Ok, everyone,
I literally have no excuse for how badly I've been neglecting this site and my blog but I'm going to get back at it and hit it hard. 😉
I've missed all you kinky fucks!
More kinky conversation to follow...
This is a message for companies/business that make collars that only fit females...AKA almost all of them...
YOU ALL SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES!
This writing is me at my breaking point. I know a lot of people will read this and think "But they make collars in all sizes"...yes, sizes for women. If you can find a company that makes a collar in an XL, you are still only getting a 20 inch collar. Many men need 21-24 inches. Try to find that...Anywhere! If you do, it is custom made at double the cost. Even with my fit and healthy subs, I have to punch holes extra holes in them. How would that feel if it was you? A collaring is supposed to be special. Not your Domme making modifications on the fly so it fucking fits.
I am tired of looking my subs in the face and saying "I'd love to collar you but I can't until you lose some weight". My first subs collar was one I made him from a belt and hardware I picked up at my local hardware store. I told another sub that we could get a custom eternity collar, but we can't. They deserved better. It is hard enough to be a male sub...
Are bigger subs less deserving? How much worse is it for them knowing they are too big for a collar? Isn't our community about inclusion and acceptance? If you are a collared submissive or a Dom/me that has a collared submissive, check with your manufacturer as to if they offer collars over 20 inches. Ask them to offer on option for bigger people, ask them why their collars are designed to fit 80% of women and 20% of men. Ask them...
In light of some recent unfortunate events, I think its time for a little positivity. Over the past few months, I've observed The Cage comunity navigate some interesting changes and I've heard a lot of concern over the climate of The Cage. Mostly over who should be here and what defines acceptable conduct.
Here are a few thoughts on the topic.
Our community here reminds me of a good soup. Like any good soup, seemingly an excessive amount of ingredients go into the pot, perhaps things that you would never enjoy on their own. The hotest chili oil, the sassiest spices, the assertiveness of raw garlic and onion (and some of y'all are some raw onions ;)) and other ingredients no one would indulge in by themselves all go into the mix. The key to the balance is with other flavors; honey for sweetness, the right seasoning and a hearty stock for a base and suddenly there is magic. Just like a great soup, it needs time to cook. Throw on the lid, set it to simmer, and LEAVE IT ALONE! When you come back to check on it, and something still isn't quite right, you can't remove ingredients but you can add more of something else to achieve the necessary balance. With a little effort, it will be 100% worth it. Give it patience, and the time needed for the flavors to meld, and it will be fucking delicious.
I hope I've made you all hungry. ;)
I am breaking my own rule today and I'm writing angry. As I sit here and stew over the morning's events, drinking my coffee, I have yet another emergency to deal with. My year old puppy's ball has rolled out of reach under the furniture. The dog paces back and fourth, whinning incessantly, poking me with her muzzle, trying her best to alert me of the emergency of the situation. The smallest of issues becomes the biggest of problems in her world because she lacks understandable perspective. Such behavior is acceptable out of a puppy but not from a human, especially a prospective submissive. Eventually, I will get up and get her ball and all will be right with the world but I will do it for her because she is my responsibility.
You are NOT my responsibility! And neither are your "needs" to submit or to orgasm. I don't want to hear about what you want and "need". If you only message me when you want help getting off or to share your sexual desires, doesn't that make me your service sub? Do you have any idea how objectifying and insulting that is as a Domme? Virtually every day I am messaged with requests to provide that very service to strangers. I will not have a sub that expects the same from me.
Here is what I do expect...
I expect you to give your all to serve me and suport our growing dynamic. It is ok to not know how to do that or not be good at it right away. It is ok to ask questions, but submission is not self-imposed orgasm denial that you then beg ME to release you from. Here is what it does mean to me...If you serve me and my interests, if you please me and support the power exchange dynamic, even when you don't want to, that is valuable to me and you will be rewarded.
Will it be frustrating? Yes! Will you want to give up and quit? Probably. This will be insanely hard. If any sub was good enough for me I wouldn't be negotiating with you. I get that this issue is probably a matter of a lack of experience and not one of ignorance or a significant character flaw, at least I choose not to believe that. I also get the unfortunate reality that many men don't know how to engage in a non-selfish sexual relationship. I also would not be upset if I didn't care or expect more from this person by now.
Why is all this going in my blog?
Maybe I hope this person reads it, hears my words, and finally gets it. Maybe I hope that others will see this and can make some positive moves within their own dynamics or in searching for the right person for them. Perhaps mostly it is my hope that other women see this and stop normalizing such behavior by allowing it to continue.
I truly hope it is not too late for us but I can't ignore the fact that damage has been done, and I recognize that I am not the only one that is frustrated in this situation. Time will tell if we can grow into eachother and move beyond this.
The difference between pups and kittens...as demonstrated by my domestic dog and cat.
Dog repeatedly shoves ball into the face of the resting cat, wanting a playmate. Cat ignores dog, pretending to be asleep, but is obviously annoyed. Dog eventually gets frustrated and gives up, drops ball, and finds a place to lay down. Dog flops down with a big, frustrated sigh but is quickly asleep. Cat gets up and steals ball.
Ball is still missing...
I am often asked what to do when someone is brand new and what they should do to meet a Domme. In light of how common this question is, here is my compilation of advice on what to do when first entering the community. I think much of this advice transcends rolls, genders and relationship dynamics thus is universal in nature, however, I will also identify some nuances of Femdom that are important to those seeking such a relationship.
*Do your reasearch, particularly if you are new.
There is a lot to kink and the kink community. There are standards, expectations, and many types of dynamics and play styles. I'm not saying you need to be an expert but some people take BDSM very seriously. If your prospective partner asks you "What is your favorite style of play?" Your answer should not be "What styles of play are there?"
*Be realistic.
Though men almost always outnumber women in kink, sub males to Domme women are among the most disproportionate of any other conventional dynamic. With sub males outnumbering Dommes something like 10 to 1, you will have to accept many truths in this. First, relationships will likely take time and effort to establish. It is rare that any dynamic will fall into place overnight and it is an unrealistic expectation so be prepared to put in the work just like any other relationship. Second, It will be very likely that an available Domme will be approached by many, and perhaps even be considering, multiple partners at any given time. The following will hopefully prepare you for your prospective Dominant partner's expectations.
*Before you even build a profile or message someone you need to know some things about yourself.
1. What is it that you want. You should have some idea on the type of play that would interest you, the type of dynamic (i.e. casual play, 24/7, public or private play, mono, poly or other type of relationship, etc.), and what are you looking for in a partner. Do you want a sadist, someone who will humiliate and degrade, or maybe a sensual/romantic dominant? Does your partner need to be experienced in D/s or be someone who can explore and grow in kink with you? These are all important questions. You will probably have others if you think about it.
2. Know what you have to offer your Domme. *hint-saying you really want or need to submit isn't good enough. It is a pet peeve of mine. You don't need anything, and it is not my responsibility to indulge you just because you made yourself available...A better apporach is considering if there is there anything special about you. (This is a trick question. Everyone has something special about them. It's just a matter of if they see it in themselves). I would be interested in unique experiences, shared interests, and your passions in and out of kink.
3. Know your limits. This is another one that needs some thought. There are many obvious and reasonable ones but think about things like if you want to put your face on camera. What will you do if your partner wants gifts or money? You are entitled to your limitations but it is easier to have that discussion early before they become objections.
*Put some work into your profile...AND READ HERS.
Do not over look this. This is your first chance to make a good impression. I read every single profile of those that message me and every Domme I know does the same. I am looking for several things.
1. That you are a real person and not a creep or a fraud.
2. That your interest in Femdom and submission is genuine.
3. That you have some level of understanding of BDSM, why you like it, and what value it has to you.
(It is ok to have no experience or to be exploring. You should still have some consideration for the above mentioned points)
4. Including something in a message that proves you read her profile and care about the contents is a good idea.
5. Including some insight into your character and personality in your profile is always a plus.
If you send me a message that interests me or at least doesn't offend me. I WILL read your profile. If it is blank or just says "I'm new and trying this out", you will not get a reply. An empty profile tells me you either do not care or you don't think it is important to share anything about yourself when meeting others. I can't speak for everyone in this but I can be reasonably certain that a complete and insightful profile will help you meet people.
*Recognize that not all Domme women are like the ones from Femdom porn.
Most of us are normal looking women. We don't all don leather and latex. We aren't all fueled buy lust for male subjugation, and if we were, we wouldn't be looking. ;)
In short, keep an open mind. You might be pleasantly surprised.
*My final bit of advice is the piece you will hear over and over. Get out in the community. Going to events, munches, sloshes, workshops, etc. is the best way to meet people but it's not the only way. Community also exists online in the form of chat, sites, forum, and personals. You can meet kink people online but only if you put yourself out there to be discovered. (Please explore carefully, particularly when sharing personal info, whether online or in person)
Of course, I cannot speak for everyone, and this is not the only path to meeting people in the community, nor is it all required. However, this is my best advice for people just getting started. My post does target sub males in particular but this is advice I would offer anyone feeling like they were struggling to meet someone.
We all love this life, don't we? We work so hard to find partners, develop dynamics that work...plan and play. Everything is all so fun!...until it isn't.
I consider myself blessed that I have have exposure to several different kink communities and organizations. However, I have noticed a certain unfortunant pheneominon. While rare, the potentially negative implications are motivation enough to share my experiences. In some cases my experience comes from others who have shared their them with me, in another, the experience is my own.
Some people have always know of their kink and grew into it throughout adulthood. Others discover it later in life, either accdentaly or through intentional exploration. There are many ways to live a life of kink. Some people keep it in the closet, expore it in the bedroom, or live it openly. In some cases people live double lives, but it is essential to live a life of balance, in whatever form that means to you. Kink is something that is very easy to get caught up in, particularly when you are brand new. It is exciting, exhilarating, and can be anything you want it to be. Sometimes this is impossible to resist and people may find themseves wanting it all. While common in people that are new to the community, it can happen to anyone. In some cases people will sacrifice vanilla relationships, work or other important aspects of life outside of kink. Kink can be consumining by nature and there can be consequences for losing perspective and the balance needed in life. Sex is, of course, one of those needs in life so I am not trying to minimize the importance of kink. What is essential is the recognition for the balance needed for everything else.
From time to time, there will situations that require more attention to other matters. For example, demands in work can change. Injury or illness can happen at any time. There can be demands with family or emotional matters than need attention such as stress, or the death of a loved one.
What some people try to do in such situations is force them selves to keep up in their kink lives. Maybe they don't want to ask for a break or to appear weak to their partner. Perhaps they feel that the kink distraction will help them. In some cases I find that people have experienced something that they have always wanted they have trouble letting it go not matter what the cost. The effect of such denial for balance can have a catistrophic effect on one's mental state. I have heard stories of total collapse where one partner abandoned another with no explaination, just walked away from the dynamic. I personally left the community due to this very thing for several years before returning a changed person.
This is not a phenomenon unique to kink. This is psychology and it can affect anyone. People that strive to maintain personas which are outside of their core identities are are particularly vulnerable as this creates an extreme stress on that person. The entertainment industry is one example where you see this effect in action (think Britney Spears in 2007). The implications for kink people is that they are at a much greater risk if they engage in activities outside of their true desires. Some examples of this are pretending to have kink interests when they don't or engaging in a vanilla life when they really need kink.
This can affect anyone regardless of role. Dominants need to be able to recognize the signs of this in their partners so they can be helpful and not harmful in their requitemnts of them. They also need to recognize it in themselves. Sudden withdrawal or abandonment of a submissive partner due to an interconflict in the Top can be really confusing and destructive to the submissive partner. I find that an s type is more vulnerable to this and more likely to experience negative feelings and doubts that can affect their self worth and confidence. They need to understand what is happening with their Top and if the D type doesn't then how can they share that with their partner. It is also important for s types to understand as well. Recognizing it in themselves or their partner can save a relationship. I emphasise the importance in the D type's self awareness of the Undertow as I find dominants by nature are better prepared to handle the emotional and psychological breakdown of a submissive partner than it is for them to experience it in themselves or for a submissive to experience it through their Top. However, this is a generalization.
So what do you do when the Undertow pulls you or your partner out to sea?
*Communitcate.
You have to talk to eachother about stress, the demands of life, and issues that have the potential to impact the dynamic.
*Be observant of needs.
Everyone has needs that require attention in the form of self care. You put yourself at risk if you neglect your own. Care for your partner by helping them identify when they are being neglectful of their own.
*Take time away from the dynamic when you need to.
This can be very hard to do, and it is why we are all vulnerable to such a phenomenon, but it is so important. It is sometimes hard for s types to understand that the D type needs a break. This can be hard for the Dominant as well but it is important to recognize that it isn't selfish or personal. It is essential for self care.
When all else fails and the dynamic comes crashing down for unexplained reasons, be understanding that this does happen, reflect on the signs that were missed and learn from the experience.
One final observation...have you ever noticed the most seasoned and experienced of the community always seem so put together? Calm, cool, collected, except where the dynamic might warrant otherwise, and then they are all over rising to the occasion. They can meet any challenge, handle any issue, or tame any brat ;)...They can do this because they have learned discipline and their own limitations. If you push them as their partner you will quickly be shut out.
I intend no insult, no "shame on you"s, no guilt trips. These are just comments and observaions, and I just hope that this might help someone recognize and navigate such issues.
*My "Fringe" series is dedicated to the less known, misunderstood, and often negatively perceived, forms of male submission. I am looking to inform and educate through my own experience, and to defend and support such styles of play. To understand my motivation, please read my prequel post.*
This post will likely conclude my Fringe series and thus will cover the most taboo of all; edge play, blood play and watersports. It is my experience that these cover the most missunderstood and most hard-limited activities in BDSM. I want to make it clear that I in now way encourage exploration in such activities. I merely mean to bring awareness to the community on the existence of such kinks so they may be better received by others.
Edge Play
Edge play is a loose term for any type of play that involves higher risk, extreme fear or any play outside of your typical safe, sane, consensual (SSC) play. Knife/gun play, mutilation/scarring/branding, CBT, breadth play, kidnapping, interrogation, or fear based role play are all examples of edge play. Even when there is no risk of physical harm in such scenes there is always a risk of psychological harm thus any edge play should be approached with extreme caution. Most people agree that such play is not ever safe not matter what measures are taken so instead of SSC, edge play protocols are defined by RACK (Risk Aware Consentual Kink). While such forms of play may seem foolish, those practicing such play approach it with extreme respect. In my experience, the higher risk for such activities requires an attentiveness and safety protocols that are often overlooked in "safer" play.
Blood Play
Blood play may involve any form of sharp object for piercing or cutting the skin. Knife play does not inherently mean blood play. Knives can be used as props for role play in fear scenes or a tool for sensory play and do not have to cut to be considered knife play. Blood play, however can obviously be done with a knife. Some in the community perfer the term "sharps". The reason for this is because the kink may not be for blood at all but more for the pain or act of piercing or cutting. It is also possible for sharps play, say with needles for example, to not draw blood. However, one must make the assumption that blood will be present. The immense risk for blood or sharps play needs to be respected. This is not just important for the bottom, the Top is also potentially exposing themselves to bloodborne dangers. As such, this is an activity typically best suited for body fluid bonded couples.
So what is the attraction to such activities?
In my opinion, it is the same motivators for more traditional activities in D/s; excitement, power exchange, vulnerability, trust, a commitment to the dynamic in either role... Most of us are aware of the "adrenaline junkie" personality type. It is very possible such people that find their way into the kink world may find a higher level of risk to be perfectly acceptable in play. My point is that such play is dynamic with a huge range of activities and risk ranging from moderate to very high. However, risk is determined by a multitude of factors, which isn't very different from other forms of kink.
My final taboo topic is the Big One, the one no one wants to discuss, but here I am, throwing it all out there...watersports.
This is actually hard for me to write on as it is a hard limit of my own, but given the spirit of "Fringe", it is an important topic for the discussion. This is another activity where I have noticed a double standard. I recall, once skimming through posts on another kink website, and seeing a still frame from a video of a woman kneeling in a bathtub and two men standing up. I didn't watch but the context was obvious. This particular video was quite popular yet I doubt a Domme woman and sub male would have gotten the same reaction. That is an assumption, but I believe, a valid one.
So why the attraction to something so taboo?
*Well, because it is taboo.
Many people are attracted to activities specifically because they are wild, extreme and otherwise unmentionable.
*A visceral motivation to mark property.
*The ultimate in humiliation.
*Intimacy.
Like many of the other "Fringe" topics, there is often a powerful bond that forms between people that share such intimate and personal experiences.
I will offer a final comment on watersports that is based on the experience of another who was willing to share their perspective with me. This is an activity that takes care and attention of the Top. With hydration and a disciplined diet, the acrid taste and smell is replaced by something much more pleasant. I found this interesting because in some ways it seems an act of discipline and caring that requires responsibility of the Top, which is not so different from other activities. This added a layer of complexity in my understanding of this specific kink that I wasn't expecting given that this activity seemed so grounded in humiliation and degredation.
*My "Fringe" series is dedicated to the less known, misunderstood, and often negatively perceived, forms of male submission. I am looking to inform and educate through my own experience, and to defend and support such styles of play. To understand my motivation, please read my prequel post.*
First and foremost, I want to clean up some often misused terminology. Crossdressing, sissification and feminization are not the same thing and they are altogether different from transgenderism. I am going to avoid the topics of crossdressing and transgenderism but it is important to distinguish them from sissification and feminization. The biggest difference is that crossdressers and trans people, though both very distinct from eachother, do what they do for self-enrichment, whatever that may be. For example, crossdressers are often motivated by a desire to feel sexy or are attracted to a particular look or feel of a garment. Sissification and feminization differ in that they are done to benefit another. Men with a kink for either are not necessarily gender fluid or trans. This false assumption is common and it does a disservice to all. In fact, the more masculine a sub male is, the more effective this can be at reinforcing the D/s dynamic.
-Sissification-
This is the act of a man dressing in women's clothing, usually undergarments, lingerie, or outfits that are very feminine. This is generally done at the request of the Domme. Making the man look attractive or feminine is non essential.
-Feminization-
This is the act of making a man appear more feminine. This may involve entire outfits, make up, hair, or even training in feminine posture and movement, such as walking in heels etc.
While sissification and feminization are quite different, many of the motivators behind the kinks are the same.
*Power Exchange
Much of male power is associated with how they look. Male clothing in particular is very distinct. Taking that from them is emasculating.
*Humiliation/Objectification
An obvious motivator for both parties. Sometimes there is an aspect of voyeurism with the addition of public play. For example, feminine clothing might be concealed under masculine clothing or maybe a fem male is made up so well he passes for a female adding to the humiliation.
*Respect/Homage to Women
Nothing is more effective at reminding a man of the daily tribulations of women like an afternoon cooking in heels.
*Servitude/Desire to Please.
Many men into either sissification or feminization do so at the request if their Dommes because they have a desire, or feel a responsibility, to please.
*Training
I generally don't like to use the word "training" because it is often self defined in kink thus I will explain what I mean in this context. With both sissification and feminization, you can easily begin with lower intensity play and build on it, taking it to whatever point both parties are comfortable. This makes it a very adaptable form or play and one that can be done anywhere with little preparation.
Here is one big difference between the two. Sissification can easily be done as an element to an online D/s dynamic. Feminization is often done in person, with the man being "dressed up" by the Domme.
Those of you that have been following my "Fringe" series know that I am writing on these topics to hopefully improve the perceptions of such kinks. Men into sissification or feminization are not gay, struggling with gender identity, or emasculate. On the contrary, it takes a strong male to be able to engage in such play and return to their authentic selves without a negative effect on their mental wellbeing. These forms of play support the D/s dynamic and can be just as healthy as any other form of play.
*I will add that, as always, I am speaking in generalizations. I am aware that such broad strokes can't possibly represent the feelings of all. There is no substitution for communication when it comes to kink.*
*My "Fringe" series is dedicated to to the less known, misunderstood, and often negatively perceived, forms of male submission. I am looking to inform and educate through my own experience, and to defend and support such styles of play. To understand my motivation, please read my prequel post.*
In my experience male cuckholds are the most openly shamed and bullied of the male sub types in the community. Here is my take on the misconceptions that lead to such behavior and maltreatment of cuckholds.
Misconceptions...
*Consenting to a relationship with a "cheating" partner is tantamount to consenting to emotional abuse.
*If a male consents to such "abuse" they must get off on it and would consent to it coming from anyone.
*Males that participate in such relationships must be weak or unable to maintain a relationship of their own.
All of these assumptions are irresponsible and absurd. No one has any business drawing such conclusions and projecting opinions or actions toward a cuckhold based on them. The following is my attempt to explain the kink and how it supports a healthy D/s dynamic.
To understand cuckholds, one must first understand some of the basic ideals of male submission in those that may be attracted to cuckholding. This list is a generalization and is by no means fully inclusive.
*female supremacy/superiority
*male inferiority/personal inferiority
*a desire to serve a female partner in the best possible way
*taking pleasure in the female's pleasure regardless of the source
*attraction to humiliation
*being able to tend to the non-sexual needs
The attraction to humiliation, a relatively common kink in D/s, is an obvious factor for most cuckholds so I won't delve into explaining that aspect. To this day, I have not met a cuckhold that says "Yes, it turns me on knowing my partner is with another man". What is a turn on for them is knowing their female partner is fully sexually satisfied, which the cuck has made possible by allowing it as part of the relationship dynamic. Another common theme is the feeling that the woman should be entitled to whatever she wants from the relationship and the cuck feels a responsibility and obligation to provide that. A cuck may feel sexually incompetent or inferior and happily withdraw from that aspect of responsibility in the relationship, finding more satisfaction in being able to tend to other needs, such as child rearing, bread winning, providing emotional support or tending to the home.
These are just a few examples of motivators for the cuck. The reality is this doesn't look that different from other forms of D/s and given the right conditions can be really healthy for all parties involved. I have mentioned double standards before and this is another example. Dom men often keep multiple partners. Poly couples do the same. There is practicality in this. One partner may not be able to meet all of anothers needs. Perhaps having multiple partners is the need itself. Cuckholding is no different.
From experience, I can share that cuckholds can be some of the most selfless, commited, and loyal partners a woman could ask for and deserve a place at the BDSM table free from shame and mockery.