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Random writings

Sometimes with song lyrics intertwined. What? You don't live in your music?
1 day ago. Sat 16 Feb 2019 01:57:23 AM IST

I had a thought this morning that I might start being a bit more active around here, but that changed by midday.  Hell, it might change again before midnight – who knows.  But I do know this… I’m not here for the drama. 
I was told by someone once that you can’t be on this site without finding yourself in the midst of drama at some point, and that has been true, but I also know that I have a choice to participate or not - and I'm already choosing to NOT.  
The friendships that I have made here are important to me, and to be completely honest, I’m not very good at juggling them, nor do I desire to do so. 

Main point (since my writing isn’t even making a whole lot of sense to me right now):  You do you.  I’m not here to make fun of you, gossip about you, or judge you.  You looking for a relationship?  Awesome.  Looking for some online play?  That’s wonderful.  Wanna fuck 10 chicks in a night?  Go for it.  You won’t hear anything negative about it from me.  You do you (AND OWN IT) and I’ll do me.

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” - Oscar Wilde

And here’s the thing, y’all… I’m overall very happy.  I’ve made my own choices that some don’t agree with, and that’s all fine and dandy.  I’m happy. 

I miss being a part of a community, especially since the local community around here isn’t that great at the moment.  So maybe one more try?  Maybe I’ll actually blog and not hide them all?  Start writing my stories again or something... Oof. 

PS:  Sir?  If you’re reading this… Thank you for today.  It was absolutely lovely and very much needed! 

PPS: The song lyric in this post is so hidden that I’ll actually send you a whole dollar if you find it. 

1 month ago. Mon 07 Jan 2019 04:12:59 AM IST

In the spirit of positive change, I went out today to buy a new shiny bottle of nail polish – just a little something for a little pick-me-up.  I wasn’t half way through painting my nails before deciding that my hair color needed to be changed, too.  So now with some glittery pink nails and some new red hair, I’m ready.  For something. 

More than likely, I’m just ready to put on some makeup tomorrow and dress in some clothes that actually make me feel good.  (Being sick and in pajamas for over a week has been the pits).  But I’m longing for something more as well…

Something that goes a little like this:

(This is about no one in particular – it’s just a longing that even if I’m afraid of, will still always be a part of me).

You dominate me - I submit

You teach me - I learn

You strike me - I burn

You lead me - I follow

You tease me - I ache

You use me - I smile

You nurture me - I grow

You captivate me - I surrender

You cage me - I prowl

You warm me - I glow

You invade me - I yield

You protect me - I thrive

You inspire me - I dream

You excite me - I tremble

You command me - I obey

You own me - I am yours. 

 

Night, y’all! 

1 month ago. Sun 06 Jan 2019 11:54:36 AM IST

“The quarrel is not between ourselves.
It is within us.
The quarrel is between one’s own desires and that which is demanded.
The quarrel is between the body and it’s longings,
The soul and it’s terrors,
And the mind yearning to be free.
The quarrel defines us.
It drives us forwards, upwards, to our knees in prayer
You must embrace the quarrel because the quarrel will lead you to the answer.
It is everything we are.”

I heard this little speech last night while watching “Call the Midwife” and I loved it!

You say you want a drama free life, but the drama is the quarrel.
Running from the pain is never the answer and hiding from the hurt is never the solution.
When you’re in pain, you have to taste it – feel it – and let it push you to make the changes that you want in your life.

And that is my focus right now.  What I CAN change – becoming better for me so when the time comes, I can be better for that someone. 

I’m excited about this! 

1 month ago. Fri 04 Jan 2019 03:44:12 PM IST

I’ve been up the better part of the night accidentally working on my abs.  The coughing from this pneumonia crap may be the death of me, but I’ll be going out with a washboard stomach and I cannot be angry about that. 

5 days sick with only 1 day of sleep has left me with plenty of time to think about things…

Soul searching… I hate it.  I really do.  You may be about to tell me that it’s part of life – that everyone has to do some soul searching at some point – and I’ll disagree with you here.  I haven’t.  I don’t need to.  I’m not meaning to sound stuck up there.  I’m just genuinely one of those people who has always known about me.

I knew that I was submissive from very young.  That has never changed.  My submission has of course grown over the years, but who I am as a submissive remains. 

I knew that I wanted to study Psychology when I was 11 and I made that happen and cannot imagine having gone any other way.  Some people do end up with their dream jobs ;)

I heard what I thought was a beautiful name when I was 10 years old and thought, “If I ever have a daughter, she’ll have that name”  and she does. 

Sitting around and pondering life and what it’s about has never been a thing for me, so I’m resenting where I am now. 

So I’ll now change the title of my last blog from “I don’t want to be submissive anymore” to “I’m afraid to be submissive again”.  And there’s the truth.

I couldn’t get rid of my submission any more than I could change the time the sun shines every day.  But the emotional number that my last relationship has done on me makes me want to hide from submission much the same way that a sad persons wants to hide from the morning sun.

The love of my fucking D/s life turned out to be married, but I wasn’t privy to that information.   He lied while he demanded I be honest.  He brought out all of me while he got to stay silent.  And I loved him while begging him to love me back. 

So maybe it isn’t soul searching so much as it is healing.  Fuck that shit, too. 

1 month ago. Wed 02 Jan 2019 09:47:50 PM IST

I’m not looking for pity by writing this blog, even if it is public.  I’m not looking for anything, really, except to get it out and maybe perhaps see if someone else maybe understands how this feels.  And I’m talking about some soul deep shit here.  Not a feeling like you did this once and it didn’t go your way so you want to pout about it.  No.  Not that at all. 

This is real – this is me – and I don’t know who I am anymore. 

At this moment, I cannot imagine submitting to another man – ever.  And that’s weird to me.  It’s what I’ve always done and what I’ve always known, but maybe that’s the thing – maybe it’s time to try the opposite – to stop being that crazy girl.

I listen to my bestie regale stories of her and her man and some of the things they do.  To hear about him grabbing her by the throat, looking deep into her eyes and asking her “Who do you belong to?” makes my insides sigh a beautiful sound - because my submission is soul deep.  But you know what I want more than that?   I want someone to hold my hand.  I want a man to take my hand and look me in the eyes and tell me that he loves me.  I want to feel the gentle caress of his hand on my face and hear him speak softly to me.  I want that so much that it’s hard to breathe.  That has become more important than the other, and probably for good reason.  I’m starving for romance.  I need to know that I’m important. 

I’m not around Cage much anymore, and I don’t see that changing anytime soon, especially with the way that I’m feeling at the moment. But I can say this:  if I ever do decide to let that submissive woman inside me out again – to the future Dom who gets her… I’m sorry.  I apologize in advance for acting scared and not trusting so easily.  I’m sorry right now for fighting your dominance, because I know I will.  I may not even look or sound submissive to you, but this I promise… If you’re patient, so very patient, you’ll see that submissive woman.  If you persist, so will she.  And if you love her to the point where she knows and feels that you really do, she’ll breathe again and she’ll give you her soul.

4 months ago. Mon 01 Oct 2018 04:48:50 PM IDT

They go hand in hand!  You can’t just take the cake and scrape off the frosting and eat it.  I mean, I guess you can, but no.  Stay on track with me here, people! 

The cake is step one.  You get this first because the cake is the foundation.  This is the woman in me, or human if you prefer.  Can you like the flavor?  It’s baked with ingredients such as mother, caretaker, employee, student, sense of humor, artist, talker, lover of people, anxiousness, kindness, ferociousness, moodiness, love, spirituality, strength, oldies music lover, Dr Pepper aficionado, existentialism, cheerleader for good, the girl who holds the world in a paper cup, and many other ingredients.  This cake has some cracks in it, but it’s still standing.  You can’t find this recipe in a cookbook.  It was God given and handed down from generations before. 

The frosting is step two, but the frosting is what you see first when you look at a finished cake.  How do you know if you like the whole product if you’re only looking at the sugary frosting?  This is the submissive in me – the person that craves your control, pain, sex, humiliation, protection, harshness, and all the other kinky fun weirdness.  The best part about the frosting is that even though all the ingredients are there already, they are amenable.  You can add what you like.  You can cover the cake how you wish.  Put some frosting between the layers and cover the whole cake – make your own personal design in the frosting with swirls, lines, peaks – whatever you desire.  Add sprinkles, or berries, or both!  Then step back and love the finished product as a whole. 

Sure, you may say that frosting is the best part of a cake, but surely we can all agree that after a few spoonful’s of nothing but frosting, it can make you sick and make your teeth hurt.  You get a great sugar high from all this frosting, but like all good highs, there will be a crash afterwards.

Can you like both the flavor of the cake AND the frosting that goes with it?  I don’t want to be the slice of cake that the frosting is scraped off of and eaten and then discarded with a plastic fork.  I want a person who wants both together.  Go ahead and be tempted by the frosting, but please make sure and ask what flavor the cake is before you talk to it.  What?  You don’t talk to your cake?

And by all means, when you get your cake, go ahead and eat it, too!  ;) 

But seriously, y’all.  I’m not walking kink.  There is a whole lot more to me.  Remember that you’re talking to a real person when you send that message.  I don’t want to be your downtime or your stupid game.  I appreciate that you love my pictures, my shoes, my profile, and my BDSM test results, but that’s just the frosting!  Cut into the cake and see what’s there.  You may just like it, too :)  And I promise that I won’t just pick out your naughty chocolate bits and discard the rest of the cookie.  I’ll gladly take the whole thing, burnt edges and all. 

2 different song lyrics, 2 different genres, 2 different generations of music – have fun! 

4 months ago. Fri 21 Sep 2018 06:47:55 PM IDT

Google did a tribute to Mr Rogers today! 
This may be the wrong place to be posting about the most innocent man I could possibly think of, but I love him. 
He's been my hero all my life.  So I'm sharing my joy with all of you :)

 

And people can like me exactly as I am, because there is no one else exactly like me 😁

www.google.com

5 months ago. Sun 26 Aug 2018 01:43:56 PM IDT

5 months ago. Sat 25 Aug 2018 07:11:13 PM IDT

I was approached this morning by a message titled, "Hey slut!" ...

I couldn't NOT talk to this person because if you see a train wreck, you stop, and the 5 line conversation led to the "fact" that all submissives are sluts.
My crazy ass mind led me right back to college and the subject of "categorical propositions".  This person threw out "universal affirmative proposition A" while the truth would be closer to the "existential particular affirmative I".  You didn't want a lesson in logic?  Just be glad I didn't drop a Venn Diagram in here...

But really, let's look at that.  ALL submissives are sluts.  Well that can't be true because I'm submissive and I'm not a slut.  Don't get me wrong... while I do enjoy being called a "slut, bitch, whore, etc" and while I enjoy being used as any of those aforementioned adjectives, that has to be for one person.  By doing that, the pure defintion of slut is lost because I'm not a woman who has "many casual sex partners". 


Do some "Dominant" men really believe that is all it takes?  Just call a random girl a dirty word and her panties will melt off?
And, not judging, but does that work for some women? Are you turned on by this approach?  I'm seriously curious because there is a part of me that believes that the only reason these men keep using these "pick-up lines" are because they ARE working!  Again, no judgement.

Besides being genuinely interested, this stuff just makes me laugh and provided me with some Saturday morning entertainment.

Yeah, okay...  I CAN BE an awesome slut, but I'm not YOUR slut.  And it's safe to say that I never will be. :)

Happy Saturday, y'all!

 

6 months ago. Sun 05 Aug 2018 03:01:26 AM IDT

This is NOT my work, but I did like it and consider it important enough to be shared.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
|IN SUBMISSIVE, BDSM TECHNIQUES, BDSM EXPRESSIONS
|BY STOLTZ SINATRA -DESADE MAGAZINE 
I got a question on Twitter a couple of days ago. Cassandra, a 20 year old submissive, asked me about what she considered to be a horrible mistake on her part. She has written a detailed post in our forum about the situation surrounding the mistake itself so I will not go into the specifics of it.

She touched a couple of things that I’ve experienced before – The guilt of the submissive.

As training and the BDSM relationship between the Dominant and the submissive evolves, so does the submissive guilt when the Dominant points out potential mistakes.

It’s a natural development as far as I see it, because the submissive wants to please and simply put; the Dominant wants to be pleased. When mistakes are made then a natural feeling of guilt occurs as the submissive didn’t succeed in pleasing the Dominant. Before I go any further in my reasoning I will ask every submissive that reads this to think a little bit more about it.

Isn’t it true that you, as a submissive, might feel guilt, to a larger extent than others, in an ordinary everyday situation if you’ve make a mistake?

I’m fairly sure that most submissives will answer “Yes”.

My experience is that this is a quite common feeling among submissives, i.e something that most submissives might feel in any kind of situation that involves mistakes. So let us go back to my original reasoning.

The reason for this is the need for control….yes, you read it correctly.

Some of you might think “Get out of here” or “Yeah right” when you read the statement I just made above, some of you might even think that submissives do not want control and you are totally correct.

Submissives do not want control and simply put; this is a natural drive for getting into BDSM as a submissive – But if you back up a bit and take a look at why submissives don’t want control, then the reason is that they usually have a very controlling behaviour and the Dominant helps them to take a “mental vacation” from this specific behaviour.

I believe this to be one of the core reasons for why some people become submissives.

So let us connect the feeling of guilt and the reason for punishment. When a mistake is made, then it exposes a lack of self control, sloppiness or any other reason that the submissive can come up with to bash herself with – And this psychological self-flagellation can go on work weeks if the mistake is serious enough in the eyes of the submissive. This is, in my opinion, not a very healthy situation and the solution might be a punishment.

The punishment has a central role in breaking the psychological vortex submissives end up in when pondering mistakes and feeling guilt. The Dominant is externalising the submissive’s guilt by handing out a punishment and becomes the absolution that is necessary to end the psychological merry-go-around that is tormenting the submissive.

The punishment becomes the catharsis that enables the submissive the leave the mistake behind her and reconfirms the relationship that she has with the Dominant.

These are natural psychological properties that you will encounter as a part of BDSM dynamics and they might also be the reason why you turned into a submissive in the first place.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm not going to sit here and pick apart the place where he mentions why submissives are submissive, that's for you to decide.  The point of my sharing this article was for a little enlightenment perhaps.  

Submissive guilt is real, I'm sure many of us know that, and you're not alone.  It can be hard to say in the same sentence that you both don't want AND do want punishment, because it can be confusing, but hopefully this brought a tad bit of understanding as to a part of why we do this thing we do.

So much of the interwebs have us conviced that punishments are fun and sexy (and occasionally they can be).  When we break a "smaller" rule or don't follow through on a "smaller" task, punishments come and they are usually mild in nature.  I know that I'm not wording that right, but most of you know what it's like to look forward to a certain punishment. Hell, most of us *ask* for them with our words or actions!  However, there are those times that we majorly screw up and the guilt/disappointment/punishment that comes with that is no fun at all, NOR SHOULD IT BE!  These are our training tools, and for that, i am grateful.

Y'all take care :)