Daydreams in Depravity

*Disclaimer - I stole this from the internet. Deal with it. :P

Stop making everything about you. Contrary to popular belief, you are not the centre on which the universe revolves.

Stop using other people as a crutch to keep you from falling down. Instead, learn to walk on your own two feet.

Stop telling yourself you are not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not interesting enough. You are all of these things to the people who love you.

Stop self-sabotaging your relationships. Stop nitpicking. Stop analyzing every spoken and unspoken word. Stop reading into things that aren't there.

Stop pretending to be someone you are not to force people to love you. Be yourself and find the people who love you just as you are.

Stop stressing about the little things. Focus on the bigger picture.

Stop ruining everything good in your life.

Sincerely,

Me.

Father's Day used to be my least favourite day. My only memory of my Dad is him sitting me on his knee with my brothers when I was about four to say he didn't love my mommy anymore and was going away but he would still always love us. The next time I remember seeing him was at his funeral when I was eighteen. I have had six step-dads throughout my life and most of them I didn't feel like celebrating. (It's no wonder I have Daddy issues!)

When Daddy and I became Daddy and babygirl a few years ago, I decided to take back Father's Day. My Daddy is a wonderful Daddy, not just to me but to our little person and I wanted Him to know without a doubt that he was loved and appreciated for everything He does for us every day.

So remember to take time today to say thank you to the man in your life who takes care of you, whether he is your real Daddy or not! <3

So, there's this 2 part video by Kodaline called All I Want. I first heard it a few years ago while singing along to random Youtube songs. The 2nd video made me bawl like a baby. I had forgotten the effect it had on me and saw it on my playlist tonight while putting my newly turned 7 year old to bed and thought, I should share this.

He cried for forty minutes afterward. I felt like the worst mommy in the world. But at the same time, it made me so happy to see this little mini me showing the same empathy and sensitivity that I show the world. That's all anyone could want.

Enjoy! (But make sure you have a tissue nearby!)

As per second (long overdue) request. 😜 This is my current toy collection. It does not include any of Daddy's toys. (He owns most of the hurt-y ones) 

Do you sometimes surprise yourself? Do you wake up feeling like one person and feel like someone else entirely before bedtime?

I do. I did.

They say knowledge is power but I think curiosity is the real power. You have to be curious to learn new things. To pursue something that you know nothing about. To learn, to grow, to evolve, to become. 

Today I became something new. 

I wonder what I will become tomorrow? 

I hate you for the sacrifices you made for me
I hate you for every time you ever bled for me
I hate you for the way you smile when you look at me
I hate you for never taking control of me

I hate you for always saving me from myself
I hate you for always choosing me and not someone else
I hate you for always pulling me back from the edge
I hate you for every kind word you ever said
I'll bleed you dry now

Blood, blood, blood
Pump mud through my veins
Shut your dirty, dirty mouth
I'm not that easy

Blood, blood, blood
Pump mud through my veins
I'm a dirty, dirty girl
I want it filthy

Blood, blood, blood
Pump mud through my veins
Shut your dirty, dirty mouth
I'm not that easy

Blood, blood, blood
Pump mud through my veins
I'm a dirty, dirty girl
I want it filthy

I love you for everything you ever took from me
I love the way you dominate and you violate me
I love you for every time you gave up on me
I love you for the way you look when you lie to me
I love you for never believing in what I say
I love you for never once giving me my way
I love you for never delivering me from pain
I love you for always driving me insane
I'll bleed you dry now

Blood, blood, blood
Pump mud through my veins
Shut your dirty, dirty mouth
I'm not that easy

Blood, blood, blood
Pump mud through my veins
I'm a dirty, dirty girl
I want it filthy

Blood, blood, blood
Pump mud through my veins
Shut your dirty, dirty mouth
I'm not that easy

Blood, blood, blood
Pump mud through my veins
I'm a dirty, dirty girl
I want it filthy

(I hate you, I hate you, I love...)

Blood, blood, blood
Pump mud through my veins
Shut your dirty, dirty mouth
I'm not that easy

Blood, blood, blood
Pump mud through my veins
I'm a dirty, dirty girl
I want it filthy

Blood, blood, blood
Pump mud through my veins
Shut your dirty, dirty mouth
I'm not that easy

Blood, blood, blood
Pump mud through my veins
I'm a dirty, dirty girl
I want it filthy

I hate you for every time you ever bled for me

A sampling of some of my collection, as per request. ;)

Beginning of my collection as of six years ago...

12 point, under-bed harness and some of Daddy's favourite toys. 

A look inside my toy box.

And a look inside my closet. Some women collect shoes. Baby dolls collect lingerie. ;)

I see through your lies and tricks

I see through your eloquent words

I see the coward hiding beneath the costume of the wolf

I see you set yourself up as an unattainable goal

But it's a lie

You are not what you pretend to be

I see you chase only the weak and the helpless 

I see you flatter them with your false words

I see them throwing themselves at you thinking they will be the one to get what noone else can

I see you dismiss them when they see through you

You know who you are

I know who you are

I see you

Yes, you. 

What is the DD/lg dynamic all about? There are a lot of misconceptions around this sub-genre of BDSM. When I first started exploring, I had those same misconceptions and had you told me I would be calling my husband 'Daddy' at the time, I would have looked at you as though you were crazy.

It took me a long time to realize I was a little, even though the clues were always there. I like playing dress-up. Halloween is my favourite holiday because I can do this without getting the strange looks I get when I'm seen in my Unicorn onesie. I have a closet full of costume lingerie and I love dolling up for Daddy. I also love to colour and create pictures and cards for Him. I enjoy video games and Disney movies. I tend to stick to mostly young adult authors because I find their stories more relatable. I have too many stuffies to count and collect MLP and Barbies.

I do not consider 'Daddy' to be my father. He is my caregiver and my protector. He guides me and teaches me. He punishes me when I am bad (spankings, YAY!) and rewards me when I am good (cookies, YUM). He takes away my having to chose. He loves to take care of me and I love to be taken care of.

That does not mean I am a little all of the time. I have a job and am a mommy with a lot of responsibilities. But the only time I truly feel like myself is when I am His little girl.

Why am I like this? Well I do have a theory. Growing up I had a very absent mother and a total of six step-dads. (Yes, my mother was married seven times.) A lot of the time I had to be the adult, taking care of her and picking up the pieces after a beating or a break-up. I was making meals for the family by the time I was six, and taking care of most of the cleaning and laundry by the time I was eight. I helped my brothers with their homework and made sure they went to bed on time. I never had time to be a child. I was forced to grow up so quickly that I didn't have a chance to develop the way most children do. I didn't have time for friends. I didn't have a chance to learn the intricacies of social interaction.

I met Daddy when I was fifteen and he was twenty, so from the very start he took on the caregiver role. He was more experienced and I let him lead me. I don't think either of us even realized it was happening at the time. The day after I turned 18, my mother kicked me out. I was in the middle of my last year of high school. She chose step-dad number five over me. I had called the cops on him after I found him beating her up and she ended up telling the cops that she hit him first and recanted her story. She ended up being charged with public mischief and now has a criminal record. She took me to the welfare office herself and to this day denies throwing me out, even though I have a letter written in her own hand to the contrary. But I digress. 

That year was one of the hardest of my life. Daddy had just moved to a different city and I didn't even have a phone to call him. I was miserable and lonely and afraid. I felt rejected. I contemplated suicide over and over again. I stopped going to school and failed all of my classes. (Luckily I had already met my graduation requirements.)

Luckily, I got accepted to the same college as Daddy and he asked me to move in with him. He's been taking care of me ever since. Prodding me to get out of bed in the morning to make it to my classes. Reminding me to eat during exams. 

At this time we knew nothing of the BDSM world but had already found our roles. At the time I felt guilty about letting him take care of me. I knew it wasn't 'normal' behaviour.

We went on like this for 18 years. I was mostly happy. I loved him a lot. The only flaw in our relationship was our sex life. I was a virgin when I met him, even having suffered years of sexual abuse, and I could not orgasm. And he tried. And tried and tried. And then we just gave up. Sex became something obligatory. I blamed myself. He blamed himself. We secretly blamed each other. And it festered.

After finding BDSM I realized I needed mental stimulation just as much as sexual stimulation. I needed pain to experience pleasure. I wanted to be hurt and used and degraded. I had no idea how to tell him that. I was afraid he would be disgusted with me. He had spent our whole lives protecting me, how could he possibly then go about hurting me. There was so much then I did not understand.

After the discovery of my secret online life, I was sure he was going to leave me. And I'm not going to lie, it did nearly break us. Which is why I spend a lot of my time encouraging married wives to communicate with their husbands instead of searching for something from a stranger. For the first time in our lives, I was the teacher. I was the one taking the initiative. I was the one leading. It was an uncomfortable period for us.

Then one day (after expressing disgust in chat about someone calling their Dominant, Daddy) I was directed to this link: 

http://daddys-doll.blogspot.ca/2013/09/what-is-ddlg-dynamic.html and boy did it open my eyes. I had never even heard the term little before. And as soon as I finished reading, I went and had a talk with Daddy and told him about what I had learned. It felt very strange calling him Daddy at first. Hearing him whisper all the dirty things he wanted to do with his little red-headed slut. Breaking through decades of conditioning isn't easy. But it was so, so worth it. We are happier now then we have ever been in our lives. Our sex life is amazing. The only complaint I really have is that I need more pain and more degradation and that is very conflicting for a Daddy who wants to coddle and protect his little girl. We are a work in progress and things can only get better from here.

So please, before you judge anyone on their brand of kink, ask questions, learn more about it, don't just make assumptions like I did. I wasted a lot of years fighting against what I needed instead of letting go and accepting myself as I am. 

Who knows, you may just find yourself there too. :)