Floating through the waves of thought

Life is never set in stone. I think we all come to this realization over and over and over again. Somehow always surprised when we have to face the fact again. Nothing lasts, and that is a hard lesson sometimes, and it can hurt like hell. I've been sitting with myself, I've been weighing my options. I've been thinking about where to go from here, standing in the middle of the four-way. 

I wrote in my journal last night that once again, here I am standing with the devil. She's laughing because she knew I'd be back, even when I said forever. She knows how the fates work, she knows the games they play, and the strings they cut. This devil staring back at me, she knew what would come. And this devil is the me I can't claim, the me I can't face, and the me that refuses to acclimate. Once more, she presents the options, and I must consider carefully. Which way to go from here? 

I think the simplest answer is to go nowhere. I think the easiest way to beat her (to beat myself) is to carve a new path, to stay in the middle of the crossroads for once and see what comes to me. This mourning period has begun, and there is so much to shed myself free of, a process easier done in the stillness of space. I will sit and wait, and soothe the edges of this discontinuity.

I am grateful for all that was discovered, uncovered, and integrated into what and who I am. Grateful for the opportunity to feel someone touch my soul in ways so profound that is left an eternal print there. My soul will never forget, and no doubt in dark moments, it will pull the memories out like elephants on parade. Something I will never be able to ignore or deny. This hurt will undo me, and yet I will endure it, face it head-on, and thank the universe for giving me the time and the lessons anyway. I won't wish this had never been or that I hadn't hurt because of it. 

I knew I would hurt for you. The moment we found each other, I always knew I would hurt for you in many different ways, and this is just one more kind of pain. You are as you ever have been, and this is yet one more thing you ask of me. Albeit the last thing I am allowing you the power to ask me for, and yet, it is just as honorable to suffer here as it would have been anywhere else in our dynamic or life together. However strange it's been at times. I find myself wondering if, in time, you'll pop into the edges of my universe once more, and perhaps you will. Maybe this is lifelong in ways I haven't considered, even if my idea of forever was shattered. 

I suppose I will have to wait and see if anything comes of that. My premonition isn't something I can trust right now. The mind plays tricks on fragile emotions, projecting possible futures into a landscape that has no frequency yet. Perhaps I have just manifested its eventuality by writing it down here, and maybe I haven't. Only the fates know the answer to that.

For now, I have to become comfortable with letting you go. I have to continuously remind myself why this is happening, why this is the only outcome that matters, regardless of how many others I wanted to try. I am not in control, and I never was. I always knew that. Yet you made me feel so powerful that who controlled who never mattered. You fed me, and I fed you, and my soul bowed in gratitude and followed out of appreciation and respect. The body recognized you as a force, but the mind saw you as grace. This is a lot to come to terms with. A heavy heart and a fractured mind. 

What we choose to do with ourselves and how we occupy our time are most often, in large part, due to the internalized thought patterns and desires those actions are attached to. In this way, we are very selfish creatures. 

Internalizing actions that we do for others is harder. The actions may be outside what we would have chosen for ourselves. We do them out of devotion to something or someone else. That works as long as there is reciprocity involved. Meaning, you do things for others in ways that benefit them, and the appreciation or progress for you both is the reward for the effort. 

My point, or my question?

If you are my reason for being, doing, and recieving how is anything done under that arrangement done for my gain in a way that is not mental or emotional? I will myself into existence each day for you, the sun and the moon, the beginning and the end. All of it is for you because that is my reason. I don't feel like I exist in this realm beyond a physical body, and therefore, it is pointless to do anything in my own name. A body can do anything, and its designation is with you, so it does anything for you. 

Are you happy?

I would say in a general sense, sure. I am happyish. There is not much in the way of things that I can complain about, not a devastating reality, I have to face, trying to survive the harsh wasteland. I do alright by me, what else can any of us ask for? But that isn't really what you're asking. No, of course not. You're actually asking if this is still satisfying, because I still mean something to you. But even that is hard to answer so simply, because you still bring joy whenever we talk, and yet, there may as well be oceans between us.

"My God, I am glorified to see you, but miserable in the shadow of you, with no sign of life from the heavens that manifest at your shoulders. That which is done in your name loses luster when you can't enjoy its success...." 

At some point, you need to internalize this: 

I think so, but that is harder than it should be. Some of this I would never have chosen without the push. I just would not gravitate towards it, and so, to make it mine, now, after doing for you, feels so alien. It's like starting the projects all over again, because now I have to follow the threads to a new destination. The worth in the threads isn't tied back to, or into you; it's supposed to be tied into me? So I'm supposed to turn these threads into jumper splices that go from not point a to point b, but from a to b, to c, back to b. How did this become a blueprint??? This is a problem.....I invested my currency in your evaluation, not in the project's efficacy. I knew that would always succeed. It isn't difficult to do, but consistently raising the bar in your eyes is a challenge, and that was the reason behind all of it. But you say, I must internalize.... and that sounds like a different language.  

Progress is not linear: 

So the ice is broken. Motion, but nothing is ever in a straight line. Those belong on paper. Now, there is a different friction. Are these issues here because I never tied anything into them of myself, not intrinsically anyway? I thought I understood the assignments and their goal. Be productive, make use of what I know intimately, and be found of value and to be pleasing. I must have missed the fine print.... So now I reanalyze the mental worksheet. I'm not sure how this turn out at this point.

Lazy figure eights in the lawn, kind of energy... 

*I share this because maybe I am not the only one experiencing this headspace. Maybe these musings of my own, given what I am currently experiencing, help someone else find comfort or a solution. Not necessarily looking for advice, but respectful input is always welcome, of course. Thank you in advance for your time. *

Sometimes, I wonder if you know how much the silence bothers me these days. I never used to mind when you were quiet for stretches of time, but that was when it was once in a blue moon. Now its everyday. Every day, there are multiple messages from me, and one from you. It’s tearing me apart. I hate it. I feel like I don’t have an owner anymore. I certainly act like it right now. I feel like you aren't concerned with me. I realize it's a sign of trust; the lack of constant check-ins to make sure I’m in compliance is a positive step in the relationship, and it also shows that work and obligations keep you too busy.  I wish that didn’t mean I couldn't talk with you as much. 

I never thought I would feel neglected. I have concerns: I worry am not seeing the flags for what they are, and I need to prepare for something I don’t yet see coming. I’ve always known this dynamic would require patience. I’ve always been willing to wait happily. You were always there, though. Every morning and every night began and ended with words from you. You turned those moments into rituals of worship between us. Then you stopped having time to keep those appointments. I have mentioned the strain I feel in our bond. This seems to yield only minor results over short periods. But you’re a busy man…. 

A slave should not demand attention from their Master. I hate even thinking about approaching the topic, especially since lately it feels rather repetitive. I feel out of line even for saying, "I want more of your time." Yet, I do. I used to have a considerably larger amount. My headspace depended on you, and it still does, and I'm exhausted keeping a constant without fuel. The inner dialogue in my head tells me this is just a test of endurance. Life will slow down once more in time. I just have to make it through, and for a while now, that’s worked. I’ve managed to get this far, but I find myself contemptuous. My attitude is out in full, and everyone is a target. I am in bad sorts overall; the bad days are stacking up. I am letting this get to me, even if I wish it weren't. 

I have asked you so many questions over the last few weeks, and you have answered none. I am not sure you even read the messages containing the questions. Again, I message all day because you used to enjoy it, but now those messages just stack up and look decidedly one-sided in the chat. I usually go quiet until you say hello again, to avoid looking even more desperate or crazy. I know it's just from a day’s worth of communication, but so many thoughts going unread and unanswered give a girl a complex. 

I ask myself: when is the right time to consider whether this is still working? How do I know if I need to speak up more or if there’s nothing more talking will do? I ask myself if the demands of life for both of us are becoming a divide we can’t fight against. I wonder if this is just natural and things like this happen all the time, and it’s a part of the lifestyle I haven’t experienced yet. You are the first Master I’ve known…… I’m happy, I’ve been happy since the day you took me into your mentorship and service. While I am happy, I don’t know if I feel fulfilled or seen anymore the way I used to. I tell myself I’m complaining and giving it too much focus and thought. I compensate and feel shame for even thinking any of this. I am… so lost while trying so hard to be strong.