Meaning the things I am no longer capable of what I once was. Those who noted my change in avatar, yes, that really was me at 40. I am not that, and I am not bendy anymore. I am working with disabilities; thank you to all those who have reached out and helped. My husband and I woke up sick. Both of us. So we haven't gotten to play with anything but the collar and leash, which are perfect as my glands go down. And we got one night prior to this. We were careful to wash everything before use because, well, it's us; we are careful. In any case. I've been working online, on Zoom and through email and Zoom with my physical therapist to get me moving again. It's been far too long. I don't even know where I can hold any more. The surgery on the left arm may preclude bondage on that arm. At least until I fully stretch that nerve. So I'm in the process of dealing with things the only way I know how. And radical transparency, as well as honesty, is part of my way of life. There are some portions of my life that aren't mine to talk about and that shall stay as they are; they belong to others. If I share anything about another person, it is only because I have specific permission or it is heavily anonymized.
I break here because as I write fireworks are booming between buildings. I need to say to those like myself, I'm sorry for the explosions.
My husband asked me to figure myself out; I don't blame him. I have been taking his side into account throughout our marriage; it's time that I got to express it all…Meaning I need a place to say the things that are and aren't flattering about our relationship… I still adore my husband. I started correcting everyone the moment we got married; now :: insert little smile here:: we are deciding how he likes to be referred to. Our moods change, and we’ve always flowed from one to the next. I don't want anyone thinking that I am looking for anything other than self-expression, including explicit material, and friendship. I do, in fact, occasionally talk dirty to my friends but not in a way that could be considered cheating. I will say I missed the overtures; however, I am loyal to my man. Have been for 34 years. And I intend to stay that way as long as he is alive.
With that said…and the understanding you already hold of my positionality….if you don't know married and a jabberjaw who publicly processes everything in her life…our first kink….OMG, he tried to be vanilla right away…neither of us was happy, and that didn't last at all. We refuse to be miserable. No matter who wants us to be, we're firm believers in if you don't like it, change it, people. Now the application of that is tricky. I'm trying to remember the first time he tied me up, and I actually don't have a good genesis of that…that scares me more than anything I've said so far. I can't place where we were living, only that… ok, that was the two-bedroom after the studio. We taught classes out of there. I had pulled a groin muscle; the time i figured out women pull them too. A high hook kick done improperly and NotYouGiggles discovered girls have groins too. That evening I waited tables, and that night or the next, Emory was insistent that now was the time for sex (even recounting I can feel the starts to the only argument we've ever had. Ok, second argument: we bought a tube squeezer for the first.
And so I avoid writing what I so enjoyed because it has become a frustrated fight between the two of us. And every emotion from that lingers. And i want to unwind this. We were trying to tie me to the bed, face first, ropes bound around the small mattress and box spring; wow, there's a lot of hard feelings on top of the fond memory of one of my best orgasms. And all i can think right now is of every time he started a fight over sex. Or the times I was overly sensitive because I'm an insecure person when it comes to sex. Always have been due to where I've been. That insecurity has been stood on by a husband who doesn't know he's been doing it.
You know what I'm closing this one as is. And we are going to start with the sex life that stands out to me. He has asked me why I am the way I am now, and well. Here’s an answer or part of one anyway. And yes, we are going to do a comparison to my only other sexual experience over 18.