It's All Relevant

She has rules. Not D/s rules, but dating rules. Guys don’t open doors. He walks between a girl and the street. He orders the food and drinks. Old-fashioned chivalry. It’s so natural the way he does it. Like it doesn’t even occur to him. And it affects me in ways I didn’t expect.

“What kind of men have you been dating?” he asks me, laughing after I confess that it takes a bit of getting used to. He tells me I need to value myself more. Aim higher.

But it’s not exactly about that. I do expect a lot from the people I date. And I have dated a number of people who made me feel cared for and protected. I’ve also dated people who haven’t lived up to that. Once in a snowstorm, a man I was dating didn’t even think to walk me to my car, let alone clean off my car for me. That was the moment I knew he wasn’t what I needed. I try to look for someone whose focus is on my well-being. Without that, I can’t submit. I can’t put my whole self in service of their needs when they aren’t attentive to mine.

But…this is different. This is a constant awareness of my body—where I am, how I’m moving, and what I need. And it also makes me aware of his body in ways I hadn’t expected. I stay put just as I’m told until he opens the door, offering me his hand or arm. I stay by his side, his hand in mine guiding me to where I should be. My eyes are on him at the restaurant, not the server. The self-assured way he orders my dinner makes me almost blush. He holds my jacket while I slide my arms inside. In every moment, my focus is on where he is and how he moves. Always near me, always guiding me.

By the end of the night, his attention and control ran through my body like a gently humming electrical current. He has cared for and protected me all night. And that has sparked in me an aching desire to serve him. Buttering his bread at dinner. And so much more when we get to his place.

I feel I’ve underestimated chivalry. It shifts my focus to him. Following him. Anticipating his moves. Relying on him. With his strength wrapped around me, I feel small and delicate and kept. And all I want to do is feed his strength with my service. To kneel for him. To hurt for him. To straighten his tie for him. Being so well cared for, I can’t help but be inspired.

*Unknown

It seems that the phrase “What are you into?” is one of the standard pickup lines used in the world of lifestyle dating. Now it is nowhere near as crass as some of the messages submissives receive but this one I know is used by both d-types and s-types. Not only is there that amazing line designed to find out if someone is kink compatible, but there are also sites out there where you can take a BDSM ‘quiz’ and in a hundred questions or less, the site will tell you what percentage dominant, submissive, switch, polyamorous, monogamous, sadist or masochist you are plus there are those old fashioned spreadsheets out there with just about every fetish known for a person to scroll through, pick if they are into, not into, curious about, how much they are into/not into, hard limits and I cannot forget a place for comments.

All of this makes me just want to facepalm because sadly many people in the lifestyle seem to have forgotten that finding a partner, a relationship, and dare I say, love, is still about people coming together, connecting as individuals, and having an attachment develop. Now I am not saying that kinks, fetishes, and lifestyle roles are not all parts of the process of lifestyle dating and relationships but every person is so much deeper than just “what they are into” and with this in mind, I want to share why I am not a fan of lifestyle quiz results or checklists:

I am not a sum of a list and there is so much more to me than words that name or describe activities that I enjoy.

The list leads to a spreadsheet mentality when getting to know someone new. People can look at my results, see that we match on 7 of the 10 things, and then assume there is a match made in kinky heaven. Unfortunately, relationships are not that easy. People cannot be matched up based on data, no matter how hard eHarmony markets its ‘scientific’ approach trying to convince everyone otherwise.

I believe the list causes people to want to talk about the kinky side of things too quickly. I have found that when two kinky people begin to get to know each other that when the time is right, the ‘kink’ will naturally make its way into the conversation. Adding the list can make it happen before it is naturally ready.

Some people say they would never be with a partner who would not do kink/sex activity X. I could never dismiss a possible partner because I wanted X and they wanted Z. If it is the right fit, both will discover the joys of each other rather than focus on specific acts. Intimacy is an amazing part of a relationship but I find people who insist on having a certain kink that this specific act is more important than a person. Which for me, is quite sad.

My kinks are ever-evolving and quite simply, I do not want to have to keep a list that will be out of date tomorrow and have ten new things to add in three days.

My mind is what drives me in the world of kink. This lifestyle is a very mental experience for me and the physical side of it is just icing on the cake.

Because things are mental for me, I am not about matching up kinks but matching up minds. When I find that connection, things that I might think of as a “must” become irrelevant and something I had not considered jumps to a must-have.

So often in the world of kink, it is very easy to get caught up in the fantasy or lust for specific activities however when we do that we lose sight of the most important part of it all. People and those we choose to invite into a relationship are much more significant than a list of kinks. This is why I believe it is time we set aside the lists, labels, and preset ideals, and return to investing in and getting to know people for who they are inside rather than the fetishes they admit to on the outside.

*Unknown

“Because the birdsong might be pretty,
But it's not for you they sing,
And if you think my winter is too cold,
You don't deserve my spring.”
― Erin Hanson

I ask you, what’s more, important than true connection? With it, we have the ability to cultivate a life with weight and girth. A beautifully robust life. Foster healthy relationships built upon trust, respect, kindness, and honesty, but only when we allow the most vulnerable selves to be seen. Open ourselves completely to the energy of another and give and receive without judgment. Trust and feel safe. Connection can be that which gets you through the rough patches, and the difficult conversations, and lift you up on days you feel less than yourself. Connection strengthens us. It makes us feel valued. Heard. Connection can also heal. Remind us we aren’t alone; there is nothing more powerful than when someone hears the song inside you.

“When we know ourselves to be connected to all others, acting compassionately is simply the natural thing to do.”

It is a modern irony that we live in a society that has so many ways to connect, so many ways to reach out, and yet we rarely put forth the effort to build connections. We talk, post, blog, and say nothing. Unfortunately, we’ve become increasingly more insular and cut off. Cyber recluses. Connections take effort. They take time. Connections are investments and need to be nurtured.

“Real relationships are the product of time spent, which is why so many of us have so few of them.”

Many things, you’ll discover in time, can be short-lived. Physical attraction, money and success, and the boxes and boxes of stuff we buy to fill our misunderstood needs. Connection can transcend all that. If you find someone that gets you; listens to your heart, your fears, your everything. Someone you can drop your armor with. Be you with. Sees your worth. Someone who shares with you a mental and even spiritual connection. Someone who stirs your soul and inspires you. That is when you will see the greatness of connection. That is when you’ll know true intimacy.

~daily-esprit-descalier

As I sit on the dunes, watching the sunset. With a blanket wrapped around me. I shiver in my silk nightie. I start to think about him. It’s been a while since I’ve seen him, and I miss how he smells. Especially, his aftershave. It's funny what you think about when you’ve been missing someone.

The last time we spoke it left a bitter taste in my mouth. How could we have shared so much, and now be left with so little? I started to think back to the days when we were happy. Was it really that long ago? I really missed him.

I can feel the wind blowing harder now. I’m starting to shiver. I remember now why it’s insane to think about him. It’s a kind of old love that never entirely leaves you. It’s a dangerous thing, going for walks, in old haunts.

The Darwin Awards are something that is always good for a laugh and if you do not know what these ‘awards’ are for, well simply they are given to individuals who acted so stupidly that it resulted in their death. The award-winning incidents may be real or the fiction of human minds but the stories at least are always worth a laugh. Here in the lifestyle, there are activities, play, and actions that can be highly erotic, sensual, and orgasmic but if the people involved do not know
what they are doing, it can result in serious, permanent harm and death.

This might be a bit of a Debbie Downer topic but we need to talk about what happens if something goes wrong. Yes, Master Chokezilla, it was an accident and you never meant to hurt, Natalie Newbie. So let’s speculate for a minute, that Chokezilla just injured Ms. Newbie during play but being the responsible person he is, he called emergency services or took her to a hospital/clinic for care. Very commendable but he has opened up a huge new can of worms. First, even though it was consensual, it looks like domestic violence and to Dr. Valerie Vanilla, ER doctor extraordinaire, it is abuse. In most places, Dr. Vanilla will be required to call law enforcement and in more and more places, it is no longer up to Natalie if Chokezilla will be charged with a crime but law enforcement. When that is coupled with the ‘evidence’ Dr. Vanilla collected treating Ms. Newbie, there is a good chance ‘Zilla’ will be guilty of assault/domestic violence or if he is lucky just have legal bills from here to eternity. More than likely he gets a taxpayer-paid vacation prison, followed by no chance of having a career. Even places that require asking “would you like fries with that” stay away from those charged/convicted of domestic violence. Maybe if Zilla is an NFL player, he will just get a couple of weeks' vacation and be back to ‘work’ but that discussion is for another day. If things went very wrong, and Ms. Newbie tragically passes, consensual or not Master Chokezilla is going to go to prison, period end of the story.

With that said, how many reading this know what R.A.C.K. or S.S.C stand for? There will be some of you who do but for those that do not, this is the shorthand for two of the most well-known theories or viewpoints on how participants in the lifestyle treat the risks they are taking. Now, this is not about which one is correct, incorrect, or better, please no debating this here. Risk Aware Consensual Kink and Safe, Sane, and Consensual are what both of these abbreviations mean. No matter which you practice, it is paramount that the risks are understood by everyone involved. No matter how safe you are in your kinky engagements, mistakes happen, things go wrong, and you HAVE to know what you are doing.

For example, a few weeks there was a conversation with a new dominant who was reaching out for advice. This gentleman and his partner were both new to the lifestyle and relied on FetLife, Reddit, and blogs for how-to advice. There is some amazing, spot-on teaching happening in all those places but there is a ton of malarkey, too. He brought up the play that he enjoys with his partner and the first thing he expressed was that he loved spanking her body from head to toe, sometimes “hitting hard”. Then without pausing, he rolls into how they are looking forward to their first experience with doing ATM play, ass to mouth, not spending all their money. When he finished, the newer d-type was asked if he knew the places on the body that you should not spank or impact. To which the reply was, “I hit her all over and it never seems to hurt her other than some bruises”. Facepalm moment, which was followed by this question, with both of you on board with ATM play, do you both understand and accept the health risks of this activity? This dominant’s reply, “Can you tell me the risks, please?” Facepalm again.

Not only are there risks to life and limb from lifestyle activities but legal risks that people need to be aware of and understand and not just like those in the above fictional misadventure of Chokezilla and Newbie. A quick read at The Marshall Project, which is a nonpartisan, not-for-profit organization that works to highlight issues in U.S. criminal justice system, shows some of the things many are unaware of when engaging in play. Such as:

Any object used for the titillation of naughty bits is illegal to make/sell in Alabama, sorry no dildos for y’all, and should you just not be able to control yourself, plan on shelling out twenty grand and enjoying up to a year of accommodations provided in a facility to be determined by the state.

How about some good old-fashioned anal sex. Not if you live in these states because sodomy is illegal in Alabama, Florida, Idaho, Kansas, Louisiana, Michigan, Mississippi, Missouri, North Carolina, Oklahoma, South Carolina, Texas, Utah, and Virginia. In Louisiana, it is called a “crime against nature”. Yes, there was a court case that threw out laws that forbade it between same-sex partners, so things were changed that just made it illegal for everyone.

What do you say we just do a little bondage? If you live in New York state, having handcuffs is against the law unless you are employed as law enforcement, a PI, or rent-a-cop. Maybe time to start the Paul Blart Mall Cop Bondage Insititute. If you are not one of those you get a hefty fine and as a bonus, jail time. Now if you live in the penis-shaped state, home of the Magic Kinkdom, you can have those handcuffs, cuffs, and stuff, just not in the butt, of your partner/playmate however you cannot possess a key to the cuffs. Those are illegal. So just leave your partner/playmate cuffed when you are done?

In the legal world, “Consent is not a defense,” according to Susan Wright of the National Coalition For Sexual Freedom and it is important to remember this when you choose to accept the legal risks that go along with the play you wish to engage in. Not only must a person understand the physical risks but the legal risks that play may bring.

Many people approach the lifestyle because they love the fun and games, the role plays, and even the bounds of trust created by power exchange but they do not educate themselves on how to safely engage in their kinks. If you are dominant or submissive, you must know the risks, both legal and physical of the play you engage in. It sounds simple but if you are into breath play, do you know how to do rescue breaths/CPR? Did you make sure that your partner knew how to safely choke and save you should something go wrong or did you just blindly trust as they closed off your access to air? No matter your role, you must educate yourself on how to safely engage in your kinks as well as learn/accept the risks of those acts. It is not anyone else’s responsibility but your own. No blaming a blog post, online video, or alternative facts if things go haywire. This lifestyle is a serious business, so make it your business to know what you are doing, understand, and accept the risks before you move forward. The life you save truly may be your own.

If you were chatting with someone about the risks of D/S, what things would you stress?

©TLK2023

This is a message I received a few months ago. I thought It was an excellent read. I wanted to share it.

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The city is making you hungry, lonely, and restless. And life is short. And even shorter here, it seems. So, here you are.

About you:

You are a "thinking Dom's sub". In fact, very few men inspire submission in you ... Really. it's a dilemma. You are smart. You are instinctual. You are kind. You are petulant. You are confident. You are insecure. You are capable. You are sensual. You are noticed when you walk into a room. You are beautiful.

You are intuitive. You are cute. You are sexy. You are imperfect. You have a good sense of style. You are creative. You are honest. you are genuine. Sometimes you like kissing girls. You are usually restless. you try hard. you procrastinate. You make a good living. You are lucky. you would giggle if you were made to call someone, "my Lord".

You are all for "Sir". You are well-read. You watch too much TV. You have good manners and perfect penmanship
You love the "edge' you are willing. You are grinning right now. You are nasty and graceful. And ready to look into what else you may be. I think it's safe to say most Doms would not be disappointed.

A little about Me:

I have that Alpha thing going. I am honest. I am intuitive. I am funny. I am focused. I am strong. Very strong. I am genuine. I have integrity. And the strength of character. And talent. I am good at this. I know how to handle you. I will know when you are trying to control the situation and I won't allow it. I am smarter than you. (intended) More intuitive than you. You won't know what to expect next. You won't be able to write the script. I know a woman's body well. I am tall. I am charismatic. I am irreverent. I don't wear cheap things. I am in control. I am perceptive. I am creative. I am sexy. I am stern. I am gentle. I know the difference between "your" and "you're". I love what I do for a living. I am single. I am passionate. I enjoy a woman giving herself over to me in a very deep way. It's my nature.

What you want:

You and I want the stillness and quiet mind that comes when you give in. I want the pleasure that comes when you please me. You want me to know it is no "gift" you give. You are doing what you need to. You want easy silence. And we want easy laughter. You want the loss of control. You want to go past or over or beyond what you imagine the edge to be. You want to feel safe with someone taking you there. You want to trust that someone will bring you back. You want to learn. You want to be pushed. You want to be challenged. You want to be wanted. You want the freedom that comes with complete surrender and submission. You want to respect me. I will make you nervous. Few do. You want to be played with. You want to be used. You want to be bound. You want to give me what I want. Or you want me to take it if that's what I want. You want to be completely uninhibited and you want to feel what that's like. You want to be accepted after that. You want that small smile to cross your lips the next day when you think of what happened the night before. You want that heat that comes from your passion and surrender and my passion and control. You want to be devoured and ripped apart. And seen. And then you want to want to stay. And you want to stay looking at the person who did it. Then you might want pancakes. You want the chemistry And you want the real deal. And you want the truth...

The first time you ever play with someone might be exciting and nerve-wracking at the same time. As with anything new you must be cautious and make your safety the utmost importance. Even if you know the other person, playing together for the first time means you need to be wary of what might happen and how it might happen. Here are a few dos and don’ts you might want to keep in mind.

DO: Play With Someone You Know And Is Trustworthy
An important acronym in BDSM is SSC “Safe, Sane, And Consensual”

One way of making sure you live by the safe and sane part is to ensure you only ever engage in any form of BDSM with someone you truly know inside and out and who has proven through thick and thin they are trustworthy.

Remember trust is earned and it is earned through a person’s actions proving they are trustworthy. This takes time which means being patient and selective of who you give your trust to. That is why I suggest only playing with people who you have known for long periods of time as they have taken the time to show you they are trustworthy and you have seen who they truly are as a person. This is an essential part for any of the rest of this list to work.

“First Comes Trust Then Comes Submission”

The same should be said for Domination, bondage, flogging, etc., etc., etc.

Trust should come before any play ever takes place. Trust is when a person’s actions match their words proven over a period of time. It is not earned instantaneously.

DON’T: Play With Anybody You Don’t Know And Don’t Trust
First Time Playing BDSMI knowing the unknown can be super exciting, but the unknown is also not safe. The reason is since you don’t know this person, you do not know the most important things about them including whether:

Are they a sociopath or psychopaths with little to no empathy for others
Are they trustworthy and thereby will abide by your agreement and respect your limits
Are mentally healthy and stable enough to play
Do they have any anger issues
Do they know what they are doing and understand the safety measures they must follow
etc.
It is important for people to not underestimate the dangers they can face being with someone they don’t know. In a BDSM play scene, people are placed into very vulnerable and truly compromising positions with no way to protect themselves other than a safe word that you have no idea will stop the scene when you are with someone you don’t know.

Chances are fairly high that the idea of being tied up naked in the middle of a subway station in downtown New York, would be a dangerous thing to do. You are completely vulnerable and at the mercy of complete strangers. There is no telling what kind of danger you could be in.

Well, I hate to say it but it is just as unsafe to pick one of those complete strangers and go play with them in a private setting. Just because they have nice eyes, broad shoulders, a round ass or seem like a nice person does not mean they are safe to play with.

Most dangerous people can hide their true selves over a short period, but over a longer period, their true colors will be revealed.

Dominants you may think that this warning doesn’t include you because you won’t be put in a compromising vulnerable position. However, you must also be careful of playing with anybody you don’t know and trust, because you never know how they will respond to a play scene and the actions they may take afterward.

DO: Make agreements
While this might be something you’ve heard, again and again, it bears repeating: make agreements before you start playing together. The first time, it’s even more important to have a clear game plan of what will happen, how long it will happen, what will happen if things don’t work out, etc. The more you can be detailed at the start, the easier it will be to manage the first scene together.

Dominants even more important play within the agreement and do not stray outside of it. You gave your word to abide by the agreement, during play is your time to prove you are a trustworthy Dominant that will respect the agreements you have made with the submissive you are playing with.

DON’T: ‘See what happens’
The worst thing you could do would be to go into a scene without any idea about what might happen. This can cause trouble with managing boundaries and understanding when something isn’t working.

If you just decide to wing it and see what happens plan to deal with the consequences afterward. This tends to include limits being broken, emotions erupting, physical damage occurring, and traumatized participants. BDSM is meant to be exciting and fun and nothing in that list sounds exciting and fun to deal with.

DO: Let others know
Before you go to the scene, let a trusted friend or two know where you will be and when you expect to get back. This will ensure your whereabouts are always known and that someone can do something if you don’t come back on time.

DON’T: Be secretive
Some might want to keep things secret, and nobody is saying you have to scream what you are doing to the rafters or your family members, but a close friend or friends should know what you are doing, where you are going, and who you are with. You must have a backup plan to ensure your safety, this is called a safety call

DO: Communicate when you’re in pain or need to stop
Whenever you’re in a scene and something isn’t working, you need to make sure you’re communicating with your partner. You need to use your safe word and you need to make sure things stop. Since your partner will not know what is painful to you, they need to have direct communication to ensure things aren’t causing harm. Make sure to use the same safe word that you agreed to, and don’t be afraid to say something more powerful if they don’t get the hint the first time. Better to stop too early than to stop things too late.

DON’T: Try to tough it out to show the other person you can take it
Some submissives want so badly to impress their new Dominant that they will go beyond their pain threshold. But while this might seem to be a noble thing, it can also cause long-term harm to your body. Instead, be willing to speak up as soon as something hurts, even if it doesn’t seem to be a big deal. The Dominant will then know that you are going to communicate, and they can focus on their tasks and goals knowing you are working with them to create an experience you will both enjoy.

DO: Keep the session short
During the first session with a new person, it’s a good idea to keep the session short and sweet. This way, you can have a good time and you can look forward to more meetings if things work out. Longer sessions can work too, but it’s a better idea to focus on something working well than to see how long you can be in a scene together.

Enjoy a light soft scene with your new partner, and you will keep them longing for more. Try to push them to their absolute limit, which you have no idea where that limit currently exists and chances are good it will end in disaster.

DON’T: Have an unlimited timeframe
Another great thing about having a short first session is that you will know the end time and others in your life will know too so they can check on you, thus leading back to your safety call. When you say that you’re going to have a session for a night, you might end up in harm’s way or you might open yourself up to injuries. Either way the bigger the window the more opportunity for something to go wrong and nobody knowing about it to be able to help you.

DO: Stick to something simple
There is no need to impress the Dominant on the first scene together, so stick to something simple. When you do that, you’ll be able to enjoy what happens and look forward to making things more complicated in the future. I know we as human beings can get overly excited but always remember “Less Is More”

DON’T: Put Yourself In A Vulnerable Position
This is the first time you are playing with this person, so you are stepping into unknown territory. You need to be in a position where you can easily put a stop to a scene. That means being able to pick yourself up with your own force and moving yourself to a safer place if your safe word is not being respected.

Activities that restrict you in any way should be avoided in your first encounter with someone else:

Bondage
Blindfolds/hoods
Gags
Electro-stimulation
Wrestling
etc.
DON’T: Try the most complicated BDSM Activities
Even if you’re both experienced, complicated scenes just invite the possibility of things going wrong when you don’t know exactly what the other person likes or how they react. Instead, allow yourself to enjoy what is happening in a simple scene and sketch out more difficult endeavors when you know each other better.

DO: Use Your Own Toys

Any toy that is being used on your body, should be owned/cleaned by the person it is being used on. Most times this is the submissive or bottom in the scene. If you don’t know:

how clean is the toy being used
If the toy has even been cleaned
If the toy has been used before
Or who the toy has been used on previously (which should be nobody)
Then it is safe to say you should not have that toy used on you. This is usually why it is a good idea that submissives bring their own toys, so they can be aware of who the toy has been used on and how clean it is considering it is going to be used on them. Learn more about a submissive’s responsibility with BDSM toys here.

DON’T: Leave immediately after
While your schedule might require you to leave as soon as a scene is over, you will want to leave just a few minutes time for some aftercare and some decompression. When you leave immediately, you can end up leaving a person in a bad sub or Dom drop, emotionally and physically drained and/or hurt. Give your partner the respect of having the comfort and support of being able to come down from a scene gently in a safe environment.

DO: Talk about how it went afterward
The best way to learn from what you have done is to talk about the scene when it is finished. You can talk about what worked, what didn’t, and what you might do differently the next time. This might be an opportunity to talk about what you thought you would like but didn’t. Or you might offer suggestions for trying something similar in the future.

DO: Be honest
Of course, you want to be honest when you’re first starting to play with someone. It’s best to share what you thought, rather than trying to play nice and not hurt their feelings. You don’t have to be cruel either, but being honest is the best way to see if you’re the right fit for each other.

DON’T: Be vague or accommodating
If you aren’t clear about what worked, the other person will never know. If you are not clear about how you feel or how it made you feel, your partner will never know. If you want this to work on in the future, they need to know.

When it comes to playing with someone for the first time, you want to make sure you’re being honest, safe, and direct always. Though you might not be a good fit, you should both have a pleasant time with each other.

Some partners will hit it off right away, while others will need to have more time practicing to see if they’re the best matchup. And sometimes, you might get into a scene for a few minutes and you’ll know that things aren’t going to work out.

No matter what example you are, remember that the first time requires rigorous attention to your safety with special care and special attention provided to your partner. No one is saying to not have fun, but it is important that both the Dom and sub take the responsibility for themselves and their partner seriously. In the end, this will develop a safer and more supportive environment where both partners can feel more at ease and able to enjoy themselves.

BDSM Training Academy~