I have a working theory, something that's been coalescing in my mind for a long time...until you truly know yourself, you can never really give of yourself to another. How much of yourself can remain fragmented and still allow for a person to have a healthy relationship? Anyway, after John was released and I was transferred to another facility, I started noticing how people interacted with each other. Sure, I had been people watching and studying human behavior for years, but that was for my own personal gain...this was something entirely different. I started observing people for the purpose of just observing, and really understanding. I started seeing people differently, not as objects or things, but as people with thoughts, dreams, feelings, and desires. I remember making an acquaintance with a guy who had just arrived. He was sentenced to a couple of years and was complaining that he had to do a year before he could go home. At this time, I had been down for five years and had at least four more before I could leave...if I was good. Admittedly, when I was a few years in I had a similar thing happen, and I got really pissed of at the guy for complaining about how little time he had compared to me. But now it was different. I realized that maybe his one year to him was like nine years for me. I didn't know what he was able to do, or take, and I didn't feel I should compare his situation to myself or anyone else. I also had to accept that the place I had just come from housed a lot of lifers...seriously, at best I could do nine to the door (no parole or probation), and at worst I could do all fifteen years, and I knew guys who had been in at least twenty, so who the hell was I to complain or attack someone else for their personal struggles. On a side note, I met a guy in 2002 who had been down for fourty-six years flat...can you imagine all the changes the world had gone through from when he first was arrested? Kind of puts things in perspective.
To recap...I met a priest who taught me about logic, critical thinking, and the benefits of making informed decisions. Then I met John, who challenged me (without challenging me) to try and be the kind of person whom others wanted to be around and "be" better. This time, it was another John...lets call him John W. Not only did I meet John W, but I also met a guy named Tom, Oh, and I can't forget Josh.
I met John W a few days after I arrived at my new facility. We would meet at a gazebo most evenings after dinner and talk philosophy and religions, and it was John W who taught me how to search for evidence and debate. Generally my idea of a debate up to that point was listening to the other person with the intent to respond, something I was good at with all my relationships (no wonder they ended in fiery crashes), but John W taught me how to listen with the intent to understand. I had to learn to set aside my views on things, my opinions, and listen objectively to what the other person is saying. I learned the importance of having compassion and validating people. Now, I'm sure you're probably questioning how a sociopath can have compassion, validate others, or even empathize...I may struggle with "emotions," but I can have something called "cognitive empathy." In my mind, I think about the social constructs I had learned, the cultural expectations about appropriate behavior, and how I think I would like to be treated if I was in their shoes...and that's how I treat others. Sure, I can be an asshole...direct, abrupt, and crass, if I believe the situation is warranted. I have no problem telling someone the hard truths, but the big stick should only come after the kid gloves.
Tom...he was only around for a short while, but he really showed me what it meant to really listen with the intent to understand and not condemn. I would sit and talk with him about things I felt were so trivial and banal, yet he made them seem as though they were the most important things at that moment. I really started to know, for the first time, what it was like to be heard and understood...validated, and how important it is to do the same with other people.
Then there's Josh. I met Josh on 2000, at the same place I met John W and Tom. Josh was memorable because he had a habit of calling me out on my shit. He was smart, so damned smart...and he could really debate. Josh had an art of really putting my ego in check. I remember a debate he and I were having and he asked me to look at a piece of evidence, to see if it meant what he thought it meant. I had already looked it over and given the context was absolutely certain it did not mean what he said it did...and without even looking at it and giving him the courtesy of possibly being right, I told him he was wrong and it didn't mean what he thought it did. I will never forget his response as long as I live, he responded to my arrogance by saying, "You know, you want people to listen to you and be objective to what you say. But how can you ask anyone to do that if you can't meet people where they are and listen objectively to them?" I got so pissed of at him...not because of what he said or the way he said it, but because he was right. I explained that I'd like to take some time to process what he said and I would get back with him. A few days later (did I mention I'm stubborn?) I went to his room and apologized for my arrogance and asked if it was ok if I looked at the evidence he presented again and said I would make every effort to be objective. So, I spent probably a week looking at things and no matter how objective I was, I could not see how he could come to the conclusion he did.
When I went to his room and mentioned that I looked at the evidence again, he stopped me and stated that it could not mean what he had been taught it to mean. He didn't need a second opinion or anyone telling him what he already knew...he just needed to be heard, validated, and understood. That's when it really dawned on me, you can't change people by manipulation, argument, or any other type of force. All you can do is be open to listening and give options, and ask questions...and let them decide for themselves what is right.
There were many other people who influenced me in one way or another, even after I was released. But these individuals had the most impact on my life and I know I would not be who I am today if it were not for them. I owe them a debt of gratitude that I will never be able to repay, all I can do is live each day and try to honor them.