Here for me this time around

Long-distance dynamics rarely lose their strength because two people live far apart.

They lose it when consistency becomes optional.

The good-morning ritual gets skipped without acknowledgment.
The nightly check-in turns into “whenever.”
Expectations remain in place, but communication around them disappears.
One person is still trying to uphold the dynamic while the other is living as though it only exists when convenient.

Distance demands more intention, not more control.

Healthy long-distance structure should answer a few basic questions:

What can we reliably maintain?
What happens when life interrupts the routine?
How do we communicate a missed ritual without fear or punishment?
How often do we revisit what is and is not working?

A ritual does not prove devotion, even when it is strict. It proves devotion when both people keep choosing it honestly—and repair it together when they cannot.

Consistency builds presence across distance.
Accountability keeps that presence from becoming fantasy.

       From Bound With Purpose

I have been doing some inner construction, measuring, cutting away, adding to, feng-shuing. As with most everything, I need to see it in writing. Things get jumbled up in my head and I lose track of where I am in the process or what I was working on. I need to be able to go back to it and reread it. I need it in black and white.

Habits to change:

1  Being afraid to say no to people. They do what I allow them to and only I can set and keep my boundaries.

2  Being afraid to walk away. Not everyone is made to fit into my life. Waiting for them to become what I need is a waste of time.

3  Being afraid that I don't deserve good things or good treatment. I deserve to be important and loved, and made to feel those things without question.

4  Being afraid that I am not enough. I have some very wonderful qualities that make me a great person. 

5  Being afraid to be true to myself and not conform to what others want me to be. I will never be happy if I am not truly myself and always have to play a part. 

Why do I do these things?

I noticed that each one started with "being afraid". I am afraid to hurt other people's feelings and not worry about what it does to me. I feel guilty for upsetting or inconveniencing anyone no matter how it affects me. I am worried that people will see that I am not worth the time and effort that I need, so I don't give them the opportunity to get close.

What happens if I change these habits?

I will attract the right people for me, the ones that will be proud of me for this. I will have true friends and loved ones that will respect my boundaries and love me for who I am and what I offer to the relationship. I will be freely given the same love and care that I give. They will build me up and help me when I stumble.

I will lose the toxic and fake people. The ones that prey on my weakness will tire of me and move on. Their true nature will shine through and I will see them for what they really are. I am so much better off without them anyway, so why worry about pissing them off. 

So here it is. I WILL NO LONGER LIVE IN FEAR! I will stand my ground and love with my whole heart. I will allow others to really see me and decide where they fit into my life by their actions. I will allow others to love and care for me as I deserve to be loved and cared for.

The moral of this story is that you can find your confidence in the oddest places if you step out of your comfort zone.I gave the ending of my story first, but it’s mine and I can tell it any way I want to. Besides, I made you look!

We boarded the van after our flight into Punta Cana, ready to be at our journey’s end. The lady in front of me turned around and asked which resort we were staying at. Her face lit up when I told her and she exclaimed that she and her husband were staying at the same one. She spent the next 35 minutes telling me how much fun they have and all of the activities they do on the beach, from volleyball, to bocce ball, and bingo, and karaoke. She said that they met 5 other couples there every year for the last several years, and then she invited us to join in when we got there.

We parted ways with the couple when we got to the hotel and got settled in.  We had lunch and made our way to the beach.  As we set up our chairs and got our drinks, I looked around and didn’t see any of this “fun” that the lady had been going on and on about. I figured that maybe the other couples hadn’t arrived yet. We spent the rest of the day like lumps on the beach like everyone else, reading, napping, and ignoring each other.

After dinner, we went looking for some live entertainment in the bars on the resort and ran into the couple. Ted said that they had been waiting for us and were disappointed that we hadn’t shown up.  We explained that we were indeed at the beach and hadn’t seen them.  Ted smiled, “you weren’t at the nude beach.” My jaw dropped! “Nude beach?”, I asked.

There was a second, private beach on this resort. It was for nude sunbathers. You could only go as a couple, no single people. There were no cameras, clothing, or any romantic advances allowed.  

I nervously giggled when Ted and Sue insisted that we go down to the beach with them the next morning.  I was damn near a prude back then and very self conscious of my looks and body. I told them that we would think about it.  We mingled with the other couples and as we were about to all part ways, they asked one last time if we would be going.  I laughed and said that we would and jokingly added that I’d better get an ovation for being brave enough to go.  

The next morning came way too soon. I cannot tell you how many times we almost backed out, but we walked onto that beach like troopers.   I found a corner lounge chair by the pool and felt every eye on me.  I may be many things, but a quitter isn’t one of them, so I shimmied out of my cover up and stood naked in public for the very first time. Chairs scooted out and people on the whole beach stood up and the clapping and cheering roared in my ears!  I took a bow and laughed. 

In that moment I felt beautiful and accepted for myself. I felt light and free. I spent the week naked as much as I could.  I still think about that amazing week and how I learned to embrace my self confidence.

Morning reading from Bound With Purpose

You know that you might be a bit perverted when your autocorrect turns "could" to "clit". 🙄

And yes, I didn't even notice and sent the email.  .😁

I am reading a book that has so many points that hit home for me.  I am starting a chapter about the difference in kink and abuse. When I decided that I wanted a D/s relationship, I did a bit of soul searching. I wanted to make sure that I wasn't just repeating the past because it is all that I knew. My conclusion was that the difference for me is the intent and motives of my Dom when he provides what I crave.

 There are quite a few similarities in kink and abuse and each is very personal to each. Name calling, control, and pain are the big ones for me. 

Name calling in the past was to tear me down and make me feel worthless. Control was to show me how helpless I was to do anything on my own accord. Pain was doled out without consent or thought of damage. 

Now, name calling during play makes me feel desired and wanted.  "My whore" or "my slut" is possessive and why would you want to possess me if I wasn't worthy. Control is now a way for you to help me with self care and over all well being. You help take stress off of me by making decisions for me so I can be happy in following while knowing that you have my best interest in mind. And pain is given because you wish to excite me and know that just the right mix of pain and pleasure gives me the most exquisite orgasms.

The goal for me in the past was to make it through the day without confrontation, always afraid  of what may happen if I angered anyone. My goal now is to be as good as I can be because the more I please, the more pleasure I get in return. I am learning so much about myself in this journey and I can’t wait to dig deeper and find more.

Morning reading from Bound With Purpose 

Today is a bittersweet anniversary of what was, in my opinion, a wonderful dynamic that ended too soon for me.  I hate to admit that I have moped off and on since its demise. 

This has been my mantra for the past several months, but this feels like survival mode.  I don’t want to just be surviving anymore!

My new mantra has become this!   I want to be carefree and fun again.  No more blues.  No more behaving as expected.  

Well, I'm tired of being perfect
And I'm bored of being good
And I've done my time, and had my fill
Of acting like I should
I've colored right inside the lines
Now I wanna make a mess
And I don't care if it offends you
Cause I ain't trying to impress
I wanna flirt with my own fear
Wanna dance with my desire
Playing with fire
I wanna walk down every street
In that dress I shouldn't wear
Just to show the whole damn world
Just how little that I care
If I see something that I want
Gonna reach right out and take it
And if this service don't bring smiles
You know I ain't gonna fake it
I wanna flirt with my own fear
Wanna dance with my desire
Playing with fire
Playing with fire
Playing with fire
I'm choosing door number four
If they're offering me three
I wanna make a choice
That's got nothing to do
With no one else but me
And I'm tried of scripted lines
That have been so well rehearsed
And for just one god damn time
I wanna put my own self first
I wanna flirt with my own fear
Wanna dance with my desire
Playing with fire
Playing with fire
Playing with fire
You know I just might learn
That I really like to burn
Playing with fire
Here's the way the world sits to me
Good girls rarely make history
Gotta take a risk if you want a story
There's a real fine line
Between content and boring
Break the bar don't just raise it higher
You done the work you get to play with
Playing with fire
Playing with fire
You know I just might learn
That I really like to burn
Playing with fire
You know I just might learn
That I really like to burn
Playing with fire

https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=45308&postid=110961&view=latest

thank you to SD for a new challenge   

”There's a light at each end of this tunnel" you shout
Cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around
2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
'Cause these words are my diary screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them however you want to
But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand
And breathe, just breathe
Oh, breathe, jus breathe

Anna Nalik

I see my time in the lifestyle as that tunnel in the song.  I am forever changed by it, but would I do anything different if I could go back and redo my journey? 

I have shown my soft, vulnerable side, knowing that it could so easily be thrown back in my face, but it was a much needed part of the experience.

In the end I just have to breathe and let what will be, be.