Bunny Bites Back

So, I came back. 

It has been 3 weeks officially. 

Here's what I've realized so far: 

- Follow your first mind, and fight like hell not to go back on it, even if it's uncomfortable. 

- Autonomy even in a union is so very important. 

- Change doesn't happen quickly and you must decide if you want to, a.) change in chaos, b.) change separated from chaos, c.) separate yourself from chaos all together. 

- Before starting relationship, you need to be deeply aware of the trauma you carry. When (not if) it gets too heavy, eventually you'll put all the weight down. You don't want to be responsible for who you hurt when you start to choose yourself.

I have a sister in law who is a few years younger than me. She's like a little sister. Last year she showed up at my house at 1:15am because her fiance disrespected her. The argument was something small and his comment about not respecting her was misaligned with what they were even arguing about, unwarranted, and just down right nasty. I remember sitting there, with her brother (my husband), counseling her essentially; After yanking her into my house, because I jumped out of the bed at the sound of the doorbell, to her crying in the hall. I'm staring at her crying, trying to comfort her.

My husband and I had been going through things as well but I was of the mindset of fixing it then. I felt like it was something I could do with him, ignoring my own exhaustion and emotions.

I told her, "babygirl if you felt disrespected or hurt enough to leave, that is your first sign. Your nervous system responded, not your mind or heart. You instantly clocked disrespect and decided flight in your response because you didn't feel safe. If it were just a misunderstanding, you two would be talking, apologizing to each other and working it out. He said what he did to hurt you. Clearly he is conflicted in what he feels for you but instead of leaving he chooses to hurt your feelings. That is not love." 

Long story short, she ended up leaving permanently over time, is now working two jobs and just signed the lease on her new place. 

When I think about how her situation made me start looking at things differently in my own relationship, I thank the universe for all those late nights and early mornings we spent together talking about what type of strength it takes to move on. I'm taking my own advice now. 

The difference is, my marriage and its success is contingent upon healing, submission and mutual growth. The problem is that I have finally accepted and come to terms with the fact that I simply don't feel like doing that here. Bunny wants to be free. There has been too much misalignment, too much deficit, too big of a chasm to try to repair what has been broken on both sides. And genuinely, I'm exhausted. Like truly and inconceivably tired. It doesn't matter if I sleep 7-10 hours, do yoga, do breath work, use active healthy coping mechanisms to manage stress. I go to sleep praying that I can make something shake, as fast as possible. I wake up tired and already sick of everyone's shit. 

My only desire at this very moment is to achieve independence, stability, enough space in my life to figure my shit out without damaging someone else in the process. 

Check out my other blog posts to follow along with my journey. 

I guess the next question is when it's a mistake to look back, what are you willing to do to move forward?

"Submission is not how much you can take. It is about how well your needs are met so that you allow yourself to hand over complete control." 

-A follower of a kink group I run.

The problem for me is that I truly am a lover. I give because it makes you feel good, not because you asked. I give because of the feeling I get knowing you're pleased. I give because it feels good to not choose but to be chosen, even when it's scarce or inconsistent.  I'm never afraid to show how much I love or care. Even if it means being used. My abundance is tied to my openness and I always win, even if I lose love. So, fear is never a factor for me. 

Truth is, I'd give even if it wasn't you. I'd give even if we're not clearly defined. 

All this in hopes that someone will give to me, in the same way. 

Dominating me won't feel like power; it feels like getting everything you've ever wanted and feeling safe enough to ask for it. 

I want you to be so head over heels for me that you try to anticipate my needs because the version of me that feels safe is a filthy Mfr. 

I want to know that even when I'm anxious and need to be reassured, that you choose to be soft with Bunny, because her foot stomps aren't really threats. They're just tiny warnings that I feel caged and out of control. 

I always wonder between the point where a Mfr falls in love with me vs. the moment they realize my love is too big to grasp or grow in, what stops? What changes? Why does my honesty and attunement suddenly drive them away? I know I change. My tone, my allowances, my independence, my softness all change the moment I feel like you're taking my submission for weakness. What ya boy Gates say?; "I'm never a flunky. I was just vibing because I'm pure, genuine and I liked-ed your lil' energy but really fuck you." 

But even in those moments, in others, I can see that that's not the bar. It is where they stoop when the current pulls them under. As a siren, do I feel bad for how hard they're wrecking or do I move on to the next person willing to listen to my song? Do I stop singing? At this point, I've considered just not singing anymore. No more showing you the most beautiful parts of myself, no more opening your heart\mind\emotions to something so overwhelmingly amazing that your senses are all overpowered with pleasure, no more waiting for the storm,  no more watching from the rocks hoping your love for me is enough to save yourself. (Yes sirens are misunderstood) 

I digress. The whole point of this post was to say, "I'll submit to you, if you submit to me. That is true domination."

-Bunny.

I allow dominance because you're willing to submit to me, as well. 

I never changed my last name when I got married. 

It's been 7 years and I still don't feel like I want to give up the representation of my autonomy when I know that I cannot trust this person to lead. 

Well, let's backtrack. He leads in the ways I allow him to and in the ways he feels comfortable. But where I really need him, he is incapable. Or so I thought. 

December 12th 2025, I got into a wreck that almost killed my entire family. It happened so fast, so violently, that there was nothing I could have done to change the outcome. Although, I struck the other vehicle, it wasn't inherently my fault. The other car caught a flat and didn't immediately move into the emergency lane. (Fucking idiot.) So by the time I looked up from the split second I needed to find something in the car, I was already rear-ending him trying to adjust the angle so I didn't hit them head on. That didn't work. We went careening into the neutral ground between the two sets of highway lanes. The other car was pushed into the tree line. I remember pulling my kids out of the smoking car as fast as I could. The ex insurance agent in me kicked as I'm assessing the damages and the lives that were affected. I remember looking at my husband and thinking about how slow he reacted once he realized we were all alive. That was the first thing. Then I looked at my hands that were bruised and bleeding from the airbag when I tried to keep the car steady even as the airbag was ejecting. The last thing was, "I have to call my mom to tell her about this accident. And then what?" (because she was my co-signer and was also helping us with the vehicle financially.) 

Instead of him saying, "it's going to be ok, we're going to get through this, we'll figure it out baby.", he starts crying. It pissed me off so bad because all I could think of is that once again (because this wasn't my first accident in the last 4 years and the same thing essentially happened two years ago), I would have to go crawling to my mom with my tail between my legs, asking for her help, when my husband should be able to lead; in fear, in injury, financially....

I sat in the ambulance with my kids strapped in, riding to the hospital a few miles away after demanding that all of us be taken in for assessment. 

My oldest son's BP was 115/127. And that's extremely high for a fucking 12 year old. My baby was so overwhelmed and scared before we left for the hospital that he immediately started retching when we exited the vehicle. I was staring at them and staring at my husband in disbelief thinking to myself, "how tf did I end up here? Do I love him this much that I've been blind to my own needs; to my kids needs? I can't do this anymore. He's got to get out of his own way long enough to see that these issues have lasted too fucking long and we need reprieve."  He saw me silently sobbing into my shirt and went to touch my leg. I jerked it away from him in disgust. 

Backstory: We weren't even supposed to be on the road that morning. My kids are homeschooled, I am an entrepreneur. My husband has a ride to work. The company truck and his crew come to pick him up every morning. Y'know why he told them to go ahead without him this particular morning? Because his stomach was upset and he had to shit. I shit you not. There have been so many mornings he's been late; for so much less! But yet, this morning, he tells them his wife will bring him. I was confused but like always, I put my frustration to the side to serve my husband; to be of service to him even when I'm lacking what I need in every way conceivable.  My baby boy was even confused when I woke him up at 9:00am to take his Dad to work. He legit said, "Why are you waking me up?" to which I replied dryly, to take Daddy to work.

At the hospital, he kept asking if I was angry with him and I told him we would talk later. He kept pressing the issue and making  a scene. So finally, I blurted out, "I want a divorce. This shouldn't have even happened. And yet again we're in a situation where I will need my Mom's help. Fuck this." The New Orleans came out of me real strong at that moment. LOL  

He panicked, began to spiral; all sorts of shit. I can't even sit here and describe to you all the things that transpired between the day of the wreck and when I left 3 days later with my children and clothes in tow. I spent a week with my mom to think and figure things out but went back for X-mas because I wanted his son to spend time with him before I made up my mind on if I wanted to leave for good. Before that week his mental health started deteriorating so much so that I contemplated committing him to be sure that he was safe.

Digression: When I mentioned him needing to get out of his own way earlier in this story, I was referring to the years of repressed trauma that he was carrying. Being a wife, you see all sides of a person. Even the parts he hid so well from everyone else that has ever loved him. I've known for a while that he needed therapy and probably medication. But life is hard, I have children, I have businesses I've been trying to get off the ground so I can help him, and I'm naturally dominant; my focus has always been keeping the house afloat in the ways he wasn't capable of. Unfortunately, what he needed fell through the cracks just as much as what I needed, did. I've never weaponized his shortcomings but I have tried to advocate for him as well as myself, unsuccessfully.  The crushing weight of carrying it all was starting to take a toll on my emotions and behaviour. I could feel myself anticipating his arrival home, anticipating his touch, anticipating interactions because my brain was screaming that the imbalance was no longer ignorable. 

I stayed longer than Christmas. Longer than I was supposed to. For hope that I could find a typical 9-5 within a few weeks then go back to my mom's house to start working and looking for a place for my kids and I. I was still cold and unfeeling. He wanted so badly to cling to me but admitted that he knew the separation needed to happen. I thought we were on the same page. 

The last week of December, his Mommee died. (She is the person that held him together while a lot of these traumas were happening to him as a little boy.) Something in him broke. The looming separation plus the additional heartbreak of losing the 2nd to last mother figure he had left after his mothers passing was too much for him to handle. A simple conversation one night while both of us were vulnerable turned into a mental breakdown on his part. I demanded him to come outside with me to get some fresh air, smoke a cigarette and talk about going to the ER for psych assessment the next day after throwing things around the apartment, crying on the floor like a child and scaring our children half to death. He listened, begged me not to commit him but I held steadfast. I stopped being angry and started thinking from the perspective of empathy. I placed myself in his shoes and realized in that moment that this was never about what he can't do, because he's shown me glimpses of the fullness of his capacity in different moments. It was about a load that was never his to carry and people close to him ignoring what he needed because he is a Black man and history says he's supposed to be stronger than that. I even started believing that for a little while. 

The day after the break down came and passed. He got help and medicine but we still left for the sake of my children's emotional well-being while I figured out my next steps, whether that was to file for divorce or give him a running head start to meet me where I was already going. 

I've been gone for almost a month, we've been talking and what I realized since I have been gone are these things: 

The pressure is never on one person. He was drowning just as much as I was. 

Anger and love can coincide. I am still skeptical of the conditions of my return but I know with what I have seen since I've been gone that he wants change for himself and only needed someone to not just see him but act as well. 

Being a dominant woman is in my nature because of my experiences and he was beaten into submission as a child. Unlearning those behaviors is like yin and yang; we both need each other to unlearn what we were taught was the correct way to handle things. 

If a person really loves you, distance and correction will not make them hate you; it will bring you closer and bring clarity if you truly let it. 

Children need love and to know you're trying. Sometimes consistency and stability isn't always possible when the conditions have been positioned to deplete rather than to replenish. We have a long way to go to restore their trust in us but they know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we love them and that we love each other. And even though that doesn't mean we are perfect or that they will get the same 'us' all the time, we are accountable for the uncomfortable moments to them first and then ourselves. 

Sometimes separation IS needed to figure out where YOU are wrong, not the other person. He was always afraid that me leaving meant I wouldn't come back and that I would see just how fucked up we were while together. It actually did the opposite. I realized I have been just as encumbered and that has affected my capacity just as much as his. 

I started missing him. My youngest son's behaviour changed drastically, for the worse. His tantrums became so bad that I would become triggered and literally have to separate myself so I didn't do something or say something that could harm him. (He's autistic, has a seizure disorder and an intellectual disability.) My oldest son was angry with him and me but started to withdraw into himself; if you know my son you know he is an extrovert and the light of the room. I could not have this. I noticed the effect it was taking on my mom to amplify what she had already been dealing with all this time. I didn't need or want to add more to her plate knowing this wasn't her battle to fight; never was. And I saw that he was genuinely trying and achieving what I needed from him. 

So, although my own anxiety and mind wants to make me think nothing will change and everything will be the same, I'm going back home tomorrow with a renewed sense of purpose and a willingness to allow him to fill all of my needs instead of the ones I feel he can handle. He has agreed to the same. My baby boy will get to be back in his normal environment instead of talking to his Daddy on video chat and asking for his presence daily. The oldest has admitted to missing his step father and wanting to be back in his normal environment as well. 

NOW, how does this tie into kink? Well when I left the first week, I started exploring and trying to put a name to a face. Rather, I wanted to know why we went dead in the water emotionally and intimately. I was able to realize that I am dominant although I want to be submissive. I realized the conditions have to be right for me to submit. I discovered I don't like submissive men and that I'm a great teacher in every other area of my life; why not teach dominance to the man who is willing to bend over backwards to honor his vows. I am now able to identify the areas where he is already dominant and just needs the space and instruction to let that bleed over into the 24\7 power-exchange that I so deeply crave. In this month long separation, I've found my footing emotionally and intimately and I'm ready to go back to try to enact all that we have learned being away from one another. 

So, tell me...do you think it's ok to go backwards? Or am I really going forward?

-Bunny

We were young. 

At this point I've realized it was just imprinting before identities were formed that made it unforgettable.

When I walked into Spanish (I), I sat down next to him because his energy felt familiar. I could feel him staring at me, claiming me, before I ever parked my (then) tight ass in that very uncomfortable desk. 

I knew he knew and he knew as well; neither of us knew what it was. 

I hated how I was drawn to him. Still do. I've told some ridiculous lies, said some horrible things and made him question his own existence more than a handful of times. But I always looked for him. Correction, I always look for him. Just his presence is comforting and disarming. I can get away with saying what comes to mind first, not being intentional, when I'm not near him. When I am next to him, I am putty in his hands... 

The anticipation of walking down the corridor when our paths crossed later in the day always made my moonchie clench and throb. It was an unfamiliar feeling then. Now I can identify it as desire. 

He's an emotional pleasure Dom by nature. He wants surrender and submission through completely giving yourself over to him mentally.

We've never dated. We've only ever been really intense friends with undefined, messy, gut wrenching boundaries. 

We cursed each other out before prom. He then showed up for just me; and we left together.

We constantly bump heads and I've never been able to let myself completely relax with him. I think it's because he hasn't truly learned himself yet and it reads in his energy. I also know that we are misaligned and not compatible in our lives or communication styles. 

I replay moments in my head like an old book I can't stop reading; searching for some hidden meaning. Hoping that there's still a chance of us meeting and everything going as the universe originally planned it.

A part of me hates him for not choosing me now and the other parts of me hate myself for not choosing him then. There is no in-between. 

But we aren't young. And he is still unforgettable.

Names have power. 

I remember, growing up, not hearing my name in a soft, welcoming tone. I was only summoned. 

Muscle memory makes me move quickly when I hear it, as an adult. I try to make sure that I'm present, in front of the person calling me, before they can pronounce the last syllable of my name. I've had to retrain my nervous system to understand that I'm not in trouble and no one is going to spank me for a mistake (well, sort of. LOL)

Not trusting people shapes the way you make friends.

I probably have had 3-5 real friends in my 31 years and it wasn't until I became an adult that I finally learned how to mimic charisma and use humor to mask how much I truly dislike people; and not because people are terrible.

But because I feel that my interactions with another person can only be meaningful if I'm "on". Everyone has expectations, even before the first conversation. 

I still feel that if I really told someone I'm close to how I have felt about myself at different points in my life, they'd try to commit me. (Bahaha. I laugh so I don't cry. Lol.)

After years of therapy and let downs, I've come to the conclusion that I'm a fucking delight. People aren't drawn to me because of the mask. They're apparently drawn to me because the mask is actually not hiding anything; how I feel about people and myself shows up in my humor and my perspective. 

Between highschool and college, everyone gets a nickname, let's be honest. I never did. Wanted one, but was never close enough to anyone to have that sort of shared affection.

My brillo-pady nature is what I've tried to hide but has actually made more acquaintances than I'd care to count. The only ones that became friends were the ones that hate people and interaction as much as I do. And those kinds of people don't give out nicknames. 

In any relationship I've ever had, hearing my name makes me feel...a way. Sometimes it's arousing. Sometimes it's suspenseful. 

I'm big on energy and spirituality, so I try to say my kid's name intentionally, as to not make them hate themselves.

I started paying attention to how hearing my name makes me feel.

Getting into kink and BDSM made me realize that power\energy\presence\command is all resonant to the nervous system and that's why hearing my name in a different tone than what I was used to made me react internally. 

My friends or family using it, doesn't bother me much anymore. But I still find myself pausing for a moment when a lover\partner says it. I've had too many shit relationships with men who don't know themselves well enough to lead. It never truly felt safe to hear. It felt like manipulation, control and accusation. Realizing it was my fault for giving someone access to me that wasn't compatible, was the best thing I could do for my personal life. The next best thing was learning just how much I'm worth. Now, you can't be around me if you don't value yourself just as much as I value myself. That confidence attracts who aligns, and I'm proud of that. 

When I started looking for community, I found forums like this, Fetdotcom, and fetlifedotcom. I'm kinda old so, online forums aren't new to me. But I never gave thought to my usernames. I've had some crazy ones but it never felt right. I know it's silly, but I try to be intentional with everything. 

Funny story, to digress: I actually didn't know what a 'rope bunny' was. I knew I wanted to learn to be a sub and find a Dom. I thought the word bunny accurately described how I wanted to feel as a sub; cute, small and loved. When I started learning more about what I liked in kink, I realized just how accurate it was. At first, it was supposed to be for my online pages only. At this current point, it is the beginning of building a persona. 

Have you ever owned a bunny? They're actually feral as fuck for an animal that's supposed to be a damn pet. It's actually what makes them so cute, because they think you actually take the foot stomps and head butts seriously. I'm the same. I think I was looking for someone to see that; that my ways of expressing my displeasure stem from wanting attention and I'm really just a cute angry bunny who probably needs a bit of gentle correction. 

Kink has offered me a way to feel in control of my autonomy, how I regulate my emotions, and has offered me insight into what I truly want in my life. I don't give anyone new access to my real name or even access to me without feeling that we are compatible. I don't look to be figured out anymore. I simply note who they are, how they live and make a decision quietly of whether or not I want them to be a part of my circle of influence. It's helpful when things in my life don't make sense. I don't look for the thrill of new people. I don't feel the need to turn "it" "on" anymore. I just exist. As BunnyTheeSub.

She doesn't wait for the other shoe to drop. 

She reads a situation as it is. 

She takes everything at face value. 

She has named herself and doesn't seek the validation of others in her decisions. 

I am Bunny.