If You Care To Find Me, Look To The Western Sky...

I smile and find to good in everything and everyone.  It’s who I am. 

FIFTY-ONE YEARS OLD TODAY!! Never in my life would I have thought I would be stronger and happier and more confident and independent.  I was never allowed to bloom and grow.  Now I am and I am starting to thrive,not only survive. 

^{that’s right people, this is not a drill.  Gooooood morning!!!}

im set up for my day.  Coffee in my hand, Vivaldi-The Four Seasons plays so softly, rain taps the windows of my office. I sit back and monitor the boards. 

I’m up before dawn, music blaring, lifting and getting ready for the day.

daylight once again will be part of my daily life.

im not sure if I remember day time etiquette as I e been rogue on night shift for 4 years now.  

must curb my sarcasm immensely. 

I sit here on my patio sipping coffee and reading a smut book. It is May 1st, the first day of my birthday month. May 16 I will turn 51. I think back to one year ago. I was in my cocoon, I was fighting for my life. 

I started spinning my cocoon at the start of February, I began to change. I chucked out a mindset it had been stuck in. I looked deep into who I was and who I want to become. I needed to find ME, the girl that has been hidden for so long.  

I started taking “selfies” of myself, lots and lots of them. I took photos of myself daily. I tried different lighting, filters, and props. I wanted to see “me” . I stopped reading and watching all the self help, guru books and videos. I did what I wanted to do, I wanted to become ME. 

I spun the silk and wrapped myself securely. I was filled with fear and anxiety. I never knew what the day would bring. I didn't give up, I kept going. I put myself into my career, and into my family, and I stopped with idle gossip and worrying what others thought of me. 

I was curious about some of the Doms here on this site. I decided to start talking to them and I found out they were, and are kind men. And they have become my friends. I gained a mentor who guided me and still gives me sound advice. I was able to grow in so many ways, and still am.

I always thought I was the scared rabbit, shaking and ready to run for cover under a thorny bush, to escape the gnashing teeth of the wolf at my tail. But now I understand more. That I am still the little rabbit, but I want to be chased and hunted.  I want to be the slave crawling with  purpose on my Masters leash. I want to be the muse of my Doms desires. I now want to show my dark desires just as much as I show my simple desires. Be a fiery voice.  I want to be the loving soft place for him to rest. I now know that I am all those things, I want to stand with him, beside him and behind him. Serving him, protecting him. 

I've learned that “Cunt” is not a dirty derogatory word. But is more of a word of devoted ownership. I have gained so much knowledge in this past year, and I will keep learning more and growing. I have finally learned that I am worthy, and desirable. That I can love to love. 

I will write a few more blogs as I lead up to my birthday on the 16th. Sharing how my life has changed in one year.

who knows?! I’ve went from night shift to 2nd shift to now day shift starting this weekend.  It’s chaos at work. But I rise up and take the mic with unwavering strength to send out to those in need. just set my coffee at the door. I’ll sneak out and grab it, as now I must once again acclimate to people and complete daylight.