A Demi in Isolation

Careless 

Can you be blamed for not being helpful? I blamed myself for a long time. I still, unjustly, do. It is written all over my hurt that “If you need help. I am not the one for you.” I have instilled in myself that I am incapable of being that thing that someone needs to feel happy, loved, cared for. It is the first thing I will tell you about myself. If you are looking for emotions… I do not have them for you. If you are looking for someone to keep you happy, engaged, entertained, I cannot be that person.

So… why am I bringing it back up, if it is closed? Why do I continue to not believe this thing that I have told myself. That research through trial and error indicates and has confirmed. That past relationships have told me to be true? It is because I still try. For some reason, I try to be what they need. I try to help in my way… because it is demanded from me. But I recognize, the more times I fail, that it may be the situation that is not my best environment for success… not my inability to help, especially not through my want of trying. 

Let me tell you a story. One that has happened too many times. Like that book with the broken spine. A favorite of mine it seems… about how I have come to tell myself that I am indeed not a helpful person, not emotional, not genuine in my empathy.

It begins where it ends. At the end of a relationship, when the cards are on the table and the one that stares me in the face is the “Careless” card. Maybe it is because it is the one that hurts me the most. Maybe that is why it is used, maybe it is genuine from the players of the game. But nevertheless, it is held in a hand until the very end. Where it then surfaces. I do not have the ability to care, to help, to make better an emotional situation. I do not know that piece you need, when you need it. Through the entire game, I did not give you the card you needed to allow you to discard that one, to consider it matched. It cuts deep. Like the elongated tooth of the basilisk, to the center of my cover, and the black bile that oozes forth from the wound. The victory. The slaughter of the demon I am in this relationship, the freedom you have now won at my expense.

Okay… maybe that is a little over exaggeratively. I am for sure taking literary liberties with my story telling today. But can you see how I feel? See she who shall not be named.

What I don’t accept... I have not been able to accept; and thus, I am unable to set this in stone; This piece of who I am. This unemotional, careless, tyrant of a being, as more than just a horror story; is “Then why?” The rebuttal... I am always with that person who has been so invested in me. Who has cared so deeply. How we always fix my problems, address my concerns. Where as, when they are suffering… I am not available. I am careless. And yet still…

I analyze… How could I? How could I be so insincere to someone’s suffering? So callous in my avoidance that I dismiss their feelings outright and they never get their closure… Right. There. That is the piece that prevents me from final admonition on this thing that I hang over my own head. That I embrace and has become a part of me. Because it does not make sense… by all accounts, I am these things. I offer all of these things.

We fix me… because I accept being helped. I open my book and present my problems. I don’t fear the horrors you might see, I don’t fear you running... even though you might... even after you have. 

Wow… what a moment I had when I realized this. Brought me to tears. So many years of thinking I couldn’t care the way people wanted me to… when this, in all its glory, told me what I needed to know. People like helping me, because I accept being helped. They… do not. Not once had these accusers brought something to the table about themselves, they needed help with. Should that mean I go digging? This is what I see to be the difference between a healthy complex and a savior complex: I should not have to beg for you to let me in. That is what they want… but no, I do not think I will, forcing these things is met with the same outcome; the same backlash. Where as me… I am transparent, I am giving and vulnerable and always willing to humble myself and be the first to the table with questions and concerns and my own flaws. That is only half of the battle. Where as some have handled me poorly, and some expertly when I present them with my most vulnerable issues… but when the tables are turned… spoiler… they never are. I am not oblivious to the fact that I might not be the best at creating a safe space, where someone feels comfortable being vulnerable. That is a growth for me. But I will hold steadfast that I HAVE NEVER shamed someone for their flaws when they have put them at my feet. I have honored them. 

I am the most eager person to open my book to you, and let you write on the pages of my life. That is why MY problems seem like the most valuable. MY problems seem like they get all the attention; and MY problems are so easily “Fixed” by you… because I let you. I offer it up to you. I let you have that satisfaction of ‘fixing’ me. I should write a blog about when someone is obsessed with “fixing” and how that means they are not actually “supporting” or “helping” you… but I won’t go into it here. There is a difference, is all I will say: One is greedy, one is true caring. So when I say fix, I hope you read it as superficially as it is offered to me. How it isn’t actually meant for me, it is for self-satisfaction... the wrong reasons you give that homeless person on the street a dollar. So you can go home thinking you made a difference. Being used so someone can fix you and they can feel accomplished… well… it hurts… every time.

I am careless, because I never get the chance to care. Your problems are never put on the table… unless it is already volatile and you are attacking me with them. That is not a request for help or support… it is manipulation. And when I do not feel guilty, then you bottle them back up again and divert tactics to ones you know will cut me. That I am careless. Tell me where you are failing, tell me how to care for you, and you will see how all-in I can be. Otherwise, do not accuse me of being the one who doesn’t care.

I don’t know what I will do with this new revelation… I want to think that I can care. I am a very supportive person. I have never once, even in an argument condescended, insulted, attacked someone’s vulnerabilities. It is something I am proud of. But I don’t need to be proud, it is who I am. I can have the same argument in and out of emotions. I do not resort to underhanded tactics and I can point out inconsistencies without having to resort to name calling and superficial attacks. Does that mean I am not insulting? Far from it. I will look you in the eye when I tell you, you have these flaws; I will respect you enough to say their name, out loud. But being able to say I do care? It has been a long time of accepting this about myself… that I don’t even know where I would start to weave that back into my vocabulary, my presence, my being. 

~Oracle

Today Is My Birthday!! 

This is only the second birthday I have had, since I was 15, where I was single. So needless to say, this is the BEST BIRTHDAY EVER! 

Does that seem a little too obsessive? A little too self absorbed? Surely that isn't *actually* the case, and I am just being dramatic for drama's sake. Well!! Allow me to explain! 

I have only been in a relationship with 3 people in my life (In person-for the sake of this post). Yup, 3 people across every birthday I have ever had since 15. So, it may be a little easier to understand that if 3 people don't really treat you very special, then that is not going to change from one birthday to the next... Unfortunately, I have found myself fighting on my birthday more often than not in my life. I find that extra unfortunate. SHOULD NEVER HAPPEN PEOPLE!! CHECK YOUR EGO ON SOMEONE ELSES DAY!! 

People may read my profile and think that I am traumatized, standoffish, and relentlessly trying to *avoid* love and romance. But I am always giving my all to people... who tend to stick around, for at least a while. Oddly enough, which I am currently analyzing... the BDSM community has been the place where I have had the most toxic and harmful relationships of my entire life. I kind of accepted that coming in. My Vanilla relationships weren't nurturing to my soul, my nature, who I am. My BDSM ones haven't been either... but I made a commitment to myself, that I was no longer going to let that be an option. That I was going to have standards. So my experiences here, have been much shorter, have gotten to the catalyst of unhealthy and not standing for it, much sooner. 

Last year, I was dumped only a few weeks before my birthday, so I was still living with my ex-Dom when the day rolled around... so that couldn't have been a good birthday. I think we had Mexican, so I didn't have to cook, which was nice... but my head was a mess of trying to establish myself in an entirely new country, with nothing to my name except a scholarship for school. Not great. 

This year though!? This is the year for me. My life, all my accomplishments and all my struggles. Becoming the person I am today, this person I am proud of. 

So in common... but maybe not so common, Birthday Fashion! I am posting some motivational quotes that remind me how far I have come, what I deserve and the humble amazingness that is me and every part of me. No premium, so you will just have to manage with my word porn. I will provide links. 

"It's about who stays. Not who fucking promised." ~ Thomas, Peaky Blinders 

https://www.pinterest.ca/pin/471470654749216351/ 

"I've taught myself to talk to everyone in their own language. I just need someone to talk to me in mine" ~Unknown

https://www.pinterest.ca/pin/471470654749216403/ 

"I hope that someday when I am gone, someone, somewhere, picks my soul up off these pages and thinks, 'I would have loved her"" ~Nicole Lyons

https://www.pinterest.ca/pin/471470654749216323/ 

 "She's a simple woman, made to look complicated by a man who isn't man enough to provide the things she deserves." ~r.h. Sin

https://www.pinterest.ca/pin/471470654749220173/

If you want, you can follow my Pintrest board: "Introvert to the Enth." just a compilation of things that inspire and resonate with me about my INTP personality. 

https://pin.it/5NkEZdm 

You might also like: "People are so Smart!" Which is just oddities that my warped brain finds funny and helps me relate with humanity. 

https://pin.it/2B8TSP7 

((I am not super active. It is just good wholesome content. I hope you find something that speaks to you! We all share common ground)) 

If you are stopping by here, please say hi! let me know if any of them inspired you. It is MY birthday, but I know these things about myself already, so it would be a wonderful present to know I helped someone. My subby heart would be happy. <3 <3 Let me know if any other of the pintrest quotes spoke to you, and leave me a link! 

Have a great day 

~Oracle 

Guilt. I hear it all the time, see it too. I get misinterpreted as a manipulator more often than I like to admit. Some might say “Well, if the shoe fits”. Certainly. This is why I am blogging. Because maybe some day the lightbulb will go off, and I will recognize something about me that I can fix. Today, I am not here to own up to the fact that I am a manipulator… I am not. At least not when I am being accused of it… go figure. I mean, we all might accidentally manipulate someone or guilt trip someone at some point, without meaning to. No, I am here today to talk about guilt. Guilt, and how it leads to someone lashing out, projecting and yes, thinking someone is trying to manipulate or gaslight you.

I rarely feel guilt. So much so… I do, and have wondered if maybe I am a narcissist. I can assure you, I am not either. Still, I give these thoughts their course. Because how can you know, if you don’t ask yourself the hard questions. So why don’t I feel guilt when I do something wrong, where others do? Maybe I have a secret to share… maybe I still have learning of my own to do.

Regardless, I think I found it. Guilt is something greedy. Something you put on yourself. Guilt, is actually the Narcissists tool! Strange huh?

Let me explain.

I have heard the saying “break a plate. Now say sorry to it. Did it go back together?” as an example of how when you hurt someone, you can’t take it back. I find this unsettling. I find that this mentality is the same demoralizing one for “Crying over spilt milk”. Why give a child punishment when they spill milk accidentally? The milk is already spilt. You are insisting that they feel guilt. That speaks true for this plate as well. You are insisting there is nothing the person can do to make amends, that there is no point feeling remorseful. Only feeling guilty. They get to become the one who gets to hold that over your head… and I assure you, some will.  

Some may argue that it is just a saying, meat to caution you to think before you speak. I am an advocate for that. Some things you can’t take back, it is better to be a better person, than to have to fix something over and over. But everyone starts somewhere, we all need patience and grace when learning. But the very structure of this sentence… just oozes guilt tripping and manipulation in itself. I am not okay with that.

Why would you not take accountability for the spilt milk? And show that you are remorseful, offer something in tribute for a mistake you did not mean to make? This is how I deal with problems. I do not need to feel guilty, because if I make a mistake, I WILL rectify it. I will come outside of myself to make amends, at your discretion. Selflessly. I will ask for a solution that you feel merits the crime, and I will make the decision if having forgiveness is important enough to see this thing through. Action. Because that is an option. Closure is currency for guilt.

Guilt is something that someone takes upon themselves. It is Greedy. When someone doesn’t want to take action. When the consequence is too hard or accusatory for someone to want to put in the work to fix it. When it is fixed it is done. Guilt… fixes nothing. Yet people think that it is enough to correct a problem. It isn’t. You gave nothing to someone else. You are the opposite of selfless when you feel guilty. You are self absorbed, lazy and vindicating. Not to mention, when someone feels guilt, they start to project that feeling… they think it SHOULD be enough… because they are punishing themselves. Punishing yourself is not punishment. That doesn’t work… when was the last time a criminal got to choose his own sentence? That is all guilt is and ever will be.

Selfless remorse is at the discretion of someone else. They get to decide what is proper discourse, how much commitment it will take, and they may even decide you can never give enough, that the crime is so severe, there is no payment. If you were idiotic enough to do that thing in the first place… you should be starting at that self reflection… and fixing it in yourself… but not with guilt. Guilt is lazy, baseless and action less.

You do not need to feel guilty. If you are someone who takes accountability and offers to correct mistakes, then you are showing action to your commitments. You are putting energy out into the world in exchange for what you created. To take it back. Yet, so many people would rather feel guilty, or make someone feel guilty… instead of allowing them means, figuring out what an appropriate exchange is… because then it would be over and done, wouldn’t it? And you can’t project on someone who has nothing to feel sorry for, can you?

Have you ever seen the show “My 600 lbs life”? I once talked to my therapist about something they said on that show… because it made sense… but I was never going to take advice from a reality television show. Anyways. Something that hit me like a freight train from that show: Is that people have enablers and disablers/manipulators.

Where as it is very good to keep people out of your life that want to hurt you, manipulate you and are toxic to your wellbeing…

There are then the people you keep in your life because they enable you. That is when you only surround yourself with people who help you hate yourself. The “yes” people. Who quiet down when you are hostile or retaliate and they never challenge you. They don’t want you to be better, they like when you are toxic. They just allow you to drown in your depression or pain, helping to feed it and validate your avoidance.

When you only allow enablers in your life, it is a reaction to the hyper vigilant need to keep out the disablers. The pendulum swings so far the other way, that you can no longer recognize people that want the best for you. People that will not enable you, that will insist that you are working on yourself, and that you stop making excuses and be your best self. That you are strong enough to fight the right fight. People that believe in you. Instead, like I have been, you think these are just more disablers; you accuse them of being manipulative; Of trying to gaslight you, because they are telling you something about yourself you do not want to, or are not ready, to hear.

There is little someone else can do for you. You can’t force someone to let you in. But I am, and will always stand strong against being an enabler. About allowing toxic actions to materialize in consequence. About accountability and failure as the ONLY way to success. Something I have lived! something I have proven! I don’t speak out my ass when I say the only way to success is the hard way.

Talking to my therapist, developing ideas, trying to see if this is a thing, and how to avoid it. Maybe I am a magnet, but I am starting to think that this community is a good place for people to come who only want enablers in their life. They want their word to be law and to never be questioned, never be told they are wrong, never be told the truth. We call them Doms.

This is not an attack on all Doms, ((though if you just got offended, that is your freebie that you should take a look)) I have only had experience with a handful; this isn’t necessarily about any of them either. It is a pattern… since NEWSFLASH… I am me… not my failed relationships. This is my thought process and journey. Though, as a submissive, I always hope that someone is out there who understands their role, like I understand mine.

I have been called disrespectful and manipulative; gaslighting and ignorant, all because I speak in a truth and demand respect in turn. This will have to be a different blog… because I am getting so tired of people throwing disrespect at me, when they can’t grasp the concept. When they see confrontation and communication as disrespect, and not the fact that they won’t even entertain an argument… anyways. I can’t touch that topic right now; it is still too volatile.

Do you want to see the difference?

It has been mentioned to me that all you can do is let someone be hurt, but not let it be turned on you. That you are allowed to defend yourself and ask for clarification without it being seen as manipulative.

There are some hints I am learning. When using the word “you” is manipulative and using the word “I” is guilt tripping; This is not a battle you can win, hell… you aren’t even playing. Nothing you do matters enough to be part of the conversation.

Because I suck at explaining things: 

Here is a video that kind of goes into what people who isolate and depression can look like in those instances. If you are struggling with understanding the difference between a disabler/manipulator/gaslighter or an enabler, and someone who genuinely has your interest at heart… even when you can’t see it.

I think the entire Psychology of a Hero series is wonderful. Because you are strong and amazing, and flawed. It is here:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLRO9q005b62UHjfImhRHEI1Db708U52r1

I think every one of us has something that can be learnt from this and this topic. I welcome your thoughts on it. There are so many walls being built today around everyone's ideals, that they never stop to consider... if these walls are protecting them, or hindering them. 

Complicated in the Simplest of Ways

I knew. I kind of knew… maybe I had no idea. But it was something that had always been plaguing my mind. Why am I so complicated… Well, my last stint of absence has kind of solidified it for me. I am not. I am not complicated. I am complex. I am the most basic form of simple, in a million different ways. Nothing about me is convoluted or misrepresented. I own who I am and I can follow my strings from consequence back to action or engagement.

Maybe I should elaborate.

I have been gone, for a while. A few months perhaps, well at least 60 days – I know this because I did a really intense work out challenge and don’t think I blogged while doing it. I thought maybe, at the beginning it was because I was pre-occupied… but I have been part of this community since 2019… and there have been 2 periods where I disappeared for long periods of time. They are identical, they are when I was struggling in a relationship, and I didn’t want to blog, or divulge my inner monologue, because I didn’t want it to trigger a sensitive topic with my partner. Unfortunate, but it is undeniable at this point. I mean… I could go the scientific route and do it one more time, since 2 is a coincidence and a pattern is not discerned until 3… but you can forgive me for not wanting to expose myself to that type of test.

I know there are plenty who blog when they are hurting. I suppose that is just not me, even something instantaneous, if I am not sure, I wait. I deal with the feeling, and try and approach my thoughts from the other side. Unless I am already sure about something, I hesitate. For the sake of this post, I supposed I had had months of already thinking about it.

This is a very simple case of the bigger picture, but it is what solidified it for me and had me searching through a lot of my past experiences. It was that nail in the coffin, so to speak. Though, I do not see this as a bad thing. Just the definitive factor that a lot of who I am, can be quantified in very simple terms. A+B=C in my world, pretty much every time. If A happens, B can pretty much be expected. I also find it very unusual that it is not apparent. You only need to find one solution with me. It has done wonders in my personal life in becoming the best version of myself. For some reason, that doesn’t sync up with the world, where every A can be handled with a myriad of other letters to get some solution that you don’t know going in. This is based on the emotion of the day, or something else I am learning, self-sabotage. I could call it victim-mentality – but I do not want to victim blame, but there are a lot of people’s whose emotions, literally prevent them from having an answer and it becomes completely reliant on what the other person brings in, so that they can change their needs in the moment and yes, become the protagonist. Turning the other person into the antagonist and the villain for the only purpose of being self-vindicated.

The best I can do in these situation is take what I bring, possibly my ‘A’ and adjust it within my realm of understanding. I can give you a lower case ‘a’, possibly an “A squared” to see if that could be what you are looking for. I know it won’t of course… but of course, I can’t just stop. Maybe that is part of the fault of being a submissive, I need to constantly try and offer what I can, which only makes it worse. That much is obvious, you try putting tomatoes in a fruit salad. It doesn’t work, although it should in theory. But nothing can work when you are battling a will of the mind. The only thing to do is watch yourself be tested and fail and have no way out, at the mercy of the other person. But anyways. I am getting off track.

Even in these very intense situations, I know what my solutions are, I know how to get out of them. There has never been an instant where it hasn’t worked. The only issue is, is that not everyone wants a solution. Sometimes people want to hurt. Sometimes they want to be your enemy.

It changes nothing. It has the very expected outcome. Yet I remain the same.

It is what is looks like. 

I am no longer in a LDR that talked about moving across the world to be together. That talked about forever and working through anything.

The animosity of arguments claims another relationship that could have flourished. I am glad it ended when it did. I am not pleased how, go figure. 

I would not have thought, before coming to BDSM, that it would be difficult to find someone who understood, or at least wanted to. I figured it would be a place where people knew more about themselves than in the vanilla world. That they put the time in to being better, not just for finding validation. 

I am still sure those people are out there. I just feel like there is a lot more insecurity to navigate in this arena than maybe there would have been in the Vanilla world. 

I won't go too into detail with anyone about my newly ended relationship. I had a good friend for a long time. I would not choose this outcome, yet, I know it is for the best for us both. I only wish I knew how to figure out, much sooner, how to tell if someone is decisive or not, insecure or not, or a victim in their own mind or not. These things aren't becoming a better person, they are just justifying an inability to be better. 

I can always work on myself, but finding someone as equally passionate about themselves, is proving to be difficult, and painful. I am going to miss his personality. I like that personality. He truly is a rare person. 

Gah! Sometimes I am just a mess. I have been interviewing trying to pick up some more work in the interim between clients. Working on my own business and building proposals for future business. 

It is the interview process I hate the most. In 30 minutes you can go from researched, confident and self assured to mentally destroyed because you weren't that magical combination of relatable and savvy. Or one mos step and you lose out on a potentially amazing thing that you know you could rock the socks off... 

 The smart, organized, workaholic mastermind... who is the biggest idiot in the interview room. I'd say it is the priorities of the process, but then, I'm the one losing out because of it. 

Genius is hard. Being between jobs and flopping around like a shark who can't climb trees is harder. Gah!! 

Just a random vent. Now back to work I go. 

Dissociative and Historical Amnesia tied to depression.

How bad does your depression have to be to forget Every. Damn. Thing? Is it a blessing or a curse? The more I live with myself, as pleasant and satisfied as I am, the more I wonder.

When I say forget everything. I mean it. I have been planning an all expenses paid trip, high end, life altering and deserving trip to Walt Disney World (no I don't know every little thing about Disney) for when I graduate university (though... now that I have been accepted into an accelerated masters degree and a certification program... I am adding years, instead of taking them away). This will not be my first trip to Walt Disney World. I was lucky enough to go with my grandfather when I was 8 or so, who is now passed away. I say 8 or so, because I cannot remember. I say cannot remember, though I can remember pieces. But the happiness of that memory, major pieces of it are lost to me.

At first, I just attributed it to mis-remembering,  something that most people do. Your ability to remember events is often incorrect, or exaggerated. Because of this inconsistency, I was simply happy that my rational mind just didn't think it necessary to remember events that could very much just be false. However, since I have been "investigating" my own memory, I have come to find that it simply does not exist, or when it does, it is in very small queues, normally brought on by a picture, or someone else's story, to which I have to acknowledge that I have no idea, or that my memory, even of the happiest time (no doubt about that one) is lost to me aside from 1 or 2 very prominent memories, that I do cherish.

Instead I have recently (a few years maybe) understood a condition called dissociative amnesia that is brought on by extreme depression. I could say I 'wonder' if this could be me, but if I am being honest, that way of speaking is just my inability to think that is the final answer, since I can never bring myself to be 100% in anything, my inquisitive mind won't allow it, because we never know. But in this, in this I am (fairly) certain.

Do I find this to be a big deal? I didn't. I am not a curious person. (Maybe I have forgotten that too?) So I am not even interested in opening up the flood gates on a childhood or youth that was not nurturing in spirit or in economy, as the only one in my family getting an education (at 35 mind you) and a grandfather who was able to take all his grandchildren to Walt Disney World, something none of my nieces and nephews may ever get to experience (unless I can make it in the world. I hope I can give them that some day) I do not feel there is anything that could benefit me from remembering my past.

Today I am the person I want to be. I do not deny it had to do with harsh realities and a hard life pushing me relentlessly, that my past influenced my present. But I also have family to compare to, and I think I am doing pretty good; we all are, in our own ways. I do not need some locked away experience from my past stuck in my mind and hindering my potential. I have enough drive and sheer determination to not slide, even when climbing a slippery slope.

But it is these moments of happiness. Of planning a really exciting thing! That I do feel a little remorse for lost memories. That I can only pull one or two things from my entire past that belong to me. That my sisters, my parents, even my nieces and nephews, have so many memories they share with me, that I just can't seem to remember.

Everyday I hope I have come far enough, made enough progress with myself and my demons, my depression. Accepted it as part of myself and found satisfaction enough that the memories I make today, won't leave me one day. I am hopeful, I do have some amazing memories of my cats and my adult life. I have a great memory for my work and details and have used it to my advantage in my career. I am vigilant now to engrain those emotional memories and not take experiences for granted. I encourage you to do the same.

I am only just learning about amnesia from depression and I am terrified a spurt of uncontrolled depression may steal memories from me, how can I know if it has done it in the past or not?

((Please understand that the research suggests that it is only short term memory that is affected, so this should not happen, it is only a fear I have for myself. Although, the studies linking amnesia and depression are juvenile at best, it does not mean my statements are scientifically sound and they should not be taken as such. It is more likely I was severely depressed then, to not create the short term memories, I just did not have the information to recognize it then.))

I am proud to be in a place where people are no longer the cause of my strife. They do not own my depression and can no longer steal pieces of me with their actions or choices. But I do still sometimes fear myself. I am working on it. Do I feel like I finally have someone I can rely on? That might actually see me as they see themselves? See me as everything that I am, not just a someone who exists in their world? I do. Is that scary? Very much so. What if I am wrong? Not only is my present and future at stake, but my past could be as well.

I love you Grandpa. Thank you for giving me memories so strong that they beat my own self. I think this Sir of mine could make you proud.

~Oracle, today and yesterday.

Hello 👋👋

It is my first time participating in AMA. Even when it was first started by my dear AlphaWolfe. >.<

💜💚💜💚

So thank you Umberlee for starting it up! 

I dont have much time today, but I will give it attention (if I get questions even @_@) this evening and tomorrow once I am at a computer. 

This is a no limits AMA. I dont tend to get embarrassed and words aren't anything more than used for expression. Just keep in mind, you will get an answer, or I may want the same from you 😈

Thanks for playing! I plan to get to everyone else's posts over the next day or two. 

Here is a freebie answer. 

For a long time I thought I could bring more to being a submissive. I stayed away from BDSM for a long, long time because I was unsure I could give what I really wanted. To be owned, prized, to be a slave.

Today I know that it is Slave 'tendencies' in my roster of what makes me a idealic submissive. But for the longest time...

Your pleasure is not my pleasure.

Your pleasure is my sanity.

Your pleasure is what clams my racing mind.

Your pleasure is what I need.

But your pleasure, is not my pleasure.

This was, and at times still is, hard for me to wrap my head around. Hard for me, in times of doubt, to feel like I am enough. I have since come to find balance and to know that being a submissive is not (all) about being enslaved. That I can expect pleasure and give my all to earn it. That I can step away from being all slave, but step into servitude; taking freedom from forfeit.

It has helped me find other things as well on my way. My love of Toy/Doll, Rope Bunny, Pet and other things that I can choose as my needs, instead of being confined to taking my pleasure from your pleasure.

This came up once again for me the other day. Similarly it has come up in the past. I scowled at the Dom who dared retort with "I let you give me blow jobs, because you like them so much", when I tried to explain my pleasure. Still in those days, I felt shamed afterwards, that a good submissive WOULD take pleasure from that pleasure, not need an exchange. That WAS the exchange. (Sub context for my past self: Fuck That Shit.) (Sub context for the reader: I love blow jobs. So of course I would feel like trash when I wasn't happy with this reward, or it was used on me in such a way that it was made to be my reward.)

Recently this came up once more. Not so much in words; and as usual, this case is so much different than my past. This case is what has enabled me to recognize the recognition I always had but never made sense of in that context. To analyze it, a new level of understanding. But more importantly: to see it with pride, instead of shame. All by myself, but thanks to someone allowing me that space.

"You got to orgasm"

That was the shame that ran through my head. In the same tone, same dismissal that I had learned in the past. Except... that conversation didn't happen. When I expressed my needs, that regardless of service, regardless of my perceived 'reward' I still needed my exchange, my pleasure. Because your pleasure is not my pleasure. Your pleasure is my Need. Still don't I deserve more?

Shame. Greed.

Who am I to deserve? Who am I to expect? Who am I to be greedy, to want more than what is given. These are things that made me feel like a lousy slave and thus, a lousy submissive. Until Today. (The other day... y'know how I work 😁) As clear as my profile "I will give you every physical and mental aspect you could hope for" but that is not my pleasure. There is a very clear "Exchange" there. I recognized it even back then. 

I am a slave to that Need. That Need expressed by everything that demands I always choose to obey: My sanity, My peace of mind, Your pleasure. They are my slave desires. They are my slave tendencies.

My submission is not that. My submission Needs attention. My submission is greedy... but only to the point of exchange; of "Good Girl" or "What a Good Slut You Have Been". And yes, sometimes that can mean a blow job, or an orgasm... but those things mean nothing if they are done without feeding my submission. They mean nothing when it is from a place of "My Pleasure is Your Pleasure"

There was a day that would have hurt me. Has hurt me. But today, with Sir holding me to a higher standard, for myself. That greedy isn't greed; and exchange is beautiful. Your Pleasure can exist outside of their pleasure. They can meet, they can dance, but they can thrive on their own, and you are entitled to the full enjoyment of your slave tendencies, while getting satisfaction and Need out of them, but also, in wanting more. Wanting to be filled in ways that are purely selfish. Perhaps you give satisfaction out of receiving them, but it can be inconsequential, and you don't have to let it narrate your navigation of who you are and how you belong to this lifestyle.

It is a pleasure to have you join me.
~Oracle