My Very Own Jeremiad

Where have I been? That is the question I seem to be asked quite often lately.  To be honest I haven’t gone anywhere, I just stepped back and am remaining a bit at a distance.  I wouldn’t say that I was angry or disappointed, just noticed that I was getting a bit more disenchanted with myself, and no good can come from that. So, I removed myself from the situation to work on me, which seems to be my perpetual to do list item. 
 
So, now I continue to slowly emerge from my cocoon.  Maybe one day I will be a butterfly.  For now I’m happy just to continue on my journey with no end in mind/sight. 

Slowly emerging out of my cocoon.  Anger, fear, disappointment have been my best friends over the past few months and have been fully embraced.  With my luck the light at the end of the tunnel is just a swarm of fireflies in a cavity of mirrors.  This is where I've been and where I still am.

Terrible Lie -Nine Inch Nails I guess says it all

So trust your instincts, your gut, I keep saying to others and myself, and is applicable to everything in life.  Overall, I do an okay job at this, not great and today was really a not great day and its only 9 AM!  Go for run, get your ass in a shape other than largely round goes through my head, which is par for the course.  Yes, I've been running, actually had a great run on Thursday morning, so this isn't me jumping from the couch to the road/trail.  After procastinating for a bit and someone in Chat telling me to just go for run, I do. 

Yes, I did plan ahead, I did look at the weather, sunny and 19 degrees F (-7.22 C) so I dressed for the weather.  Put shea butter on my exposed skin (calves and face) and out the door I go.  I get to the 1st mile and I think should I stop my foot/ankle/achilles feels strange...no I will simply embrace the suck.  I get to 2.5 miles and can no longer embrace/cope with the suck, but I don't want to walk because its cold. So instead I decided to walk a telephone pole, run 2 telephone poles, walk 1 etc...the remaining mile home.  

All I can say is OMG my achilles is angry and now I am sitting with my foot in a bucket of ice water, which is stupidly cold.  Captain Obvious I am yes!  Note to self...do not embrace the suck and trust my gut and stay in bed!

update: Its official it’s achilles tendinitis squeak and all!  Tomorrow will be a walking, icing type of day.  Disney is going to be a blast this week....yep sarcasm!

Feminism, Yes I said it and Yes, I am bringing up this topic again, because it seems to be coming up quite often in my life lately.  For me it means that my views/opinions have the same weight as my counterparts.   It also means having choices, choices to make decisions, to vote, to have a bank account, to drive… and with those choices it also means being respectful of other people’s choices/decisions. 
 
However, the option needs to be there.  If someone chooses not to drive that is different than someone not having the legal option to.  If someone decides to do something counter to what I would do, that doesn’t make them an enemy to my feminism.  It means they made the correct choice for themselves and should be viewed as such. If someone decides to live the Gorean lifestyle, it doesn’t mean they are less of a feminist.  I personally believe there are feminists that live in many lifestyles including Gorean, because it is their choice. 
 
Bottom line for me, all options need to be on the table so people can make informed decisions that best fit them and their needs.  I will forever fight for that because I truly believe people need to choose for themselves what will and will not work for them.  

I’ve purposely stepped back and have been reassessing things, myself the government, in general the world as I see it.   I’m tired of being frustrated and disappointed. 
 
Do I jump on my soapbox and express how pissed off I am about the government?  Oh yeah I already did that on my personal blog!  Do I simply express how I get disappointed that every time it feels like I’ve made an online connection, it seems I get ghosted? I've started to become that person that logs into chat and lurks to see if anything good is said without adding to the conversation.  I hate to admit, but I’ve even logged in to see who was in chat and if there wasn’t someone I wanted to speak to I simply exited.
 
I don’t want to be that person, frustrated and waiting with baited breath for the next email, next bond, next pm.  So, I stepped back.  There are people that I am genuinely happy for, that are in a great place, and on an amazing journey.  I am envious and am truly excited for them. 
 
Negative Nelly I am not, but what they are experiencing isn’t yet for me to experience and that’s okay. Everyone has their own journey, their own path to traverse.  I just need to find mine.  Therefore, I will continue to be on the fringe while hunting for me and mine.    

Someone made a comment about me.  I know let it go…get over it…but it has struck a nerve with me.  If it had been about my character, I probably would have addressed it, but it was regarding my physical appearance.  I’m 5’1”, short and stocky (no I don’t mean that negatively), I played rugby for f sake! I totally get that I’m not the stereo typical cute thing from next door. 
 
Yeah…yeah..yeah…I talked to someone that pulled off the edge of the crazy town rabbit hole that I more than wanted to fall down.  Yes, I am more than aware that nothing good can come from that.  The hardest thing is that I agree with the statement and no matter what I do, there will be a part of me that will always agree with that statement. 
 
So, yep, yet again I am fighting with myself, knowing one thing believing another, it’s the worst headspace to be in.  My own personal hellish entertaining as F fight club!  If only there was a Brad Pitt or Edward Norton for at least eye candy!  I know what I need to do, beyond being kind to myself. It’s just interesting how one comment can still send me into a tailspin.  If anything, no matter how hurt I am by the statement, it made me realize how much more work I have to do.
 
In the meantime, I am simply going to grow a pair, get thicker skin, add another layer to the fortress, and carry on. I will also stay far far far away from any white rabbits, I will let Alice chase those!

As I prepare myself to go to a city that sucks my soul, I've realized I haven't done a good job the past few months with my self care.  Watching friends and family spiral out of control disappearing down the rabbit hole, has allowed me just enough where with all to cling to the edge and not let go.  I know what awaits me at the bottom is not a mad hatter & hare happy unbirthday tea party.  

Knowing this is half the battle. Now, I just need to muscle up over the edge scoot farther back onto safe ground and recharge.  Slowly reclaiming what I obliviously let go of.  I just need to get through the upcoming amazing great hellish rollercoaster ride and then into the woods I will go.

Yes, I usually escape into the city that is home for me, but I need more than that at this time.  I need to bring it all back to where it is that I am best.  The mountains and trails in winter are beautiful and there is no better place for me to refuel. 

My  mind in blown…absolutely blown away!  For once I am giddy, excited and hyped, almost too keyed up and I’m never this way, so it scares me a bit.  Stubborn as I am, it only took 6 months to finally listen to all of the advice and get off my ass and go out into the real world and explore my local community.   However, I will rewind and hopefully along the way it will explain how I got here.
 
I’ve had a rough personal month and this past week was full of trials. This last week it was saying goodbye to the beloved Moose (my son’s best friend) a great dane, credit card fraud, holding ex’s hand through some major medical processes/minor surgery, having my son all week unexpectedly so am behind on the holiday shopping/wrapping/cleaning…
 
Yesterday, morning I log into Fet to see about a rope event that I want to attend; only to discover my sponsor could no longer attend and has asked a friend to sponsor me instead. Which of course was nerve wrecking….there is a ton of trust there now between sponsors and I need to really watch myself and keep my sarcastic mouth in check.  After getting on chat and realizing it’s a big deal but not huge, that I just need to pull on my panties, grow a pair, and attend. I continue on my day.
 
Which of course leads me to the one place in the United States that feels like home, Boston. Drove up the 1.5 hours, parked, and took the T in.  Yes, I had a hair appointment, so there was a reason, but I realized that I need to soothe my soul more often and go up much more regularly.  That in itself is a blog for another time…note to self JI missed my stop, but it was as if the universe was looking out for me and I truly enjoyed my walk through the commons to get to Newbery St.  God, I love that city.  Great day, minus the getting lost around Providence, stupid RI and their construction, only took 2.5 hours to get home.
 
Which of course means I am now rushing around.  What to wear, what not to wear, I missed the forums that I was hoping to attend….Do I have my rope, where the hell are my shears???  You know the craziness.
 
I finally roll up to the place.  Walk in meet, my sponsor for the night, get the tour and walk back to one of  the lounges to wait and socialize.  I am pleasantly surprised my original sponsor is there along with one other person I met at a munch previously in the month. We talk, they introduce me around and I feel much more at ease…now class begins!
 
It wasn’t a true class, it was what they called a rope free for all, non-scenes encourage everyone to ask questions, try ties, ask for help….It was one of the most amazing things I’ve ever done.  I practiced/learned ties on others, myself, and got tied up as well.  Loved all of it!  4 hours went by too quickly.  Not only did a learn rope, but I met some great people too, which is bonus!
 
I’m home and am still practicing ties.  I’m feeling better about living in this god awful state (Connecticut) because I may have met my people, I may have found my bacon!  I am no closer in figuring out what I am, top, bottom, sub, switch….I do know I like rope.  For now that will be enough. 
 
For everyone else that is too shy, too reserved, too uncomfortable….just get your ass out there! You may be pleasantly surprised!

Maybe it’s the fact that I woke up to a crazy windiness and now can’t go back to sleep.  Yes, the one thing I’m deadly afraid of is wind, so I’m up listening to it howl outside debating if I should drive my car down to the garage.  Trying to think of which direction the majority of the trees will fall…really need to distract myself so how do I feel?  Really honestly full heartedly feel? 
 
I’m feeling unanchored, untethered like I could easily be swept away.  Tossed about in a tornado and I all I can think is please don’t let me wake up in Oz!  The yellow brick road is not for me…need/want a path less traveled.  Struggling to accept the sentimental, weepy, sad, lost, lonely feelings that have over taken me lately, means I just need to harden my shell, my armor.  Intrinsically I’ve got this, I know I’m strong enough, I can power through, but at this exact moment I don’t want to.  I just want to give in and cry for a bit and say I can’t and yet I won’t. 
 
Everything is fine, always fine, and in the light of day the chaos will distract me and everything will honestly be okay.  So, I’m off to distract myself more…listening to the wind blow…trying not to break.

Last week or so, sorry days have blurred together on me, I was rudely awoken by a loud crashing noise.  When my kid isn't with me I tend to sleep like the dead, so the fact that I woke up is a feat in itself.  I proceed to leap out of bed, grab the baseball bat from the corner and proceed to go through the house.  

First stop, kids room, which I conclude does not have an intruder and grab the hockey stick.  So down the hobbit stairs I go armed with bat and stick and proceed to go through the first floor of the house.  Its an old house, its not big, so this does not take long.  I then go outside of the house and walk the perimeter, leaving the bat outside by the back door, because the hockey stick is longer and I can probably do more damage from farther away if needed.  My theory is if I drop the stick or incounter someone I can always run back to the door and get the bat!  I did just wake up...give me a break.

The neighbors dog was very excited to notify everyone that something was going on outside and its owners came out.  They asked if everything was alright.  I nonchalanty say everythign is fine, and they look at me a bit odd.  I explain that I heard a noise and thought I would check it out.  They simply shake their heads and go back inside their house.  

I come back inside and think that was weird...only to notice that is around 6 am and light enough out that everyone can see me.  I also have the realization that I'm in my.... wait for it...blue fleece polar bear pjs.  So...I'm now the crazy person that runs around the yard in barefoot in pjs with a hockey stick in December!

Lesson learned: check the shoe closet first...it was just a dozen or so shoe boxes that came toppling down!