mazie's thoughts.

a few years ago at the beginning of the pandemic, i met a woman.
she was unlike any other Dominant I ever met.
i immediately knew she would be bad for me, but i couldn't stay away.
she was only in my area because of COVID, and it was a very weird time to be dating.
honestly, i shouldn't have been around her at all with how high risk she was but i couldn't stay away.
she was a little older than me, very sexy and the most irresistible part was that she was so experienced, it felt like there was nothing she couldn't do.
she was hard and scary, but also a very wounded soul.
we were very different as people, our values weren't the same, our needs weren't the same, our goals weren't the same.
i think we were both so drawn to the other because of our experience in the kink world, and it had felt to us that we had finally found someone who matched our energy in terms of how seriously we took D/s.
pretty quickly after we met, she was honest that she wasn't going to fall in love with me. she treated me like not a priority, and would choose to do things with other women after i expressed i wasn't comfortable with it.
i turned into a mad woman around her. i wasn't my best self, my behavior was wild and my friends couldn't understand why i couldn't let go.
again, she had been honest that she wanted to be my Dominant, but not my girlfriend. she wanted to love me as a Dom, but not romantically. she just didn't feel that way about me.
for me, i had never fallen in love with a Dominant as just a Dominant and not as a complete person.
so when she let "I love you" slip, i was so confused and i couldn't be just her sub. i wanted to hold her hand, to show her off. i was in love in a different way than she said she was.
how could she say she loved me but make decisions that clearly hurt me? how could she say she loved me but make clear comments about my appearance that were negative?
and she'd say she loved me, just not like that.
it's very confusing to me because at times i still miss her even though it's been 6 years since we've spoken.
at the end, wild things happened and we both blocked each other and haven't spoken since.
but, i've still never met anyone like her. the way she brought out the submissive in me, the way i brought out the Dominant in her.
i don't know if it's that i miss her, or that i miss that.
sometimes i wish i would have let the romantic love part go and just have been her sub because in terms of her skills and commitment as a Dominant, she was a magical unicorn. potentially once in a lifetime.
i have regrets that confuse me, because i wasn't treated well and i wasn't happy.
i just wonder if i'll ever get that feeling again.
the feeling i had when i was on my knees for Her.
the feeling i had when i was such a good girl for Her.
the feeling i had when She was proud of me.
can i have that feeling? can i have that feeling in a healthy way?
i don't know.
but what i do know, is that i miss it.
i'm hopeful, and ready to serve when it happens.