The news came today that a good friend’s battle with cancer is ending. The fight was short, fruitless, but human nature demanded that we try..fight to preserve time.
I write this as an empath, someone who regularly absorbs the pain of others, to give them peace..quiet. Sitting with his family, I see the pain, the shock, the unfairness of it all. No words or gestures can help, just raw human touch, shared warmth as tears flow uncontrollably, secretly, so as not to bother the dying. How I wish I could burn for them, soothe the turmoil…
Death is funny. Everyone experiences it differently. Some drink, scream, cry, fuck, laugh…but we all share the sinking realization that somewhere, some day we will share the fate. We do all we can to deny it, escape it, but as we experience a loss in others, we are reminded how impossible life really is. You can do everything right, eat the right foods, work out until you bleed, keep that perfect regime…but in the end, you have no control over your final journey.
I laugh, at funerals, not because I am some sick or twisted bitch (maybe?) but because our efforts are futile..our desires to hold on..bargain for more time..all of it makes no difference. Yet, you hear whispers of what caused the end, absurd things like not eating enough kale, not exercising enough…”did you know mushrooms can extend your life..”
Our time is unknowable. Nothing we truly do will stave off the moment. So, as I hold my friend, as I love his family, as I grapple with a life without him, I am reminded of all the times I got too busy to call..too busy to visit. Time was always there, I stole it, bargained with it, put it off.
Time is not your friend, it never will be. So grab time and love your special ones. Make the call you forgot about, hold on just a little tighter in your next embrace. Love…for everyone’s sake, just love.