Names have power.
I remember, growing up, not hearing my name in a soft, welcoming tone. I was only summoned.
Muscle memory makes me move quickly when I hear it, as an adult. I try to make sure that I'm present, in front of the person calling me, before they can pronounce the last syllable of my name. I've had to retrain my nervous system to understand that I'm not in trouble and no one is going to spank me for a mistake (well, sort of. LOL)
Not trusting people shapes the way you make friends.
I probably have had 3-5 real friends in my 31 years and it wasn't until I became an adult that I finally learned how to mimic charisma and use humor to mask how much I truly dislike people; and not because people are terrible.
But because I feel that my interactions with another person can only be meaningful if I'm "on". Everyone has expectations, even before the first conversation.
I still feel that if I really told someone I'm close to how I have felt about myself at different points in my life, they'd try to commit me. (Bahaha. I laugh so I don't cry. Lol.)
After years of therapy and let downs, I've come to the conclusion that I'm a fucking delight. People aren't drawn to me because of the mask. They're apparently drawn to me because the mask is actually not hiding anything; how I feel about people and myself shows up in my humor and my perspective.
Between highschool and college, everyone gets a nickname, let's be honest. I never did. Wanted one, but was never close enough to anyone to have that sort of shared affection.
My brillo-pady nature is what I've tried to hide but has actually made more acquaintances than I'd care to count. The only ones that became friends were the ones that hate people and interaction as much as I do. And those kinds of people don't give out nicknames.
In any relationship I've ever had, hearing my name makes me feel...a way. Sometimes it's arousing. Sometimes it's suspenseful.
I'm big on energy and spirituality, so I try to say my kid's name intentionally, as to not make them hate themselves.
I started paying attention to how hearing my name makes me feel.
Getting into kink and BDSM made me realize that power\energy\presence\command is all resonant to the nervous system and that's why hearing my name in a different tone than what I was used to made me react internally.
My friends or family using it, doesn't bother me much anymore. But I still find myself pausing for a moment when a lover\partner says it. I've had too many shit relationships with men who don't know themselves well enough to lead. It never truly felt safe to hear. It felt like manipulation, control and accusation. Realizing it was my fault for giving someone access to me that wasn't compatible, was the best thing I could do for my personal life. The next best thing was learning just how much I'm worth. Now, you can't be around me if you don't value yourself just as much as I value myself. That confidence attracts who aligns, and I'm proud of that.
When I started looking for community, I found forums like this, Fetdotcom, and fetlifedotcom. I'm kinda old so, online forums aren't new to me. But I never gave thought to my usernames. I've had some crazy ones but it never felt right. I know it's silly, but I try to be intentional with everything.
Funny story, to digress: I actually didn't know what a 'rope bunny' was. I knew I wanted to learn to be a sub and find a Dom. I thought the word bunny accurately described how I wanted to feel as a sub; cute, small and loved. When I started learning more about what I liked in kink, I realized just how accurate it was. At first, it was supposed to be for my online pages only. At this current point, it is the beginning of building a persona.
Have you ever owned a bunny? They're actually feral as fuck for an animal that's supposed to be a damn pet. It's actually what makes them so cute, because they think you actually take the foot stomps and head butts seriously. I'm the same. I think I was looking for someone to see that; that my ways of expressing my displeasure stem from wanting attention and I'm really just a cute angry bunny who probably needs a bit of gentle correction.
Kink has offered me a way to feel in control of my autonomy, how I regulate my emotions, and has offered me insight into what I truly want in my life. I don't give anyone new access to my real name or even access to me without feeling that we are compatible. I don't look to be figured out anymore. I simply note who they are, how they live and make a decision quietly of whether or not I want them to be a part of my circle of influence. It's helpful when things in my life don't make sense. I don't look for the thrill of new people. I don't feel the need to turn "it" "on" anymore. I just exist. As BunnyTheeSub.
She doesn't wait for the other shoe to drop.
She reads a situation as it is.
She takes everything at face value.
She has named herself and doesn't seek the validation of others in her decisions.
I am Bunny.