Ginger's Nest

I find myself thinking of those from my past today. Some from a long time ago, some from not so long ago. People that have moved on physically and spiritually. 

I wonder how some of them are doing. What their lives look like. How they've changed. 

How have I changed? People say I have a lot but I'm still the insecure little girl I was before. I'm just better at hiding it. 

I'm better at playing pretend. 

Does it make a bad sub to not be able to show vulnerability?  To build walls and barriers to protect myself?  Maybe.

Things have been rough and great lately. I feel like I'm on a roller-coaster without any safety barriers. But to anyone looking at me they will see a smile, they will see optimism and a go with the flow attitude. Some days it's harder to show my vulnerabilities. I will hide behind jokes, laughter, I will change the subject. I will quickly reinforce weak spots. 

I struggle to let others see those parts of me.

I was told I need to grow. That i wasn't ready for a dynamic. I wasn't mature enough to have a partner. I wasn't good enough to do many things. I wasn't ready for the next step. I wasn't submissive. I wasn't enough.

But I'm still standing. I'm still here. I may not fully know myself yet, but I'm still learning and growing. Yes some days I don't want to adult, but there's a kink for that! 

Thanks for reading my gush of whatever this is lol. 

I hope you enjoy the rest of your day or night whichever timezone you're in. 

Till next time!

So I need to make some decisions.... and I'm not totally sure how to do that. There are some aspects I love, some I'm nervous about, and some I'm not sure I'm ready for yet. Both in real life and kink life. Online and offline.  Some days I think I have it all figured out and that life's like BAM! Here's a hoard of flying squirrels to disrupt you're life!

some days I feel like I've got all the little bastards and the next day I only got a couple... how do they keep escaping?!

I need things to be easy again... quiet... relaxing... not full of drama! I don't create drama... but here I am stirring the damn pot like it's my job!

Between work, school, this keto diet and taking care of my woofers I don't have a lot of free time. Then I'm adding in kink? For the most part it's online, there's a couple around that I've gone on coffee dates with, but nothing has really clicked with them... online, I feel like I don't give the time and energy I should be, but I feel like I'm already spread thin and it goes round and round like that.

My dad used to tell me "there's no rest for the wicked" (love the song) but who the hell deemed me wicked?! Cause we need to have a chat buddy! Like seriously!

Anyways that's my blurb for tonight! Hope you have a good day or night depending where you are! 

It's never the same to restart something.

To go back to the beginning... it can suck. All the work, the time, the effort, the highs and lows that were gone through to get there just to have it all be restarted. 

Though it may seem dismal going back to the beginning, there is an upside.... experience. You come out at the end knowing so much more about yourself that you didn't before. 

It isn't easy. I know this I've had... a lot of resets in many aspects of my life. Some intentional, most of them not. And each one has taught me something. Some things good and helpful. others... not so good.... 

I like to joke that my family saves people. But really we do. my family has been in the emergency services all my life. My brother and I have joined one form or another. We have been the faces people see on some of their worst days. But I like that I was there for them. I feel pride in knowing I did something good. I helped them. It's not only physically saving someone but mentally as well. Having someone tell me that I helped them through a hard week, day, moment. It makes me feel appreciated. Like I did good for someone. 

I guess that's my blurb tonight lol... I'm not sure what else to say... 

I hope you're day is good, and it will be if only you let it 😚

Well it''s been awhIle since I made a post, things got a little crazy there for me. I added another class to my schedule and caught strep throat. The second part has made things so bad... I just want to crawl in a hole... thankfully I'm on antibiotics now and hallefreakingluyah for advil, serious life saver especially with the worst headache I've suffered in a.... well ever I think... it's not from dehydration... I've drank so much liquids I feel like I'm 98% water instead of 70%. 

But I am on the mend! I know cause I loaded the dishwasher lol. They say it takes a strong person to admit their weaknesses well one of mine is that I am the hugest baby when it comes to being sick. I am the type that will call my mommy and ask if she can come take care of me, and my dogs...(She can't, but I still ask) I think taking care of pups is the hardest part about being sick to be honest. And not having someone to come take care of me lol. 

Seriously going to start taking Emergen-C everyday! Cause I actually hate being sick so much. 

Today could've been a bad day. I had all the forces against me. My car wouldn't start roommates truck had a flat. Friends were at work. I had a doctor's appointment that I had to get to, I missed class, but I made it to work. The roommate almost drove me crazy. My manager needs to be fired and then sent to rehab. 

But I don't feel like it was that bad of a day. Even my 20 minute very brisk walk in the great outdoors at -40°. I had a talk with a taxi driver that stays at the hotel I work in that said some great words. Which were to be thankful for everything we have. Our health, our family,  a roof over our heads, food in the fridge. We could let bad things get us down but as long as our hearts are full it's hard to be sad.

So today has been a good day. They may not always be good days, but today really was. Also I'm planning to do something big for a close friend of mine. So I think that has me feeling good about myself. 

So since getting into bdsm, not all that long ago I have had problems finding my way. 

First I was told that I wasn't a sub... I was too independent and strong willed. Too strong. But they never saw the little. Never saw my submissive side. To some I was dominant, some I was a switch and on and on. 

I don't feel like I am... 

I kept on.... I thought maybe they weren't right for me. Some days I was tempted to just forget about trying... today is one of those days... I have been talking to a great dom and we had a great connection. But we'll I fucked that up... so I wonder if I really am cut out to be in this lifestyle? I can't do anything right so why try? 

Today is a hard day... 

So if you've been following my posts you know I've been on this keto kick...  hoestly the last couple days I've wanted to say fuck it and eat some tasty pasta or bread or potatoes (one of my favorite foods) but I didn't cave.

I have been cooped up in my place for a couple days because it's -40 outside and ain't nothing worth going out for in this... there is a warning out that frostbite will likely start in 5 minutes of being out there.

Anyways tonight I was dancing around like a crazy lady in my dragon onsie having a blast when I thought... you know what, what the hell let's see if I lost any weight... I know it's only been a week but who knowas it's not like I could've gained right? I didnt lol but I was actually shocked I've lost over 10 pounds. No way was that right... so I checked it again... nope it was even better... 16 pounds...how could that be... maybe how I was standing? So I tried again making sure to stand in the same spot.. again it was reading that I was 16 pounds lighter... I was actually so happy I kept dancing for another hour lol

So I guess I'm going to keep on with this diet and try to add more exercise in as the pounds shred off. Tonight was a huge boost in my determination to stick with it!

OK I may be being a little over dramatic but I am one of those awful sick people. You know the ones that get a "man cold" (no offense) I will bitch and moan and cry. I do not like being sick and today I believe marks day 1 of keto flu. I have just NOT felt good all day, I evendors tried going back to bed, and that helped for a little while... enough to trick me into thinking I was OK to go to work. And now that I am at work... totally different story...

ooh maybe someone I don't like will come in and I can puke on them! That would totally make my night better lol. JOKING! .....mostly.... 

This goes away soon right? I'm not going to feel this terrible for long? Like a couple days and I'll be back to normalish (not that I'm sure I fall in that normal range) but like my normal? 

Please someone tell me there's a light at the end.... maybe Morse code it... or I could

"... _ _ _ ..."

Lol maybe I'm goin a little crazy over here in this frozen icebox!!!!😨 

So yesterday I was certain that by the end of my shift I would be seeing double with tiredness... shockingly I wasn't!  I even had energy to come home and clean after all the shenanigans and running around all day. Normally I would've been so beat that I would've had to have a nap before I went to work but I wasn't.  It's crazy! 

I hope this energy level keeps up. I've been told that I have to watch certain things and try to keep on top of certain vitamins and other stuff. I found something's that I was told to get. 

Still not happy I had to cut cookies out... but I've been told there are recipes out there that I can use! So excited to try them. Hopeful they taste close!

So I decided to plan tomorrow out so I can get everything in that I need to... I am going to be one exhausted girl come tomorrow night. My day tomorrow starts nice and early at 8:30...and no going back to bed for this sleepyhead... nope nope nope... I have some food prep to do, but I have to leave the house by 9:45. I have running around to do, some groceries to grab and people to meet. By 10:45 I plan to be at the gym... then by 12:15 I have to be out and showered and ready to go. Drive back home grab food for work and binder for school, drop stinky sweaty clothes off and be at the university for 1. Class 1 -2:30 and then be at work from 3-11.... tomorrow is going to be great! 

Something I leared today is that  there's a thing called Keto flu 😨 I am an awful sick person... like I get mancolds! And now I'm willingly putting myself in a flu like state 😢 I will need all the strength and best wishe's in this time to come... lmfao!