CNC. Something I recently had to explain to my Dom, my therapist, and my psychiatrist, and how it's a fantasy to take back what was stolen from me. One of my friends, when asked for her most iconic NotYouGiggles story, recounted the stormy night I was watching the gallery with her. The rain was coming down sideways, and i had left my umbrella at the front door to dry. During the evening, someone reached in and stole my umbrella. I saw this and trounced after him right into the sideways rain and retrieved said umbrella while loudly proclaiming “Mine” and yanking it from the other person’s hands. Stalking back into the gallery, I didn't leave it by the door this time. I hadn't thought about that until she brought it up…I hadn't thought it unusual. Until she brought it up. Now I'm looking at dominance and submission…and the lateral nature of the world. And yes, I know that people take that as contradictory. It's not. Hierarchy is human-made.
And here…
Is where I will say if you're sensitive or a survivor, please be aware that I just shifted gears to connect this to CNC and my traumas. If you have issues reading about abuse, DO NOT READ FURTHER.
I am dealing with this the way I deal with everything else. Very publicly, and if you don't enjoy that, feel free to move along. No hard feelings.
I used the story above because that is what I'm doing with my sex drive right now.
I was literally raised being sexually abused. And I was beaten without bruising from birth by my sister. I was raped at 19, months before my husband showed back up in my life. We’ve known each other since I was 13. I usually stick to 19 and older. Because that's where I married him, but I never told him about the rape. I have now, or I wouldn't be bringing it up here. And now I’m processing the only way I know how to do it productively for me. Pontificate and see where the logic lies and where it falls apart.
I've been looking for a BDSM community since he first tied me down. And it all seemed to require money we’ve never had (Not asking for money, simply answering the next logical question). Now, I'm done teasing out the why of the bad experience. Not why the bad experience happened to me. But why I reacted the way I did. I had to tease out what I found attractive about the experience. Because beneath that is my sex drive. Something I would very much like to share with him. I'm going to rotate what I call him because he fulfills those roles for me. And as I've inspected my entire sex life a lot recently, these are the phases we've had. A new development. So we've long had rules in place, my husband and I.
That's why I've been seeking advice on CNC; he found his sex drive abused, and so did I, respectively. Now, we rectify that. I've long had rape fantasies. Different kinds, many include looking back on the act…I know it's a romanticization, but the bodily reaction at the time was very real. And I don't want to throw away that feeling with the trauma response. It become important to understand my husband is not a sadist. I am not a masochist in most ways and even the. Only lightly. Ok, I say lightly - I should say, vanilla, in that aspect. My Dom has no issues with any of my limit. That has never been a problem. Explaining my bodies non reaction to vanilla has been difficult for me and frustrating. I haven't had people to discuss this with.
People who have an understanding that when I say I want to control the rape, it not another taking of power it's not actually about rape at all and that’s why I liked the term CNC. So many of my formative orgasms weren't my choice. In some ways, a lot of ways he's been handing me my sex drive and I keep trying to hand it back. That's not going to work. Not anymore.
And yes I'll probably repeat that again…if only to help me understand.