At the Dungeon tonight, just feeling lost. Kinda sad tonight. My thoughts are jumbled, yet I need to get them out. Lucky you!
I can't put my finger on it exactly, though I have a few ideas.
This blog post has been brewing for some time. I feel "broken". Those insecurities exacerbated by people that tell me I am important, but words only extend so far. I realize, like most people, when I feel safe and secure I am more authentically me than when I do not feel that. My whole attitude is different.
-i have also heard that I simply don't try enough or hard enough. Anyone who knows me even a little knows that statements like that are a kick to my very inner core-the deepest parts. It is devastating. You have NO IDEA! Submission and service are deep for me.
If you are lucky enough that I tell you my fears-stomping on them, making fun of them, and especially minimizing or disregarding them...none of that will help you. At all. Ask some here who really know me.... My fears are delicate and gentle and fragile.
-lets talk about sex...if in the first 10 minutes sex gets brought up in a conversation, I usually mentally check out. I have a hard enough time with people I really trust, let alone someone that i have exchanged 4 sentences and maybe 20 words.
RACK OFF HAIRY LEGS! Seriously!
And again...to the people in the back.....captivate my mind first! For the love of all things good....seriously. Don't try to captivate me with talks of sex...makes me want to vomit and I feel 50 shades of broken and awful. Even now I am wiping a tear from my eye...ugh....tears. They are sparkly tears of course :)
The night is going to be long...i feel like I don't belong around here anymore...though I feel like I'm broken, I know that I'm not. I am me. I am sparkly 💖 and I am beautiful. none of this makes me weak. Nope!
Think again Batman!
