bakaa blog

So, when i be rejected for the million times + 1 and then i try one more time and send a message to you! A dominant! And each time i replay with carefull words and you keep saying "That was better that i expected!" That create a feeling in me that i finally found someone to accept me! 

Yet, not just that, you ask for specific social media app, and stay still i download it even though i don't use it, just because i saw a spark of hope..

You say "i want in person dynamic" even though I made it clear that im looking for online one! And you can see my country flag idiota! Not just that! blocking me out of nowhere without telling me what's wrong?

Fuck! I hate you, i hate YOU the one who read, i HATE THIS WHOLE WORLD, fuck! All i want is some connection, feelings, care.

Not that, the asshole prof in uni called my parents saying i didn't show up?? For twice only?! I've been there all the semester, WHAT KIND OF PROF CALL MY PARENTS?????

You know what, if it wasn't for me believing in hellfire, I'd kill myself.

Die asshole🖕

I grew up not knowing what i wanted, i know you did too. Yesterday i find myself happy, full of energy and willing to talk. Today I'm sad, tired and wish to disappear. day after day that feeling of sadness is controlling me, taking over my thoughts and just then i found about bdsm, Months ago maybe?..

I didn't know what i wanted from this, it seemed a place to either take control or give up on control, what i wanted was obvious, i wanted to give up on control, i felt so tired of my decisions my mistakes, so i won't feel the pressure if someone else is handling it..

I've tried to be someone's sub, yet i had that conflict of me wanting to be me and me wanting to be owned, be someone's else property.. yet, i realised even in this place i got rejected, just the same way i got rejected in real life.

At that point, i came to a conclusion, people like me belongs to nowhere, even in the most wild community I'm too weird to fit in, I'm not a regular person, I'm a gathering of mental illnesses in a body of human being.