What we choose to do with ourselves and how we occupy our time are most often, in large part, due to the internalized thought patterns and desires those actions are attached to. In this way, we are very selfish creatures.
Internalizing actions that we do for others is harder. The actions may be outside what we would have chosen for ourselves. We do them out of devotion to something or someone else. That works as long as there is reciprocity involved. Meaning, you do things for others in ways that benefit them, and the appreciation or progress for you both is the reward for the effort.
My point, or my question?
If you are my reason for being, doing, and recieving how is anything done under that arrangement done for my gain in a way that is not mental or emotional? I will myself into existence each day for you, the sun and the moon, the beginning and the end. All of it is for you because that is my reason. I don't feel like I exist in this realm beyond a physical body, and therefore, it is pointless to do anything in my own name. A body can do anything, and its designation is with you, so it does anything for you.
Are you happy?
I would say in a general sense, sure. I am happyish. There is not much in the way of things that I can complain about, not a devastating reality, I have to face, trying to survive the harsh wasteland. I do alright by me, what else can any of us ask for? But that isn't really what you're asking. No, of course not. You're actually asking if this is still satisfying, because I still mean something to you. But even that is hard to answer so simply, because you still bring joy whenever we talk, and yet, there may as well be oceans between us.
"My God, I am glorified to see you, but miserable in the shadow of you, with no sign of life from the heavens that manifest at your shoulders. That which is done in your name loses luster when you can't enjoy its success...."
At some point, you need to internalize this:
I think so, but that is harder than it should be. Some of this I would never have chosen without the push. I just would not gravitate towards it, and so, to make it mine, now, after doing for you, feels so alien. It's like starting the projects all over again, because now I have to follow the threads to a new destination. The worth in the threads isn't tied back to, or into you; it's supposed to be tied into me? So I'm supposed to turn these threads into jumper splices that go from not point a to point b, but from a to b, to c, back to b. How did this become a blueprint??? This is a problem.....I invested my currency in your evaluation, not in the project's efficacy. I knew that would always succeed. It isn't difficult to do, but consistently raising the bar in your eyes is a challenge, and that was the reason behind all of it. But you say, I must internalize.... and that sounds like a different language.
Progress is not linear:
So the ice is broken. Motion, but nothing is ever in a straight line. Those belong on paper. Now, there is a different friction. Are these issues here because I never tied anything into them of myself, not intrinsically anyway? I thought I understood the assignments and their goal. Be productive, make use of what I know intimately, and be found of value and to be pleasing. I must have missed the fine print.... So now I reanalyze the mental worksheet. I'm not sure how this turn out at this point.
Lazy figure eights in the lawn, kind of energy...