Ginger's Nest

Its been awhile.

Its been awhile since I had these thoughts leave my head. 

Far too long since I've felt normal, felt like me. 

Last night was a bad night, with bad thoughts, bad emotions, and bad sleep, really a bad way to start the week. 

I thought when I started this journey I was going to find pieces of me and be able to be open to others... and I did for awhile. But then one after the other I came upon those that just want to control. Not care, not teach, love and inspire. No, they just wanted a good little slut that would do everything for them and not bat an eye. The type that lure you in with promises of hope, of respect, of love and all the things you need. To help create safe space for you to learn and explore... but that has been slowly destroyed more and more.

I am losing trust and with that loss, my walls are building up... higher... sturdier... and I don't know if I'm going to be able to let them come down again. I know its half my fault and with each transgression it is more and more on me... but I can't seem to let go, to make them leave so I can be at peace and find what I need.

I feel like I'm going to build those defenses so well that I'm going to die a lonely old spinster in my big lonely castle.

Hey fellow subs, I have a question that I am hoping you may have some advice on...

I'm going through a... something... lately I have been struggling super hard with being in a submissive role with my Dom. As in he tries to be dommy with me and I feel like telling him to fuck right off. And I'm not sure how to get past this.. 

Any advice?

So, I've been part of a poly relationship for a few months now. At the beginning I was gung ho for it all. I was super happy and excited for my partner to find new people to possibly start a new relationship with both kink and vanilla alike. We had fun finding possible matches. 

But its not as fun anymore... I'm frustrated and feel like I'm on the backburner all the time now. I also feel like I've become a chore for him and I'm not ok with that.

But I don't know what to do... should I try harder to find my own partners so that I'm not putting so much pressure on him? Do I just back off completely? Do I try to make things happen more? I'm so lost as to what I do. 

He is the first person I've felt that zing with and I actually love him. Even when he pisses me off, I still can't help but have that feeling of "fuck, I love this man." Because of him I actually understand what those stupid romance movies are trying to portray, that feeling of just pure happiness, love, being the center of something. 

You know when a bird is about to ruffle its feathers, that split second before where a vibration goes through starting at its chest? That's how I feel. Like I'm shaking out my feathers, about to take off. That feeling of utter freedom, the choice to do whatever i want. 

Does anyone have any suggestions? Open to anything lol

The low doesn't come in the night when you lay there alone.

It doesn't come when you first wake up, rolling over to feel no one beside you.

No the low hits you when you are wide awake.

When you are sitting there by yourself, just you and your brain. Thinking of all the things that you don't want to.

When you are watching your favorite show and feeling nothing.

The low will come at a time is not convenient. it will come when you need to be strong. 

It will come when you are alone, yes. It will wreak havoc on you mentally and emotionally. You may want to scream and cry and hide from the world. 

You must not let it take hold. Reach out. Be with people. Be weak in that moment but don't be weak alone. Allow the help that is being offered. Ask for it if you need it. Do not be afraid of being weak. 

So it's been awhile since I wrote something.

Life got crazy. I mean it did for everyone. But I got an extra sprinkle of fun. 

At the beginning of the world collapsing from the virus I was promoted while still finishing classes. That was fun, NOT! 

since January I have been up and down with "relationships" some ending cause they were not worth my submission and the one good one ended cause I messed up. 

I have been living with an asshole abuser who claimed to be a dom but really is not. He used me and threatened me if I tried to move out. 

I have finally gotten a backbone, not totally my own as I have opened myself to two amazing people that want me in their life. Though it may be rocky we are working through it. 

I can see the light. I am now getting my own place, I am working on me, I am opening myself to... love? I am becoming stronger, tougher and accepting me for me. 

The light is shining down and showing me there is an exit from the dark turmoil of this cave that I have been stuck in for far too long. 

Thanks for reading 😊

It's one of a few mantras I say almost daily.

I also use "ain't no rest for the wicked" and "I'm going to a special place in hell" oh and "fuck it!"

These are what keeps me going in hard times. One for emotional hard times. One for stressful times and the other for when, well, when I just need to shake my head at myself for doing yet another stupid thing. And the last I probably use the most in every aspect of my life. Cause well fuck it, why not!

Apparently there is no such thing as a person's bubble😩 

Oh is that phone breakable? Yes? Here let me slap it out of your hand.

Oh you want to sit peacefully on the couch reading? Here let me chew on you!

Oh you want to watch something let me jump on you and bark at people across the street! Oh wait no it's a leaf I'll bark even more!

Oh you're enjoying some nice scalding hot tea? Let me see if I can make you spill it everywhereally by ramming into the back of your legs while you try to walk somewhere!

Oh you want to get dressed? Here let me sniff all the private parts you hide under those things you put on to stop me from doing this!

Oh you're trying to eat? Here let me claw your arm to shreds so I can have some too!

Oh you're legs are far too pale! Let me jump and stand on them tI'll there's brises!  

Personal bubbles apparently do not exist when you have 2 dogs that like to act as if they're starved for attention... 😧 I love my fur babies but sometimes I'm about ready to ship them off to gramma's lol

So I'm a red head. And with that lovely red hair that so many adore I have fair skin. Yes that checks a lot of boxes for a lot of people. But what it doesn't check, is tanning. 

I go from "transparent" as Dragon11 likes to call me to angry red within an hour (or two if I'm lucky).

I was out enjoying the sunshine for the first time in months yesterday. Listening to the birds and my dad work on his new project (a boat this time) playing with the dogs, drinking tea and just enjoying life. 

And as I've said before karma is a bitch and she will bend you over her knee and give you the spanking you deserve. My mom got burnt Saturday and I was all "told you to be careful" blah blah blah. Yeah well then I was dumb on Sunday and was all la-dee-da and enjoying the sun. So... now I am also a red mess. 

The sad part is that my "tan" won't really be a tan.. I don't tan like the other 80% of the population. Oh no. I turn angry get slightly less transparent and then the freckles are like "hey there! We've been hiding, but since you got burnt we're coming out" 😂😂😢. 

Oh the life of being a red head lol

So least to say I've got some boo boo's that will be angry and hot for the next couple day's lol

I really miss working in the coffee shop. I had so much fun and made so many caffeinated drinks that would have me buzzing for hours lol. It was a total accident doing this late ary. .. but I thought it was so damn cool lol

^ "Catching the World on Fire" -we had a bad fire season last year and I caught this on a hike. Was too pretty to miss the opportunity

^ "Hidden Treasure" If you have ever been to Skagway Alaska and taken a tour of the cemetery this waterfall is just up the trail . I love this hike it's super easy and fun. You know you're there not only by the sound but the wall of mist that you hit at the crest of the hill. It's an amazing feeling. Like how a person might feel walking back in time. 

^"Perspective" It's all how you choose to look at things. 

Don't have a title for this.. I got bored one day and drew this.. Was going to paint it, but never got around to it lol]

I hope you enjoyed these :)