being said, more often than not she'd organically let her "hands wander" and we'd get intimate. Bonus! XD
But this wasn't all. While still in a moderately receptive place after the initial shock of the contract and subsequent verbalizations, I put and end to behaviors I in the past had let slip.
I pointed out patterns in her communication that were for instance disrespectful, hurtful, or the omission of which was problematic.
In past attempts to get to know my wife better she'd normally respond with single sentence answers so superficial that the very use of the word 'answers' is generous. Where she'd grown accustomed to giving "lip" if unhappy about the slightest little thing I now simply told her that it was unacceptable and that I wouldn't stand for it any longer.
She complied, immediately.
Now, I've always had "the last word" in our dynamic, but she not only started giving fuller answer if I prompted her, but she'd even volunteer anecdotes and descriptions from her life. She even started asking me for advice and started using me as a source of knowledge/reference.
This is much bigger than you think.
Like I said, my wife is from southeast asia, Thailand to be specific. I'm not. In her eyes I am "farang". A term ascribed to caucasian foreigners both as an expression of "envy" and respect, but also out of "pity" for not being Thai.
What this, at least in my wifes case, leads to is that as a farang, my word, my input holds less weight than her Thai family and even her Thai friends in my home country of Norway, where we live.
Even on matters where it should be obvious that I would have more knowledge and experience with norwegian ways of doing various things. Whether it be how to start/run a business, how to maneuver various social systems etc etc.
Like I pointed out above, all of this changed.
And most importantly of all, she softened up and bloomed in the process.
I've never seen her smile so much and so often as I've done after starting this process. I've never seen her so happy or content. It almost boggles the mind to see how much she changed over how little time.
Also because she started surprising me.
But I should quickly interject that this process affected me as well. "Tidying up" the mess that was our relationship at this point in many ways set me free. I more or less stopped holding back and became much more assertive and "dominating" than before.
And I'm pretty sure her response is in part because of this.
Anyway, she started surprising me sometimes in ways I did not expect. I'll only outline the "biggest" ones, but keep in mind that these surprises fall into a long chain of minor and major changes in her behavior.
One thing is that I quite by accident got her close to, or into subspace even before I was familiar with the term. This actually more or less deserves its own blog-entry considering all the things that were observed and learnt. Maybe at a later date.
Another was on her initiative and without any prompting or hinting on my behalf whatsoever.
She started addressing me with "pah krap".
"Pah" is thai for papa, father, daddy - a paternal title. "Krap" is a polite term appended to words and sentences, especially when communicating with elders or figures of authority or whom command respect.
In our context it basically translates to "Daddy, sir".
Now, I actually have some issues with the use of such titulations between adults, but I recognize the significance and this is one thing I'm more than happy to let slip XD
At first she only used it when she was at her most relaxed, but it is now a part of her everyday verbalized language.
Another genuine surprise was when she squirted/gushed from anal penetration alone for the very first time. It would for a myriad of reasons probably have been the most meaningful physical change in her for me personally, but I was so shocked (in a good way!) that I was more or less reduced to an observer as I thus came with her XD
Now, the reasons for why this is so significant for me is because even though I introduced anal sex within 6 months of meeting her to the half-hearted objections of "it could kill her", she to this day refuses to acknowledge that she enjoys it.
Nevermind that she even before the above mentioned surprise, has had some of her strongest orgasms from it over the years. Anything other than her partner coming in her pussy is a major psychological hangup on her behalf.
The only time she's ever admitted to enjoying and liking it was when she was in/close to subspace as mentioned earlier. Then she admitted it with a deep, relaxed smile on her face.
Now, this is doubly important for me, not only because I already preferred anal before meeting my wife, but also because of our interactions and problems over the years, it has developed into something that could be considered close to, or related to a kink for me.
Or rather, I grew an increasing aversion to vaginal sex.
When your partner for more than 10 years never, ever gives you what you like or desire, but only allows you to "take" it, it becomes more than the act itself. When your partner only ever wants the exact same thing over and over and over, that too acquires new meaning and associations.
And when every attempt to get closer is met with rejection for 10+ years it tends to get associated with the one thing she wants.
Don't get me wrong, I still love my wifes pussy, it's the best I've ever had, but I've also hated it. It became a symbol of everything wrong with our relationship. A temple of rejection.
It became so bad I'd have problems remaining rigid, even when taking to fantasy and dreams to keep going.
Although this is my problem as a result of her behavior, I'm happy to convey that this is also on the mend.
There were other changes and surprises as well however.
For, after 15 years of coaxing, my wife in her unlocked state of relaxation finally told me that prior to me, she had only given head twice in her life. Because, just as I love assfucking, oral was something I had been deeply missing in our relationship. The two times she had done so in the past had been followed with expressions of accomplishment on her behalf I simply couldn't understand at the time.
That too has changed. With my careful and meticulous approach she grew to demonstrate something I had never even imagined.
An incredible willingness, almost eagerness, to push herself to please me. With oral "back on the menu", I encouraged exploration and she went all in. The first time she deepthroated me it ended with a violent and uncontrollable climax on my behalf when she started gagging on my dick. It was hot as fuck and well, like I said, the results were as described.
I came in fact so hard and deep in her throat that it shot up into her nose, which was unfortunately unpleasant for her but no less sexy for me 😜 The next time she deepthroated me, she withdrew as I came, leaving me with a half-assed finish I gently told her to try to avoid in the future.
And boy almighty did she follow through.
Now, I need to preface this next section with the fact that I'm NOT into vomit o.O But, when your wife sucks your dick so deep and with such vigor that she throws up, AND THEN GETS BACK TO IT to finish you off (without you prompting or expecting it), you'll be left impressed. Trust me o.O
Fuck me, she is really trying hard and I love her even more for it.
The next time there was no puking luckily enough, but I shot up her nose again. But this time... she only commented on it humorously. If you're unaware, that means that it's being accepted and normalized .
But the next time again she tried to the point that she puked all over me and the bed. And what's more important was that she seemed genuinely apologetic for not being able to go back and finish the act. As I neither wanted or needed an apology for this, I comforted and reassured her instead.
Her apologizing is doubly (again!) important, however.
In 15 years my wife has never apologized or said thank you. For anything. Because you're supposed to "just know" without anything having been said, remember?
Not anymore. Not only did she needlessly apologize for not being able to finish sucking me off, but she now also apologizes if it's due otherwise as well.
Before rounding off our "oral adventures" (lol), however, I feel it prudent to point out yet another change related to this topic. She now verbalizes that she enjoys it. She's basically said on several occasions with a mischievous smile on her face that she loves sucking my dick!
I must've stumbled into an alternative reality or something o.O
Either way, these are but some examples of the many changes that took place initially within the first 2 months of the process I started. Some are of a newer date than that, but it's time to point out that this has not been a straight forward process where we've gone from "win to win".
The process we find ourselves in follows a cyclic nature.
It starts with a "shock" phase to shake my wife out of the patterns she invariably settles into which allows me to verbalize, ever so carefully, some areas we could/should work on, followed by actual introduction and implementation of the changes I'm introducing.
Then follows a period of repetition and follow-up to see if it sits well with her, before it becomes normalized and eventually appreciated/desired.
This latter stage however leads to her settling into a new pattern and growth stops. Until the point where I "shake things up" again and the process repeats itself.
This is actually pretty much what I had been doing in the past, but now at an exponentially accelerated rate. If we take all of the examples from above (as well as the myriad I've left unsaid) this has all taken place in the matter of 4 months total, whereas previously it would literally take me years to perform the cycle, and usually in only a single area at a time.
All that being said, there have been setbacks and plenty of them! Most of the time they've actually provided me the opportunity to shake things up as described above, but the last one was near crippling.
I honestly though the marriage was finished and even though we did get past it and the physicality of the changes before that point were quickly re-established. It took a good 2 months to get the relational development back on track.
And would you believe it, one of the last things to be reestablished happened today, between sessions of writing this blog-entry o.O
Either way. The process I've described is what I refer to as the "Silen Touch" methodology. It might sound simple, it might look easy. But it isn't. It requires, at least initially, immense effort on my behalf. The amount of time and effort I've spent on analyzing, testing and trying is difficult to meaningfully convey.
It requires constant vigilance, observation and on-the-fly adjustment. If you have a moment to spare, you spend it on trying to facilitate those special moments where you can do the aforementioned preparatory work, the follow-up that former introductions require, or just trying to make sure that your time is as well spent as possible.
Because time remains an issue.
Not only does my wife work a lot (1 day off the last 3 weeks, one third of her days working double shifts), but one tiny little detail I didn't deem relevant up till now:
I'm 100% medically disabled with medium to medium-severe M.E. (Myalgic encephalomyelitis). I'm in constant physical pain or discomfort and have been so for 19 years, and what's worse is that I have maybe 2 hours on any given day of "full functionality" before my reduced energy levels leave me at a reduced state.
Add to that the fact that we have two children, one of which with severe behavioral challenges whose follow-up is our main priority at all times and yeah, we don't have a lot of time for "just us" o.O
There are other challenges we face in the daily as well, but you get the gist of it.
So to sum up:
By reinforcing the framework of our relationship to demonstrate the safety she can expect from it, she has not only proven more responsive to the elements I've introduced, but has in addition introduced elements of her own that demonstrate the potential for the dynamic I belive suits us best.
She seems happier and more content than ever, more relaxed and secure. We joke, we tease, we play and we enjoy eachother at a level we've never done before. She seeks my presence more than ever, both in and out of bed and I dare say she seems more balanced and well-rounded when interacting with especially our troubled daughter.
And she gets turned on a lot quicker and to a much higher degree than before ;-)
Next entry, unless otherwise requested, will describe the path forwards from a functional vanilla relationship, to one of more explicit D/s dynamics and more intense BDSM expressions.
F