Being a little while attempting to adult is harder than it looks. You feel like you are supposed to be able to handle all the stress of adulting when underneath you are really freaking out. I struggle with this on a daily basis. My own family depends on my too keep everyone connected because I like making people happy. It can be very taxing and hard because that is an impossible task. Having other people put that expectaion on you without consent from you, kills.
I am expected to keep my 46 year old mother in line becaues she has bi-polar. I am supposed to play peacemaker between my sister and my Father. I am expected to keep things that my Dad tells me away from my step-mom. it is so frustrating. I am an honest person, I don't lie. I lay all that I am out for everyone to see, damn the consequences. I grew up fast because of my sister, I took care of the house and chores that Dad had left us. The real kicker here is that she is 3 years OLDER than I am. I grew up faster than she did because I had my horse killed when I was 12. I didn't really show emotion over it, I just made sure everyone around me was okay with what happened. It did eventually hit me and I was forced to push through my greiving faster than I should have. I was at a rodeo, signed up to run events. I started to break down when I was riding and went to pull the rest of the days events. I wasn't allowed to because my Dad had spent money on the events.
I mean I get his reasoning, but I learned to button up my feelings and never let them show after that. My Dad was disappointed that I wanted to pull from that day, or at least that is what it seemed. I hold myself together, to make sure everyone else is okay. I rarely let myself break down. yes, I know it is not healthy. Having a Daddy to make sure I don't overstress myself, or helps me release my feelings is so much better than keeping it in. My hubby trys his best but is more of a little than a Daddy. That is OK.
Having Daddy there to guide me, hold me, make sure I don't loose my mind is what I want. I want a stable deep mental connection before adding anything naughty to the relationship. Yes, I know that it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to say I am looking for a Daddy, but not wanting naughties. I love having the connection first. I need to be able to know I can trust and rely on my Daddy to be there even when I mess up and hurt him when I don't mean to. I have a tendancy to speak before thinking especially when I am tired and cranky, I tend to say things that I don't really mean.
I have had my fair share of "Daddies" say that they will never drop me or leave. That being said, no I don't mean that they were my Daddies, they just called themselves that. They say all the right words, and get me to send naughties then they disappear. That is what hurts me the most. People not keeping promises. It feels like a knife to the chest. I tend to trust too soon and i end up getting hurt and ran over. I beat myself up everytime it happens because I should learn from past mistakes. I give the benefit of the doubt to all I talk to, that is where I tend to make the most mistakes.
I like getting to know new people, I like to make new friends. Is that a bad thing? When all the friends I talk to seem to want only one thing. It's so exhausting making new friends who are in the lifestyle, makes me want to throw in the towel and give up at times.To not talk to anyone and go silent. I can't do that because then get sad and lonely. That is never a good thing because then bad thoughts happen. I love having people to talk to, but when all they talk about is naughty stuffs then I dont want to.
Sorry I have been gone for a few days, holidays are freaking crazy! I will have another short story here soo for all of you to enjoy!!!!