Soft Knees, Sharp Mind

When I met my child's father, I thought he was the perfect dark romance book boyfriend. He did things I had never experienced before. Choking, slapping, 'good girl', 'my pretty slut', so naturally I thought I had hit the jackpot. I was wrong. Thats as far as he goes, and it only exists inside the bedroom. No flirting through the day, no sexual tension and hes always just so mean to me. Calling me hurtful names and yelling. Not in a way that he does when we're having sex. 

We're not together anymore. We just live together and take care of our baby together until I can get on my feet. Its just exhausting being treated this way

The first time I found out about BDSM was the first time I had read Fifty Shades of Grey. Ive always been a book reader. Staying up all night or hiding in a locked bathroom in my childhood home just to be able to read. When I read it, I thought it was romantic because I was only 12 at the time. Through my high school years, I discovered smut, a genre of reading that is very "spicy" and ive noticed that everytime I read a smut book, I find myself almost in tears because of how nice it would be to find someone like the main characters in those stories.
I could be being delusional or just simply romanticizing things that probably aren't realistic. It would be so nice for someone to speak to me in a way that makes me feel calm and safe, while also being firm and leading me in the right direction.
I am very emotionally chaotic so having someone to know me well enough to redirect the thoughts in my mind is something ill always want, and it's something the female book characters get. Either way, I made my way onto this platform as a way to express myself and a certain part of myself that hasn't been explored just yet :)