As a longtime advocate and participant of Locktober as a Keyholder (and self-locked one year, for science!), chastity isn’t new to me. The pros and cons aren’t at all hard to discern. However, when I first became aware of it, I only knew it from a vanilla context to rebuild trust after cheating. The more I researched and learned, the more I stepped fully into the founding reason I practice chastity on a regular basis and not just during #Locktober.
I was in the middle of giving a lecture on intimacy and surprised even myself with what I said. I didn’t plan to say it. I don’t even remember thinking it in those terms before, but the words just came into focus, and I said:
“If you use pornography excessively, your partner will become the least attractive person in your life. If you refuse it completely, your partner will be a Goddess.”
This won’t sit well with a lot of folks. What is considered pornography? How much is excessive? What do you have against unchaste males? Will it take long to see results? Am I addicted to porn? I don’t have those answers for you because some will vary based on your own unique situation and desires. What I do know is, your partner(s) will become an embodiment of amazing beauty, mystery, and fascination. In other words, you will appreciate who they really are.
This is because chastity works. Not just on a physical level, but on a human one.
In today’s world, I think knowing the human reasons to avoid compulsive pornography watching (and masturbation) are nearly as important as knowing the kinky reasons. Beyond the obvious power exchange happening, avoiding porn and/or using chastity can be used to:
- Reinforce D/s roles and dynamic
- Increase shared erotic pleasure
- Correct unwanted behavior (or reward good behavior) through sexual frustration
- Engage in extended Tease & Denial (T&D)
- Visually arouse or please
- Strengthen pelvic muscles
- Facilitate intense orgasms
For some of us, the kinky reasons may not be enough motivation to keep us disciplined. The potential harm to your sexual freedom can seem theoretical. Our culture so enthusiastically embraces compulsive pornography consumption and sex, so it is hard to feel like they can be a hindrance. You read that correctly, I believe in the remarkable concept that, giving someone control over your sexual release is, in some ways, the ultimate surrender, and to surrender is to be truly free.
That is why it helps to understand how the sexually compulsive use of pornography and/or masturbation can affect us. Too much of a good thing can be “bad” in my opinion. In excess I believe that both can:
- Decrease relationship satisfaction (often cited as a big breakup reason)
- Negatively affect self-esteem
- Feed into fantasy scenarios that block real life opportunities
- Create space for “loneliness” if heavily reliant on digital content to secure arousal
- Build up distorted beliefs and perceptions about relationships and sexuality
- Erode a chance for strengthening self-discipline and self-control
- Lead to possibility of ‘habituation’ (the desire for novel stimuli)
This is because of both the biology and the energy of sex. Sexual intimacy creates chemical bonds between human bodies and brains, by releasing hormones that make sexual partners feel committed to each other. It also creates an energetic bond: Sex is the sacred unveiling of oneself to another — a sharing of one’s deepest self in which people are totally vulnerable to and accepting of each other.
Is porn addictive?
Without a doubt, the most active and controversial area of research on pornography today is whether or not porn can be addictive. News reports routinely use the language of sexual compulsion/addiction, describing ‘cravings’, ‘tolerance’, ‘need for more hits’ and ‘withdrawal’.
But we are still in the very early stages of understanding these processes on a neurobiological level. What we do know with porn is that there are some patterns that are consistent with a compulsion or addiction – but some that are not. We need much larger epidemiological studies to know for sure.
As of yet there are no officially recognized diagnostic criteria for ‘porn addiction’. Attempts to include ‘hypersexuality disorder’ in the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5) – the so-called ‘bible of psychiatry’– were unsuccessful due to a lack of clear and consistent evidence.
Even still, I believe the biological connection of real-life partners can get muddled with compulsive pornography and masturbation for some users. You know those men that become oddly bonded with porn stars they don’t know? This could point to a real chemical change within the brain due to a combination of things, with overindulgence among them.
Avoiding a slippery slope
Our biggest sexual organ rests between our ears. The brain is where we truly experience intimacy, pleasure, love, and satisfaction. But it is also where we create negative feelings, bad habits, destructive compulsions, and addictions. Compulsively viewing pornography and/or masturbating is a prime example.
Inside the human brain, there’s something called the “reward pathway.” Its job is to reward you when you do something that feels good by releasing pleasure chemicals. The problem is the reward pathway can be hijacked. The way that substances like cocaine and meth make users feel high is by forcing the reward pathway to release high levels of chemicals, porn does the exact same thing. The surge of chemicals pulsing through the brain creates new brain pathways that will lead the porn user back to the behavior that triggers the chemical release. The more the user watches porn, the deeper those pathways are wired into the brain.
Pornography attachment can be very strong because masturbation and orgasm produce a fireworks display of neurochemicals and repetition builds neural pathways to enable patterns of behavior. The episodes are even more enhanced with other feelings, including fear of getting caught, secrecy, novelty, and even shame or guilt. This chemical and hormonal explosion takes learning to a whole new level.
For me it harkens to the service, obedience, and devotion to me I desire. It would be like trying to be a good submissive boy and an avid porn consumer at the same time. You can’t fully give your sexual commitment to your Mistress while also giving it to your favorite website.
Lastly, in my Queendom, I feel excess pornography consumption saps the sub’s ability to show devotion to me properly for a simple mathematical reason…
The secret to happiness is serving others. In D/s, that means sustained attention. It means being present to the other, sharing in the details of the dynamic from day-to-day, and plans for the future. It means doing the things the dominant needs to have done and finding service things to do for your dominant that don’t need to be done.
That takes time. Any addiction makes that hard, but porn/masturbation addiction, which dominates the attention and wastes hours of time, hurts more than most. Sometimes it is done in hiding, and it involves an attitude shift. Serving your dominant at cost to yourself can make you a happier submissive. Pleasing yourself at the cost of your dominant leaves you depleted.
Porn as a pitstop
For most people, consuming porn will not cause them to view people differently. But in those who already are predisposed to certain mindsets or beliefs, porn can exacerbate pre-existing and dangerous propensities. In this way, it’s just like any other drug.
Alcohol, for example, is in many ways comparable to porn because it is ubiquitous, socially acceptable and legal.
For some people, alcohol can truly ruin their lives. But for others it can be mildly positive, such as providing stress relief or enhancing their sex lives. It depends on the cultural context – and the individual.
But can watching porn actually be beneficial to certain people? Of course! There is as much of a case to be made for the benefits as well as the harms. For example, porn can introduce viewers to new activities that can ‘spice things up’ in the bedroom. Erotica can have positive and negative effects, it’s about identifying for whom, and when.
But in my world, that means the Queen, Keyholder decides, and I’ll probably be much stricter than you ever imagined.