Alrighty then, it's time to move forward.
At least with the blog :-P
Anyway, you've had your introductions to both parties involved and the challenges and the methodology emplyed to adress them. You've been given a brief insight into where we're at so it's time to look ahead - to take a glimpse down the path I'm opening up for us both.
IF and when _we_ get there is a totally different topic, but all in due time.
Now, as I've alluded to previously. This relationship has changed me. Profoundly. Where I realize that I've always had these inclinations, they've now manifested as actual needs and desires. I'm not saying that that which I seek to explore is something that will end up "being my jam", but they must at the very least be explored to the point where I can say so with some degree of certainty.
I could in theory go through the specifics of the various dynamics and mechanics of that which I now need to test, and to an extent I probably have to, but they are all results of patterns and deeper meaning.
D/s dynamics and BDSM are not kink or fetish to me; they're languages that allows expression of intimacy and intensity, connection and trust that I can find no paralell to. Yes, the thoughts of spanking/choking/-enter_kink_here- my partner comes across as sexy on a surface level too, but what it's really about is her trust in me and my control in at least this little avenue of life.
It's "pure communication", "radical trust", intimacy in it's purest form. A merger of sorts, a coexistance on a level where it could possibly be described as instinctual. A state where we could tell eachother and/or the world; "Look at what we're willing to do for eachother" with pride, love and devotion, free of shame or reservation. A state of mutual and equal appreciation, where we can be free. Me, so free that I can find respite from my ever-busy mind, and her free of the shackles her traumas impose on her, the control her defensive-mechanisms have superimposed on her.
Easy-peasy considering the amount of work required to maybe just possibly get to where at least I need to go o.O
So how to get there?
I've briefly described "silent touch", but even at the vastly accelerated rate of change this has opened up for, I know I'm asking for "too much, too quickly". There's more on the agenda, mind you - consensual subliminal hypnosis is on the docket and organic, mindfull conditioning is another. But even with these tools, we're talking years of work and waiting.
But right now we're in a place of forced pause. Not because of me, not because of her, but because of other factors of which we have much less control. Problems that are objectively speaking more important than our personal dynamic.
We have two children together, and the oldest (13yo girl) has some pretty severe behavioral issues. I'm not gonna dilute the blog with too many details, but the long and short of it is that she's probably neurodivergent like me, but far from as high-functioning. And when meeting a mother whoms lack of emotional language has so profoundly affected even me, it becomes difficult. She's currently institutionalized, but hopefully we will get her back within a month and that's when the real work begins.
Now before you misunderstand, misread or misconstrue me. I do NOT blame my wifes trauma and upbringing for our daughters problems, I'm not even sure it's the biggest single cause of them. But it IS a part of it, just like you can assume that the dynamic between my wife and I indirectly has affected our daughter as well. It's hideously complicated and deserves a blog series all of it own. But not now and not here.
Thankfully, after years of looking for help, working with the Child Protection Services and seeing how the latter has made everything worse, we've finally been given what appears to be some proper, qualified help. Possibly the best therapeutic team in the country has been recruited (and payed for!) by the CPS and it looks VERY promising.
But we're still looking at at least 2 years of concerted effort by an increasingly large support structure and yeah, the dynamics between my wife and I... they have to wait.
That being said...
It does possibly offer something I had never dared hope for. Therapy relevant to our situation.
If you're unfamiliar with how behavioral issues in children are best dealt with, it boils down to family therapy. And the team has already identified the relational problems between our daughter and my wife as one of the biggest adressable hurdles to overcome.
They've got vast experience with multi-cultural family structures, trauma etc and my hope is that they can and will take over some of the workload I've had pressing down on my shoulders for effectively speaking, years if not a decade or more. This delegation might offer me a form of control and respite I desperately need.
If they can help my wife develop conscious introspection, help her overcome her trauma and maybe even help me with how to better deal with the stress and pressure of situation we find us in, we'll all benefit.
Because the stress is real, the pressure is real and the pain is much too real.
I started the process with my wife because I had no choice. The combination of stressors in my life (and there're more than I've described) basically led me to experience something I believe is referred to as compulsive suicidality. When the body itself overrides the mind and requires a break so badly that it can literally force your hand.
It scared the living shit out of me.
Because, I have never been and am to this day not suicidal - I have a million things to live for and that I wish to do! But as the above compulsivity demonstrated, sometimes it's just too much, no matter how strong your will, your endurance and your motivation.
I'm far from that point as of now, but I'm still struggling with long-term depression and am as close to being burnt out as one can. If not outright so. My emotions swim dangerously close to the surface, I have mood swings, and the stress and pressure makes my hands and sometimes head shake uncontrollably several times a day.
I've had multiple, severe mental breakdowns in a distant past and I'm nowhere close, but the shakes and moodswings are bad enough o.O And in the past 4 years I've already brought the marriage back from the brink of divorce three times, myself from the brink of actual breakdowns as many times and have had two heart attacks in the process.
So yeah, all I have to do is find the energy to continue to deal. For 1-3 more years at minimum.
And if I'm lucky the process will bring us closer than ever, and if we grow apart that's fine too. Even if I knew how to quit, there's too much at stake, and anything is better than where we came from. Even a divorce born out of growth, as opposed to stagnation.
This will probably be the last piece of this series for a long, long time and I hope you've gotten something from reading it.