Femdom Expression; Raw, Honest, Genuine

*My "Fringe" series is dedicated to to the less known, misunderstood, and often negatively perceived, forms of male submission. I am looking to inform and educate through my own experience, and to defend and support such styles of play. To understand my motivation, please read my prequel post.*

MEN MAKE THE BEST LITTLES!

Yes, it is true. I can share that confidently from personal experience.

Here is why I love male littles.

*They are so adorable I can't even stand it. 

*They love to be snuggled, cuddled and touched.

*They are perfectly happy just being in your presence and being close to you. 

*Somewhat dependant on regression age, they can be playful and fun or fully content with quiet and peaceful environments. 

*Fiercely loyal, sweet and kind

There is more that I can add here but in the interest if generalizing, I will leave it at that. 

One of the most egregious double standards in BDSM might be that women littles are cute and adorable yet male littles are mocked, harassed, chastised and shamed into silence for their fetish. Of course, very few of us will have zero experice with shaming but male littles seem to make particular targets for such activity, which is really unfortunate. Generally speaking, the personality types that are attracted to age play can be somewhat fragile souls that need love, attention, support and a caring environment. Judgement and negativity can be harmful to anyone but can also be particularly destructive to a little. 

I will also add that there are few support groups or safe places for male littles. I once met a male little who only played online due to a medical condition. He shared with me the experience of joining more than one online group only to be expelled due to an unspoken expectation that participants would be female. This is so wrong I can't even get my brain around it. Gender exclusive groups are already an issue for me but if you have to have a gender specific group, it is your responsibility to be crystal clear in your standards for this exact reason. Male littles deserve a place to be little, interact others and find the suport network they need without being poisoned by ignorance. 

AB/DLs

For those unfamiliar with the acronym, Adult Baby/Diaper Lover (the rest of this post will focus on this form of play. That is the extent of my warning should you need one).

I once had a DL explain to me that ABs and DLs should really be 2 different forms of play and not packaged together because they really are quite different. Here is my attempt at explaining. 

Adult Babies are age players but age regress to infancy. I leave it to each individual to negotiate their needs but you could guess what this generally includes.

Diaper Lovers are not necessarily age players. I have met DLs that are totally normal, kink-centric submissives. I'll also share that this is much more popular than you think. Popular enough for successful, discreet storefront business, which is a resent realization of my own. One may assume that a DL has a fetish for wetting/soiling, which is also inaccurate. Perhaps that may be the case for some but isn't necessarily inherant for a DL. Some may wear them 24/7 with others only indulging occasionally. One interesting thing I have learned about DLs is how diapers become fetishized. For example, many are attracted to them because of the psychological and physical comfort they offer. As someone with a background in psychology, I find this to be very similar to the attachment one might have to any other comfort object, such as a toy or blanket from childhood. Second, interestingly, a diaper fetish often requires very particular needs of the diaper its self. For many, it needs to have a particular feel and make a particular sound. This really is no different than any other clothing fetish. I have heard may people describe the need for a feel, smell or sound out of a particular garment,  leather or latex for example. All that said, the attraction to diapers is one of comfort and sensory attraction, and at the core, how different is that really from many other fetishes in BDSM. 

I don't pretend to be an expert on this material but my expereince has taught me that there is so much more to this than what people assume at face value. Do not judge if someone happens to be brave enough to share that they are a little, age playet or an AB/DL particularly if they are male.  

I have not posted in some time, so I apologize to my followers as I have made some promises on posting topics. I have just moved from the Pacific Northwest to upstate New York. Aside from the usual issues associated with a big move, there are so many other kink related topics to blog on; the separation from my sub partners and kink community, the conversion from in-person to LDR, adaptation to evolving dynamics and the like. Yet there is another pressing matter that weighs on my mind, one I wish I didn't need to discuss here, but sadly I think this needs to be shared and takes precedence over my other blog topics for now. 

About a year ago, I met a truly special person on Tumblr. He was a kinky sub male with a kinky sub male blog, thus we had a lot in common and a friendship blossomed. On his Tumblr blog, he often shares some of his own writings of fictional erotica. In my opinion, his writing is quality and quite a joy to read, but he is often victimised by shaming, cyber bullying, and people that just don't get kink. In an effort to encourage him in his writing and kink expression, I pressed him to join The Cage and blog here instead. I told him he would find a welcoming community, that his writing would be appreciated and embraced, and that he would not be judged, harassed or bullied for his kinks. I told him this was a safe place, no mater what the kink. He finally agreed, joined The Cage and started blogging...A few days ago I got a message from him saying that he was finding The Cage was not for him, and that he would likely be leaving. He said, without going into detail, that he had multiple unpleasant experiences with multiple parties in The Cage that made him feel uncomfortable. He said it was too cliquish and judgmental here and that he would likely stick to Tumblr for his writing. He was polite and a bit vauge in his explanation, knowing how much I like it here, but was also firm and resolute in his decision and experience. Needless to say, I was shocked he was having such a negative experience here. 

As a Top that was a former bottom, I am fully aware that s type experiences are quite different from D types'. However, I was not expecting such a negative review. For the past few days I have been sitting with the anger, sadness and guilt as I reflect on this. I am of course indirectly responsible for subjecting him such negativity as he likely wouldn't have come to this site without encouragement from me. I know The Cage staff works very hard to cultivate a positive environment for all. I know there are very good people here that won't tolerate such behavior from anyone. And I know that this was likely a rare interaction/s. However, it still happened here and a beautiful soul and voice will be leaving this community because of it. With all the efforts made to keep this community different from the other garbage out there, how is it still happening here???

I have come to the conclusion that this is probably not a community problem. It is a personal one. It is an affect of a closed mind and ignorance to the many beautiful kinks that fall outside of traditional dynamics. I cannot change people, to make them more accepting, but I can use my experience and platform to educate...

While there are so many topics to blog on, in the interest of this experience, I will be dedicating my following posts to fringe, and often misunderstood, kinks of male submission in the hopes that people may come to understand them, and how they support a Female Led Dynamic, which will hopefully lead to a least one change in perception.

I will close with one final thought. Male submissives are not weak. They are not cowards. They do not exist to be your personal physical and emotional punching bags. They are people that deserve respect and a voice in the community.

*As always I have negotiated the sharing of this information with the involved party. As negotiation stands, I have permission to share this post as it is but no additional info

I have some recent exposure to some beautiful people with  damaged souls, and it is just heartbreaking to me. Please read and consider with your own behavior.

*LIES

Lies are the easiest way to destroy someone. This can go either way in a D/s. Trust is essential and lies are the ultimate violation. While even the smallest lie may seem insignificant, it can change a person's perspective on vulnerability and trust. 

*BE DISMISIVE OR CRITICAL OF KINKS AND FETISHES

No one expects you to share or even understand other people's fetishes but that doesn't give you the right to be negative toward them. Kink shaming, even with in the community, is all too common, and it can be really damaging, especially if the person is already uncomfortable expressing their kink. Being open with kink is healthy and brave and should not ever be shamed. 

*INSENSITIVITY TO LIFESTYLE CHOICES

You have no right to judge another person's choices. I don't care if it is a relationship dynamic, a play style, kink, physical appearance or personal choice, it isn't for you to judge. Recently, I was intentionally guilty of this by mis-gendering a trans person. It was an honest mistake but it clearly had a negative impact on the person. 

This list is by no means fully inclusive. It is just a short list of my most recent observations. I welcome others to share additional thoughts on damaging behavior in the comments. 

I had the pleasure of attending a leather event this past weekend which left me with some lingering thoughts I want to share. 

This was my first leather event, which is a sector or the BDSM community in which I am not all that familiar. This experience was amazing in several ways. 

Going to an event like this was emersive and thus a crash course learning experience. Inherent in this is includes exposure to community perspectives and values that I would not necessarily know or understand. This exposure led me to some interesting observations. 

First, while fetishes may be very different, the relationships and relationship dynamics and issues remain the same. I attended several workshops as part of this event. All off which could be considered universal in D/s or M/s dynamics. Self-mastery, coping with pain, self-exploration with in your role, managing separation and long distance relationships are some examples. These are universal and important issues that transcend any specific style of play. 

Second, community challenges are very similar. Finding accepting venus for events, facing closure of play spaces and the collapse of organizations, reduced involvement and participation, power struggles, and petty drama are issues that affect everyone in the community.

Third, core values are very much the same. The closeness and "family like" community, the feeling of separation from "normal" society, resistance to community threats, and emphasis on inclusion are all examples of universal concerns regardless of your sector with in the BDSM community. 

All of this similarity has sparked some genuine questions for me. If all communities are so similar, why all the separation? If there is so much emphasis on community why are organizations not more inclusive? Despite the fact many claim to be accepting and inclusive, what makes people feel uncomfortable with attending events and functions that are outside of their specific dynamic? Perhaps these community problems suggest that we, as a whole, are really not as inclusive as we claim to be. Yes, men can be littles. Yes, women can be Masters. Yes, you can be a submissive and not be a submissive personality. Our community has a responsibility to recognize and accept that not everyone fits in the traditional definitions for D/s. In my opinion, sector organizations that cling to such tradition are, by default, exclusive. One of the speakers at this event brought up and interesting point, which was that complaints and resistance to community standards are an indicator that needs are not being met. Just as when a submissive person voices a genuine complaint, this should not be dismissed as being whiny, spoiled, dramatic or entitled, and may be a very real indication that something is missing from the dynamic. This may exist within the community as well. Complaints are too readily dismissed by those that assume they know the right way to do things. The BDSM community isn't truly transcendent and inclusive until all of us can emerge from the shadows and feel welcome, accepted and loved. My second realization was that this is best accomplished when people live as their authentic selves and be open as the exceptional people they are. The community cannot adapt to you or your needs unless you voice them. This requires that people get involved in their communities, forcing recognition and acceptance even when you may not feel welcome. Standing up for yourself and your needs paves the way for others to experience a welcoming community and feel empowered to do the same. 

* Though I feel I have expressed all of my own thoughts, many of these ideas were inspired by speakers at this event. In the interest of crediting contributors, these include Just Angel and Ramien Pierre,  Leather Reign 2017. 

Here is a little advice from me to you on how to not end up on a woman's ignore list. I feel that I speak for most women on these matters, however, if you are sub or switch male looking for a Domme partner I caution you to pay particular attention. Some of this may seem ridiculous, but trust me, it obviously needs to be said. 

#1. DON'T SEND DICK PICS.

This is probably the fastest way to being blocked. I know men are proud of their manhood, but women are generally not impressed. Most women have met enough dicks to know that even a nice one isn't worth it without other redeeming qualities. One of my favorite quotes: "A big dick is a bore if it is attached to a big dick"...All kidding aside, this is sexual harassment and is illegal just about everywhere. Don't do it unless she has requested it.

#2. DON'T ENGAGE IN MESSAGE ONSLAUGHT

Do not send message, after message, after message, when they are going unanswered. I offer two thoughts on this. First, there may be a good reason for the delay, like she took a phone call, forgot to log off, is writing a blog post, or even has a life to live. Second, it is just plain annoying, and difficult to communicate in such a way. Respect her time, and actions.

#3. DON'T MAKE RIDICULOUS AND DESPERATE PROFESSIONS IN YOUR FIRST MESSAGE. 

Examples "Mistress, command me", "I long to be your personal save", "I need to be owned" etc.

While I can't speak for all women, I highly doubt this works...ever. I actually care about chemistry, compatability, and like interests in and out of BDSM, and the fact that you don't is a monumental turn off. Another qualifier for this category...offering to relocate or move in with me immediately.

#4. DON'T USE FOUL, VULGAR OR OFFENSIVE LANGUAGE

Men are often surprised at what Domme women, or women in general, find offensive. We (as women) are fully aware of all the ways you want to use our bodies for your satisfaction. If you can't get your message across without perversive speech, don't bother to say it. Keep in mind, sex may not be her motivator. She may just want to talk, meet people, make friends, or other non sexual interactions. 

#5. DON'T BEG OR BARTER. 

This is in the context of initial consideration to be in a dynamic with her. Her word is law. If she doesn't want you, there is a good reason. 

#6. DON'T NEGLECT YOUR PROFILE OR HERS.

If I get a message that does not violate any of the above criteria, I will read every bit of someone else's profile. This is your opportunity to make a first impression. If you don't care about that, you can't expect me to be impressed. Additionally, I have chosen to include important information in my profile including what I am looking for, if I'm even looking, and what I don't want. Reading it before you message could save you a lot of time and may actually give us something to talk about. 

#7. DON'T USE PET NAMES.

It is never ok to call me, or any Domme, names like "Baby", "Gorgeous", "Honey/Hun", "Girl", "Sweety" or anything of the like. Some girls my like this, and that is ok. Talking to a Domme woman like that is a really bad idea. You risk coming off as exceedingly  condesending. 

#8. DON'T SEND ME MESSAGES WITH SHALLOW OFFERS TO TOP ME. 

If you are a Dom male, please respect my role. I have no interest in subbing for a Dom, and such a shallow advance is frankly offensive. 

*exceptions are genuine, non sexual, offers of friendship, collaboration, mentorship, or the like. 

Here are a couple of DOs (which my end up as a more detailed blog post)

Prove you are capable of intelligent and intellectual conversation.

As questions, or better yet ask permission to ask questions. 

Prove you are willing to observe and respect her limits. 

Forget everything you have learned from Femdom porn.

Remember that character and personality matter.

Before readily dismissing all this as pretentious, feminist bullshit please consider what I'm really asking. These are some standards for general respectable behavior. Just because you are on a kink site doesn't mean respectable conduct goes out the window. Keep in mind that women on kink sites, regardless of role, are probably approached daily, maybe even multiple times a day by men. Here are some statistics...In my experience, Dom men to sub females are about 2 to 1. Submissive men to Domme women are more like 10 to 1. If you dont believe me, take a look at the personals ads right here. If you are a male oriented sub looking for a Domme, you are in a very competitive position, and simply making yourself available may not be enough. I will also add that this advice is in no way where your responsibilities end as a prospective sub. This simply outlines likely expectations if you want a reply to your message or ongoing conversation with a Domme woman.  

*Beware - sensitive information follows...As always, I have fully negotiated sharing personal interactions with others, in this case, very personal interactions.*

So my mouse (Her_mouse) and I have been in a D/s relationship for about a year. We are very comfortable with eachother and enjoy a healthy dynamic. We enjoy the journey and evolving together. One of the things we enjoy most is exploring new things together. One of our most recent new, but common, interests has been urethral sounding. 

Now,  I am a careful person. I realized that there are some inherent risks in an activity such as this. I have done my research, started slow and careful, negotiated fiercely with my mouse, done my research, and I generally prepared myself for the activity, or so I thought... 

Our last session was not our first experience with sounding (it was more like our second) but my mouse enjoyed it the last time, and knowing that I exercised restraint, he requested more intense sounding play at our next opportunity. A request I was happy to grant.

When the time came my mouse found himself thoroughly restrained to a low table and blindfolded. I did what I always do to prepare for sounding. I got all my materials, sterile lube, gloves and such. I pull up a seat next to him and begin doing my thing. I start off with not my smallest sound, but one I felt was appropriate for building on the play from last time. Finding it was a perfect size for now, I inserted it till I felt the resistance I have come to expect from his body. Happy with myself, I pull my hand away to admire my work, keeping one hand on his cock. There was a healthy 2 inches or so of sound exposed. As I am watching him, either he shifted or I did, cause that sound suddenly dropped like a rock, disappearing completely from sight. 

(Now, in the interest of clarity I measured my sounds prior to writing this. They are over 8 inches long.) My initial reation in panic, as I see the sound dropping, is a death grip his cock in an attemt to prevent it from disappearing, unsuccessfully. Not knowing what else to do, I am just sitting there for a moment with a grip that could only mean something was terribly wrong. My mouse, blindfolded, tensed but says nothing. As I am sitting, there gripping him fiercely, I go into crisis management, apparently forgetting all of highschool biology class, with a swarm of thoughts in my mind...If I let go, will his body swallow this sound? Do I have him get up? Roll over? (recall that he is fully restrained and one of my hands is occupied.) If he moves will it hurt him? How do I free him safely if I need his help? Wondering if I should just sit there forever may have floated through my mind...After what felt like a lifetime, I decided I needed to stand up and look to see what I was dealing with. Thankfully, my mouse was in no discomfort, just quietly waiting for an explaination, eventually a timid peep comes from him inquiring if everything is ok. As I am carefully shifting around to better assess the situation, the movement causes the tiniest amount of the sound to become visible and luckily was all I needed. Practically shaking from the adrenaline, I remove the sound and tell him as calmly as I can that I thought I had lost the sound but everything was ok. I immediately abandoned all sounding activities, and don't even recall much of the rest of the session, though I know I moved on to activities more within my comfort zone. 

As we rolled into aftercare, I came clean on the experience. We had a good laugh and no harm was done. But indeed this experience was a learning moment for me.

I learned that you can always be more prepared than you currently are. And I learned that you can't always prepare for everything. Mistakes happen and you can't take yourself too seriously. Laugh it off, and let it grow you as a person. These things will happen; auto-correct will mess with your naughty talk, toys will fail you, and interruption will ruin your scene. You can take it in stride or let it fuck you up. At the very least, you will have a fun story to blog about...

*mouse has explicit instructions to not read this until he posts his own version of events in his own blog. I will not be proofing it, nor did I provide any guidance on what he should write other then to be honest. We have discussed this and feel the other perspective is important in this discussion. Enjoy.*

***I will start by saying that I will be as objective as possible with this post but I realize that others will have very different opinions on the matter. Everyone is welcome in the discussion via comments.***

I regularly find myself in contention with the standards set by the Pro-Femdom industry. One example is the title of "Mistress". There are very few traditional standards in the community that grate on me but this is one of them. Here is why I dislike that title. 

*It is cliche - It is overused and misused to the point that it loses its value.

*I don't like the association with the other definition of the word 

This is of couse, a very personal perspective and I do not mean to deligitimize those that choose to use it, which brings me to the real discussion. What is in a title? 

Many people don't realize how many there are for Domme women; Goddess, Princess, Queen, Miss, Lady, Madam/e, Domina, Empress or any other she choses to use. 

Does a title provide some insight into the style of Domme she is? 

Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't. For example, for a woman that uses the title of Goddess, does she expect ritualized worship, chanting, offerings, etc.? Not necessarily. In my experience, women choose their title for very personal reasons and it becomes a significant component of their persona or even their identity. In some cases it may be just a title. Personally, I am very attached to my title, so much so that I often do not even share it until someone has earned the right to use it. However, I do often have a prospective partner use more casual forms of addressing me in the mean time, such as Miss or Ma'am. This is just one example of how complex title etiquette can be. 

So how do you know what title to use, how to use it, or what value it has to your Domme? 

ASK HER!

Generally you are not wrong to revert to the default title of Mistress. We are all used to hearing it and the gesture is appreciated. She will correct you with what she wants. But in my opinion, the acknowledgment and understanding that there are so many titles for women, and demonstrating that you have the desire to use the one that matters most to Her, is pleasantly unexpected and appreciated. 

I have intentionally not discussed the details of titles for Dom men and those for other roles. It would be presumptuous to discuss aspects of dynamic in which I am unfamiliar. But I will say that I expect titles hold the same value for others as they do for Domme women.

Titles are an important aspect of the power dynamic. Appreciate them and make the effort to get it right. 

Rewind to about 10 months ago, I'm digging around on the internet for fun kink stuff and I find an ad for this new site called The Cage. Wondering if I should join/not join, and why I haven't heard of it, concerned about the legitimacy, etc. I finally say "What the hell" and just go for it. Still a little concerned about the people and authenticity, my first profile is vauge, mostly talking about my desire to be a part of a genuine kink community and to learn and make friends. Within a day or two, I get a message from someone introducing himself. He assured me that The Cage was a genuine and safe place for kink and that I was welcome to contact him if I needed anything or just wanted to chat. That one little message has led to an amazing friendship and paved the way for self development that I didn't expect to find. 

In light of my own experience and realizations, I want to share why mentors are so important. 

A good mentor will remind you when you are not crazy - There are always times of stress when dealing with people; emotions, confusion, misunderstanding. You can sulk and stew and cry and be angry, maybe with yourself, maybe with others, but it is invaluable to have someone say "I bet you are pissed. I would be too". The reminder that you are not being emotionally reactive or unreasonable in a situation where you can't talk to just anyone is priceless.

A good mentor will remind you when you ARE crazy - Yes, folks. It happens to all of us. Hopefully your mentor is more subtle than just telling you outright that you're nuts, generally in the form of asking tactful questions like "Why do you think you should do that?" or "That's good, but what do you think about trying it like this?" When you are learning, a second set of eyes is never a bad thing. 

Collaboration with someone that shares your enthusiasm might be the most fun I have ever had. When you have two intelligent people, always with ideas to offer, brainstorming a session with a brainstorming session always ends well, trust me. 

Finally, having a support network in a good mentor is a huge boost to confidence. You can bounce ideas off eachother, discuss thoughts, and you can approach a partner with more confidence and consideration. There is a good chance your mentor will share ideas and perspective that never crossed your mind and you will be a better person because off it. 

Though mentorship is often seen as more important in "D" types, in my opinion, "s" type mentorship is even more so. "s" types have their own challenges and deserve to have the experience to lean on just as anyone else. Many of these values are of universal benefit to all regardless of role.

All this said, does not discount the obvious advantage of being able to glean information based on someone else's experience. This doesn't have to be a person in a mentor role. We all make mistakes and those that have been active in the community the longest have that tacit knowledge that you just can't put a price on...until you make the mistake yourself...then that value is painfully apparent. This experience is all around us, in places you don't necessarily think about, and doesn't require mentorship. Discuss, collaborate and be open minded. 

A few days ago I received a message asking me about toys and what a new sub male might need. After some discussion, and permission from him to share, here are some thoughts on toys that could be of benefit to all, regardless of role. 

My first thought when asked what toys are needed...

Absolutely nothing. Toys are not a requirement and I personally have no expectation that a sub partner will have anything or need anything to be able to participate in play. It is easy to get carried away with purchases, toys are all so shiny and exciting...Who doesn't love new toys? But do not let them define you. You are not a better sub or better serve a Dom/me partner based on the size of your toy collection. Do not let your toys define you. 

So when should you buy a toy? How do you decide what to get?

These are very personal questions that I can't answer for you. Shop based on your interests and what speaks to your soul. When you are shopping and you reach out and touch something and you think "YES! I want that against my skin!", that is a good toy purchase. If you make a purchase for something that doesn't connect with you, a purchase you make because you think you need it but you are emotionally indifferent, that may become an item you do not use. 

All that said, here are some practical thoughts on toys. As an impact and sensory player, I have a significant toy collection. I make all my purchases with one of two thoughts in mind. I am either purchasing it with a specific person in mind or I am purchasing it with the intent of adding it to my bag likely becoming a multiple person item. In my opinion, the consideration of single versus multiple person use is most important. If you are shopping for you this is probably a non issue, but if your item may be used on others consider cleaning, material type or if that is even possible with that item. For example, my suede flogger is one of my favorites but almost impossible to sanitize, thus I am cautious with how I use it. It is a risk that I minimize where I can and the fact they my toys are multi-owner is part of my negotiation with new partners. My advice to people shopping for toys is to start with items that you would want to be one owner items. Some examples could be cock rings, chastity devices, anything insertable, sharps (though not exactly beginner level toys. Please seek training for blood or sharps play.) 

Also one final thought on toys. Consider that every dynamic is different and your partner may have specific interests in toys that could take you both in a different direction than what you have considered. You may spend a lot of money on a great collection of toys that don't interest your next partner. That is why you must purchase for you. If an evolving dynamic take you other exciting places, that is great, but very hard to prepare for. Remember that toys are just an aid to support the dynamic that is already there. They do not create the power exchange they just assist you and your partner in getting to the emotional, physical and psychological space that you both are looking for.  

When discussing the topics of fraud, scammers and con artists in the BDSM community the discussion of Financial Domination/Financial Servitude is important. There are specific identifiers the separate healthy versus unhealthy relationships.

A few weeks ago, I had the opportunity to meet a self identifying Financial Domme. She was happy to share her views and methods of financial domination. As part of her dynamic with her subs, she required two weekly "trubutes". One was a financial token or gift the other was something created, like a poem or art. 

Though I am not a financially oriented Domme, here are some of my thoughts on Financial Domination.

- In this example, the "tributes" are really effective in creating the power exchange and adding to the D/s dynamic. 

- Such small, regular gestures are probably not harmful and not much different from the act of taking some out to dinner or for some other activity. One difference being that in this instance, it is expected, but this is not uncommon in many aspects of D/s relationships. 

Another example of Financial Domination is Financial Servitude. While this can take many shapes, one example of this could be a live in, 24/7 relationship where a submissive partner offers all financial income to the household to be used as Domme sees appropriate. 

What makes these examples of Financial Domination okay in a D/s dynamic?

NEGOTIATE! NEGOTIATE! NEGOTIATE!

In these examples there are clearly defined expectations, ones a submissive is well aware of. They are being asked to participate in the relationship by making their own contributions. Presumably, this has all been discussed and is a partnership that works for all parties. This may seem like exploitation to some, but I have met men happy to live in financial servitude to a dominant partner, and this can be a healthy dynamic. 

When does Financial Domination cross the line? 

- The moment you feel uncomfortable with what is being asked of you. 

Here are some red flags that could indicate you are a target for financial gain and not a real partner. 

* No pre-established limits on financial contributions or limits that keep changing.  

*Quid pro quo. Example, "I will train you but I need $200 to buy equipment/toys for you."

*Someone that is overly interested in specific and personal details of your life. (There is no reason a brand new partner will need information like your place of employment or last name) This information could be used to harass you or for blackmail purposes. 

*making conditional promises, particularly ones that revolve around money or gift exchange. 

*Emotional manipulation such as using gulit or desire to motivate particular action. Example, "I would love to take you on as my sub but my toy bag was stolen and I lost everying." (It is important to note that this is a gray area. Maybe someone is being honest. Maybe teasing and the manipulation of desire is part of your dynamic. It is also why it is important in the discussion. This type of fraud is much harder to identify than more obvious tactics)

Bottom line...Trust your instincts. If it feels wrong in any way, it is not a healthy dynamic. It is within your rights to ask for clarification or demand renegotiation of responsibilities and expectations for both parties. You have a right to protect yourself and be in a relationship that is good for you.