Evening Primrose

Or: missing the scene, where I've been, and how I feel.

*This is copied from my profile on a different site, though I tend to get the best advice from those who read blogs here so I thought I would repost it*

It's been some time since I have been active on here.

Long story (not sooo) short: I was in a relationship, there did happen to have a kink side to it, and it was wonderful. It changed my life, heart, and also showed me some beautiful things about how BDSM dynamics can so strengthen a relationship.

Now I am home in the US. I graduated. I have a career in social work.

I miss kink, especially rope, so badly.

But I'm also nervous to explore this side of me at home. I know I have options, in the bigger city or another munch outside of my immediate community.

But I feel tender.

Not in a good way.

I've come to realize how deeply rooted, spiritual, even, BDSM is for me. Putting myself out there again feels terrifying. Nearly as terrifying as dating after a failed relationship.

But I need rope as much as I need to have coffee every morning (a non-negotiable necessity!)

I tried self-tying... But the sub-high and drop is so intense for me that I worry about my mental health. That is to say: I have attempted to, but the couple of times I have the aftermath has either been A) so emotional it almost negated the positive B) possibly dangerous.... Once I tied too tightly though I thought I wasn't (I prefer to feel like a cozy lil baby bird in a very constrictive nest lol) and had some pain after, for instance.

Anyway.

A long-winded cry for advice and opinion.

Xx Ivy

It has been awhile.

Point one: my BDSM adventures didn't stop 

Point two: I was briefly in a relationship that had a BDSM side and it was a beautiful thing inside and out of it.

Point three: I miss BDSM so much. But as a recent grad and a new career in social work.... I find it hard to have the courage to go to a munch in my home community. 

Point three: I miss being tied 

Point four:

I am hurting. I miss my lifestyle. I miss my partner. I've missed you all, but have been so reluctant to come back because of my shame over many things. Some related to the above. Some not. 

I want to be back. I want to be me.

Ivy

It has been awhile.

Point one: my BDSM adventures didn't stop 

Point two: I was briefly in a relationship that had a BDSM side and it was a beautiful thing inside and out of it.

Point three: I miss BDSM so much. But as a recent grad and a new career in social work.... I find it hard to have the courage to go to a munch in my home community. 

Point three: I miss being tied 

Point four:

I am hurting. I miss my lifestyle. I miss my partner. I've missed you all, but have been so reluctant to come back because of my shame over many things. Some related to the above. Some not. 

I want to be back. I want to be me.

Ivy

~as you can tell, I'm highly motivated today~

The Event: first time at a dungeon/fetish club. 

S&M - One of my questions I've been asking since I started going to munches is "How Do I Know If I Haven't Tried It For Real?" My own answer, being aware of my sub-frenzy, was to slow down. So I thought "maybe if I watch a scene first?" Thankfully, a friend was quick to recommend a local fetish event that many people I'd met at the munches attended. And there I got to see a bit of my dreams realized.

Reflection:

Friends, oh boy..... It was almost too much. I've never felt so high. It was incredible, and I was totally unprepared. And embarrassed. No one had touched me. In fact, despite being half-naked or wrapped in latex and leather people were more welcoming and respectful than any pub I've ever been in. But here I was losing my mind over the sound of a flogger or salivating as I watched my friends paddle, zap, and poke each other. Was it some sort of sub-space by proxy? Is that even possible? All I know is that I crashed as hard as I had drifted. Thankfully there were not only people I knew there who kept an eye out for me, but also a professional and approachable DM who checked in on me and spoke with me throughout my time floating between corners. I crashed hard and as I felt my anxiety/lonliness grow I knew I had to leave before I made a bad decision. Which was a good thing, I believe. Even if I had taken a leap and played with someone (plenty of people wanted to, in general), I wouldn't have been in the right frame of mind to accurately monitor myself. As hard as it was to leave early, it was a good thing I did.

I Volunteer As Tribute 

+ flogging

+ spanking (paddle, hand, IDC just please please please do)

+ caning/crop

+ bondage in almost any form

+ W. Wheel (still terrified/nauseated by needles and blood.... so why did that excite me?)

(0.0)

~ electricity???

~ pet play???

~ immobilization???

Nopity-Nope

- Latex 

- MASKS (fuck, so triggering. Blindfolds, fine.)

- Humiliation *I stand by the fact that there is a difference between degredation and humiliation. Call me names and expose me, but I need to earn it. I can't take demeaning out of context. Triggering as hell.*

EXPRESSION:

ordinary people become beautiful 

once they have been made

nude

ordinary people become artists

weilding their role:

whip

or

boot-licker

~I can never resist a pun~

The Event: Rope workshop slash munch-type thing

Bondage - First encounter with shibari went really well. Self-tied/tied basic futo with mild success. Self-tied a "gravity boot" (more challenging) and was briefly/partially suspended (yessss please). Overall; life changing. (wrote an entire blog about this but it got deleted so..... here we are)

Reflection:

+ Am genuinely attracted to ropes for the art and the intimacy. 

+ Felt beautiful, an exercise in self-love. Didn't expect it.

+ Catharsis: I felt it a bit later, even had a small mark for a bit (don't worry, I was supervised and it wasn't damaging). I felt like I'd earned it. Like I'd carry the feeling of it with me for awhile

+ Sub-space? Not quite..... More like a zen/self-awareness. Floaty as fuck, but not like my past experiences with a partner/self. 

- Confidence and ambition to get to the workshop might have been.... dumb. Traveled at dark alone, didn't charge my battery enough so it died and I had a mild panic that I was lost (thank god for my compulsive directions checking earlier!!) Safe and Sane? NOPE! I had been planning and looking forward to this day for so long-- how had I thrown all caution out the window? I'd gradually become more comfortable getting out of my comfort zone.... but WTH, Ivy?!! It wasn't until I realized I was walking past a cemitery and I was worried the creepy old man and his dog were following me through the zombie-like neighborhoods that I realized how stupid I had been. 

+ Will now think ahead about getting to and from events.

- Small group, didn't know anyone there. Definitely something I didn't care about before, and certainly in no one's control, but I felt very exposed after my "traumatic" journey.

+ I got more help from the lead rigger than I would have if the group had been larger.

- & + smaller number of people meant self-tying most of the time. I enjoyed being bound more than tying, it was fun, though! I am a perfectionist, to an annoying degree.

+ Later I started chatting with someone from the group. The interaction has been really nice.... I've needed closeness lately. I'ts been nice to talk to someone. People need to be with people as much as they need to be alone.

EXPRESSION:

Who knew

how unforgiving,

embracing,

nearer?

Entranced by my own flesh

it's curves

it's ripples

it's smudges

it's feel 

under my own flesh

under

knots.

Suddenly my frayed,

matted crown

softens in pinkened light.

my lips

more sensual.

my curves

more smooth.

my lashes

blown wide,

seeking.

There are so many different smells

The aftertaste

Of choloate

On breath

I’m lost for the first time

In a city that seems to

Threaten me

With memories

Am I back on the sheets

Hardly washed

Covered with my own blood

And cum

A record spinning that

In one life I might’ve loved

But maybe not

The quality of light

Too warm

Not bright

The way he smelled with milk

on his

breath

I am too much

And not enough

I become part of the furniture

A dispensory

Of my own love

As his lube

I’m too

Submissive

Little

Wet

I’m not

Confident

Important

Satisfied

Right.

I knew what I was interested in. I know what my limits are. 

So, being the information hoarder I am, I decided to do an in-depth analysis. And holy shit. 

I've been aware that my history has influenced my interest in BDSM & fostered a Submissive part of my personality.... but now I'm a little frightened about some of my "kinks."

Admitting these bluntly, written down, really highlighted some Masochistic tendencies. I have been doing enough reading to realize that this isn't necessarily a bad thing, that it could actually help me work through it in the hands of a partner I trust, that out of my control it could be cathartic. ....But what if this awakens my stabalized PTSD? 

It reminds me of something I had to confront the other day for a project with work.... Being abroad has made me realize just how conditioned I am to fear gun violence.... It took leaving my country to see that I've developed a trigger. [THIS IS NOT AN INVITATION TO GET POLITICAL, PEOPLE. PLEASE, NO OPINIONS ON THIS BELOW. KEEP THE COMMENTS KINKY >:) ]

Seeing the correlations of my kinks and "bad years" didn't scare me off from BDSM, which is what is most surprising (concerning?) to me in all of this. If anything, investigating my interests was arousing.....

Chime in below with your thoughts. 

Without further ado; Ivy's list:

Experience:

~ } no experience/new term to me   

00 } no experience, no interest

0! } no experience, interested

- } little experience

+ } some experiene

!! } experienced, love it

Limit/interest spectrum:

/*/ Faux leather only, please! (yes, yes, yes, I know.....)

/0/ Hard Limit

/1/ Neutral

/2/ for the right partner

/3/ willing to try, cautiously curious

/4/ like it/the idea of it

/5/ very interested/excited to try

Potential triggers/challenges:

 

^ } past self-harm method

" } past abuse experience

X } scared but morbidly intrigued 

% } embarassed to admit/acknowledge

 

I warned you fuckers I'm a obsessive compulsive analytic XD

 

Limits & Interests (Fall 2018)

• "ABANDONMENT (short or long term) 00/0/X
• ABRASIONS 0!/5 
• ADULT BABY 00/0
• AGE PLAY 00/0
• ANAL (sex) 0!/5
• ANAL (plugs) +/5
• ANAL (beads) !!/5
• ARMBINDERS 0!/3/X
• BEGGING +/4/%
• BELTS 0!/4
• BITING +/5
• BLINDFOLDS -/5
• ^BLOODPLAY +/0/X
• BONDAGE (lite) +/5
• BONDAGE (heavy) 0!/5
• BONDAGE (public)0!/4
• BREATH PLAY (choking) 0!/4/X
• BREATH PLAY (suffocation) 0!/3/X
• CAGES 00/1/X
• CANES 0!/4/X
• CHAINS 0!/4
• CHASTITY DEVICES ~/3
• CLOTHES PINS -/2/X
• COLLARS 0!/2
• CONSENSUAL NON-CONSENT 0!/3/%
• CORNER TIME 0!/4
• CORSETS +/5
• CUFFS +/4
• CUM PLAY -/4/X
• DADDY DYNAMICS -/2/%
• DEGRADATION (public) 0!/3/%
• DEGRADATION (private)0!/4/%
• DIAPER PLAY/SCAT 00/0
• DOUBLE PENETRATION (oral & anal) 0!/2
• DOUBLE PENETRATION (vaginal & anal) 0!/4
• ELECTRICITY 0!/4/X
• EROTIC MODELING 0!/3/%
• EXHIBITION (acquaintances) 0!/1/X
• EXHIBITION (strangers) 0!/2/%
• FEET -/3
• FEAR PLAY ("scarousal") 0!/4
• FIRE 0!/3
• FISTING 00/1
• FLOGGING 0!/5
• FORCED MASTURBATION 0!/5/%
• FORCED SERVITUDE -/3/X
• FURRY PLAY 00/0
• GAGS 0!/4
• GANGBANG ~/4
• GOLDEN SHOWERS 00/0
• GROOMING (caring for the physical/hygenic wellbeing of another, dressing them up/down, etc.) +/5
• HAIR PULLING -/4
• HOODS 00/1/X
• "HUMILIATION (verbal, psychological) +/3/X
• ICE 0!/5
• IMMOBILIZATION (not including face) 0!/3
• KICKING 00/0
• KINBAKU/SHIBARI 0!/5
• KISSING !!/5
• KNEELING -/5
• ^KNIVES/RAZORS +/2/X
• LATEX ~/3
• LICKING +/4
• LINGERIE +/5
• MASKS 00/0/X
• MASTURBATION !!/5
• MEDICAL ROLEPLAY 00/2/X
• 'MOMMY' DYNAMICS 00/2
• MUMIFICATION (incl. face) 00/1/X
• NEEDLES -/0
• NIPPLE CLAMPS 0!/3/X
• NIPPLE WEIGHTS 00/0
• NIPPLE SUCTION -/5
• "OBJECTIFICATION 0!/4/%
• "ORAL (give/recieve) +/4/X
• ORGASM CONTROL/DENIAL +/5
• "PADDLES +/5/%
• PET DYNAMICS ~/3/%
• PLAYING IN PUBLIC -/3
• POSTURES 0!/5
• POWER EXCHANGE (total, play) +/5
• PUNCHING 00/0
• RESTRAIN(-ed, -ts) -/5
• RIDING CROP 0!/4
• RIMMING 0!/4/X
• "RESTRICTIONS (behaviour, eye contact, speech, etc.) +/5
• RESTRICTIONS (toilet/washroom) ~/2/X
• RITUALS 0!/5/%
• ^SCRATCHING 0!/5/%
• SCHOOL DYNAMICS 0!/5/%
• SENSORY DEPRIVATION 0!/5
• SEX (in scene) !!/2
• SHAVING (giving/recieving) 0!/4
• SHIBARI/KINBAKU 0!/5
• SLAPPING 0!/2/X
• SPANKING +/5
• SPITTING 00/2/X
• STRAP ON 0!/2/%
• SUSPENSION 0!/5
• SQUIRTING +/5
• SWALLOWING 0!/4/%
• SWINGING 0!/2/%
• TAPE 0!/3/X
• TEASING (giving/recieving) +/5
• THREESOME/GROUP 0!/3
• TICKLING ~/4/X
• TOYS !!/5
• VOYEURISM 0!/3/%
• WAX 0!/5
• WHIPS 0!/5

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So... I did it! 

I went to a munch! And everyone was so nice!! It was just what I needed after the rubbish week I've had.

I want to write down a piece of advice I got so I don't forget: if you're a sub (and a weakling and smol and paranoid like me;) transitioning to irl can feel terrifying. I attempted to ask advice about this and got loads of encouragement. Meeting potential partners for a vanilla date first can be a great idea. An even better idea is to ask them to attend a munch with you (!!! genius, never would have occurred to me !!!) They pointed out that if the person is apprehensive to do this with you, you ought to ask yourself why. Obviously this isn't a one-size-fits-all solution, but it's a good one.

I think I've made some friends, too 😄 Everyone was so welcoming... Not intimidating in the least. I've even been invited to other events in the area which I'm excited about 😄 :) :) 

Another thing that struck me was how natural it was for me to be submissive around these People. Some people, it was really obvious what their role was (how they dressed, carried themselves). Others, I didn't have a clue. But for myself I found that it was so freeing to blush or look down (after respectful eye contact ofc) or bite my lip etc, etc, etc. 

These have been tiny things in my life that I've tried to train myself out of because I've been called out on it for different reasons. I always chocked it up to my dramatic side, but tonight, when I met a Dom(me) or switch it was like my whole body went into sub-mode.

I truly don't know how else to describe it except.... Freeing? It was like I was a baby bird realizing that it had wings. I was taken in like one of the flock, mothered by a few that knew how to fly already.

I can't go back to the way things were, now. I'm submissive, and I don't want it any other way.

Ivy

I'm going to my first Munch tonight!!

I'm so excited and nervous. This is JUST what I needed xx

Ivy

P.s. I know that munches are a (sort of) vanilla event. I'm really just excited to meet people and ask questions XD

Subspace ... Incredible (if that's what it was)

Dropping... Horrible

(If that's what this is)

Homesickness (lonely, and far away from my emerald evergreens)

I need a touch (Something to hold on to)

A grip

A slap

A tug

From 

Anybody

Please and thank you

Ivy xx