I don't like getting stuck. Well, to be correct, I should say I don't like not being able to get unstuck. We all get stuck at one point or another in our lives, we reach a point where we don't know how, or have simply gotten trapped in a cycle and not able to move forward. What am I talking about? Well, my young flock, if you would indulge me, I will explain.
Thirty five years ago I had the distinct pleasure of being on the other side of the cell when the door was closed and locked for the first time. Thirty five years ago I made a decision to change my life, discover who I was, and how I was supposed to exist in this world. A lot of you weren't even born thirty five years ago, which makes me feel really damned old. To put the time I spent in "vacation," let me put it in perspective: Imagine starting your first day in the third grade...got it? Now, imagine yourself graduating high school...K? Think of all the things you did, all the life you lived, all the experiences you had...That's the amount of time I spent behind the razor wire, getting strip searched every time I had a visitor. Don't get me wrong, I'm not crying about it or trying to be some martyr or anything like that, there is a point to this. I had nine years locked up to think, reflect, and challenge my values and beliefs. I didn't have the distractions of the emerging cell phone, the explosion of the dot com era, or anything else that occurred in the "world." Nope, I watched the OJ Simpson verdict in a 5x9 room, cell doors locked, and saw the planes flying into the twin towers while I was working in the basement of the chow hall. The way I see it, that time afforded me the time and freedom from my parent's influence, to be able to discover myself...and it was painful.
I learned a tremendous amount during those nine years, and all the years since I was released in 2003...till now. So, getting "stuck" in this sense, means that you/I/we are stuck reliving or at least not moving forward from past traumas, hurts, or any wound that has gone unhealed. Thirty five years, and one might think I should have moved beyond the voices telling me I'm not enough, not good enough, too damaged, and even too far gone, emotionally. I don't know if we ever truly and completely heal from past wounds, and by past wounds I mean wounds caused anytime from when we were born until the moment you read this. One might think I should have my shit together, so to speak...I have had quite a long time to learn and grow and develop healthy coping skills, right?
Thing is, when we are faced with a crisis, or an unhealthy situation (job, death of someone close, an unhealthy relationship, moving...really anything traumatic or potentially stressful), we have a habit or tendency to revert to familiar behavior or beliefs. We replay that cycle over and over again because that's what we know, we know what to expect when we exist in that sphere...hence it is familiar. Well, I got stuck. Even after thirty five years of self-growth, I still find myself reverting back to unhealthy beliefs about myself. So, no matter how long I have been working on myself, I need to give grace and remember it's a journey.
I really am not sure which is more uncomfortable, admitting I got stuck, or talking about growing from it and acknowledging I'm not stuck anymore (at least for now). I think we all, to some degree, find great comfort in languishing in our wounds, rolling around in the mud, and holding on to the hurts and things that wound us. It can be easier at times, because we can use those things as armor, or defensive weapons. See, I think there is a part of us that feels if we allow ourselves to heal or grow, then we shouldn't ever return to those old haunts...I mean, we've healed, right? So, we seem to hold ourselves to a higher expectation that once we heal, it's a done deal. Rather than acknowledging this process is like a two-step dance (two steps forward, one step back), we view it as monopoly; once you pass go, you can collect your 200.00 and keep going forward...to go back is failure.
But, I think there is something more insidious lurking within us, something with a lot broader implications...it's not necessarily failure or rejection we fear, but acceptance. It's easy to make excuses for people rejecting us due to our imperfections, insecurities, our fuck ups, or anything else that keeps us in the mud. However, if I have issues accepting myself with all my flaws, and someone comes along and accepts me...what does that say about me or that person, in my eyes? I When I get stuck, I forget to relax, I forget to allow myself time to just be and calm my mind. I push in, get aggressive, and in doing so wind up sabotaging what I'm doing.
I'm sitting here processing my thoughts, and I'm questioning why I'm putting these things on the internet (are you bored or tired of me yet?). Seriously, I'm sure most of you have heard of all this stuff before. It's not something that is new to me, either. When I get "stuck," I hyperfocus on just doing the things I'm doing and try to resolve how to move forward. I know how I am, I just needed to be reminded that I'm only stuck because I chose to be. The child within needs to heal, and be reminded that he is ok, and it's time to move forward and get on with my life.
Disclaimer: When I say, "We," "us," or speak in the plural, I'm not attempting to lecture anyone, except maybe myself. Everything I talk about, I look within myself first. I'm actually a very private person, introverted, and reserved...sometimes the pressure needs released with all the thoughts running through my head. Thank you for tolerating my writings...just know I'm not done with my tormenting. Maybe I'll write on my thoughts concerning relationships and love (yuck, did I tell you I don't like that word?).