Chronicling the possibly impossible, preface to a series.

Alrighty then, it's time to move forward.

At least with the blog :-P

Anyway, you've had your introductions to both parties involved and the challenges and the methodology emplyed to adress them. You've been given a brief insight into where we're at so it's time to look ahead - to take a glimpse down the path I'm opening up for us both.

IF and when _we_ get there is a totally different topic, but all in due time.

Now, as I've alluded to previously. This relationship has changed me. Profoundly. Where I realize that I've always had these inclinations, they've now manifested as actual needs and desires. I'm not saying that that which I seek to explore is something that will end up "being my jam", but they must at the very least be explored to the point where I can say so with some degree of certainty.

I could in theory go through the specifics of the various dynamics and mechanics of that which I now need to test, and to an extent I probably have to, but they are all results of patterns and deeper meaning.

D/s dynamics and BDSM are not kink or fetish to me; they're languages that allows expression of intimacy and intensity, connection and trust that I can find no paralell to. Yes, the thoughts of spanking/choking/-enter_kink_here- my partner comes across as sexy on a surface level too, but what it's really about is her trust in me and my control in at least this little avenue of life.

It's "pure communication", "radical trust", intimacy in it's purest form. A merger of sorts, a coexistance on a level where it could possibly be described as instinctual. A state where we could tell eachother and/or the world; "Look at what we're willing to do for eachother" with pride, love and devotion, free of shame or reservation. A state of mutual and equal appreciation, where we can be free. Me, so free that I can find respite from my ever-busy mind, and her free of the shackles her traumas impose on her, the control her defensive-mechanisms have superimposed on her.

Easy-peasy considering the amount of work required to maybe just possibly get to where at least I need to go o.O

So how to get there?

I've briefly described "silent touch", but even at the vastly accelerated rate of change this has opened up for, I know I'm asking for "too much, too quickly". There's more on the agenda, mind you - consensual subliminal hypnosis is on the docket and organic, mindfull conditioning is another. But even with these tools, we're talking years of work and waiting.

But right now we're in a place of forced pause. Not because of me, not because of her, but because of other factors of which we have much less control. Problems that are objectively speaking more important than our personal dynamic.

We have two children together, and the oldest (13yo girl) has some pretty severe behavioral issues. I'm not gonna dilute the blog with too many details, but the long and short of it is that she's probably neurodivergent like me, but far from as high-functioning. And when meeting a mother whoms lack of emotional language has so profoundly affected even me, it becomes difficult. She's currently institutionalized, but hopefully we will get her back within a month and that's when the real work begins.

Now before you misunderstand, misread or misconstrue me. I do NOT blame my wifes trauma and upbringing for our daughters problems, I'm not even sure it's the biggest single cause of them. But it IS a part of it, just like you can assume that the dynamic between my wife and I indirectly has affected our daughter as well. It's hideously complicated and deserves a blog series all of it own. But not now and not here.

Thankfully, after years of looking for help, working with the Child Protection Services and seeing how the latter has made everything worse, we've finally been given what appears to be some proper, qualified help. Possibly the best therapeutic team in the country has been recruited (and payed for!) by the CPS and it looks VERY promising.

But we're still looking at at least 2 years of concerted effort by an increasingly large support structure and yeah, the dynamics between my wife and I... they have to wait.

That being said...

It does possibly offer something I had never dared hope for. Therapy relevant to our situation.

If you're unfamiliar with how behavioral issues in children are best dealt with, it boils down to family therapy. And the team has already identified the relational problems between our daughter and my wife as one of the biggest adressable hurdles to overcome.

They've got vast experience with multi-cultural family structures, trauma etc and my hope is that they can and will take over some of the workload I've had pressing down on my shoulders for effectively speaking, years if not a decade or more. This delegation might offer me a form of control and respite I desperately need.

If they can help my wife develop conscious introspection, help her overcome her trauma and maybe even help me with how to better deal with the stress and pressure of situation we find us in, we'll all benefit.

Because the stress is real, the pressure is real and the pain is much too real.

I started the process with my wife because I had no choice. The combination of stressors in my life (and there're more than I've described) basically led me to experience something I believe is referred to as compulsive suicidality. When the body itself overrides the mind and requires a break so badly that it can literally force your hand.

It scared the living shit out of me.

Because, I have never been and am to this day not suicidal - I have a million things to live for and that I wish to do! But as the above compulsivity demonstrated, sometimes it's just too much, no matter how strong your will, your endurance and your motivation.

I'm far from that point as of now, but I'm still struggling with long-term depression and am as close to being burnt out as one can. If not outright so. My emotions swim dangerously close to the surface, I have mood swings, and the stress and pressure makes my hands and sometimes head shake uncontrollably several times a day.

I've had multiple, severe mental breakdowns in a distant past and I'm nowhere close, but the shakes and moodswings are bad enough o.O And in the past 4 years I've already brought the marriage back from the brink of divorce three times, myself from the brink of actual breakdowns as many times and have had two heart attacks in the process.

So yeah, all I have to do is find the energy to continue to deal. For 1-3 more years at minimum.

And if I'm lucky the process will bring us closer than ever, and if we grow apart that's fine too. Even if I knew how to quit, there's too much at stake, and anything is better than where we came from. Even a divorce born out of growth, as opposed to stagnation.

This will probably be the last piece of this series for a long, long time and I hope you've gotten something from reading it.

So...

Introductions have been made, albeit brief and painfully superficial. It is what it is, and it will have to do.

Now to the matter at hand, how to communicate change to someone without the relevant language? Someone whose understanding of how to show affection is limited to working hard, keeping you well fed and the belief that everything is automatically and simply just "understood" without verbalisation.

That everything is "easy" and that one is neither required to think or try, just "do"? That change and thus growth is "bad"?

You circumvent the whole defensive structure altogether.

After all my trials and errors, I found that if I could make her feel safe enough in our existing relationship, she would grow and change by her own accord. Of course, she has changed ever so slowly over the years, but at the previous pace it would take multiple lifetimes to get anywhere profound.

So, I set about mapping and researching how to feel exactly that, "safe enough". I had already used several techniques throughout our relationship thus far, but I amplified my efforts and focused hard.

I took control.

After the introduction of the contract mentioned in the first post, I had opened a window for some verbalization. I'm not saying she would immediately accept and embrace that which I spoke of, but it allowed me to plant seeds that could grow or wither in the days, weeks, months and years to come.

I briefly explained the problems we had, as I perceived them. Some in more detail than others. I explained that I was neither willing nor able to keep going like we had and I both encouraged and listened to her side of the story.

The groundwork had been laid. And what turned out to become a pattern was manifested for the first time.

Now as my first post would've illustrated, verbalization alone is not enough when it comes to my wife. So I left the above to mature within her and started what essentially turned everything around.

Creating a physical space so reassuring that her defensive mechanisms would drop and would allow for her to be herself.

Where I in the past, every night spent together for 15 years, had kissed her goodnight and told her I loved her before going to sleep (whether she was awake or not), I would now shower her with even more physical attention. Lots of kisses and smooches in addition to my declaration of love. Not to get "lucky", but simply to hammer home my presence.

I introduced what could be called "shoulder-time" where upon going to bed, I'd move her onto my arm so as to hold her in my secure embrace. She lapped it up. Starting with maneuvering/moving her onto my arm from an initial spooning position, she'd organically seek out resting her head on my shoulder and sometimes chest, facing me.

In this new position I will stroke her hair, kiss her forehead and just hold her, making her feel safe. Depending on where in the cycle I will describe later, I might even whisper reassurances to her. All without intention or expectation of anything more than to provide the safe space she seems to need.

That being said, more often than not she'd organically let her "hands wander" and we'd get intimate. Bonus! XD

But this wasn't all. While still in a moderately receptive place after the initial shock of the contract and subsequent verbalizations, I put and end to behaviors I in the past had let slip.

I pointed out patterns in her communication that were for instance disrespectful, hurtful, or the omission of which was problematic.

In past attempts to get to know my wife better she'd normally respond with single sentence answers so superficial that the very use of the word 'answers' is generous. Where she'd grown accustomed to giving "lip" if unhappy about the slightest little thing I now simply told her that it was unacceptable and that I wouldn't stand for it any longer.

She complied, immediately.

Now, I've always had "the last word" in our dynamic, but she not only started giving fuller answer if I prompted her, but she'd even volunteer anecdotes and descriptions from her life. She even started asking me for advice and started using me as a source of knowledge/reference.

This is much bigger than you think.

Like I said, my wife is from southeast asia, Thailand to be specific. I'm not. In her eyes I am "farang". A term ascribed to caucasian foreigners both as an expression of "envy" and respect, but also out of "pity" for not being Thai.

What this, at least in my wifes case, leads to is that as a farang, my word, my input holds less weight than her Thai family and even her Thai friends in my home country of Norway, where we live.

Even on matters where it should be obvious that I would have more knowledge and experience with norwegian ways of doing various things. Whether it be how to start/run a business, how to maneuver various social systems etc etc.

Like I pointed out above, all of this changed.

And most importantly of all, she softened up and bloomed in the process.

I've never seen her smile so much and so often as I've done after starting this process. I've never seen her so happy or content. It almost boggles the mind to see how much she changed over how little time.

Also because she started surprising me.

But I should quickly interject that this process affected me as well. "Tidying up" the mess that was our relationship at this point in many ways set me free. I more or less stopped holding back and became much more assertive and "dominating" than before.

And I'm pretty sure her response is in part because of this.

Anyway, she started surprising me sometimes in ways I did not expect. I'll only outline the "biggest" ones, but keep in mind that these surprises fall into a long chain of minor and major changes in her behavior.

One thing is that I quite by accident got her close to, or into subspace even before I was familiar with the term. This actually more or less deserves its own blog-entry considering all the things that were observed and learnt. Maybe at a later date.

Another was on her initiative and without any prompting or hinting on my behalf whatsoever.

She started addressing me with "pah krap".

"Pah" is thai for papa, father, daddy - a paternal title. "Krap" is a polite term appended to words and sentences, especially when communicating with elders or figures of authority or whom command respect.

In our context it basically translates to "Daddy, sir".

Now, I actually have some issues with the use of such titulations between adults, but I recognize the significance and this is one thing I'm more than happy to let slip XD

At first she only used it when she was at her most relaxed, but it is now a part of her everyday verbalized language.

Another genuine surprise was when she squirted/gushed from anal penetration alone for the very first time. It would for a myriad of reasons probably have been the most meaningful physical change in her for me personally, but I was so shocked (in a good way!) that I was more or less reduced to an observer as I thus came with her XD

Now, the reasons for why this is so significant for me is because even though I introduced anal sex within 6 months of meeting her to the half-hearted objections of "it could kill her", she to this day refuses to acknowledge that she enjoys it.

Nevermind that she even before the above mentioned surprise, has had some of her strongest orgasms from it over the years. Anything other than her partner coming in her pussy is a major psychological hangup on her behalf.

The only time she's ever admitted to enjoying and liking it was when she was in/close to subspace as mentioned earlier. Then she admitted it with a deep, relaxed smile on her face.

Now, this is doubly important for me, not only because I already preferred anal before meeting my wife, but also because of our interactions and problems over the years, it has developed into something that could be considered close to, or related to a kink for me.

Or rather, I grew an increasing aversion to vaginal sex.

When your partner for more than 10 years never, ever gives you what you like or desire, but only allows you to "take" it, it becomes more than the act itself. When your partner only ever wants the exact same thing over and over and over, that too acquires new meaning and associations.

And when every attempt to get closer is met with rejection for 10+ years it tends to get associated with the one thing she wants.

Don't get me wrong, I still love my wifes pussy, it's the best I've ever had, but I've also hated it. It became a symbol of everything wrong with our relationship. A temple of rejection.

It became so bad I'd have problems remaining rigid, even when taking to fantasy and dreams to keep going.

Although this is my problem as a result of her behavior, I'm happy to convey that this is also on the mend.

There were other changes and surprises as well however.

For, after 15 years of coaxing, my wife in her unlocked state of relaxation finally told me that prior to me, she had only given head twice in her life. Because, just as I love assfucking, oral was something I had been deeply missing in our relationship. The two times she had done so in the past had been followed with expressions of accomplishment on her behalf I simply couldn't understand at the time.

That too has changed. With my careful and meticulous approach she grew to demonstrate something I had never even imagined.

An incredible willingness, almost eagerness, to push herself to please me. With oral "back on the menu", I encouraged exploration and she went all in. The first time she deepthroated me it ended with a violent and uncontrollable climax on my behalf when she started gagging on my dick. It was hot as fuck and well, like I said, the results were as described.

I came in fact so hard and deep in her throat that it shot up into her nose, which was unfortunately unpleasant for her but no less sexy for me 😜 The next time she deepthroated me, she withdrew as I came, leaving me with a half-assed finish I gently told her to try to avoid in the future.

And boy almighty did she follow through.

Now, I need to preface this next section with the fact that I'm NOT into vomit o.O But, when your wife sucks your dick so deep and with such vigor that she throws up, AND THEN GETS BACK TO IT to finish you off (without you prompting or expecting it), you'll be left impressed. Trust me o.O

Fuck me, she is really trying hard and I love her even more for it.

The next time there was no puking luckily enough, but I shot up her nose again. But this time... she only commented on it humorously. If you're unaware, that means that it's being accepted and normalized .

But the next time again she tried to the point that she puked all over me and the bed. And what's more important was that she seemed genuinely apologetic for not being able to go back and finish the act. As I neither wanted or needed an apology for this, I comforted and reassured her instead.

Her apologizing is doubly (again!) important, however.

In 15 years my wife has never apologized or said thank you. For anything. Because you're supposed to "just know" without anything having been said, remember?

Not anymore. Not only did she needlessly apologize for not being able to finish sucking me off, but she now also apologizes if it's due otherwise as well.

Before rounding off our "oral adventures" (lol), however, I feel it prudent to point out yet another change related to this topic. She now verbalizes that she enjoys it. She's basically said on several occasions with a mischievous smile on her face that she loves sucking my dick!

I must've stumbled into an alternative reality or something o.O

Either way, these are but some examples of the many changes that took place initially within the first 2 months of the process I started. Some are of a newer date than that, but it's time to point out that this has not been a straight forward process where we've gone from "win to win".

The process we find ourselves in follows a cyclic nature.

It starts with a "shock" phase to shake my wife out of the patterns she invariably settles into which allows me to verbalize, ever so carefully, some areas we could/should work on, followed by actual introduction and implementation of the changes I'm introducing.

Then follows a period of repetition and follow-up to see if it sits well with her, before it becomes normalized and eventually appreciated/desired.

This latter stage however leads to her settling into a new pattern and growth stops. Until the point where I "shake things up" again and the process repeats itself.

This is actually pretty much what I had been doing in the past, but now at an exponentially accelerated rate. If we take all of the examples from above (as well as the myriad I've left unsaid) this has all taken place in the matter of 4 months total, whereas previously it would literally take me years to perform the cycle, and usually in only a single area at a time.

All that being said, there have been setbacks and plenty of them! Most of the time they've actually provided me the opportunity to shake things up as described above, but the last one was near crippling.

I honestly though the marriage was finished and even though we did get past it and the physicality of the changes before that point were quickly re-established. It took a good 2 months to get the relational development back on track.

And would you believe it, one of the last things to be reestablished happened today, between sessions of writing this blog-entry o.O

Either way. The process I've described is what I refer to as the "Silen Touch" methodology. It might sound simple, it might look easy. But it isn't. It requires, at least initially, immense effort on my behalf. The amount of time and effort I've spent on analyzing, testing and trying is difficult to meaningfully convey.

It requires constant vigilance, observation and on-the-fly adjustment. If you have a moment to spare, you spend it on trying to facilitate those special moments where you can do the aforementioned preparatory work, the follow-up that former introductions require, or just trying to make sure that your time is as well spent as possible.

Because time remains an issue.

Not only does my wife work a lot (1 day off the last 3 weeks, one third of her days working double shifts), but one tiny little detail I didn't deem relevant up till now:

I'm 100% medically disabled with medium to medium-severe M.E. (Myalgic encephalomyelitis). I'm in constant physical pain or discomfort and have been so for 19 years, and what's worse is that I have maybe 2 hours on any given day of "full functionality" before my reduced energy levels leave me at a reduced state.

Add to that the fact that we have two children, one of which with severe behavioral challenges whose follow-up is our main priority at all times and yeah, we don't have a lot of time for "just us" o.O

There are other challenges we face in the daily as well, but you get the gist of it.

So to sum up:

By reinforcing the framework of our relationship to demonstrate the safety she can expect from it, she has not only proven more responsive to the elements I've introduced, but has in addition introduced elements of her own that demonstrate the potential for the dynamic I belive suits us best.

She seems happier and more content than ever, more relaxed and secure. We joke, we tease, we play and we enjoy eachother at a level we've never done before. She seeks my presence more than ever, both in and out of bed and I dare say she seems more balanced and well-rounded when interacting with especially our troubled daughter.

And she gets turned on a lot quicker and to a much higher degree than before ;-)

Next entry, unless otherwise requested, will describe the path forwards from a functional vanilla relationship, to one of more explicit D/s dynamics and more intense BDSM expressions.

F