A Demi in Isolation

F- the laws that show our Flaws

They do not define me.

I refuse to live as a Statute.

F- the volume of your clause

That seeks to confine me.

I refuse to live in Destitute.

I Register as a Law-less F

And Repeal your motionless 

Substitute my common sense

To tell you to just F-off.

Instead I live in a Law-less state

Represent my own estate

Where F is not a subjugate

It stands alone and holds its weight

F is Freedom, F is Force

Not drowned out by a collective voice

Telling me to abide the Laws

That do shit all to approve my Flaws

Your Parliment can covenant

It's on Par with my malcontent

Your choice of me cannot con-gress

When my minds F is all pro-gress

And thus the 2 cannot compete

The whole ideal is obsolete

For F and Laws can't coexist

And therefor Flaws do not exist

This may come off a little strange. But, that is why I am here I suppose. 🤣 with all you lovely people 👾

I rely on BDSM to not belong. To not have the pressure of fitting into a box or an ideal. Of not having to be myself. Because I don't need to decide who I am. I have one choice to make. That choice is freedom. To choose to let Him, Sir, Wolfe, make all the choices and to let me feel true freedom, from even myself. 

There is a scene from a movie that, when it aired, hit me like a freight train. It was everything I was, everything I didn't think I needed. Every freaky, kinky, spiritual and released feeling I had ever had all combined into one. (And where I got my screen name) it is unorthodox, but it speaks to me on a Primal level. 

It is the Oracle scene from 300 (2006). The man scaling the mountain, the seer seeing all and yet nothing, at the mercy of men; yet in every way their superior. No choice, yet all that she is in all her glory.

(Edit, better video) 

I hope this doesn't hit a mark with anyone. This is probably the most "on the ball" I have been with topic of choice. And that actually terrifies me a bit. 

There is a reason for that though... and that is that I actually wrote this blog 6 months ago... and never posted it. I have since (today) added to it, with the help of all you lovely people.

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I often wonder if I am a jealous person. I have been cheated on in the past, normally once I can no longer provide that "emotional" support for my partner... not that it has anything to do with that, it is just the blame game they try and pull when they have gone searching for something more "exciting". That is neither here or there. My concern is,  am I jealous? I have said I am not a jealous person.  I wonder if that is true.  In figuring that out,  I need to outline what it looks like.  Is jealousy defined as the negative lashing out of accusation, or is it a simple discomfort with involuntarily forfeiting time spent with you in favor of another female? (Case sensitive)

Personally I see jealousy as the manifestation of a negative emotion. If there is no toxicity to it, I do not see it as jealousy... if I feel I am not the first option, perhaps that is more the lack of trust? I have been in relationships where a partner could be around any number of opposite sex, and I didn't care, I knew they were loyal. The caviat... I wasn't truly in love, never had been. I was content, we were happy, but in love? I had only known that once. Later. In that instance I was always jealous when he sought attention from other females. In the end, he cheated... so was I jealous because of love? Or because he didn't deserve my trust? He never put forth the action to make me confident he wasn't unfaithful. I have also been with a partner who has cheated, and I wasn't in love, again jealousy... it ended in cheating.

I have always been of the opinion (even in love) that what will happen cannot be avoided. Not so much a cheater will cheat, as my husband of 12 years only cheated at the end of it when he wanted out, not during our entire relationship. More so that no amount of my trying to fix things, us, or myself, would have kept him faithful. so I have never been overly emotional or irrational about it. So is it jealousy if it doesn't come with the volatility and negative emotion?

I wonder, because I do want to find that elusive combo, of loving someone and knowing they are loyal. And I dont know if I will be jealous when they engage with women, or if I will be proud that I know I can trust them. I know which I want... it is just hard to say I am not a jealous person, when I have been uncomfortable with it. I think it is within my right to not be comfortable with it, does that mean I have a right to be jealous. I just do not know. Maybe defining it, will help me categorize myself better...

-- 

This was written a long while ago. November 2020, By me. In a time where I wasn't sure I could be that elusive combo for my future partner, before I even had one. Coming from something where I had never been more offended. Where jealousy ruled my thoughts often, but also because a contract was broken and I had not fully healed. I felt like this was who I was now. This bitter, forever affected person, by something that had yes, happened to me in my past, but was also so fresh and so vehement... even if the mistrust and jealousy had only affected a few months of my entire life... and my first experience with love.

I could have told you that was true. For my first purposeful relationship I had soon thereafter, I had these feelings. Those awful feelings of an LDR where I would watch for that little star to light up... and wonder who my person could be talking to. Why they hadn't sent me a message. Why, once we had decided to be "more than friends" yet not quite dynamic based, yet understanding that we were monogamous, there could be a flash of activity, and I would be left wondering when the light went out. I was jealous. I was enveloped in that mentality, oh was I ever.

I did not act upon it. I recognized it for a while. I read the above "long while ago" beginnings of a blog often... but it was all too raw for me to want to speak on. I hadn't been able to step away and process it. So there it sat: staring me in the face and laughing as it tried to force the answer upon me. I was a jealous person.

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A brief intermission to shout out to everyone who is dealing with their issues, weaknesses, flaws in real time. Who post their struggles as they face them, exposing themselves to the raw emotions and letting us see the beauty in those words. That may never be me, not because I am not still raw today, but much like my above blog: It sat there, because to me, it was missing a component. You have helped me find that missing piece. Thank you and please don't let my story diminish anything you may be fighting with personally. My heart bleeds for you and your pain. 

-- 

Back to your regularly scheduled programing. Perhaps you know where I am going with this. Maybe not. I am with this same person today. I am not jealous today. There was a point where he stopped coming around here as often, so less inbox maintenance and relationship building, not only with the opposite sex, but with other submissives. Maybe that helped, but I am going to venture out and say it had nothing to do with that.

Reasonung: It has very much been a combination of exactly what I have posted above, in the before times. The answers were all right there. I say they were not complete, but they were. However my moment in time wasn't. I had to full circle back to it. I am not jealous of this man, whom I love. He has proven in every way that I, even in an LDR, where I couldn't possibly know where or what he is doing; this man who is around new women casually and builds relationships with them. I trust him in this regard fully. Not that I can change any action by my will... again, that exists above already, but I feel; I know, that I am not jealous. I have that same feeling back of knowing a man, who regardless of how many people he surrounds himself with, I am his only one. Plus we have a dark little secret that is kink, so y'know there is that. But even among my direct comparisons, I trust his loyalty. This time, with love.

I truly feel as though I have found what I needed to know back when I first had these insecurities, so much so I wrote the blog that never became. And I would not wish that insecurity on anyone. However, I would not wish those 3 people that were in my life (yes even the loyal loveless one) on any of them either.

In closing, perhaps your insecurity is coming from never having been exposed to different, to know what it feels like to differentiate jealousy, because you always needed to be jealous around them. I hope that my comparison can help a teensy little bit in knowing that when you find it and can see and feel what different is, you can know that this time around it will be different. I didn't the first time, so I am not asking that you do at my beckoning. But it isn't you, it was your situation.

Today, you fixed me. Thank you 

~Oracle 

I dont want this to be a thing. I do not want to reopen old wounds. I do not want to call a single person out, or even at this point, give anyone anything more to think about.

Yet, I must write this. I must move on. I must get my closure, for myself, and let the demons stop hounding me. For that I apologize in advance.

As of late, there have been many a post, pre and post mothers day, national health awareness month; about suicide, bullying and compassion. Compartmentalizing and defining each of these things. Honestly, my brain loves it. It loves seeing the lines. But I wrote something a while back that was a growth for me... and it seems that I was doing it an injustice by avoiding and relying on my old love of categories. Not that I dont still love when something can be defined, when it can be specific in its unemotional, and thus rational, logical, most basic definition; but I must also recognize, in an attempt to not take steps back, that it can't always be rational.

This mind set has done so much good in my world, in my embracing, and in my core understanding. I spoke about a guitar chord. Here https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=33502&postid=48523#comments (does that work? Whatever) A straight line from here to there. It is how I see emotions. What I am learning to see, is that when you pluck that chord, there is a colorful and invisible reverberation. That is emotion. It could be argued that is the purpose of the chord, not just to be from A-B, but to make invisible music, beauty, even if it takes understanding of something implied, when not seen. I mentioned that I was just learning this, because where once I could not see it, it seemed to me others, already had a firm grasp on the concept. I am seeing these last days, that possibly, they are also not fully in tune with it.

So here I am. Expressing what I have been processing. I don't get right into my intuitions, feelings, opinions; no ill will against those that do. I just get burned often when trying to express myself instantaneously, so I have conditioned myself to take things away, contemplate on them. Try and assemble thoughts in a recognizable pattern. There is that rational again, it will never be gone, it will always be my default, I merely try and balance or acknowledge it with the beauty of the music and emotion I see around me.

Enough about me.

There is a pattern I have noticed, and it relates to a far higher root cause or application than the debates of late over bullying, indecency, hate speech, racism; but also, self expression, culture, kindness through harsh truth and personal journey. The pattern I noticed is that everyone has decided that defense was their best offense.

This is not a positive thing. This is not how bridges are built and understanding is achieved. There were those Making demands behind a pretense of decency. Many outright calling people out and shaming them for having been shamed. Not without due cause. They had Every. Single. Right. This was not the everyone, I am sure there were examples that were missed or overshadowed. Every statement, then also argument came with a giant BUT! Attached to it. "I try and do this" or "I often do this" -BUT- "I shouldn't have to", "It is not my fault".

Each of these statements is true. Not your responsibility? absolutely. You get to live your best life? I hope you do. It is the delivery that has been nagging on me the last week, unable to process it, until I realized what it was. None of us (disregard of course, if you did manage to) took accountability for it. Why is that?

I have been really deep into this in a cultural term as of late, looking into my privilege where it comes to the difference between culture and race and understanding my right to my person and my thoughts and my feelings. It has also been thrown in my face that I have been insensitive, or accused of racism, or transphobia. But you know what? That is fine. I can take accountability for the fact that I said something that was perceived as transphobic, or racist, or bullying/misappropriation of Bipolar people (done that too) all in the last month!! Holy fucking hell!

But you know what I tried not to do in those situations? I tried not to defend myself. I tried not to be another biased voice behind my friends. I tried to own it. Do I have to feel ashamed about it? No. Will I? Nope. But I will acknowledge that I did it. I am not perfect, I may have even conditioned that acceptance with a big old -BUT-. Will I change? Not if I double down. Not if I come to my own defense and stand by the words that tumbled out of my mouth, or gather up my allies and build up my return fire and defend what I did or my rights to do them. Understand, I still maintain all my rights to not think I am a bully, a racist, an activist of hate, you won't ever convince me I am. At the same time, I can maintain that "oh shit, that may have been insensitive. My bad".

If you have read this far, and don't hate me yet or have blocked me, please know that this is not saying that a hostile response to a hostile accusation is not merited. Only that the cycle needs to be broken, or be forever doomed to repeat. I am also never saying that whatever happened in escalation, what ever behind the scenes condemnation happend that needed a defensive retaliation in response, was unmerited, it should have never been levied against you specifically. If someone comes for you and yours, it is purely balance to return the favor, own your space and stand your ground.

I merely think the first step to embracing the things you all, very apparently, want - that statement you all have said, before the -BUT- statement- is letting that wave crash against you. Showing it you are indisposable, but not immovable. For whatever reason, we tether all our worth to the follow up statement. "But I was justified because" and not the initial statement "Yes, I said that".

It reminds me of people arguing, when in reality, they agree on the same thing. Ever been there? Where you have been arguing with someone, only to find out, that you both agree on the outcome... but maybe not the ways to get there, and you have been spatting for no reason? It is convoluted, amusing... but still painful to watch (or recognize after the fact in my case).

It has saddened me, over the last week or two, to watch everyone defend their right to be defensive. I have even been trying to figure out if there is correlation, or root causes. This might be just another of those. But this is my blog, so I am pretty solid (now that I am writing it) that this is the reason that has most recently dawned on me, and thank goodness it has... because I was torn, I felt like two thoughts not coalesced... yet they seemed to want the same outcome.

I would never push anyone to take anything upon themselves, or explore anything they are not comfortable with. BUT (I am not immune) I do hope that there is reflection that comes out of all these threads. All this expression. That maybe we can all just take one thing we HAVE done, that we can take accountability for, that we possibly could have done better at. So we don't have to make threads or posts defending ourselves, but can instead embrace what we didn't know yesterday.

I personally found out a lot of people are having suicidal thoughts of late. That is not my fault, if they want to translate something I said as their cannon fodder... I dont even know what to think. But I also have a hug for you. But how will they know if all I was able to focus on was "I did nothing wrong". Heck... I have done 3 things wrong in this blog alone and 4 more in that scary real world today.

I didn't mean to reopen old wounds... I just process slower than most. I truly am a turtle. Maybe this is selfish of me, and I am doing the very thing I am asking not to do. I can understand that, I am also on a journey.

Thank you for crawling in thought with me.
~Oracle

Is it better to never have something, or to slowly watch it turn to ash as it disintegrates through your fingers and falls from your clutches?

I have high hopes for people. The human race, individuality and growth of self. Every person gets to create their own path and until they prove otherwise, I do my best to not let historical patterns create a bias in me. In other words, people tend to follow the same paths of the norm; I want to believe that isn’t true, in some beautiful cases it isn’t, in most though, it unfortunately is.

A series of short stories, that may explain better than I could otherwise.

Chronologically:

I worked in an entry level position. From my very first day, I could pick out (as most can easily) the older gentleman that was the runt of the litter (not physically). The one who got picked on by all the other employees. Who was demoralized on a daily basis. It crushed me to witness. I reached out to him. I treated him with respect, only publicly – I never reached out to him personally in retrospect, perhaps things could have been better… bad experiences with “private messaging” people in the real world, something I am about as comfortable with now, and thus, keep to myself or keep things public… tangent! Oh my! Anywho. What happened to this person? Well, He turned on me. I humbled myself to him, and he became my bully. He joined in with his attackers, reaching for that self worth from his very enemies, to join them in mocking me. What happened? I outranked them all before I left that job, and I am yards ahead of each of them today. If you know anything about office politics, this included the “team leaders” (I use that term in job title only) and supervisors. I mention this for no other reason than it supports my Thesis above and self reflection below.

Next. I was friends with a woman. Who deservedly worked hard for EVERYTHING she had achieved. She was a force, I told her as much. (In the way I do) again, from a purely business persona, we weren’t outside friends, just office acquaintances, mutual respect kind of thing. She was promoted to Manager from senior analyst (I got her s. analyst job, yay me!). Almost immediately, she lost her sense of purity from fulfilment and hard work, and it became apparent her motives were much more akin to entitlement than anything else. Was it warped, or just always her underlying desire, I wonder? I do not assume to know; it is irrelevant at that point, maybe not so much for her future. I no longer know her, so further assessment cannot be obtained.

My last example returns from a well adjusted, confident woman, back to one similar to my first example of those who are oppressed and bullied, finding their voice, but ultimately not knowing how to handle their newfound “success” and their all together fear of it being taken from them; or the skewed way in which people think they have to live up to ‘expectations’. This one was just too much for me to handle, because it happened on such a grand and stomach-turning scale. I hate to group a whole “type” of person, but really, if you have experienced it, you will likely point at your screen and scream “THAT!”. I speak of a “club” setting. The one I have here, was called Toastmasters International; specifically, people who have self confidence issues that reflects in public speaking. Similarly it is honestly replicated in so many of these “cliques”... yes BDSM too… actually… a lot. An entire group of people who are not really leaders in their own mind or reality, given “responsibility” over a task or in this case “others” who get a taste of power of influence and become some megalithic, awkward, hostile, representation of all that started pure and opportunistic (The positive rendition of this term – not negative).

Long, I know. (This is about your half way mark. 5 Points to SLYTHERIN!)

I am hoping that it makes sense to some of you. I know it likely won’t to ones already lost to the chorus of fanatical approval. I spoke about my best friend recently (what even is ‘recent’?) who was so lost in her ex-husbands manipulations and degradations, but at the same time… has SUCH an EGO about her. Why? Because the moment someone tells her she is “awesome” (I do. That IS important – she needs to hear it… what she does with it is the problem) it goes straight to her head and she depends on that validation. This is not new, it exists everywhere in the Instagram’s, the forums and the tiktoks. Do I hate her for it? Hell no! I still love her. I am just blunt and honest. But guess what… I don’t hate these people either. It is just hard to watch them struggle, watch them take this light and steal its energy in a selfish way, instead of giving back to it or use it the way it was intended to be used.

It just seems like a dangerous cycle. We rise up and vehemently run out those who are overbearing because where THEY once were the open minded and supported discussion, are now only self-righteous authorities who cannot be anything less than the “experts”, for what ever the reason. Who then only allow conversation in favor of their judgement and direction to exist. Then AFTER, we have successfully run out these “lost souls” they are replaced with new visionaries, with new pure desires. And the cycle repeats. The pattern persists. Petulant and defensive about their perceived “Status” whether it exists or not.

I am not denying them their expertise. I will never deny they have interesting, wonderful and inspiring things to say on matters they have adopted. But some switch flips and they start coming out to ‘correct’ discussions or push agendas and objectifications that support their ‘prophecy’. It is the unwavering, overbearing way in which they build their circles and feed their biases and ego that is a slow descent into loss of the original sentiment: The leader, teacher, nurturer, or my favorite: Learner. I won’t go into how people also learn for the wrong reasons… so they can regurgitate it, not so they can be humbled about not actually being the expert in anything… I kind of did. BUT THAT IS IT! Not chasing that white hare.

I make no claims that happens ONLY for the reasons I stated. I welcome your opinion on other potential reasons for nothing but good intentions, to go so wrong. It saddens me, but I hold out; and hold on to benefit of the doubt. Because the few outweigh the many. I have seen them, they are beautiful. I salute you, I bow to you, and I commend you.  (Maybe one day I wont be such a cynic and dedicate a whole post to your wonderful values and how your small flicker of light can vanquish so much of the darkness around us.)

The moral is:

In my life, I have come across people with good intentions, or at least, a desire to be thought of as “experts”. Be it because they want to be seen as a nurturer, teacher, leader. However possibly maybe just for the likes, reverence, or attention. I never claim to know their true intentions, just as in the beginning, I grant people the benefit of the pure side of the spectrum. Notice how each potentially positive desire can have an equally negative potential outcome? This is the fabric, I find, of this desire: let’s call it “Purist Syndrome”. The thing is, if you aren’t used to it… it can blind side you. There is a reason management is not for the faint of heart. It is the reason so many succumb to the stress and pressure of leading. How positions of power ACTUALLY change people. It is not suited for everyone. That statement is not a finality, anyone CAN get there. Some just jump in without actually being ready for it, then the greed and possession and inflation warp their views and prevent them from stepping out.

If that interests you. You can read more about the “Peter Principle” related in an unrelated way. https://www.investopedia.com/terms/p/peter-principle.asp#:~:text=The%20Peter%20Principle%20is%20an,a%20level%20of%20respective%20incompetence 

Side note: KUDOS to those of you who have had the courage and insight to tether yourselves and take purposeful steps back in life – you are my unsung heroes and you are stronger than most! Stronger than I.

A little about my methods: How I think I fit into this pattern.

I do not often comment on blogs or forums that resonate with me. I do not tend to express my support, I do not (often) feel like I need to. This thought process is supported by the fact that regularly, when I am in support of something and try to encourage, it just falls flat or is misconstrued… maybe it is because people are naturally looking for a fight, or maybe it is because of the very reasons I stated earlier.

Don’t have more, more, than the original more-er.

To the complete opposite, I almost cannot help myself when I have questions about something (disagree, am inquiring, debating or testing theories) and this is where I tend to comment, (or here we are… writing a blog) it is a point of growth for myself, to learn something. Otherwise, if I resonate with it, I do not tend to need to write about it. This explains my absence as of late, I am so comfortable with things, life, paths forward (even though I am only just in the eye of the storm and uncertainty is still my every waking moment) that I do not need to ask questions aloud. I (feel that) my blog is asking questions, rolling around thoughts in my mind and asking for feedback. I love my blog for this purpose. Heck… even looking back at it, the only few self reflections that I *actually* hang my hat on (alpha submissive being one that comes to mind) I DIDN’T even WRITE MYSELF!   I (with permission) reposted them. There are others, I am sure. The point remains, mostly I write when I am analyzing, or needing answers, or am rolling around a potential solution in my own minds eye and want that feedback that could alter my perspective… Where was I going with this?

Oh yes! I like to think I am cognizant of humility and checking my ego, of not being the smartest person in the room. Because I have experienced, felt, witnessed and shaken my head at the ones who are so close to holding that power in their hands, but ultimately fall short as the spark warps and consumes them, turning them into the very thing they swore they opposed… or maybe they never opposed that. Maybe it was their want all along. I was just too hopeful that they would use their powers for good, instead of selfish, self-absorbed, protective of only those they ‘approve’ of (there are also fun patterns there too!... another blog – won’t be writing it). Instead of being the beacon of purity, selfless nurturing, teaching and leading.

This has changed nothing. You have done nothing more than become the very thing you set out to destroy. (Dramatic conclusion much?)

Happy Drama Friday Everyone. It is a thing (also up for debate – Full moons!). Patterns abound!!

Also, disclosure, this is not a call out. I am sure it resonates with a few people. I would just say… maybe that is a good thing, self-evaluation is good. If you are questioning it, then I am not talking about you. Which makes this blog completely redundant! But maybe the ‘us-es” can have a little fun with it. 

PHEW! This was a long one. Thanks for being here with me on another conFUSED Friday. 

~Oracle

Good day everyone, 

Just a little, random blurb about what I have been up to. More superficial than most of my posts. 

I usually like to post every week or so, I realize it has been a month! It has been a rough month for me. So I wanted to jump in, say hello, before I am swept up back into life. Things are good... things are GREAT. I am just pulled in so many different directions with work and school, finals and travel, solidifying large contracts and planning a potential move... even among covid (If it could go away now, that would be helpful) 

I have had no inspiration to write, or even visit my inner monologue. Though I continue to analyze the world around me, my feelings and my submission, I have no time to give the patience needed to the writings I have, or the new things I am learning. I was on the road for 4 weeks, living with my parents for 2 and a half. I can say... that I have never felt like less of an human being, than when I am staying with my parents and can't even butter my own toast!... can you possibly understand now where my headspace could have been. 

Wolfe and I are doing good, he is good, I am good. Though distance makes everything hard. I do not think either of us are made for the lack of touch. Missing that deep connection that we have in word, but are missing in proximity is hard on us both, of course I do not presume to speak for him, so I will leave it at that. 

This funny thing happens when I travel, especially for work. I forget myself, I forget the things that are important to me: like sanity, composure. I tend to put my head down and lose myself in focus. Not that it is a bad thing, I got some life changing things done for myself, my work flourished. But as I do, I lost myself a little in the process, and with no one to tether me, I miss routines, miss communications, miss checking in. I am still learning the balance of life; of juggling two things that are the most important to me, in different ways. Throw in family that I haven't seen in 2 years, the forced extroversion I have to endure as part of the trip and a packed schedule, and you may understand when I tell you that our normal took a hit, that I did undeniably fail in certain areas, and that there were some rough moments that neither of us knew how to navigate. 

I am home now, finally. Back to normal, back to my life, not to just existing in someone else's; but I still have a very busy month of April. It should all prove to be worth it on the other side. These are just moments in time, and who I am, what I have, what I am building and who I am travelling it with will rise above it, stay strong, and always be there when the moment has passed. 

I miss you all, Hope you are also well. 

~Oracle 

What does it mean to need someone in your life? I have few, like 2 or 3 few, close friends, so I am asking. I do not like the female thought process.  Now before you get offended... have you forgot that I am also a female. I dont dislike my gender, I respect women and our world is better with them in it. They contribute in amazing and passionate way. I, however, am a business minded and analytical thinker,  I play video games in my spare time and prefer to have philosophical conversations over things of personal importance.  I do not like humanistic interactions (psychological term here: https://examples.yourdictionary.com/examples-of-humanistic-perspective.html ) with friends, so I have few, I understand this. 

Even more so, I have very few male friends. If the reason isn't obvious, allow me to further trigger you. I am an attractive female, most men (heterosexual, bi or other) want to talk to people and at least think in their mind that they could be attracted to this person, that they could "Win" some affection for their own self gratuity. That it is worth talking to them because "Hey who knows". I loathe relationships where someone is using me for their internal monologue. I do not consent.  My Demi mind finds you vulgar. 

Now that we have a little context on why I choose to not have much of a circle, I can move into the topic on my mind.

Needing someone in your life. 

I find it unfortunate that we can't need someone in our lives for what they bring, but only what they bring. So much has gotten skewed, misconstrued,  that we need much from everyone, and as soon as they start providing us that one something we sought them out for, we want to start offering them other things, things that maybe they didn't ask for; or maybe we assumed they wanted.

I am talking sex. Why is sex and physicality the one thing we think needs to be sprinkled on everything? The MSG of life. When did our physical reactions become so uncontrollable that as soon as we start respecting someone, getting connected to them, start talking about sex, it becomes something we just can't help but want to add? Or expect?

"Well, what a great hockey game and you made such good food and we laughed for like an hour... we should do the sex now"

WHAT? WHY?!

I am monogamous, I am just reminding readers, because it might get a little biased here. If you know me, and I know you,  you will know this is not an a attack; but I am nothing if not overly sensitive to my complete lack of sensitivity... I wonder why poly need different experiences from all their partners, but then still sexualize it all. Couldn't it just be you need this from one, that from another... but why do you need to sprinkle sex everywhere? Why does having a friend who is like a mother to you,  now make you non-monoganist? Because when it gets there and you feel super emotional,  you want to turn it into a sexual atmosphere? Why? Because you can? When did a correlation from feeling good, loved, cherished, become sexualized? I know you are probably saying "With Freud, duh", but shouldn't that be, in itself, a reason to know you don't have to "catch arousing feelings" from every feeling you catch. That things can exist outside "Let's sprinkle some sex on here" spoiler, it usually isn't even that good. Fantasy, meet Reality... that's another blog. 

That is something I envy about Asexual people, being Demi, I have some of it, that I really have no problem being held, touched, loved, non sexually. I may (or may not be) autistic,  so if sex was never part of what I needed from you initially,  it will never turn into that.  Part of the reason I like contracts so much: everything started, we are exactly where we want to be without a surprise moment of sexual tension. Why is the physicality of it always combined with the sexual component? "Oh, I must need to give this person, or add them to the list of Boneables because my arousal somatic system says so."

It stops me in my tracks from meeting people. I rarely meet people that wouldn't be "open" to sleeping with me... and it prevents me from even engaging. Even when things start as just 2 people... Women or Men. Maybe it is empath, maybe it is what some "free birds" would call "natural" and I am just vehemently denying who I was "meant to be". Either way, it saddens me that I both avoid people for the inevitable miscaracterization of what you mean to me, or put time into something and can't be at my best because I am constantly waiting for the shoe to drop.

I will close by saying I do not want to not be who I am. (Mouthful of double negatives, you're welcome) I am eternally fulfilled with one person whom I give all. I believe you can be yourself,  if you aren't today,  then someday; I just have my moments where I am plagued by wanting to reach out to someone, let them know they resonated with me in some way. Imagine how amazing they are as people and what their life must look like,  but I indefinitely hesitate, I have been trained to, because my presence is either not enough, or to much... and it has time and time again morphed into wanting something that was never on the table, creating havoc in my world as I try and mitigate something that I never wanted to promote in others. Trying to navigate deniable subtleties. Call it anxiety, incorrect assumptions, but you can't fool me.

I suppose I am getting better and better at communicating that with people. I just suppose I still do not understand why people feel the need to need more than they ever needed from one particular person and why that has to always evolve to thinking a sexual addition, or any addition, is the answer. 

If my ramblings leave you with anything, I want you to know, if you have never heard from me aside from comments, that I think what you offer today is enough. I think you are such a collection of interesting and awe inspiring things,  I just can't tell you that, because I don't want everything else, I just Need that part of You in My Life.

~Oracle 

I am the most independent person you will meet. I am extremely introverted, I am a nerd for science and math, and I love philosophy. Wrong does not exist in my world and I would consider myself an 11/10, a Unicorn if you will... though not the kink unicorn we come across here.

*Breath* OKAY! Self glorification out of the way, now that people who don't want to read this have feverishly hit the back space button and are gone. On with the Topic!

Why do you Discredit the Experts?

Why don't we give experts credit? Exactly like my first paragraph denotes, why do I have to think I am special? Where did this come from? When did the mentality of disregarding "classifications" become the hip (are the people still saying that?) thing to do? There is so much pushback on being "labelled" Where only through denying where you might land classificationally, do you fine value.

I am swarmed with terminology... I thought Math was rough. Between "amarous", "Pet", "Demi-sexual" "Sapio-sexual" "Bisexual" "Gentleman" "Daddy" all different and ever expanding ways to classify our preferences. Yet people seem to practice avoidance with "stereotypes" let's call them that, it saves me from having to write a transition paragraph.

These things aren't meant to lock you down, make you act a certain way. You still get to be you, when you are wearing your favorite shoes, a dress, that adorable hair clip. That is fashion babay! Same with these things. They are created to allow you to be exactly who you want to be. Why are we all being that child that turns up their nose to the mushed, "pre-chewed" peas like we need something better?

We need to give more credence to the Masters that created these things. That LIVED them, and felt passionate enough about them to inflect on them, to write them down and pass them along, so that maybe the rest of us wouldn't have to be in the dark stone age trying to figure it out for ourselves, so we could reap the benefits sooner.

Be the Submissive>Alpha>Pet>Primal>Toy>Slave you were meant to be! but don't go denying all of this amazing information to you subconscious because you need to be a piece of paper folded exactly 8 times then cut in fancy geometric directions. (Get it? 😆) there is so much insight and internalizing and self exploration done by those before you, take what they have to say to heart. Elaborate on it if you must, that is how we get further clarity, but don't outright deny that you are a making of things that already exists in this world, that always have. Just maybe the world wasn't ready to accept them for whatever socioeconomic or political reason.

We live in an amazing time, it could be better. An amazing place, some could be better. But we are getting there and are further than we have ever been. We absolutely did not get here by digging our heels in and refusing to admit what we are, or who those around us are or get to be... so why are we doing that to ourselves?

You prevent growth when you deny what already exists around you.

Also... unrelated. I fear I may have alienated some people around here trying to start debates, or just through ignorance. So to those people, I am sorry. It was never my intent, but I fear may have been what I caused. will stay away from the forums for a while and go back to the experts and observing, instead of offending people with my questions and aggressive misunderstandings.

Thank you for allowing me to be here.
~Oracle

Hello Cage! I thought the title of this was fitting, because for anyone who may have read my profile, you might come across a section where at one point, I may have been very pleased to be stuck in the middle of two men. 😆. This is not that post.

Instead, this is a story I have for you of some journeys I have been on, of two people I had talked to, who on the surface seemed the same, but could not have turned out more different.

I believe seeing both sides of things is how we learn. Not by comparing two things, but by observing how they may start on similar routes, and could end up so far apart by the end. It is quite interesting to me. Almost to the point I could make this a two part, or a series even! But I do not think I will do that... who knows, my mind is my boss sometimes and does what it wants. Disclosure, this is not graphic, or rated X, or what you are thinking!! Lol.

How I Found Myself between 2 Poly-Men

It hasn't been long since I started my journey here. 3 years, technically, just over a year interactively, and too long for my old soul spiritually. It is more the 'interactively' that I will talk about today. When I started slowly opening myself up to others, to see how I might interact with them, how what I was looking for might meld into what others expected or were similarly looking for.

I have said it a few times, I did encounter that most of the heterosexual, Dominant men I was looking for, in my age category, seemed to be looking for a poly lifestyle. Many of them, I considered looking for poly because they were just out of a long marriage, "saddled" if you were (not unlike myself) and were now out looking to "sow their wild oats" and have as many girlfriends as they: strong, masculine, manly men, thought they were entitled to. Sorry if that was offensive to you, I did encounter them, mostly them.

On the other side, I had the pleasure of encountering a few polyamorous men who seemed to know what they wanted. The caviat to this, is that this story is about two I talked with, but when I talked with them, none of the three of us (only me and 1 at a time... sheesh, kinksters.) Knew they 'might be' poly, or wanting to be. That is where I got to watch them unfold, and into the paths they have today.

Only one I met in person. It was all still very new to me, I enjoyed my time. We talked and coupled as a monogamous couple would. It was all very wonderful in reinforcing I was on the right path. We talked about the future and life goals, past successes and idealized lifestyle. Long story short, we were not compatible on what we each wanted, the path he wanted to take us on, was not one I wanted for myself, again, still monogamous, just unrealistic in my opinion. Basic, common interest differences. Poly was not brought up at all, yet together was, monogamy was.

The next fine gentleman I had the pleasure of meeting, again, we met under context of monogamy. I was new, but I knew what I wanted,  I was not entertaining polygamist Doms who wanted multiple female submissives, but their submissives only got one Dom. It is my dynamic style, not a judgment. Though today, I do recommend anyone with this mindset look into some amazing poly activists(who can be found right here on the cage) who speak of poly relationships and D/s not necessarily belonging together. That it is its own collective, not necessarily the D/s of BDSM, though can fall into the Master/slave (if that is what you think SM stands for) 

We spoke, and very quickly,  we both got to the topic of polygamy. I got to learn so much about the attunement and the mindset behind the preference. Reaffirming it is not something I am after, on multiple levels. We decided not to meet (it did mean potentially moving across the country). Though we both thought we could make monogamy work (one sided opinion - I can't be sure what he actually thought, even if I did ask specifically). I couldn't have the long term potential that I needed to be sure of. All of the foundational stuff aside,  he would have been great to learn with, and play with. But, as if foundation isn't everything I stand on and for,  it wasn't enough. 

Today, not that I am intimately present in either of their lives, or they in mine,  it seems like they are doing well,  thriving,  prospering.  Everything from here on out is my own assumptions, creative exercise and inference. Like a dream, that takes what you have seen and builds it into a potential future occurrence (deja vu, anyone?) They are both now on their poly journey; One having embraced it fully, the other, I feel, still struggling. (You can also tell it is opinionated... because it gets strangely emotional for my rational-based posts. ENJOY!)

Let me explain why.

I gave each of these people a place to speak without judgment, where they could express their thoughts and validate their ideas. Where one ended up, seems no where close to what we talked about, the future we envisioned as an ideal life goal. Nearly everything that was spoken about, has changed, become the opposite even in many capacities. This over months, mind you, not years.

The other, has put work into his poly preference, we spoke the other week about how happy he has become (aside from damn covid things) with finally deciding to "double down" ... omg... I just realized the amazing pun in that!! Poly=double down!! Ahaha. No I am not changing it!. Anyways, double down on his lifestyle choice and commit to it full time. As I said when we started speaking, they too thought me, as a monogamist, could provide for the other, the way we needed, should it come to needing that.

In both of these circumstances I am thrilled that I did not press the issue.

A- would have had to wait longer for my Sir. But B- I feel as though in each of these situations, we were all willing enough to stick with it, put in some work to see where it could go. Ignoring these fundamental things. I am not denying that people's core values change. I won't go so far as to say that I could have been okay with polygamy, or they with monogamy, but I won't write it off. That way of thinking will do no good when the Egyptian God Aliens, whom I do not believe in today, return and my open-mindedness is put to the test. You just never know. But I am very much not okay with it today. They weren't either it seemed. Contrast to what they said.

What I do know, is that people don't always know what they want, today even. It could have been disastrous. Time wasting to explore these things with people who still had to grow, and not in a complimentary way. It is interesting to watch, a little unnerving to think about what I could have been dealing with, listening and believing in underdeveloped ideas with no basis in truth, willingly or unwillingly. Am I allowed to be emotionally hurt that these people could have sucked me into their own lies? Part of me is, part of me wants to challenge people so they are sure of what the fuck they are saying, because playing with MY emotions is NOT okay. The empath in me screams that it is not okay for you to do that to someone else either! ... different blog... I feel better, TY. 

There is a conversation to be had, I wont sugar coat it, of if one was just saying these things for his own grandiose reasons, or purely because it is what he interpreted it is what I needed to hear (that did not work) and that would explain how actions only months later, look so much different that the words spoken. In a way, I don't denounce that, but I am still idealistic enough in my cynicism to think that perhaps he was portraying a desire, not a possibility. I don't doubt he wanted the things he spoke of...but for how long, to fulfill what fantasy? I do my best not to coerce people, though I do give my opinion and sometimes it takes a strong will to not be intimidated or cater to my wants. I do present my arguments with validity (or so I try) anyways. I have been subject to being a part of someone's desires, when there is no possibility of that person ever meeting their own expectations, for one reason or another, but mostly, because they are not where they want to be in life. The trap of being with someone reactive, and not proactive. Different blog.(So many bloggssss ((That will likely never be written)) <--- that's right, I just mathed this bitch with double parentheses. 

Likely, the reason for the change, is they are still looking, seeing what fits, or still just casting nets out into the water to see what comes to the surface. For me, it seems like putting a delay on things and untruthful to partners, it seemed like it would have been at my expense. That is okay though, right? We tell people all the time, "It is your journey, it is okay to not be today, where someone else is". Is it though? Is it okay to toy with someone because you are figuring yourself out? Just thinking out loud... pardon me while I shove that pain of just being a means to an end, back down into it's box. Okay, Better. 

Today, however, it seems like they have moved in totally different directions. One, whose path seems clear, the other, who is still wandering in the fog, feet in the lake, reeling in his most recent net. Two people starting from relatively the same marker, me, having the privilege to witness it and seeing how they have handled it so differently. My ramble above is not that I am not happy for seeing them change and grow, just of my throw away part in it. It doesn't belong here, this is a positive post about how interesting it was to see. That circumvents my emotions, pretty much every time. 

I am in no way saying that these two people are anything alike. That their lives to this point have not been entirely different from each other. Literally the only thing that connects these two people is the moment in time they each came into my life, wanting the same thing, or convincing themselves they did, only to realize that it was nothing like what they wanted.

It is such a "spec in the universe" feeling to think about. Being just a blip experience, connecting two people who will never know each other, but tying them together in the most insignificant ways.

So in parting. I hoped you enjoyed my little bipolar story with no point, where I emotionally vomitted in the midst of a neat story... at least I won't need that other blog now. LMAO. Hopefully this is just some insight from whatever perspective you see it from. To leave you with a few words:

Flower petals grow towards the sun, roots grow in the opposite direction.

Thank you for being here
~Oracle

I love change! I love watching it, love seeing people live revalation (not the biblical sense) and evolving. I can practically see the room full of neurons lighting up as Joy and purpose finally spark true in someone. When two pieces that have never connected before do, and the fireworks of energy explodes. It is a whole body experience, one I search for often. Almost like a drug.

So why then are people defensive about it? If it truly is as miraculous as it seems, why do people protect it with so much hostility? You have finally figured out that key that unlocks the door. Shouldnt you want to hang it on the fridge and glory in its presence? But instead, people cradle it in their arms, sheltering it from the abuse of the world. Protecting the newness of it? You understand a newborn can't understand hatred, malice or ignorance yet, right? 

Maybe they just want to hold it for a little longer. I can understand that. Just want to bask in the glow, before they have to subject it to scrutiny. Maybe in that aspect... I am not empathetic enough, even though I get it, it is just not who I am.

How do I know that my pasta is perfect? I chuck it at the mf-ing wall! (I know that is an old wives tale, bear with me... also... I KNOW you do not want to do this to newborns... though I was talking about new born ideas... not babies... eesh) so when I see an idea that is life changing: that brings a new piece of someone out in all their glory! I want to make it shine brighter. Does a Smith simply leave an unpolished masterpiece of woven metal and fire? Nope, he polishes the shit out of it... then he proceeds to chop everything he can get his hands on in half. He really puts that thing through the ringer,  looking for chips and cracks that could mean his work is not quite done.

Maybe you want your revelation to sit on a shelf and everyone to look at it and be happy for you. If that is your prerogative, I am not here to take that joy from you. But there is another level to this joy that I want for you. I want you to know that piece on your mantle has stood the tests of time, whatever you can throw at it. Is practical AND beautiful. That combination is heady; spiritually resounding. It will fill you with so much pride and purpose that a shiny, useless achievement, never will. I want that for you.

And so, I ask questions. Questions you may be too sensitive to hear, or unprepared to answer. Questions, that at some point, someone invalidated and made you think your answer may be wrong. Questions, you may know will lead your light for the subject to dim, and in the moment you want nothing more than to enjoy the light you have created. Each one of these is yours to decide. I am merely saying you showed it to me, I am proud of you, but I want more in my empathy, in my kindness, than to pretend it is all that it could be.

Maybe you are happy living this level of completeness, but one day you may take that thing off your wall and need it in practical use... and it might fail you, because you weren't prepared for the day you needed to rely on it, because everyone around you told you it was anything but superficial. That your work was done. It wasn't. 

This is just my opinion. I have never told someone they are wrong. I have just made them feel wrong. My fault I suppose. Questioning someone's question. Not allowing them to have their theory and not test it against other theories. Because you have to contend with defensiveness and ego; dissonance and entitlement.

Some would call it confrontational. I disagree (wait... crap). Not everything skeptical is confrontation. Emotion vrs Inquiry is the main difference I see. Some people will just project and feel like every doubtful engagement is a personal attack. Some can go a little longer before feeling like they are being invalidated and their opinion is not being respected. There is a switch that flips, when things dissolve on one side or the other into emotional attacks or biases that become the focus and not the original statements. Paragraphs that argue one point over all others presented. It will happen eventually, if from nothing else than fatigue... but usually it is something more personal.

I am sorry that many feel the need to protect their ideals so deniably, instead of letting their mind be changed, or being wrong. Quite the trend lately, it is a little dissapointing. I thought I was coming to a place where all the ways I was wrong wouldn't matter, because I could be proud of who I am, in all my wrongness... but there are still just as many people here with even more conviction about their "right to be right"

... awe, now I have made myself sad. Oh well. I will likely always be this person who seeks honest conversation and the possibility to be wrong and enlightened for the right reasons. Effectively making both words meaningless in the process. I have been lucky enough to have both in my life recently and I do see the light through the storms. Thank you to everyone that works so hard to stand proud every day. 

To the Moon and Back

~Oracle