It's All Relevant

Lukas Nelson & Promise of the Real Cover CSN’s “Carry On” Live in Howard’s Studio

One morning I woke up and I knew you were really gone.

A new day, a new way, and new eyes to see the dawn.
Go your way, I'll go mine and carry on.

The sky is clearing and the night has cried enough.
The sun, he comes, the world to soften up.
Rejoice, rejoice, we have no choice but to carry on.

The fortunes of fables are able to sing the song.
Now witness the quickness with which we get along.
To sing the blues you've got to live the dues and carry on.

Carry on, love is coming, love is coming to us all.

Where are you going now, my love? Where will you be tomorrow?
Will you bring me happiness? Will you bring me sorrow?
All the questions of a thousand dreams, what you do and what you see,
Lover, can you talk to me?

Girl, when I was on my own, chasing you down,
what was it made you run, trying your best to get around?
The questions of a thousand dreams, what you do and what you see,
Lover, can you talk to me?

Carry On. Love is coming to us all.

In dominant-submissive relationships, the dynamics between partners can often involve correction and discipline. However, one practice that must come under scrutiny is the use of the silent treatment as a means of punishment or correction by the dominant partner. While some may argue that silence can be an effective tool for teaching a lesson, it is crucial to distinguish between healthy forms of silence, such as silent reflection or corner time, and the detrimental effects of silent treatment.

The silent treatment, when used by a dominant to punish or correct their submissive, involves intentionally ignoring or refusing to communicate with the submissive for a prolonged period. This is often emotionally damaging and erodes trust and communication within the relationship. Instead of fostering growth and understanding, it creates feelings of rejection, isolation, and insecurity in the submissive partner.

One of the key differences between silent treatment and other forms of silent correction, such as silent reflection or corner time, lies in the intention behind the silence. When a dominant imposes a period of silent reflection or corner time, it is typically done to provide the submissive with an opportunity to reflect on their behavior and understand the consequences of their actions. This form of correction is accompanied by clear communication from the dominant about why the punishment is being administered and what the submissive can do to improve their behavior in the future.

In contrast, the silent treatment is usually employed as a way for the dominant to exert control or manipulate the submissive. Rather than fostering understanding and growth, it serves to create a power imbalance within the relationship, with the dominant holding all the cards and the submissive left feeling powerless and confused.

Furthermore, the silent treatment can have long-lasting effects on the emotional well-being of the submissive partner. Being ignored or shut out by someone they care about can lead to feelings of worthlessness, anxiety, and depression. Over time, it can damage the foundation of trust and intimacy upon which healthy relationships are built.

The silent treatment should not be used as a form of punishment or correction within a dominant-submissive relationship. Instead, partners should focus on open communication, mutual respect, and constructive forms of correction that promote growth and understanding. By avoiding the use of the silent treatment and embracing healthier forms of discipline, dominants and submissives can cultivate stronger, more fulfilling relationships built on trust, respect, and empathy.

©TLK2024

When a woman strips herself bare of not only the clothes that cover her body but also the shackles of a lifetime of conditioning and insecurities, finds the strength to kneel before another and ask to be taken, it is truly the most powerful moment in a BDSM relationship. Oh, there are many, many other powerful moments and experiences, and I routinely feel a sense of awe and gratitude as she continues to find new ways to display her submission and desire to learn and grow. But none for me can compare to the power, majesty, humility, and grace that I feel when the right woman holds out her trembling hand and heart and asks to be taken.

*Unknown

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Conversation is an art that can be truly beautiful. It allows us to gradually unravel the mystery of a person, discovering their unique quirks, and uncovering the driving forces behind their beliefs and passions. It's an opportunity to explore new ideas and perspectives and to experience a wide range of emotions, from hope and love to suffering, darkness, joy, and despair.

While physical attraction and desire can be important, the true essence of a person lies in their personality, experiences, and story. Each person has their own journey, and it's crucial to approach every individual with respect and dignity, listening carefully to their words and valuing their experiences. By taking the time to truly understand and appreciate each other, we can see the beauty in everyone and discover what makes each person uniquely special.

In a conversation, we have the chance to go beyond the superficial and delve into the depths of a person's soul. Through active listening and thoughtful questions, we can uncover the nuances of their thoughts and beliefs, and gain a deeper understanding of their experiences. By doing so, we can broaden our own perspectives and learn from the diverse range of people we encounter.

Conversations can be transformative and enriching, allowing us to connect with others on a deep level and find common ground despite our differences. They are a powerful way to build relationships and foster empathy, and can ultimately lead to a more compassionate and understanding world.

~M

Here’s the most important thing I can say about dating as a submissive:

You are 100% entitled to maintain your boundaries right up until the point where you agree to give control to a partner. Anyone who says otherwise can fuck right off.

With that said, I’ve compiled a set of red flags I’ve come across in dating.

Red Flag #1: Passive Aggressiveness
When a submissive calmly raises a concern with a Dominant, and they respond passively aggressively, this is a very bad sign. For D/s to work well, I firmly believe that both parties must be able to communicate honestly and openly. This is particularly important for submissives early in a relationship. Submissives who are not comfortable with something have to be able to speak up, or the dynamic is doomed from the start.

The passive-aggressive Dominant shuts down this open communication. They aren’t interested in your comfort or your trust; they just want you to shut up and do as you’re told. “Fine, I won’t say it ever again.” No, that’s not what I said. But I was uncomfortable, and you didn’t care. Passive aggressive behavior does not attempt to understand feelings or care for them. It puts earplugs in and does whatever it wants anyway. A person like this is dangerous, on either side of the slash.

Red Flag #2: Rapid Mood Swings
If someone goes from being incredibly excited to seeing you lash out in anger in the span of 20 minutes (and you did not say, kill their dog), this is not a stable person. Rapid mood swings are a red flag in general, but in a Dominant, they can be terrifying. Submissives put so much trust in their Dominants to be a reliable, solid source of support. Rapid mood swings can destroy that trust. Again, this one is true on both sides of the slash. To be clear, it’s one thing to experience volatile emotions and quite another to lash out at one’s partner over them. Dominants who do this are incapable of controlling themselves, and for that reason, they should never be trusted to lead a D/s dynamic.

Red Flag #3: Guilt Trips and Manipulation
One of the most important traits in a Dominant is respect for boundaries. The things we do require so much trust that a submissive must know their boundaries are respected. Guilt trips try to needle you away from your boundaries into a space where you have not freely consented to give yourself.

“If you really loved me, you would…"—Oh? If you really loved me, you wouldn’t ask me to do something after I’ve said no. Repeatedly. And given your reasons.

“You’re keeping me from being myself if you don’t let me do this.“—All I said was that I’m not ready yet. If your identity involves taking control from people who aren’t ready, then go be yourself with someone else.

“I’m the worst Dom ever and don’t deserve you.“—I call this one the crocodile tear guilt trip. It’s designed to get you to say, "No, you’re wonderful.” And then they say, “Then why won’t you do x for me?” This faux self-pity nonsense is both weak and manipulative.

Red Flag #4: Invalidating Your Feelings
If you feel uncomfortable or unhappy or not ready for something, you are 100% entitled to feel that way. Now, a good submissive (or relationship partner in general) will try to understand those feelings and share the reasons for them to help their Dominant lead more effectively. A good Dominant will listen and try to understand. But if a Dominant says you shouldn’t feel what you feel, that’s a red flag. If a Dominant brushes your feelings off as a sign of inexperience or lack of knowledge or any other thing, that’s a red flag. If you are uncomfortable, you are uncomfortable. Full stop. Maybe you will be more comfortable with talking and research and so on. But that does not invalidate your feelings in this moment. And any Dominant who tries to invalidate your feelings like that is not someone you can trust to take care of you.

Red Flag #5: Assuming Control in One Area Means Control in All Areas
It’s not unusual to give control in some areas before others. In fact, this is basically how it should happen. Gradually, submissives and Dominants build trust, and submissives offer more and more control to their Dominants. It’s a beautiful thing.

Many Dominants try to take too much control too early. They get twitchy sometimes because they know how to fix all the things if we would just let them have control omg now, please. But good Dominants will recognize when they’ve overstepped and will step back. It’s a red flag when they don't—when they assume that control in one area entitles them to control everywhere.

Dominants do not have control unless you give it to them. Freely and enthusiastically. Period. Control in the bedroom, for example, doesn’t give a Dominant the authority to create new rules unilaterally. Especially early on. It’s a red flag when a Dominant demands new rules without first discussing them and understanding the submissive’s feelings. And it’s a flaming red flag when they get angry when you push back or say you’re not ready.

Red Flag #6: Overuse of the Phrase “Topping from the Bottom”
I don’t universally hate the phrase “topping from the bottom” as some people do. But I will say that 80% of the time I see it, it’s being used to manipulate an uncomfortable submissive into silence and obedience. This phrase is especially alarming when there is no committed D/s dynamic. In the early stages of dating, submission is more or less ad hoc. You choose to obey (or not) in every moment, as you feel comfortable. And you make that part of your ongoing dialogue about what you’re ready to give and what you’re not.

When a Dominant pushes your boundaries, you are entitled to say no. And if they say this is topping from the bottom, they can fuck off. Maintaining boundaries in areas you have not given control is not topping from the bottom. Maintaining boundaries when you are not in a committed dynamic is not topping from the bottom.

You cannot top from the bottom in areas where you have not consented to be bottom.

Red Flag #7: Questioning Your Submissiveness
“I pretty much figured out you aren’t really submissive about a week ago.” This came after a Dominant repeatedly stepped over my boundaries. This Dominant tried to unilaterally set a rule 2 weeks into our dating and got angry when I said I was willing to do a task but did not have an established rule. Then a week later, this Dominant demanded more of my time. When I gave very specific, good reasons about my life being incredibly stressful for the next month or so, this Dominant told me I was not a real submissive.

If a Dominant is going to insult your identity because you don’t follow rules you never agreed to, they can 100% fuck right off. Being submissive is not about letting anyone with a D by their name walk all over you from the first moment they meet you. Anyone who expects that does not give a shit about who you are or what you need. They do not respect you. They will not take care of you.

Submissives have a right to boundaries, right up to the point that they freely and enthusiastically give control of those boundaries to their Dominants. Anger, instability, manipulation, and repeated overstepping are huge red flags in a Dominant. I won’t give my submission to just anyone, and I won’t give it to anyone who shows such entitlement and disregard for my boundaries. Especially early on. I know who I am. No one is going to make me question my submissive heart. Especially not someone so domineering and undeserving of my trust.

I’m sure this list is only the beginning. Please feel free to add to these with your own red flags.

~cherishedproperty

In BDSM, the stereotype often depicts dominants as loud, aggressive, and solely focused on exerting control through physical dominance. However, within this intricate world, lies a profound truth: the power of a dominant's gentle gestures can be just as, if not more, impactful than the most intense scenes.

At first glance, the notion of gentleness within BDSM might seem contradictory. After all, is not the essence of dominance rooted in commanding authority and asserting control? While this is undoubtedly a component, it is essential to recognize that true dominance transcends mere physical dominance. It encompasses a deep understanding of one's partner, an unwavering commitment to their well-being, and a mastery of both strength and vulnerability.

One of the most potent tools in a dominant's arsenal is the ability to express tenderness through gentle gestures. Holding hands, softly brushing a partner's hair, or tenderly placing a kiss on their forehead may seem small in comparison to the grandiose acts often associated with dominance. However, it is precisely these seemingly insignificant gestures that can forge the deepest connections and elicit the most profound responses.

In BDSM dynamics, trust is the cornerstone upon which everything else is built. Without trust, there can be no surrender, no vulnerability, and no true exploration of power dynamics. Gentle gestures serve as tangible manifestations of trust and care, reassuring the submissive that they are safe, cherished, and valued. Amid the most intense scenes, it is these gestures that serve as anchors, grounding both parties and reaffirming the bond between them.

Moreover, gentle gestures have a transformative effect on the dynamics of power exchange. While dominance is often associated with control and authority, it is equally important for dominants to recognize the power of vulnerability and empathy. By allowing themselves to express gentleness, dominants create a space where submission is not merely coerced but freely given out of love and respect.

Contrary to popular belief, dominance does not necessitate aggression or arrogance. Instead, it is about wielding power responsibly and compassionately, understanding that true strength lies in the ability to nurture and protect. A dominant who embraces gentleness alongside their authority demonstrates a profound understanding of the complexities of power dynamics and a willingness to explore them with sensitivity and empathy.

The power of a dominant's gentle gestures in BDSM cannot be overstated. These seemingly small acts of tenderness deepen trust, strengthen connections, and transform power dynamics in profound ways. By embracing gentleness alongside dominance, dominants not only enhance the experiences of their submissives but also embody the true essence of what it means to wield power responsibly and compassionately in the world of BDSM.

©TLK2024

“Cultivate gratitude. Make it a habit to thank the people who are there for you. Thank them for believing in you, for listening, and for being a shoulder to lean on. Thank them without the expectation of anything in return. Thank them just to express your sincerest appreciation. Make it part of your daily practice. When you truly value those who support you, you’ll soon find that it comes back to you, amplified. It’s one of those unexplainable lessons of the heart, a twisted version of Newton’s third law of motion. Actions may well have an equal and opposite reaction, but when it comes to gratitude, the reactions are often louder, grander, and more uplifting.”

— daily-esprit-descalier

How many of you think that finding the kinky partner of your dreams is practically impossible?

Yeah, I know. With all the crazy, fake Doms out there or the people who seem too good to be true and then ghost out on you, it’s easy to get discouraged. Hopefully, you’ve done a self-check to make sure you’re not scaring them off. Now, maybe it’s time to think about how you approach a Dominant to make sure you’re picking a good one or finding one that’s worth the work and effort that go into having a successful D/s relationship.

First, a reality check.

I can’t give you a step-by-step checklist of what to say, what to wear, and what to do to find yourself the greatest Dominant who ever lived, EVER. We’re all unique individuals, and everyone is looking for something different. I’m not going to tell you to dress a certain way, speak a certain way, or do anything very specific.

Unless you’re looking for a play partner – which has its own set of best practices – you need to approach the search for a new Dominant like you would any relationship, vanilla or kinky. You’re people first, kinksters second (and for some people, kink is third, fourth, or even tenth of the list).

But, if you think all you do is find the fakes and posers or that every D/s relationship you have is doomed to fail, there are a few things you can try that may help you find a good, decent Dominant partner.

Get to know each other in a vanilla way first.
Shocking, right? For some people, proclaiming their kinky proclivities from the first moment is a must. For others, it’s not something they admit until much later. All of that is perfectly fine. Regardless of whether this potential Dominant knows you’re a kinky submissive looking for freaky things to be done to you, get to know them like you would anyone else.

Unless you’re the type to ask about a person’s sexual hard limits in every situation, you probably shouldn’t lead with that one even if they are Dominant. Find out who they are as a person first. D/s – for many of us – is a long-term relationship and power exchange. Who cares how kinky they are if you don’t like them as a human being first?

Ask questions.
More than just the questions you ask to learn about someone when you’re ready to discuss kink and D/s, ask a million and one questions. The good Dominants of the world aren’t scared off. Hell, they welcome it because it shows that you’re willing to communicate, that you’re curious, and that you want to learn as much as possible about them.

Dominants are not all-powerful beings in your life until you make them so (and until they agree to be that for you). You should know their limits, their fetishes, their likes, dislikes, and fears just as much as they should know yours. No, you’re not being too forward by asking questions. And never believe you’re supposed to sit quietly and let this Dominant make all the decisions. The good Dominants don’t want to do that – at least not until you’re in a negotiated and established relationship.

Don’t be afraid to say no.
This person isn’t your Dominant – yet. You’re allowed to say no. You’re allowed to tell them you’re uncomfortable. You’re allowed to tell them that you’re not their submissive, and you don’t have to do what they tell you to.

Now, let me add a caveat. If this is someone you want to become your Dominant, I suggest being respectful when you tell them no (unless they were a total asshole, of course). Until you know they enjoy taming a submissive or dealing with a brat – and not all Dominants do – being polite is always a good idea. You can still be firm and get your point across while staying polite.

Expect to be treated with respect.
This goes along with that thing that some fakes do of demanding that you call them Master and bow to their wishes – and they usually do it all through a direct message on social media. It’s a little scary how often it happens, and how quickly they’ll turn into freaks the moment you say no. They’ll also treat you like crap if you say yes, by the way.

You have every right to demand respect. In the online world, it’s easier. You can block and delete people left and right. When you’re meeting someone face to face, it’s not always easy. Show that you have a backbone and that you won’t be pushed around or bullied. The good Dominants might be testing you and will respect you for it. The fakes and posers will call you mean names and slink back into their slimy caves. Every decent Dominant I’ve ever met treats all people with respect from the very beginning until they’re given a reason not to.

Push back when you’re uncomfortable.
So maybe you’re far enough along that you’re truly negotiating a potential relationship. Hell, maybe you’re even looking over a list of potential kinks and fetishes to figure out where your limits are and how you’re both compatible. When something doesn’t feel right, it’s okay (and really, it’s a requirement) that you say something.

Just because this person really likes the idea of knife play, and the idea makes you want to puke, doesn’t mean you have to acquiesce. Very rarely are two people going to like all of the same things. If the chemistry is good between you, you might not even have to agree on much at all when it comes to kinks and fetishes. But when your boundaries are being pushed past your comfort level and you’re not in a relationship yet, you have a responsibility to say something. When you’re in a relationship, you still have every right to say something too, for what it’s worth.

Don’t expect a Dominant to read your mind.
This goes along with that last one. Yes, many Dominants are very observant and can actually appear to be able to read your mind. They listen and watch and then react to your spoken and unspoken cues. It’s uncanny…I know. But they are not and have never been mind readers. Don’t treat them like they are.

Tell them when you’re uncomfortable. Tell them when you’re scared. Tell them when you’re freaking out because your mind is telling you that this has to be wrong, that your family would think you’re a freak, that you shouldn’t want to be submissive. There’s no way for a Dominant to help you deal with any of this if you don’t tell them.

Listen to your instincts.
We all get vibes or gut reactions to stuff, especially people. Oftentimes, we reject that little niggling voice that tells us something isn’t right. Or, when it seems too good to be true, we try to ignore the vibe that says this might really be a good thing. Don’t ignore that feeling – good or bad.

Whether you’ve just met someone or you’re in the early stages of your D/s relationship when something doesn’t feel right, pay attention. If you have to ask yourself (or others – as my email inbox can attest) if something is right or normal or okay, you probably already know the answer. D/s is a relationship, first and foremost. If you don’t like how you’re being treated or how the other person speaks to you or looks at you, that’s not a sign of a good healthy relationship. I always recommend communication first – in case it’s a problem of mixed signals and expectations – but after that, always go with your gut.

Look, I wish I could give you a checklist of what to say and do, or not say and do, to help you find the perfect-for-you Dominant. The reality is that this is a relationship between two people, first and foremost, and needs to be treated like it. Yes, eventually, you’ll talk about things you couldn’t imagine discussing in previous relationships (and not all of it will be sexual) and yes, this can be the most fulfilling relationship of your life – with the right person. But don’t let your desire to submit cloud your judgment. Find the best match for you as a person and then decide if they’re the right Dominant for your submissive self.

KaylaLords.com