The Muse

Well... look... *spits orange fluff from mouth*

I must explain before I dive into this story that I love faeries.  I collect them ... I lived them... breathed them in... filled my shelves with their books and my walls with their images.  Brian Froud is my favorite artist for that reason.  

Naturally, every year for Halloween, I’d dress as a faerie.  

After leaving school, I wanted to make this particular costume very special as it would be worn to work AND to a party.

I spent a great deal of time and attention crafting the wings out of wire coat hangers and nylons.  I had plenty of glitter to go around of course.

Now... I really don’t drink much... but back then... I was crazy.  Out of control. Not really an alcoholic but definitely sowing my wild oats.  

I knew what I could get away with. My sister was the alcoholic.  I was the “good” girl... but also the ignored girl... left to her own devices.

—I only ever got in trouble for being caught having sex with my boyfriend, and our parents... to open communication... decided to have a dinner... all of us together in his home. After dessert... He and I snuck up to his bedroom where he instructed me on the finer points of fellatio. All the while our parents were laughing and joking a floor below us.(I’m a little off track here).—

Now. My bestie invited me to this party at her boyfriend’s sister’s house. Parties thrown at this house were known to be quite legendary.  I expected no less with Halloween.  

There was going to be an open bar and a keg.  They had an ice shooter set up in the back yard.  I don’t know if that’s the name of the contraption because in my alcohol daze ... all I could see was this glowing block of ice... twice my size, on a raised platform.  It was carved to allow a person to pour a spirited beverage down the ice slide.. into the waiting mouths of the drunken masses.  

I could not tell you if I tried it.  I remember walking around it... but there are holes in that night for me.

I swear I had one drink... it just happened to change colors throughout the night! 

I was somehow coupled with a guy that was so tall, I could stare deeply into his naval. I don’t remember his name or anything else about him. I don’t even remember kissing him but I know that had to look hilarious.  There was some point that I got mad at the guy and stormed away ... my little angered faerie self.  By that time my wings had sagged considerably.

After a night of hugging the toilet (my vomit was blue!).  I woke up on the couch with this long-fellow... I guess I forgave him...and then I saw my wings. They were unrecognizable. A crumpled mass of nylon, wire, and shame.

I think I stayed drunk that whole next day.

Im just trying to read and respond and my kitty keeps jumping on my chest with a fierce expression... purrs loudly in my face—- massages my boobs—- offers me a close view of his little orange kitty behind, then springs off my chest like something bit him. He has done this 5 times now this morning.

I Want You Now by Depeche Mode

lyrics by Martin Gore

I want you now
Tomorrow won't do
There's a yearning inside
And it's showing through
Reach out your hands
And accept my love
We've waited for too long
Enough is enough
I want you now
My heart is aching
My body is burning
My hands are shaking
My head is turning
You understand
It's so easy to choose
We've got time to kill
We've got nothing to lose
I want you now
And I don't mean to sound
Like one of the boys
That's now what I'm trying to do
I don't want to be
Like one of the boys
I just want you now
Because I've got a love
A love that won't wait
A love that is growing
And it's getting late
Do you know what it means
To be left this way
When everyone's gone
And the feelings they stay
I want you now

This... I have had to say over and over; every time my work place fires and hires a resident care director (RCD).  It happens a lot! 

I had to stay past our meeting Tuesday morning and I was using the RCD’s office to chart on a resident who had been found on the floor right at shift change.  (Because it is an unwritten law that all falls must happen right when it’s time to leave.)

My RCD leaned forward across her desk and was asking about my dreads, and I explained I was excited because I had not had the chance to go dancing since I had them put in.

She then asked where I went dancing and what kind of dancing I do.

Well... first I will tell you you all I have been belly dancing for over 20 years. When I go dancing I combine my belly dancing with modern club moves and Goth style. It’s great fun!

She comes at me with, “Do you strip?”

This... coming from my boss... I about fell out of my chair laughing. 

I also had to explain to her what “Goth” was. 

For the record... No. I do not strip.

Or do ALL ginger cats have to sit in your lap when you use the restroom? 

Some time had passed since I had left school and I was working at a small candy kiosk in the middle of Sears. I had a night off and I was bored so I decided that I was going to see what my hair would look like if I colored it blue. I didn’t have any real hair products that would emulate the results I desired … so I found some blue food coloring. It works on Easter eggs… right?

Sooo shortly there after… I had blue hair.

Minding my own business, probably playing my Nintendo or something… I received a call from one of my besties. She was going out on a date with her boyfriend and they had an extra who needed a date. I fiddled with my hair briefly and choked out a weak, “Yeah, okay.” And I agreed to meet them at Denny’s.

He wasn’t bad looking. In fact, he had incredible eyes and shoulders. He did his best to make light, comfortable conversation. I don’t recall my own conversation skills at the time but they couldn’t have been that great. I’m shy now… but back then … I was an anxious mess of self doubt. At the time I was preoccupied with being self conscious about my blue hair.

After Denny’s, we decided to go wandering through the woods in the middle of the night. We found a nice secluded spot and engaged in a cut-throat game of Truth or Dare. My bestie knew I was never going to make any move on the date so, of course, she had to dare him to kiss me.

Just then… it began to rain. Now… remember… my hair has food coloring in it.

By the time we emerged from the woods, it was 4AM… and both myself and my date looked like a couple of Andorians without the antennas.

I just have to say… food coloring washes out easily from hair… off of skin, not so much. My poor date had to be at work at 6.

My senior year of high school was romantically wasted on a relationship with a guy who was very needy and clingy. I stupidly agreed to get engaged to him. Luckily it went no further than that! He was a nice guy. He had great taste in music. He was very smart and funny…

BUT…

Extremely insecure. He also suffered some sort of psycho somatic issue or was just addicted to Diazepam. Our best dates were spent in the ER.

Now… In high school, I had always been a concert goer… a “groupie” if you will (although I really hate that label). My fiancé refused to go to any shows with me because he complained of ringing in his ears. The times I decided to go without him, he would call my mom and ask her exactly what I was wearing and then the entire time I was at the show he would also call my mom crying; convinced I was going to break up with him. Sometimes he’d be waiting for me when I got home and he’d be so upset he would puke.

I cannot fathom why I followed this boy to college… but I did. It lasted three weeks. I lost a dear friend to pneumonia and the boy got upset when I went to her wake instead of spending time with him. That was the last straw. I left school and the guy and never looked back. I don’t think I even shed a tear.

After dodging that toxic coupling… I went a bit crazy… Not bat shit crazy … but “keg party” crazy. Between the time I left school and joined the Army (a span of 6 months), I dated quite a few guys and went to my share of wild parties. I packed it all in. Bear in mind… I am NOT a social butterfly … but damn. That six months felt a lot longer than it was. Many adventures were had…

Let the biscuits begin!

...and I really really need to.

I work tonight... I have an exciting job interview tomorrow... It’s for a group home, working with disabled adults.

I have less than a week before I have to have surgery. 

So many crazy things going on!

My kitty has no trouble sleeping. 

*sigh*

I should play Pokémon Go... that used to put me right to sleep.  I’d use up one of my little incense thingies ‘cause I’d be layin in bed and not even 5 minutes into my 20 minute timer... I’d be nodding off!  

I need help.