It's All Relevant

 

“A starving heart will eat anything.”

One of the things that I love about this lifestyle is the open and accepting nature of the majority of people who call the lifestyle home or have stopped by to explore as well as learn. With the lifestyle being diverse and welcoming people tend to be more open about their sexual orientation among their lifestyle peers than perhaps they are in the vanilla world, plus under the umbrella of D/S there is a plateau of roles. Recently, on my podcast, I chatted about why I think it is important that people who are newer invest time in learning before deciding on a role and this started my gears turning because there are so many different orientations and roles what do they all mean? So, I want to take a few minutes, this will be a touch long, and do my best to define many of those that come to mind.

Before I get started, there are four things I want to state upfront:

First, this is not a definitive list of orientations and roles, so please do not take it as such.

Secondly, I believe people are not the sum of the labels used to give an overview of who they are. Individuals should not be evaluated by how they identify but by who they are as a person.

Thirdly, understand that how I define things is my opinion and no more. I feel that the question “What does this mean for you?” is a query that is especially important in the lifestyle. Never assume that how you define an orientation or role is how someone else does.

Finally, people can and do often use more than one of these identifiers.

With that out of the way, it is time to get down to business. Keeping with the saying that “sex sells”, and with this ditty getting rolling, I will start with some of the identifiers people use to describe their sexuality, and with the word sex appearing near the top of this, it might entice a few readers to hang out, reading more than normal.

Androsexual – Is being attracted to maleness. It is important to understand that this is an attraction to masculinity, not biology. In other words, it does not require a penis to be masculine.

Asexual – This is one of the identifiers that I am seeing more commonly used and people who describe themselves this way do not become sexually attracted to others, no matter the other’s gender. Just like in D/S both D and S types are large umbrellas under which there are many different ways to self-identify there is here as well. For example, someone may identify as an asexual bisexual. It is important to not assume that an asexual person is not interested in a partnership just because they do not have an interest in sex. Also, some asexuals will use the term ‘ace’ as a self-descriptor. Because asexuality is an umbrella term, here are some of the items that are commonly found under it:

Cupiosexual – Someone who does not feel sexual attraction however they desire sex.

Libidoist Asexual – An asexual with sexual desires taken care of via masturbation.

Non-Libidosist Asexual – Has no sexual desire and/or lacks a sex drive.

Sex-Averse – Are very apathetic to sex.

Sex-Favorable – In certain situations or moods, they may feel sexual.

Sex-Indifferent – Just like it sounds, they are unconcerned about engaging in sex.

Sex-Repulsed – A cousin to sex-averse but disgusted with sex or sexual desires.

And with that unexpected and repulsive news, the asexual umbrella is put away, for now.

Autosexual – If you enjoy sex in cars. Kidding, this is someone who finds sexual attraction in themselves, and spending time self-pleasuring yourself does not make you an autosexual.

Bicurious – Someone who is interested in or has limited experience with having sex, a relationship, or both with people of different genders.

Bisexual – Just like bicurious but someone who has experience or is confident in their decision.

Closeted – I know this is not a sexual orientation nor a lifestyle role with many reading this thinking of an LBGTQIA+ person who keeps their sexuality hidden for a variety of reasons. For me, I believe that many not only in the LBGTQIA+ but in the D/S lifestyle as well are closeted. There are not many within BDSM that are open with everyone from co-workers to family, as well as friends about their lifestyle choices. So I just wanted to add this into the mix here as a little food for thought.

Demisexual – Some place demisexuals under the umbrella of asexuality but I disagree. For me, someone who identifies this way needs to build an amazing connection with another before developing a sexual desire.

Fluid – This often means that a person’s sexuality or behaviors can and do change as time marches on or different people can bring out various desires. In my opinion, everyone is fluid with their sexuality as things change based on experience and unique people can bring out certain desires.

Gay – I do not think this is news to anyone reading this but this refers to people who are sexually and/or romantically drawn toward those with the same/similar gender.

Graysexual – This is another asexual umbrella term but just like demisexual, I think it can stand on its own. These people do have sexual desires however they are often not as strong as the average person.

Gynesexual – This is the opposite of androsexual with the attraction being to femininity and please remember that femininity does not require matching anatomy.

Heterosexual – The orientation for the closed minds of the world. The easy way to define this is the attraction to the contrasting gender, such as a male being drawn to a female. The following is an after-posting edit: The comment about closed minds is because intolerant minds sometimes spew hateful messaging about anyone who identifies as anything but heterosexual. There is, in my opinion, absolutely nothing wrong with heterosexuality, being heterosexual, or the like provided those with different orientations are respected and loved.

Homosexual – It is time to mention that this term is one that in my view needs to be deep-sixed. Many, myself included, think it is both long past its expiration date and offensive. So, if this word is still part of your lexicon, kindly remove it.

Lesbian – A person who is or identifies as a female who is attracted to the same.

Monosexual – This is an individual who is only attracted to one gender.

Omnisexual/Pansexual – Someone who is not attracted exclusively to one gender or orientation.

Polysexual – At first blush, some reading this might think this is linked to those who practice ethical nonmonogamy but it does not. This is an ‘umbrella’ term meaning a person is attracted to different genders with bisexual, omnisexual, and pansexual falling underneath it.

Pomosexual – Sorry perverts, read that again. It is pomosexual, not pornosexual. So, this is not someone attracted to porn stars. What this is are people who refuse to have their desires labeled or someone who does not feel connected with one.

Queer – When it rains, it pours and it must be a downpour because we have another of those umbrella words. This covers anyone who is not heterosexual and for some, this can be an offensive term while it is not for others. This means that queer should be used with common sense as well as courtesy. If you are unsure how someone feels about this word, do not use it or discuss it before saying it.

Questioning – This is just like it sounds, in that, a person who identifies this way is investigating their sexuality and or gender identification. It does not mean they are indecisive, waffling, or anything negative but I believe it to be an amazing positive because the person is in touch with who they are but they have not decided on what their fit is.

Sapiosexual – This has to be one of the ‘hot’ new descriptors that people are picking to self-identify with. It is great that many people are discovering that brains are sexy as H E Double Hockey Sticks, especially for a nerd like me but I do believe it is important to understand the rest of the sapiosexual story. The experts, those who are professional word definers, also add that a sapiosexual values brain power over sexual desires as well as set genders.

Skoliosexual – A person who desires those who have non-cis identities.

Spectrasexual – This is not someone who finds members of the fictional crime organization Spectre from the Bond films attractive but someone who finds varied identities or sexes desirable but it does not mean they find all attractive. I believe the singer Morrissey’s quote is a good fit here, ”I am attracted to humans. But, of course, not many.”

Straight – Just another way to say heterosexual.

As I said above, this is not a complete list but I have reached the end of the list of sexual orientations I am going to talk about here and now it is time to dig into labels that are used as identifiers in BDSM. Please remember this list is not the end-all and be-all, never assume things about another based on the terms they use as self-identifiers, always ask what they mean to that particular person, and people will often use multiple of these terms to describe themselves.

Ageplayer – Most commonly thought of when someone enjoys taking on a younger age than they are in real life but it can also be a person who enjoys acting older than their actual age.

Babyboy – Where one partner role plays an age-regressed male child and the other partner plays the role of Mommy or Daddy. This does not mean role-playing and having sex with one’s real-life Father or Mother but allows the ‘child’ to be freed of responsibility which can be very liberating for those involved.

Babygirl – Same as Babyboy except one partner takes the role of an age-regressed female child.

Big – A person who takes the role of an older person, often an adult during age regression play. Often the dominant partner.

Bootblack – Most are always submissive and enjoy providing the service, often to their dominant partner but not always, of cleaning and polishing their d-types boots.

Bottom – During BDSM play the person in the submissive role. For example, the bottom would be the person being spanked in a spanking scene. It can also mean someone who enjoys a submissive role during play but not being in a D/S relationship.

Brat – A submissive who takes great pleasure in pushing their dominant’s buttons, often looking forward to the accountability that will result from their playfulness. A brat does not ‘push the buttons’ of every dominant they encounter, just theirs because the brattiness is a symbol of the respect and devotion they have for their dominant.

Bull – A role in a cuckold relationship. They are the third person brought in to give pleasure to the female because the bull is often viewed as having superior sexual skills than the permanent male partner. Humiliation may or may not be part of this type of play.

Caregiver – This is becoming more used than the traditional daddy dominant and little girl/boy because it is easier to understand and it does not have a connotation that causes non-lifestyle people to think of incest. It can also mean a person who plays the role of grown-up during age regression play but is not the lifestyle mommy/daddy of the person age regressing.

Cuckold – A person, typically in the husband/boyfriend role, who takes pleasure in their partner having sex with others, which is done as a means for the other partner to assert control over them. This is typically the male designation.

Cuckquean – The female designation of cuckold.

Daddy – Often a dominant who prefers to lead with a more parental style rather than a traditional dominant with a more service-orientated approach. Age play is often mistakenly assumed to be part of what a daddy is however this is a myth. While some do enjoy this, it is a mistake to make this assumption.

Disciplinarian – A style of dominance where the d-type creates a structure to educate their submissive on what they want and hold them accountable. Do not let the role fool you, while a disciplinarian does uphold accountability, they are not furious screamers enraged when their s-type missteps but they do believe accountability is required to help their submissive grow.

Doll – This is a submissive role where the person wishes to be objectified or perhaps altered by how they dress, the makeup used, and, in some cases, surgical measures.

Dominant – A simple way to define this complex term is the person who has been given power in a relationship or scene by a submissive. Some also use this label as a person who identifies as male in this role.

Dominatrix – A female-identifying dominant who engages in BDSM play, often for financial gain.

Domme – Used by some as the female-identifying dominant.

Drag King/Queen – Often performance artists dress as their opposite gender during a show. A secondary meaning is that a drag queen transitions at a younger age with drag helping them address their gender while a drag king is someone who revisits their gender identity because they did/are doing drag.

Evolving – What all of us are doing all the time and that is changing. Within the lifestyle, people will adopt the evolving label often when a significant event(s) has them rethinking their role within BDSM or perhaps their involvement in the lifestyle.

Exhibitionist – Someone who enjoys the attention they receive for showing off their body or performing BDSM and/or sexual acts in front of an audience.

Exploring – This is in my opinion the perfect role for people who are newer to the lifestyle. Even if a person comes to the lifestyle believing a role to be ideal, taking the exploring label I feel helps keep one’s mind open rather than seeking preordained solutions.

Feminizer – An individual, often a D-type, who enjoys ‘making’ a submissive male do things or act in ways that are considered female.

Fetishist – A person who has a sexual fetish. So, odds are if you are reading this, you are indeed this. This also typically implies that the person is looking to enjoy/act on their fetishes but may not seek a lifestyle partnership.

Furry – People who have an interest in drawing, creating, and even dressing as animals with human characteristics. Often, it is non-sexual however it can also have a sexual side. This is a realm that blossomed because of the internet.

Gorean – This is a kink-related lifestyle based on novels by John Norman. These relationships typically have what is best described as a master/slave theme and many of those involved in the Gorean lifestyle do not think of their lifestyle as being part of BDSM however some do. Because of the similarities, those who practice this lifestyle often find a kindred community with BDSM.

Handler – It is often a dominant who has learned a set of skills where they enjoy playing the role of the caretaker or owner of a person who enjoys role-playing the part of a pet.

Hedonist – Within the D/S community, it is typically people who often enjoy the fetishes and kinky fuckery of D/S but do not wish to have a lifestyle partnership. They are involved in the community to explore while enjoying their pleasures.

Hotwife – A married/attached woman who enjoys adding additional males to their bedroom shenanigans with the consent and often involvement of their husband/partner.

Kajira – The role of a slave in the John Norman novels. In these books, the slaves were females who essentially had two tasks, take care of the household chores and be sex slaves.

Kinkster – Another word for hedonist where people enjoy their kinky fuckery but do not want or are not ready for a D/S relationship.

Kitten – Kitten play is a role-play or part of the D/S dynamic where the dominant is not only a D-type but also the owner of their cat, which is also their submissive. In these relationships, the submissive will at times roleplay in kitten mode. Additionally, it is a generic pet name for a submissive.

Little – Typically a submissive who enjoys age regression play typically ranges in age from infant, which may include diapers, to the age of eleven or twelve.

Masochist – A person, often submissive but not always, who enjoys receiving either physical or mental pain. This torment is often sexually arousing and/or a release for them.

Master – A person, often in a masculine role, who has displayed mastery of a lifestyle skill. For example, they make Indiana Jones look like a newbie with a whip. It can also be a title conferred by a community to someone who has shown great leadership and dedication to their community. Finally, if a dominant is in a relationship with someone who identifies as a slave, they may also have the title of master. The use of master is one of the biggest red flags in the online lifestyle as many take master as their title yet they have not shown a superior lifestyle skill, lead a community, and they are unpartnered. So, a word of warning, when you ‘meet’ a master online, be extra careful.

Middle – Linked to a little, the middle is often a submissive who enjoys age regression play where their preferred age is eleven/twelve (ish) into their teen years.

Mistress – The feminine version of master and just like its masculine counterpart, often a red flag.

Mommy – A female-identifying equivalent of daddy.

Pain Slut – The masochist’s best friend forever, often a submissive but always someone that craves pain consensually inflicted upon them.

Pet – A person who enjoys role-playing as a household pet, often on the submissive side of life. Just like a kitten and also the same as above, a generic pet name for a submissive.

Pony – Just as some enjoy playing the role of pets and other animals, there are those, once again often submissive who enjoy playing the part of a pony with the d-type taking the role of owner, horse trainer, or jockey depending on how the dynamic works for those involved.

Primal - People today will often tell you that they can be coarse or perhaps unfiltered is a better wording and, in the lifestyle, there is a place for these folks and this is the primal role. A d-type who calls themselves primal would typically mean that at times they are without filter or animalistic. Immediately, I believe that most will associate roughness or hardness with primal but I have learned that it can also be softer and surprisingly loving. Those unfiltered feelings can indeed be rough but they can also attach to animalistic expressions of love and affection.

Primal Predator – Traditionally a dominant who also identifies as primal.

Primal Prey – The submissive flip side of a primal predator.

Princess – This can be a pet name for a submissive and it can also be a style of submission. The princess submissive wants to be cherished and pampered in exchange for the gift of their submission. There is nothing wrong with pampering and cherishing, but d-types beware, some princesses are not princesses but those with pay-to-play schemes.

ProDom – A dominant, often male, who charges for their services.

ProDomme – A dominant, often female, who charges for their services.

Pup – The world has gone to the dogs and just as there is kitten play, pup play is the doggy style of this play. Since I did just make a sexual reference, I should note, often role-play in a lifestyle that is animal-centric is not sexual.

Rigger/Rope Top – A person, usually but not always a D-type who enjoys tying up others with rope.

Rope Bottom/Bunny – Often although not written in stone, a submissive who enjoys being tied up with rope. The phrase rope bunny is often used although it is not a gender-specific one but rope bottom has become more popular as a replacement for the bunny.

Sadist/sadomasochist – A person, often dominant, who becomes sexually aroused through giving pain. Most people assume it is a physical pain but some enjoy mental torments more than physical ones.

Sensualist – A person who enjoys lifestyle activities but often in a softer, more carnal way.

Sissy – A submissive, who is male-identifying, during play and takes on a feminine role, manners, and dress.

Slave – This is a submissive who has made the decision, willfully, to surrender their power to their dominant, thus making the d-type a master/mistress. While I understand the differences between slavery in the lifestyle and human trafficking, I wish as a lifestyle we could find another name for this role. If only I was king of kink for the day.

Slut – Traditionally this word, I am sure everyone is aware, was a derogatory one but thankfully within the lifestyle and related communities it can be a liberating role. It is a freeing word, mostly in lifestyle, because here a ‘slut’ chooses their relationship(s) as well as erotic pursuits based upon what works for them rather than what society expects.

Spankee – No, not your favorite Little Rascal but a person who enjoys being spanked. Typically this is a submissive role but as always, not always. Plus, some enjoy being spanked but that is the extent of their lifestyle desires.

Spanker – The opposite of spankee and still not a member of Our Gang but mostly but not always a D-type role where the person enjoys inflicting spankings. A spanker can be fully involved in D/S or just like the spankee, there for a little whoop-ass and nothing more.

Spanko – A person who likes to spank or be spanked.

Stag – A male who enjoys/encourages their partner to have sex with other men but unlike a cuckold, there is no humiliation or submissive games involved.

Submissive – A person who chooses to willingly give up a certain amount of control to their dominant partner.

Swinger – An individual or partnership that ethically engages in as well as enjoys recreational sex.

Switch – Someone who can take the dominant or submissive role in lifestyle play or a relationship.

Top – This can be another word for a dominant, someone who enjoys the role of dominant during play, or a playmate that is a d-type but not the submissive’s dominant.

Toy – This can be any marital aid you enjoy playtime with but in BDSM, a toy also references a submissive who enjoys being their dominant’s toy. This can include sexual or non-erotic ‘games’ but in this role, the s-types consent to be played with however their d-type wishes.

Undecided – Goes along with exploring and is a great label for someone newer to the lifestyle to self-identify with. Instead of wondering if you are dominant, switch, or submissive, simply focus on learning and growing. When you have invested in education and you are prepared, deciding the role that fits will be a natural progression.

Vanilla – Simply put, anything not lifestyle or perhaps kinky. One of my favorite corruptions of this term is my use of vanilla bean to describe friends who are kink-friendly or accepting but are never going to be on board for exploring the lifestyle.

Vixen – The partner to a stag who enjoys having sex with others while their stag watches, joins, or encourages.

Voyeur – The flipside of an exhibitionist, a person who enjoys watching people engage in lifestyle play, bow-chicka-wow-wow, or both. One of the glorious things about the internet is that everyone can be a voyeur and/or an exhibitionist.

I know this was a long read but I hope that there might be a few nuggets in there for both the less experienced as well as some of the more experienced. I will conclude with my reminders that the thoughts/definitions are mine alone which means none are the perfect answer since I am imperfect, always ask someone what a term or role means to them because one of the great things about BDSM is that the lifestyle is very individualistic so people can often have varying views, never make assumptions about others based upon the labels they self-identify with because people are so much more than the sum of labels, and very often multiple labels only begin to describe amazing people here in the lifestyle, so making connections is so much more than reading a label like at the grocery store.

©TLK2022

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dawn is always such a forgiving time. When that first cold, bright streak comes over the water. It's as if all our sins were pardoned; as if the sky leaned over the earth and kissed it and gave it absolution.

― Willa Cather

 

(Photograph Taken By: Me)

 

 

 

I think I always wanted love to prove me wrong in the end. See, I’m pretty cynical. I’m skeptical. I don’t believe in love at first sight and I don’t think there is only one person in this world for every one of us. I don’t believe that there’s someone out there waiting for me, expecting me, looking for the right moment to rush into my life at full speed and rescue me. To fix me. To make me a better person.

Maybe I was never comfortable not knowing where exactly I was going. I prodded at things until they ignited, I added fuel to the fire until it all crashed and burned. I saw the end long before it was coming. I loved long and hard, and short and heated, but I never found the feeling I’d been looking for. That others described but that I could never really relate to. But I’m hopeful. I’m adaptive. I believe that you can meet someone and instantly know that this person will play a bigger role in your life. That you look at them and feel your heart rush into your throat and you know, oh you know, that this is going to be new and exciting and beautiful, no matter how long it lasts.

I believe that some souls respond to ours in kind and that we will run into these people we are supposed to meet, no matter which way we choose to go. Perhaps I even have to admit that I believe that there’s someone out there waiting for me, expecting me, who can’t wait to finally meet me. I still want love to prove me wrong. I’m waiting for it to knock me off my feet, to make me believe in all the things I called silly before, to show me things I’ve never seen before. To be honest, I’m simply waiting for somebody to come along who takes all of my beliefs and breaks them apart piece by piece

 

 

Nice guys finish last,” is an age-old truism that we’ve all heard at one point or another in our lives. But is it true? Don’t women want a man to treat them with respect, and dignity, and to value them equally? Don’t we as feminists (and yes, I use the inclusive term ‘we’ because I consider myself to be one) demand these things? Don’t we desire to move away from the days when Neanderthals and chauvinists were allowed to run rampant when women had to suffer constant sexual harassment as a matter of course in the workplace?

Of course, we do, few things could be more self-evident than that.

So shouldn’t we be raising men to be ‘gentlemen,’ to be respectful, to treat women as equals? Shouldn’t men who strive to be kind, gentle, giving, and considerate be the ideal mates? And haven’t I, on this very blog extolled the virtues of the man who is hardworking, respectful, educated, and a good communicator?

Why yes, I have.

I mean, if that’s what women want, why wouldn’t good guys finish first all the time? As it turns out, they do. Overwhelmingly women seek mates who treat them as equals, with dignity and respect. They seek men who are faithful in their marriage and honest. So, the end of the post?

Not quite.

You see, for as much as women desire men who are all of the above for life mates, they seek something very, very different from their sexual partners. Ask any relationship therapist or clinical psychologist on the planet and they’ll tell you the same thing: women love their spouses deeply and sincerely – and they are (overwhelmingly) utterly unattracted to them sexually.

As it turns out, the scientific study of female sexuality is an extraordinarily complex subject. Stunning, I know. Professor Lorraine Dennerstein of the University of Melbourne determined that the loss of a woman’s libido as she ages is closely linked to a loss of interest in her sexual partner. Put another way: they desire sexless because they desire their partner less. Those same women consistently reported that they deeply loved and admired their partners.

So what gives?

Dr. Marta Meana, who is a clinical psychologist, Dean of the University of Nevada’s Psychology department, and widely respected researcher into women’s sexual functionality (and possibly more qualified to write about this subject than me), surmises that what drives female sexuality, above all else, is something that could be summed up best Cheap Trick’s 78 hit, “I want you to want me”: WOMEN PASSIONATELY DESIRE TO BE DESIRED.

That same soft, gentle man (not a gentleman) who she loves and feels secure around: the one who asks permission for everything, and is constantly obsessed with asking, “Are you sure you’re ok,” that guy is safe, but he is not sexy. Sexually, a woman does not fantasize about being delicately considered, she wants to be passionately desired, chased, and pursued, she wants to be the object of a man's unbridled lust – she wants to be conquered.

The real female orgasm? Being desired.

Now men, if you’ve ever read a harlequin novel (or watched an episode of True Blood), step back and ask yourself if that is not precisely the caricature that comes to mind. The strong, decisive, passionate, slightly dangerous, and lustful man. It’s almost comical how obvious the correlation is. Yet that same man who appeals to a woman’s lustful side isn’t necessarily the one who appeals to her desire for safety and comfort in a relationship.

And that’s the rub men: It will be your passion that brings her in, and it will be your security that holds her attention, but to develop her into that wanton slut you desire, who continues to explore with you, and to grow in her submission, you must first provide the platform for her to build on.

You must be the foundation, the rock upon which her temple to you is built. Education, practice, communication, discipline, dedication, decisiveness, love, passion, and accountability: These are your tools. You must be ever vigilant to maintain your passion for her. To constantly reaffirm her place in your sexual desires with action and inventiveness; to constantly reaffirm your commitment to her soul with strong communication; her mind with leadership; her heart with consistent love, unending patience, and understanding; and to your relationship with stern discipline.

Committing your life to these principles and their practice is what will ultimately separate you from the cuckold husband, or the douche-bag wanna-be doms. You must be both the lion and lover. Do these things well, and her submission will blossom, fail and it will wither.

The choice ultimately is yours. Choose wisely.

~ Axiom

 

 

“I miss the sound of your voice”

There’s something inside the anatomy of the soul, some tone that we can all replicate, the excitement we feel when we finally see someone or hear from them after so long. I know you told me to be safe and I am, I guess it gets a little bit lonely. it’s the strangest thing, isn’t it? having people to talk to, but not always wanting to talk to them. having people to be around, but not always wanting to be around people. I’ve been thinking about myself and I had a fascinating thought about our emotions and memories of one another. I realize that my thoughts are a wild series of an apartment inside, of another apartment and sometimes I have to split myself into many pieces, each living and breathing, all me, peeking out of the window into another set of myself, a watcher of watchers, there’s something intimate about watching yourself behave, what a beautifully torn creature, full of ideas and denials, full of happiness and rage, full of sadness and longing, full of myself and empty at the same time— there’s something beautiful about the way we craft our mannerisms to fit in or to stand out, maybe it’s a hypersensitive need for someone to love us openly, freely and genuinely, or to tell them to stay the fuck away. either I’m weird enough for you to love me or weird enough for you to stay out of my way, either way, being me is all I’ve known, so I guess when I say

“I miss the sound of your voice”

it probably just means that I miss that piece of myself that laughed when I didn’t need to and smiled when I didn’t need to, I just felt like it. It was never forced. It was natural to just be alive. All of that spark in my eyes, that fire in my belly— I miss that part of myself, too.

 

 

 

 

I am not perfect and have made mistakes in my roles as a sister, daughter, and friend because I don't always say or do the "right things". However, I am a spirited person with a sharp tongue and a fiery temper. I have secrets, pain, and scars from my past that have shaped me into the strong and resilient person that I am today. Some people love me, some like me, and others don't, but that doesn't define who I am. I've had both successes and failures in my life, and I've learned from every experience. I've wasted time on people and things that didn't deserve it and I've been fooled, manipulated, and hurt, but I've also trusted, believed, and given second, third, and fourth chances. I feel confident in my skin and am not afraid to go without makeup or dress up. I am spontaneous, passionate, and playful. I've learned and grown from my experiences and am proud of who I am. I won't pretend to be someone I'm not because authenticity is important to me. I am who I am, and I embrace it fully. If I love you, I will do so with my whole heart and make no apologies for it.

~M

 

 

“Women like me do not fall gracefully,
we stumble over our spines, trip over
our vowels, and collapse into your arms.

Our hearts are open books,
Russian novels containing fifty pages
on the way, your voice drifts across
the telephone wires each night.
Our hearts are first drafts,
unedited verses about each and every
person we have ever loved: the stranger
on the subway, the gentleman who gave us his heart and soul, but was too busy to commit.
The boy who stole our virginity
but not our hearts.

Women like me will love you from a distance
of a thousand syllables while lying in your bed,
we will destroy you in the most beautiful way possible,
and when we leave you will finally understand
why storms are named after people.”

by M.K. Wilde, Katrina

 

 

At times, it can feel that the older you are, the harder it becomes to find a partner, especially in D/S. A case in point was a recent post from a submissive who has leveled up in life a few times and is seeking a daddy dominant. In their writing, they expressed disappointment because they felt that those who identify as daddy dominants want younger partners thus leaving them out in the cold.

The struggles with lifestyle dating plus the D/S Dear Abbey’s who preach against age differences bring about the need for a frank discussion of age gaps in lifestyle partnerships.

One thing to consider is that a daddy d-type does not mean an age gap in the relationship. This style of dominance is about the methods and manners the D-type employees embrace. There is a common misconception that someone who identifies as a DD wants or needs a younger partner, often significantly younger as a submissive. The same is true about age regression play, an s-type who is a little, being a mandatory component of a lifestyle relationship with a daddy dominant. While many who seek a daddy Dom, do enjoy age play, there are many submissives as well as DDs who find age regression play to not be their jam but simply enjoy the style of leadership that daddies are known for. Additionally, while there are individuals who seek a younger partner, it does not link to a specific role or gender. As an example, we all need to clear our throats so we can “rawr!” because many cougar submissives are prowling about in our kinky forests.

Some assume the role of daddy dominant because they are an ODB, old dirty bastard, that uses the title of “daddy” to target young, naive, and/or vulnerable submissives thus allowing ODB to get thrills. This is the reason the majority of those who take titles online such as lifestyle trainer, teacher, instructor, and professor are ODBs and the use of the before-mentioned monikers must be seen as a red flag. These sleazy schoolmasters often claim they just want to teach the lifestyle which translates into getting their grubby little paws on fresh lifestyle meat. A quick note of clarification, not all who are kinky Professor Proton types are ODBs, some do just teach and share their experiences. These good apples are just like amazing educators in the vanilla world, they want to empower others, but the lessons shared are never done by engaging in hands-on learning. Also, just like in the real world, make sure those who teach their theories, walk a walk in life that reflects their teaching, for example, they do not preach trust as well as honesty while having a wife at home that they cheat on with their students.

On the flip side of that, this is a good flip slide, because the lifestyle brings people together with open minds some connections happen between people who do have a gap in their ages. Open minds make themselves available to being loved and loving someone that perhaps Dr. Phil and vanilla society might disagree with. Speaking of the vanilla world, is it, not a craptastic double standard that men are often lauded for having a much younger partner but women are not? Manthers are acceptable but cougars are not, facepalming. So with the lifestyle being a place where open minds gather, you do encounter more partnerships that occur between people of all ages, and the majority of these come from the heart. Additionally, it is not just dominants with younger submissives in the lifestyle but it is just as likely to see a submissive older, perhaps significantly older, than their d-type.

When it comes to age differences in relationships, more people have contrasts in their “levels” in the lifestyle versus the vanilla bean world but that is not because it is an expectation in D/S nor is it something that daddy dominants want/need but it is due to the prevalence of open minds and hearts that are found here in the lifestyle. While some bad actors try to take advantage of this openness, most people involved in age-gap lifestyle relationships do so from places of goodness rather than from selfishness. With open minds come open hearts and in a lifestyle of very open minds, like D/S, relationships blossom and grow between consenting adults of all ages, even those with gaps between them.

How do you feel about age-gap relationships and why?

©TLK2023

 

 

The word "unowned" implies that there is a default state, a way things should be. The absence of something important describes a state, but the longer I remain single, the more I wonder about this word.

It has been nearly three years since my last D/s relationship ended. At first, "unowned" perfectly described the aching void left in me without the structure of our dynamic. I had no one to ask for permission, no one to make sure I went to bed on time and no one who craved my ever-deepening submission. It was the absence of so many things—not just ownership or love, but also a loss of identity. What is a submissive when they are unable to serve?

I used to say that I'm a relationship person and that my happiness depends on my connection to another. And frankly, I never believed that you must be happy as a single person before you can be in a healthy relationship. Some people just aren't meant for a single life. As a submissive, part of me has always felt incomplete without ownership. When your sense of purpose and fulfillment relies on serving and obeying another, being single can feel empty. It's right there in the word. Unowned.

But over time, the aching void of "unownership" faded. I learned to live as a single person. And now I feel... fine. No, really. At first, I knew I wasn't ready to submit. Now I'm just not sure I need to. Submission feels like another me in another lifetime. That girl was so sure of her needs that she turned her life upside down for a chance at fulfilling them. Have my needs changed, or have I just been unfulfilled for so long that I'm numb to them? Am I walking around, unaware that the color has drained from my world? Am I actively looking away from the color, too terrified of what it might mean? Too afraid to get hurt, too afraid to make the wrong choice, too afraid to feel so deeply and give so much of myself.

Either way, my submission feels so far away most days. It feels abstract. I have rebuilt my life and my heart so much in the last three years that I nearly feel like a new person. But maybe under all of this newness, there's still a little girl waiting for the right moment to kneel. A friend once told me that these things are like balloons—you can hold them under the water, but they always fight their way to the surface again. I guess time will tell.

But that word—unowned—no longer feels like part of me. I am not defined by the absence of something; I am the presence of many things. And I have to trust that those "somethings" will lead me down the right path, whether I am meant to kneel or not.

 

~M