Being a submissive and a control freak is a trip.
The experiences I have had in my life have left me with tendencies that exist in delicate balance with one another. I need to know what is taking place, hour to hour, every day. I am also okay with allowing someone else to set the routine. This is my way of transmuting the side of me that is in a desperate free fall to grab onto, restrain, and manually dictate every second of life. With one act instead of many. Which takes trust, yes, but it's easier to learn to trust one person than it is to trust the world.
To be clear, when I say world, I mean the world of humanity.
I have known evil men and evil women. I've looked at the essence of it, living in the depths of brown eyes that once whispered loving words under warm covers. The sour taste of knowing you've been tricked, of love running out because it was never endless, has sat in my mouth, more than once. When the patience and the rush of the "shiny and new" finally wear off, and the real person finally comes to sit at the table....... I've lived with monsters. The worst part is that when you grow up, as a little girl, you're taught what monsters are supposed to look like. But the reality is the monsters are always the prettiest ones in the room. They looked nothing like they were supposed to.
So now, when I am approached, there is always the question, "Are you a wolf in sheep's clothing, or are you just a wolf?"
Because I no longer believe that people are harmless. No one is truly harmless, because we all have the capacity to do great harm, and all it takes is pushing the right buttons. It doesn't even have to be intentional; the button push is more often, you land on it by accident. This is, at least, my experience with those kinds of buttons. I always managed to find them when I was trying so hard to steer clear. At that point, though, by then, it's too late. The trip wire gets tripped, and holy shit, hold on for the ride, because it's fucking brutal.
So this takes courage for me. To live this lifestyle, to be this person, and carry this title. I do this because there is structure, clarity, expectation, action, and reaction. All things I need in order to feel secure in my life at this point, because these things can be organized, trusted, and relied on. These things can function like a well-oiled machine. I expect the Master that owns me to be able to map out tasks, routines, and expectations in ways that are acceptable, easy to understand, and unique to the dynamic between us, because at the end of the day, I NEED to know there is control over the structure in life, that I can trust that control to always fucntion the same way, to never falter, and to be a solid thread in my mind, life, and purpose. Because I need to know what is taking place every minute of every day, I also realize that I am fragmented enough to be unable to perform at this level alone.
I kneel and hand power over, because in doing so, I have all that I need. My world is chiseled down into fine, organized points of expectations, routines, rules, and obligations. I give my body, my trust, and my devotion in order to feel secure and to belong where I otherwise feel there is no true place for me.
Because I can't trust the vanilla lifestyle to keep me safe, I seek safety in the neatly outlined limitations of a contract. I still love, and fall hard, and give all that I am. My heart is not what I try to protect; it is part of what I give away. My sense of solid ground, that is what I hold closely and tightly to myself; this is the hardest piece to give away because I have clawed my way on fragile pieces in order to have it back once more.
To be seen, to be taken in, accepted, to be owned, and valued as I am, for what I will give, for what I can do... this is the reason, the urge, the need.