I thought I would interrupt my regularly scheduled program and update a blog I did a few years ago about my journey. I haven’t read it since I left the cage the last time, and I’ve decided to keep my eyes away from it, so I wouldn’t be biased in what I write here.
First off, thank you for taking time time to read this. In spite of my past personality issues, which admittedly creates distrust and a very guarded attitude around me, I cannot be anyone other than who I am now, and that includes being transparent, authentic, genuine, honest, and sincere with anyone around me, but more importantly with myself.
I get it. I am not an easy person to be around, in fact, I am a lot. I am a lot to be around. I am intense and aggressive, I have a strong will, and generally stay on a path once I’ve decided on it (think of Newton’s laws of physics). I come across as cold and distant, unless you’re close to me, I sound harder than I intend to, and have a perpetual resting asshole face look…unless we are close. For those in my very inner circle, especially for the one I’m in a relationship with. I laugh, I relax, I’m very thoughtful and intentional. I care very, very deeply and give all of myself to her. To her, I am protective, passionate, and I cherish her more than anything I hold dear (and, yes, I am sappy…go figure.)
I was misdiagnosed with BPD. CPTSD can present in very similar ways than BPD. That doesn’t mean I have more or less faults, just correcting the record. I tend to hyper-focus on things. I do have a lot of rabbit trails I chase in my head, either that or the hamsters got some really good cocaine. 🤷🏻♂️
As far as a relationship goes, I don’t think I’m even close to being ready for that. I’m trying to transition to being a retail stock market trader and need to focus on my growth and new path, although I am open to getting to know people and making friends. If you read my blogs/stories, those are things in envision in a dynamic. I like protocols, rituals, rules, and structure. They all serve a purpose and should be built on trust, mutual respect, adoration, and good communication. What I crave is depth, to know someone and to be known so deeply…to reach into her soul and see her darkness, her fears, to see her shame, and to embrace them with her…and her, me.
Speaking of communication, I am a firm believer in active listening, and honesty. Enough rambling for now, thanks for coming to Bishop’s Corner (ha, the new Ted Talk).