Cant do this

Damn I had just finished a post now I realize that sometimes thoughts make u act wrong and think without knowing it I enter every relationship with the thought I will fight to see this person personal issues didn’t matter while love fell in my life so why would I allow that to affect how I treat or see a person and any relationship I had where I already had expectations or limits or rules it was really heavy scars stuffed emotions and a closed mind I understand being cautious and that shit gets really hard even if u don’t want to look at them I remember that the love we had even if it seemed dim to me it might have lit up the others life but my previous expectations made it impossible to me to not compare my other to someone or something else and I hurt so many people thinking I was in the right or I was a burden either extremes then I felt or remembered  when I started to really understood and say I myself say love only to people who touch my life in a way that makes me be there no matter what if they call and love lasts for me forever I ruined so much with not seeing that maybe the person I’m with yeah they don’t add up to those things perfectly no ones perfect what one person may lack in they might excel in others and I never noticed because I was to busy making a list of compromises I already had to do for them since they don’t add up so now there is resentment and distance cause I was to focused on dulling my world and dealing with my own pain and issues that as soon as it wasn’t convenient or got tough one time I already had the excuse it’s me not you but I set those rules they didn’t meet I didn’t look for them as themselves because when u do that u open up and could get hurt and another lighted heart dims with no one noticing and in a society where another one another possible is so easy to obtain or think about why would anyone fight for love anymore that’s hard that takes feelings and caring and love it’s just impossible to keep wanting to try when u feel or make people feel neglected which I did or useless and worthless wondering what she did to me and I get it it’s what I’m used to I think others posts are to me secretly from u seeking what a way to make me feel better or get closure I enjoy the connected ness of the internet but the dull shine on peoples take on love and what it means to care and try keep even one person around has made it hurt so much worse because all it was is that our light and love for each other shone bright at different times and being different people that happens it’s waiting and showing you will try and showing up day after day doesn’t count do something anything to show love exists from you to them because being alone and empty well personally I always feel cold these days I make myself hard to live with or even love but only for a bit it’s rough but love I thought I was worth waiting to pick up and keep but like a rock at the bottom of the oceans heart I feel dark and cold secrets and twisted reasoning and excuses people use for there own guilt and justification it’s all the shit I did over and over till I decided to try love again I’m not that important if I was I would have been worth the fight but I’m the only constant factor in my life and I have never had anyone friend family or romance anyone who said they love me struggle to keep me always and forever always promises be damned either pass away or just get up and walk away because why I don’t know I made it that way they say no but like I said people love and struggle happiness is paid for through tough times love and hard work it just breaks my heart that no matter what I was there would be but I wasn’t worth more than a I’m sorry I just can’t then ghost love yeah smile at ghosts of memories I don’t my heart pounds and Aches I blame me over and over again but I just pray harder for you and build my walls high alone slowly and strong because I will refuse to bend again rules like I mentioned are made in life only because someone ruined it for someone else think on it if anyone I ever said I loved wants me I’m here I apologize and just want people back in my life I don’t want anyone to ever hurt at the thought of me and figuring out I did hurts me so much worse so that’s just my thoughts they don’t matter much just ramblings of a lonely hurt kid that will get over it eventually people think because that’s how it is now that we all are like that no not true some of us are strong for everyone but hang on by a thread new rules for anyone I’m looking for you would tell me not to do that it’s not fair to this person I say I love but when u point and tell people things three fingers point back at you not only telling yourself that you should look at yourself three times to the one You point at your saying that it’s not ok for them to be hurt push people away and justify it so easy but wait isn’t that what u did what I do what happened wasn’t that it couldn’t work it’s that love is hard work tough scars and knock down drag out trails but some people like me are just so easily forgotten and thought better off I can try after so many times I’m strong so strong for others and myself mostly myself I just get tired so fucking tired