The mornings now are just for me.
\With an innocent approach, I have been trying to adjust to my reality. I have been honest with myself, my feelings, and I have, with difficulty at times, not shied away from feeling them. The mornings have been the easiest, but not completely easy to adjust to. I think that has to do with the fact that they mainly mine anyway.
The mantra, the meditation, the time to review tasks, and eat, these have all taken on subtle shifts. The mantra.... that has changed, because it had to. There were pieces of it that aren't true anymore. This is when it hit me. I am holding my own leash, which turns my mantra into an affirmation not for myself and my Master, but just for me. Molding me into whoever I want to be next. The mornings are for me.
Change is creeping in through my walls, like the early-morning drafts. Little by little, I am starting to feel my mind shift, let go of the tension of resistance, and move through acceptance into action. I have never been able to stay down for long, even if part of me wants to. I am already starting to feel the grip of loss loosening. Still waking up numb some days, and in the night, I think... it will take quite some time before you really fade, but I'm aware of that. I know it will be a while but I can't stay here.
The pathways I need to rewire won't do that themselves, and it's small shifts like this that slowly but surely sweep what's left of you into a box in my mind. While the box will stay forever, I don't need the stuff sitting out anymore in a way. And the world turns, and it sucks, and it will, but I am choosing to keep walking, one foot in front of the other, into what's next. Because I have zero clue what that is.
Which... terrifies me, a little. I like knowing what I'm up against, but that's impossible in this circumstance. I must truly gamble with fate and just trust that the next adventure teaches me more new things and that the lessons are of value, intimate change, and the integration of a truer self. Gently, I walk into the unknown, with a little spark of excitement, but first, a new foundation.
The mantra is the first step. There is more to reclaim, change, adjust, and integrate, but I suppose it matters more that I am changing things, shaking up routines, and creating a new circuit for/through me, myself, and I.