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Inside my fucked up world
6 months ago. November 28, 2022 at 1:58 AM

If you have problems finding yourself or have questions about your behaviors and past, seeking therapy via BDSM is not the way to go! It's not fair to the person whom you are subjecting and it's not fair to you because they are not going to ask the right questions that you need so you can THINK ON IT!

Don't get me wrong BDSM can be very phycological but it's not the remedy. In fact it can be very dangerous entering a BDSM relationship when you feel lost, depressed and anxious. You need to find yourself first instead of trying to passively finding answers. There are many lifestyle friendly therapists that would fill that gap that you feel when visiting a normal counselor even thought they are qualified to deal with your situation. Trust me they have seen it all. 


The world is full of broken people that think they are submissive because they have no self confidence. 


Be different. Take initiative and work on yourself. The worst thing to a dominant person is a submissive who thinks they are worthless! What does that say about the dominant If their submissive thinks they are lower than dirt. Ugh it's sickening. 




6 months ago. November 24, 2022 at 1:45 PM

This is just a rant about those people that post videos wearing fetish wear who call themselves dominant. Go suck a nut and take that collar off with 15 keys hanging from it you look like a slave You are bound to your traffic and money Also the thing you are wearing is called PVC not latex!😡

Okay I'm done ✅


5 years ago. November 9, 2017 at 9:03 AM

When you feel stuck and you do not know what to do, when all your thoughts just go in circle and you find yourself at square one repeatedly.

When you hit a wall and you think there is nothing you can do, when you give up and let the situation take control...

Sometimes a different way of thinking, a different approach and different attitude will make the biggest difference.

When you have gone through A to Z, and after a while, you forget it, and you are pissed at yourself and you think you are dumb or unintelligent and your confidence is shaken, sometimes all you need is a smallest ass step.

It is easy to doubt yourself it is easy to be disappointed, it is so easy to give in.

It is not always easy to recognize that all you need doesn’t come from anywhere else other than within.

You could be the most knowledgeable person in the universe and still deal with those feelings because of your own unreasonable is so easy to get sucked in your head and criticize yourself to death and no matter what you do will become NOT ENOUGH.

It is so easy to lose yourself if you are not careful. Some people have asked me "What are you scared of? “every time my mind would go into overdrive and think about things that would scare the shit out of me.If they ever happened to me but then I would start thinking about,"Ok how can I defeat this" or " how could I get out of it” if it ever happened to me and every time I would be able to come up with a solution pretty its either snakes or spiders or death caused by different scenarios ... and all of  those left me room to maneuver and find hope, if I put myself in that situation and I would start planning. 

but the thing that scares me THE MOST and I mean It is something that when it happens it prevents me from thinking in general let alone coming up with solutions is... ME.

I am scared of myself like nothing else. I could die in the most painful way, I could be tortured to the brick of death and be brought back to life and go through it over and over again and it still won’t compare to the pain and torture that I can cause myself.

I know my deepest weaknesses, I know my deepest desires and limits and when I turn against me...forget it... it is like a virus that deactivates the antivirus and just takes over and everything turns dark very fast.

In addition, usually in that time you look for SOMEONE ELSE to help you out to get inside your head and cleans everything for you but the matter of the fact is that no one can. No one knows you better that you know yourself and if you cannot get inside your own head, no one can. they can help you for sure they can push you and make you start REALLY thinking about stuff that you so lightly looked over but if you are in a total block and their words just bounce off you and you are dead inside... they can’t do shit. 

It is all about letting yourself to be vulnerable cause when you are in that dark mind set... it doesn’t matter what everyone says, you just want to go against that, you just want to say NO, you just want to be superficially different, you just want to not let anyone in and suffer. You are trying to hurt yourself for whatever reason... 

"Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional” sort of thing and don’t get me wrong when you are in that head space suffering is pleasurable. But it’s destructive as hell. It makes you blind; it takes you on a journey that is nothing but a fantasy.

Unless you WANT it... no one can help you and most of the times you do not need others help you just want to pretend that you do when you know deep down that you need to step up and put aside being mentally lazy and get out of the cycle.

Yes, it will be different, yes it will be something unfamiliar but clinging on FAMILIAR has you to Shadows and darkness.

I am not going to lie... I love the darkness I love that side of me that drives everyone away, not because it makes me feel different but because it is an undiscovered territory that not everyone bothers to discover. The hurt and the pain and the suffering, the disappointment, the feeling all alone and isolate, I don’t look at them as negatives I look at them as FEELINGS and feelings is what human have an advantage of. Just because it is unpleasant does not mean that, it is not a part of me.


But you need discipline and control if you are going down that path I can’t stress this enough... it might be so easy to talk about it but its super dangerous and when you are in that direction without awareness... it could be deadly not deadly as figure of speech but literally DEADLY! 


Sometimes a little reassurance, a little digging within yourself will make this all a hell a lot easier BUT the most important part is for you to want that.




5 years ago. November 7, 2017 at 7:19 AM

 you lost in the stellar green wonders! 

The fig of ignorance

Epitomizes the virgin rocks

The heart of water is pining 

For the reflection of a garden

The everyday apple tastes of illusion in the mouth.

old fear! 

My fingers went numb when you came to me.


My hands know no fear: 

Tonight they pluck fruits

From the branches of myths.


Each tree bears

As many leaves as my fears.

Audacious speech thawed in the burning meeting of eyes

colorful beginnings! 

Protect my eyes from the evil magic: 

I am still 

Dreaming of

Unknown nocturnal blessings.

I am still

Thirsting for

Wavy waters.

My buttons

Look like ancient magic words.

On the meadows 

We had our last carnal feast before words began.

In this feast, the music of stars

Fell upon my ears from inside the potteries.

And my eyes reflected the swarms of migrating magicians.

Oh ancient mirror of narcissus in sorrow! 

Ecstasy carried me away.

To the realm of growth? 


Let us drink water of wisdom when we thirst for speech.

The pure modesty of speech

Flows under the strewn legacy of night: 

Before syllables came into being, 

The living had their resurrection.

From among the rivals

Arrogant speech cracked my jaws.


I, wading knee-high

In pure vegetable silence, 

Bathed my hands and face in the sight of objects.

Then, in another season, 

My shoes got wet 

With the word of dew

Then, I sat down on a rock

And listened to the pebbles migrating past my feet.

Then I perceived

That each branch 

Escaped the season of my hands.

 counterfeit night! 

My kerchief filled with unripe clusters of prudence.

From behind the wall of a deep sleep, 

A bird flew out of intimate darkness

And took my kerchief away.

The first pebble of inspiration echoed under my feet.

My blood tenderly hosted the space.

My pulse swam over the elements.



No, what am I saying? 

The illumination of window warmed up the listener's cold body, 

My fingers traveled in the direction of love.


5 years ago. October 18, 2017 at 1:10 AM

As a guy we are told there are many things wrong about that title . I call bullshit.

there is this guy at my job who lives outside of the building in his van.he comes in he gets his food and tea and talks to people and then goes on the street maybe outside of an other building and hangs there. At first I was unsure and thought he was going to be like other homeless dudes asking people for money outside the store.

tine went by and I got to know him and we can just talk with weird silences and awkward pauses. 

Tonight my last night on longisland I’m sitting in the car  outside my job and I parked next to his van. I didn’t see him but he came outside the store and got into his van and didn’t see me .

when he started the van and started backing up I tuned my head and waited until he looked my way and I waved at him acknowledging him. Then the biggest smile appeard on his face and he waved back at me almost coming  to  a full stop and his hand just ligeredcwavibg at me for a long 3 seconds. Then he slowly backed up and honked his horn as he was leaving. 

His genuine happy face imprinted in my brain. As I smiled and uncontrollably mumbled “I love him”. 

It meant the world to me that seeing  him smile for a whooping 3 second. 

Time stoped and everything was joy. I wasn’t thinking about anything at that moment I was just being and I was just in a pure state. 

Who says you can’t love a man with out being gay?

5 years ago. October 17, 2017 at 3:07 AM

You should come close to me tonight wayfarer
For I will be celebrating you.

Your beauty still causes me madness,
Keeps the neighbours complaining
When I start shouting in the middle of the night
Because I can't bear all this joy.

I will be giving birth to suns.
I will be holding forests upside down
Gently shaking soft animals from trees and burrows
Into my lap.

What you conceive as imagination
Does not exist for me.

Whatever you can do in a dream
Or on your mind-canvas

My hands can pull - alive - from my coat pocket.

But let's not talk about my divine world.

For what I most want to know
Tonight is:

All about

5 years ago. October 16, 2017 at 6:51 PM

Leave the familiar for a while.

Let your senses and bodies stretch out


Like a welcomed season

Onto the meadow and shores and hills.


Open up to the Roof.

Make a new watermark on your excitement

And love.


Like a blooming night flower,

Bestow your vital fragrance of happiness

And giving

Upon our intimate assembly.


Change rooms in your mind for a day.


All the hemispheres in existence

Lie beside an equator

In your heart.


Greet Yourself

In your thousand other forms

As you mount the hidden tide and travel

Back home.


All the hemispheres in heaven

Are sitting around a fire



While stitching themselves together

Into the Great Circle inside of



5 years ago. October 15, 2017 at 12:05 AM

all my life I have been running away from people telling me what to do.

to be free and do what ever I want and say fuck everyone else.

At the same time I’m looking to be told what to do.

what is this ? Is this the meaning of submission ? Is it because I want the freedom but I want to freely give it to some one I deem worthy ?


or is it “what goes around comes around” like the things I didn’t like as a kid and love as an adult ?

Why am I looking to obey ? Why does it make me content?

or is it because when I was living with my parents they were the ones disciplining me and now that I’m on my own I realize that I need it ?


is it because I know I have the tools but I can’t focus on my own and need the discipline to achieve what I know I can be and do ?

These are the things circling my head.

Why do you obey?


5 years ago. October 13, 2017 at 11:55 AM

last night something strange happened. I keep a note pad next to me at all times and I write down my dreams and I read them in the morning.

This morning I woke up with this and I don’t remember anything from it and/or remember waking up and writing it down.

it’s freaky even for a freak like me. 

“I can’t feel. I can’t taste. I can’t breath and I can’t see. I can’t move and I can’t swallow. I’m in my head alone again.I fear the fear,nothingness,Lack of self control and my own reflection.There is nothing around a tunnel of darkness I chase the flickering light that never comes.
I can go places,see people and they are alway the way I want them to be and it feels real it feels more real than the air I used to breath.
Talking snakes and wolves and the wise owl is watching.” 

5 years ago. October 12, 2017 at 9:45 PM