My Very Own Jeremiad

Today I had a conversation with someone that made me go wtf!   This person told me that they had started a new fitness activity called “rucking” and is great to do while social distancing. Now I am a retired rugger (rugby) so the term ruck/rucking has a very distinct meaning for me. So I asked “how do you ruck while social distancing? “ They responded with “just like you do while hiking or going for a walk.”  I blurt out “That’s a lot of head, hands, and body parts touching me in places I don’t want right now, let alone while trying to walk!”  That’s when we realized we were talking two different things.  Their definition of rucking is going for a hike/walk with a weighted backpack.   Where as my definition: is run into the melee and get my head/shoulder against someone’s ass and drive/push forward over the ball.  https://atroxrugby.com/what-is-a-ruck-in-rugby/  Yet another communication fail!

A storm is coming,, feeling the beginnings of starting to spiral out of control.  Trying to control/manage everything means I’m actually doing the opposite.  I see it and logically recognize it, but my first reaction is to chase a number. Grab onto and manipulate, change, manage the first and easiest thing I can, like a security blanket its what I always grab onto. 
 
I had hoped by this stage in my life there would be another coping mechanism.  Lets be honest I had hoped there would be someone else, I could briefly pass control over to so I could just float for a bit and get a little closer to shore before attempting to stand.  Yes, I am enough to weather the storm on my own.  I am slightly afraid of what I will become once I get to the other side, but I am more than capable on my own to get through it all.
 
Due to circumstances I had to walk away for a bit.  I didn’t realize how empty/alone it would make me feel.  Thought I could do without any of it.  Hating to admit it, but I guess it truly is apart of me after all that it isn’t just a phase.  Now need to explore and try to find something tangibly real before I truly get lost on my number quest. 

Yet again my world is crashing down around me.  I’m tired of having to say good-bye to people way too soon.  Yes, its life, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck for those of us left behind.  The hurt, sadness, is all consuming and if I end up falling down, I’m not sure its worth getting back up, but there is no other choice.  Up I go every time only to be knocked back down.  One step forward and three steps back. I’m definitely not going in the direction I’d like to be headed.  Maybe I should just turn around. 
 
Today, will be one of many for me to mourn and grieve. Tomorrow I will be back pounding the pavement.  One of many fears is latching onto a number, chasing it down to move through the pain.  This simply sucks, I have no words, no more tears just a deep feeling of despair.  I thought I couldn’t feel more loss, angry, sad, scared than I have been over the last few weeks and months.  Joke’s on me apparently. 

As I float back and forth, being involved/not being involved, I’ve realized that I’ve taken some things and more importantly people for granted.  I miss running into my friends and stupidly, selfishly assumed they would always be there.  Now, when I am able to be a friend, they are gone!  Some profiles no longer exist, some are quiet, some are just ghosts (there but only click the like button), so I wander around a bit lost. 
 
Yes, I did it to myself, I own that, but it still hurts. It hurts deeper because of the guilt that it’s my fault.  I did it.  My intention wasn’t to disappear, but to get my self back on track.  Finding some kind of path to follow, that makes sense to me and in the process of doing so I’ve lost what’s important, a connection to others.   
 
I am still a mess, my headspace is wrong, and life keeps throwing some nasty curve balls! Hopefully I will only have one more week of work hell, so then I can focus on my personal life and what I want out of it.  I do know that I miss my people, my tribe so to speak.  In the meantime I need to do better, to make an actual effort. 
 
I apologize to those that I’ve floated away from, it wasn’t done out of malice, but I know it still doesn’t make it right, not does it make it feel any better to either party.

I’m still not ready to come out of my self induced exile, but maybe its groundhog day and I just need to feel the sun on my face for a moment, but regardless I will run back in where its safe.  There has been a ton on my mind, but I just haven’t felt like putting it out here into the ether.  I am still exploring, trying to find my place, hopefully figuring out who I am, if only a little bit along the way.
 
Still surprised by those who seem to have figured it out, have found their way, and especially awed by those who have found their person and/or people.  I thought by now I’d have a path, definitely not a clear one, but at least some dots scattered about on trees or rocks, so I have some guidance when feeling lost.  No, I’m not lost.  I always know where I am.  I may not know where I’m headed, I’m headed somewhere (destination unknown), but I hate feeling lost. 
 
That overwhelming feeling that tends to feel like an ice ray, freezing me in place. Unsure of what to do next, where to start, and just wanting it to begin and end at the same time, to do something.  It’s so tempting to make a decision, any decision just to have some movement. There is a fine line of not making a decision (which is a decision in itself) and weighing everything out prolonging the process.  Then there is always the option to simply make a decision without thought, trust one’s gut and go forth and conquer. 
 
At the current moment in time, I’m doing all of the above at the same time, so I’m starting to spiral a bit. Therefore I retreat to the safety of my burrow.  Succumbing to the rabbit hole is not an option.  As usual Alice can have the damn place, I want no part of that!  So here I am, fortified, and backing up, back into my world.   

On my walk today (walk because its too hot for me to run at noon) the song below came on.  Actually quite a few P!nk songs were on the playlist today, but this one really resonated with me.  Definitely made me wonder/ think that's for sure.  At least I'm slowly feeling more like myself in this body of mine, but how does one really overcome hating their body since they were 13?  

I know the exact day and time that I realized that I'm on borrowed time in this shell...snowmen with protective rubber skin (They Might be Giants should be credited for part of that).  Somehow I twisted it and only saw the loss and hinderances and never saw the awesomeness of what it could and does endure.  How strong and ,in its own twisted way, resilient it can be is still sometimes forgotten.  Every day I try to remember to give gratitude and be gracious towards it...it did bring life into this world after all.  

Yet, I am cautious to be too hopeful...afraid to be happy to some degree...because there is always the other side lurking behind the shadows of thought.  Rose colored glasses I do not wear, but that doesn't mean I can't be "happy" that I can't feel, which is all very much my headspace right now.  Do I purposely sabotage things; physical and emotional?  Things to ponder....  Logic vs. Emotion who will win?

So yes this song has sparked the beginning of a heady marathon for me.  At least I've gotten off the start line though...see I can be quasi positive :-)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KJ_Fg6z2HSI

On my walk today (walk because its too hot for me to run at noon) the song below came on.  Actually quite a few P!nk songs were on the playlist today, but this one really resonated with me.  Definitely made me wonder/ think that's for sure.  At least I'm slowly feeling more like myself in this body of mine, but how does one really overcome hating their body since they were 13?  

I know the exact day and time that I realized that I'm on borrowed time in this shell...snowmen with protective rubber skin (They Might be Giants should be credited for part of that).  Somehow I twisted it and only saw the loss and hinderances and never saw the awesomeness of what it could and does endure.  How strong and ,in its own twisted way, resilient it can be is still sometimes forgotten.  Every day I try to remember to give gratitude and be gracious towards it...it did bring life into this world after all.  

Yet, I am cautious to be too hopeful...afraid to be happy to some degree...because there is always the other side lurking behind the shadows of thought.  Rose colored glasses I do not wear, but that doesn't mean I can't be "happy" that I can't feel, which is all very much my headspace right now.  Do I purposely sabotage things; physical and emotional?  Things to ponder....  Logic vs. Emotion who will win?

So yes this song has sparked the beginning of a heady marathon for me.  At least I've gotten off the start line though...see I can be quasi positive :-)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KJ_Fg6z2HSI

I am listening to my gut/intuition/6thsense more.  During this process I’ve stepped back when something/someone doesn’t feel right, even if I can’t identify what it is exactly.  I usually try again if it’s just something that makes me go hmmm. After the 2ndor 3rdtime and I’m still thinking this isn’t right for me and I say something. Let’s be honest ghosting sucks, but I am beginning to see why people ghost.
 
It’s upsetting that someone who doesn’t know me wants to tell me what/who I am.  Maybe I’m too nice, damn Midwest upbringing…but I’m not going to be rude, unless I am provoked to be. I don’t understand why it’s so hard for someone to trust me to know me.  I am more than capable of making my own decisions and determining what is right for me.  It would definitely be easier to just disappear and not have the conversation, but I can’t do that because it’s the cowards way out.
 
This also applies to those who have ghosted me.  You don’t get to come back…you left abruptly…sometimes hurtfully…screw you motherf&$*er…peace out.  I may or may not respond but I don’t have to respond.  It goes back to the fact that I know me best and I’m not going to take any crap.  Say that I’m not a sub/bottom…whatever…I am an independent sub/bottom/ maybe switch. I’m me and will not make apologies for who I am or what I want. 

I'm not some damsel in distress or to quote Ani DiFranco a kitten stuck up in a tree somewhere.  Even if I were, don't you think every kitten figures out how to get to down whether or not you ever show up. Yes, I'm stepping off my angry girl soap box, but ARGHHH!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3BWQ3KHk_QE

This...this is what I want to learn to do.  Maybe some day even be the one being tied.  I just am awed by the artistry and since I've a couple of bad head space days I'm spending my time finding things I can get lost in. I so wish I knew who the rigger/artist was to give proper credit because I find it amazing.  Yes Garth Knight did some of these as are stated on the photos but the others are unknown to me.  Regardless just wanted to share the beauty I found.

Over the past 5 months or so I’ve really been self-absorbed focusing on myself and trying to get into a good space/place, without any outside noise.  August/September of 2018 I stopped all social media because it left me in bad way.   In December I started doing aroma touch therapy.  Which I know probably sounds crazy, but I like it better than a massage. 
 
There is no pain, no knots being kneaded, simply having essential oils rubbed into my back and feet for an hour.  I usually fall asleep its that relaxing for me and I leave feeling more centered, more focused, and the chaos in my head is basically gone.  My point to all of this is: no matter how new agey, strange, odd…something seems people should try it.
 
I get that going out to a munch or attending something in the community can be over whelming and even scary, but I feel people should just go.   I also started venturing out back in December and have met some great people.  Unfortunately, life gets in the way and I can’t attend as often as I’d like, but every time I do return I’m always greeted like a long lost friend. 
 
So in Short…be Nike and Just Do It