Cant do this

i am a young widower I lost my fiancé four years ago on the 22nd of oct it took me almost a year and a half to smile again and three years of being lonely till I connected with a beautiful girl that made me think a future was possible we were just starting out and honestly I was a shit boyfriend I flirted with others and fucked around at first we met on tinder on my birthday I soon fell absolutely in love with her she has an account on here I doubt she reads these but she had gotten me to open up and try these new things made me feel like I was wanted for who I was but because of my own issues I neglected her and when I was actually ready to commit fully the damage was already done I scared her and it hurt me so much that I feel like she hates me and now I wait everyday anxious I have anxiety attacks when I see our fav types of movies food places music and ropes collars cars that look like hers make me so nervous I puke I have never in my life been like this I  messed up and I just want her to know that I miss her and want to apologize I called over thirty females in my phone that due to my dominant self I pressured while I knew they were with others to cheat and I apologized in tears to them and there significant others I then have reset and deleted almost five hundred people from all my social media and phones plus emails I wish that I would have taken care of her more I know I could have but it seems I never learn.