I don’t fail often, I am too highly strung, too focused, too wound up. My world demands more of me than it has a right to. I give it my everything, every day. This isn’t some egoistical rant, it is just the nature of my underpaid and undervalued existence. Add to that my responsibilities as a caretaker, you get tired eyes and quiet acceptance that failure cannot, will not be tolerated.
And yet…I failed a friend. This friend has been gentle, caring, perverted, funny — everything I could ask for. He freely gives and drives me crazy with worry. I love him and his beautiful little. Of all he has given, he asked two things of me—simple, easy things…
I tried, but I failed. The excuses are many but they have no meaning—my priorities were less than and that can’t be. I apologized, I promised it wouldn’t happen again…and then I failed…again. My second apology— meaningless.
I don’t navigate failure well. To be honest, I don’t know how to handle it. My life has taught me that failure is banishment — pack up and leave…get out..you are unwanted. You are useful only until you are useless. So, I did that…I backed away, I banished myself. I degraded myself, I hated myself.
That wasn’t fair. It wasn’t about me, it was about him. I hurt him by failing to prioritize him, and his friendship.
I don’t know how to recover from this, to recover his trust. I wish that I knew, that I could be more…
I don’t know how to do this…
D…I am sorry for not understanding, for not prioritizing, for not caring enough to return the love you have freely given. Help me do this right…