I hate not seeing a person's eyes. It really bothers me. He was wearing sunglasses in his profile picture and it bothered me every time I scrolled past it. I messaged him and politely mentioned that he would look more approachable if he showed his eyes.
We began to message and he seemed interested. He was different from the others and I let him take the lead. It began to feel like more of an interview than the small talk thing that new couples do. He asked questions, but never really gave any corresponding information as I answered. He preferred to go straight to rules and tasks and routines. He had told me that he wanted a TPE type relationship. He had the feel of a Master more than anything with his more stern and slightly impersonal ways. I was so new to all of this and had no idea what to do or expect. He became my first real Dom.
He had told me that his name was Devin and that he was divorced and had three young boys, two of which were twins. That was all I really knew other than he was an officer in the Navy. I asked if we could talk on the phone and he said that we would eventually. We never did. As I pressed, he found himself being deployed. He said that he understood if I wanted to end the relationship because most girls couldn't handle it. He explained that he would only be able to email while on the ship. I did have a few military friends and they backed up his story about that.
He was now clear across the world from me and an eight hour time difference. I hated to disappoint him or hurt him, so I said that I would continue. He still never really opened up. He was never unkind, but never sweet and caring either. Any questions I asked were quickly and matter of factly answered, with no elaboration. This is when my mother became ill. I was a hot mess. I was traveling back and forth every weekend to be with my parents. It was the first time in over 6 years that I had been in my childhood home. Work was falling apart and I needed so much support. I would really consider what happened between us to be a form of "trauma bonding", on my part, anyway.
He was there when I needed him as much as he could be. I poured my heart and every emotion into my emails to him. He was constant in his communication with me and I so needed that. A few months in and he told me that the ship was going silent for a few weeks to fix some type of communications and he wouldn't be able to be reached. He told me to continue writing to him and he would read it when he got back. Two days after he couldn't be reached, my mother died. I don't remember much from those days. I wrote to him every day, telling him every emotion that I was going through….the anger and resentment and sadness.
He came back after the three weeks and apologized for being gone from me so long and how sorry he was that he couldn't be there for me. He was kind and caring and I ate it up. I begged for more personal information from him. I desperately needed to feel closer to him. I wouldn't call it sub frenzy, but I was obsessed to say the least at this point.
I got angry that he wouldn't share with me like I had shared with him. I told him that I was ending it. A few days later I got an email from a friend of Devin's telling me that Devin was sick and was in the infirmary. He said that his name was Ted and he was a contact in case there was a problem for Devin. I felt horrible and immediately reached out to Devin. He was mad. Really mad. I asked Ted to help me find a way to make Devin forgive me. Ted said that he would help as much as he could and then he hit on me. I said no. Devin forgave me and things went back to normal for a few more months.
Three days before Christmas I got another email, but this time it was from a woman claiming that I was being lied to. She told me that there really was no Devin and that the man telling me that he was Devin was not deployed but sitting in her living room at that very moment in Maryland. I immediately emailed Devin and asked him what was going on. He was angry when he responded and told me that he didn't have time to deal with my craziness while he was in the middle of important military issues in the gulf. That was it. That was all I got. I emailed her and called her a liar. I told her that I knew she was Ted trying to break me and Devin up. That was when she told me that Devin was Ted. I was blown away. Who the fuck does all that! I emailed Devin/Ted one last time asking how he could do this to me…..no reply.
Lessons learned from Devin/Ted:
1. Get detailed answers to your questions
2. Ask for silly pictures taken in a timely manner to verify that pictures are real. (He had used a Navy buddy’s pictures)
3. Do not ignore your gut feeling. It is there for a reason.
4. Is an online relationship really worth it? So much can be hidden and lied about
5. Do not let them gaslight you
