D/s can be dangerous because it explores the most primitive sides of ourselves. Those involved must have a high degree of trust and very, very healthy devotion to one another. Like religion, it can be a spiritually enlightening experience and it can be tremendously fun.
~Joey W. Hill
“What if our religion was each other? If our practice was our life. If prayer, our words. What if the temple was the Earth? If forests were our church. If holy water the rivers, lakes, and ocean. What if meditation was our relationships? If the teacher was life. If wisdom was self-knowledge. If love was the center of our being?”
— Ganga White
**Photo Taken By: Me
If you do any significant amount of reading about D/s you’re sure to encounter the idea that it is the responsibility of each party to ‘vet’ the other before formalizing a relationship. This advice is normally aimed at submissives, and my writing will be too because it brings me to point number one…
Until the point where a submissive has agreed to enter into the power exchange dynamic, it is the submissive who is in control. I know, that’s an uncomfortable thing. We don’t enjoy taking control, and the idea of being responsible for such a big decision is daunting, but it’s very important.
Giving control over your body, and your well-being, to another person, is to be taken incredibly seriously, and you can’t make someone else responsible. If you decide to give your power to someone you haven’t taken the time to vet, it would be unfair not to take some of the responsibility when things go south. If you invite a snake into your bed, you have to take responsibility when he bites.
The first step to vetting someone is to get to know them as a person. Just like every other relationship. The vanilla things matter. Let me repeat that in case it didn’t sink in… the vanilla things matter. Your morals, religion, hobbies, and personalities need to align the same way any other couple should.
That doesn’t mean they need to be the same. It’s okay if he loves hiking and you’d rather sit in with a book, but these things must align. There shouldn’t be contention every time you discuss what to do on Saturday, and you shouldn’t feel that you’re compromising yourself to make it work. You’ll want to avoid letting sex and kink be the main topic of conversation at this point.
As you’re getting to know this person, you’ll probably start seeing little glimpses of dominance peeking through. You’ll notice the way he checks in often, asks you to call when you’ve arrived home safely, or tells you where you’ll be going for dinner rather than asking.
The next step in your vetting is going to be giving him opportunities to lead. Push small pieces of power over the line and watch to see what he does with them. Watch carefully, and be honest with yourself about how he responds. Does it feel right? Is he putting your well-being above his desires?
Tell him you’ve been feeling tired in the mornings before work and don’t know if you should try showering at night, what does he think? Does he ask questions about when you go to bed? Does he say “whatever you think,” or otherwise let the opportunity to decide for you pass? Does he send you to bed when you have an early day even though he’d rather stay on the phone? These little ‘tests’ are all insignificant in themselves, but they combine to give you a very clear picture of what sort of leader you have.
This is the point where discussion of your future/potential dynamic will start coming into the picture. Let him know how you feel about the decisions he’s made for you. “It was nice not to have to decide… thank you for ordering for me…It made me feel really cared for when you called because I didn’t text when I got home.” Then start asking questions. LOTS OF THEM.
Discuss kinks, sure, but don’t let that be the only thing. Ask him what he imagines the day-to-day looking like. How much free time does he have? Why did it end with his last submissive? Are there any things that are must-haves? Limits? This is when the discussion crosses past the vanilla and becomes about shaping a dynamic. You want to find out what is important to each other, what sort of control will he want? How will he exercise it?
Continue pushing pieces of power over the line and keep watching to see what happens. Don’t rush it. If this is the right Dominant for you, then you’ll know over time. Does he own it when he’s made a mistake, or does he try to cover it with excuses? How does he react when you’ve forgotten to do something he asked. Does he speak poorly about every woman he’s ever been with? If so, this is a red flag you should be aware of. Sexual tensions are high at the beginning of a relationship. It’s exciting for both parties, but does every conversation come back to sex?
If you take to vetting this way, with open honest communication about the dynamic, there will be no question that you are looking to be his, and that he is looking to own you. Some traditionalists feel it’s the sub’s responsibility to first approach Dominant seeking ownership, and you’ll probably want to discuss expectations about this before the time comes so no one is left wondering what they’ve done wrong.
Have fun. Enjoy the journey, and above all don’t rush the process. If it’s the right person you’ll be glad you took the time. If it’s the wrong person, you’ll be even more grateful.
~pleasurewhore
“I miss the sound of your voice”
There’s something inside the anatomy of the soul, some tone that we can all replicate, the excitement we feel when we finally see someone or hear from them after so long. I know you told me to be safe and I am, I guess it gets a little bit lonely. It’s the strangest thing, isn’t it? having people to talk to, but not always wanting to talk to them. having people to be around, but not always wanting to be around people. I’ve been thinking about myself and I had a fascinating thought about our emotions and memories of one another. I realize that my thoughts are a wild series of an apartment inside, of another apartment and sometimes I have to split myself into many pieces, each living and breathing, all me, peeking out of the window into another set of myself, a watcher of watchers, there’s something intimate about watching yourself behave, what a beautifully torn creature, full of ideas and denials, full of happiness and rage, full of sadness and longing, full of myself and empty at the same time— There’s something beautiful about the way we craft our mannerisms to fit in or to stand out, maybe it’s a hypersensitive need for someone to love us openly, freely and genuinely, or to tell them to stay the fuck away. either I’m weird enough for you to love me or weird enough for you to stay out of my way, either way, being me is all I’ve known, so I guess when I say
“I miss the sound of your voice”
It probably just means that I miss that piece of myself that laughed when I didn’t need to and smiled when I didn’t need to, I just felt like it. It was never forced. it was natural to just be alive, all of that spark in my eyes, that fire in my belly— I miss that part of myself too
Most people have played the fun game of twenty questions before but sometimes it seems to me that people in the D/S lifestyle can jump into a relationship without really understanding what that amazing potential partner wants or expects. I believe we all know what that then leads to, discomfort, and possible dissolution of a new relationship. So, I thought of twenty questions that I feel should be asked rather than just assumed.
1. Are you single? This is a no-brainer right but it is amazing how many people just make this assumption only to find out that Mr. or Ms. Wonderful is otherwise in a relationship.
2. What style of relationship are you seeking, monogamous, poly, or open? Once again, many people make assumptions only to be blindsided down the yellow-brick relationship road when their new partner discusses poly or adding someone to the mix or is against doing this. Rather than be caught off guard, this is a must-ask.
3. Definitions are important, so make sure to ask what being dominant or submissive means to you. Within the lifestyle, so many people have different ideas of what these basic terms mean, this is also a must-ask. People are quick to color a potential partner with their definitions and it is vital to understand how the other person defines lifestyle roles.
4. How long ago was your last lifestyle relationship? This is important because there could be red flags if the person is just out of a partnership. If they are, then it means determining if you feel they are relationship-ready or if you might be just the ‘rebound’ date(s).
5. Have they had a lifestyle partnership before? The person you are interested in may well claim to have been around the lifestyle for a good amount of time but it is also important to know if in that time they have experienced a relationship with the lifestyle being a part of it.
6. What do you enjoy about the lifestyle? I feel that this is important because if a person is looking for more than just play, they talk about some of the non-play parts of the lifestyle. For example, a d-type may discuss how special it is to see a submissive grow or an s-type could share, they love not having to make every decision. Play might well be part of this but it can be a great way to see through someone who wants to play rather than engage in something deeper than a playship.
7. When it comes to lifestyle play, what are your must-haves? This is important, using myself as an example, I do not enjoy rope bondage at all. It is beautiful to look at when others do it but if that was something that was a must or something a potential partner enjoys, odds are, things are not going to mesh when it comes time to ‘enjoy’.
8. Safewords are critical, so please ask what are your safewords, and whether you have ever used them/had them used. Yes, I believe a d-type should have them so they could immediately stop play. If it needed to stop now rather than have time lost because the submissive thought, they were just ‘playing’. Submissives, if a dominant is dismissive towards safewords in any way, shape, or form, do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars, and never go on a date with them.
9. Ask how open are you about the lifestyle? Imagine meeting someone amazing but discovering they are completely open about the lifestyle, meaning everyone in their life knows they love them some BDSM but perhaps you are more careful with who knows your lifestyle choices. Understanding another’s openness or lack of it is very important because it can cause riffs or worse later.
10. Everyone has made horrific mistakes in past relationships, so I suggest asking, what was the worst mistake you have made as a dominant or submissive? Unless the person is new to the lifestyle, they will have a mistake to share or if they are newer, craft the question to just vanilla dating.
I am now going to suggest some very vanilla questions but I want to suggest these because it can be very easy to get caught up in lifestyle questions and forget your potential relationship will have to function in the vanilla world as well.
11. Are you looking for a forever relationship or something shorter? Very often people are surprised when they discover a person, they are dating is not looking for the same end goal as they are. Ask about this upfront because if they are looking for happily ever after and you are seeking happiness but not long term, there will be issues.
12. Would you be willing to move or would you want me to relocate? Many people here find themselves in long-distance relationships but have never really put thought into the ‘end game’ of actually living together. Discover this up front and know if you are in a place to relocate or if you would require your suitor to rent the moving van. Sadly, you may find someone completely amazing but find that relocating is not an option on both ends which would leave the relationship stranded in video dating hell forever. So, make sure you discover this before your dominant or submissive is just an image on your electronic device.
13. What are your goals in life? It is important that dreams and desires mesh.
14. What about those meddling kids? No, I am not suggesting a Scooby Do marathon for date night but if you have children, want them/more of them, or you are not someone who wants them, talk about it. In today’s world with co-parenting, single parenting, wanting to be a parent, or being determined to not be a parent discussing children and how they fit into a potential future is an important discussion.
15. How much alone time do they need? Some people need time alone to recharge and others recharge by being with their partner. Discover a prospect's alone time needs before there is a brouhaha because one side feels smothered and the other cannot understand why they do not want to always be with them.
The last five are indeed what I would call no-brainers but I am including them here because so often in the lifestyle people get lost in the world of spanking, floggers, and kinky fuckery while forgetting relationships happen in real life. There is a ton more than just these five questions but I am adding them here to be a reminder of this.
16. What do you do for a living? 17. What are your hobbies? 18. Share three activities you look forward to sharing with a future partner? 19. Tell me about your family. 20. What is your go-to type of music or artist?
I know this list is not a definitive guide to questions to ask in the amazing world of lifestyle dating but, in my time, involved in the lifestyle rodeo, sometimes it seems that people’s brains short-circuit when they meet someone truly amazing. While it is awesome to have had the honor to get to know someone like that, it is more than amazing to make a real-world relationship work. So, I hope these questions will help be a circuit breaker next time Ms. or Mr. Wonderful appears on a person’s dating radar.
©TLK2020
* God Save The Queen ~ Sex Pistols ~ Never Mind The Bollocks...
* Ocean Rain ~ Echo & The Bunnymen~ Ocean Rain
* Boys Don't Cry ~ The Cure ~ Three Imaginary Boys
* I've Been Everywhere ~ Jonny Cash ~ I've Been Everywhere
* Set The House Ablaze ~· The Jam ~ Sound Effects
* Love Her Madly~ The Doors ~ The Very Best of The Doors
* Your Bright Baby Blues ~ Jackson Browne ~ The Pretender
* In The Evening ~ Led Zepplin ~ In Through The Out Door
* 'Tis Autumn ~ Nat King Cole & His Trio ~The Best Of Nat King Cole & His Trio
* Ball And Chain ~ Social Distortion ~ Greatest Hits
Love Her Madly ~ The Doors
Don't ya love her madly?
Don't ya need her badly?
Don't ya love her ways?
Tell me what you say
Don't ya love her madly?
Wanna be her daddy?
Don't ya love her face?
Don't ya love her as she's walkin' out the door?
Like she did one thousand times before
Don't ya love her ways?
Tell me what you say?
Don't ya love her as she's walkin' out the door?
All your love
All your love
All your love
All your love
All your love is gone
So sing a lonely song
Of a deep blue dream
Seven horses seem to be on the mark
Yeah, don't you love her?
Don't you love her as she's walkin' out the door?
All your love
All your love
All your love
Yeah, all your love is gone
So sing a lonely song
Of a deep blue dream
Seven horses seem to be on the mark
Don't ya love her madly?
Well, don't ya love her madly?
Yeah, don't ya love her madly?
After the keen still days of September, the October sun filled the world with mellow warmth...The maple tree in front of the doorstep burned like a gigantic red torch. The oaks along the roadway glowed yellow and bronze. The fields stretched like a carpet of jewels, emeralds and topaz, and garnet. Everywhere she walked the color shouted and sang around her...In October any wonderful unexpected thing might be possible.
~Elizabeth George Speare
He’s moving slowly inside me. One of his hands holds one of mine. His whole body presses against me, rocking back and forth slowly. His lips are on my ear.
“You won’t come again for a long, long time.”
I nod my acceptance softly as he sweeps my hair out of my eyes. He kisses my temple.
“You’re mine.”
“Yes, Sir.”
He maintains his slow pace. It’s soft and sweet. Even so, I’m excruciatingly close to orgasm. An orgasm he won’t allow me.
If you took away his words, this sex would look so vanilla. There are no cuffs or chains or clamps. He’s not pounding into me. He’s not even fucking my ass as he often does. There was a time when sex like this would make my skin crawl. The slowness and the sweetness made me restless, and I wanted it over as soon as possible. Vanilla sex was never that great at holding my attention. I needed more. I needed hair pulling and nails digging into my hips and primal fucking.
Or at least, I thought I did. What I really needed was ownership—the mental calm that comes from being controlled by someone who craves my obedience. And here, I feel his ownership in every single moment. I know that I am a girl who doesn’t get to choose. I don’t choose when he fucks me or how, or whether I will be allowed release. I don’t even think about it. I just do what he chooses for me to do and feel what he chooses for me to feel. That’s it.
At this moment, his slowness and sweetness feel deliberate and controlled. They are part of his control over me. And I find myself needing it—needing his soft kisses and caresses and his slow rocking back and forth inside me. Every touch feels like a reminder that I am his.
He gives me a soft shhhh as I begin to whimper.
“I know little one. I know it’s hard, but you’re so beautiful when you struggle for me. You’re such a good girl. The best girl.”
He kisses my neck as he keeps a steady rhythm inside me. I am calm and present at this moment with him. It doesn’t feel vanilla to me at all. I’m not even sure that’s possible when he is him and I am me. Owner and property. I am his in all ways, even the soft and sweet ones. There’s nothing vanilla about that.
*Unknown
With a variety of ways to socialize at our disposal, is it any wonder we are watching the meaningful face-to-face exchange wither and die? We default to the short, shallow, emoji-laden exchanges, rather than the more prolonged conversations in person. The detailed catch-ups over a drink have been replaced with the snappy keypad hello. Texts trump dinner invitations and coffee dates. Quick and painless. Minimal effort. But I’m greedy. I want more. I want eye contact. I want you to hold my hand; feel you squeeze to emphasize your point. I want to smell your scent. Hear your laugh. See your smile. Wipe tears away. I need a real visceral connection not the glow of my phone. I can’t stomach another night alone, words without words, love without love. This isn’t my game. I politely bow out.
@daily-esprit-descalier
