* More Than Words~ Extreme ~Extreme II * Sunday Morning ~ Maroon 5 ~ 1*22*05 ~ Acoustic * Breathe ~ (2 AM) ~Acoustic Version~ * Yellow ~ Coldplay ~ Acoustic Version ~ * “Seasons” ~ Adam Levine Covers Chris Cornell’s Seasons ~Howard Stern Show (2017) * Maybe I'm Amazed ~ Paul Mc Cartney ~ Remastered 2011 * Going To California ~ Led Zepplin ~ Led Zepplin IV * Redemption Song ~ Bob Marley ~ Uprising * Fast Car ~ Tracy Chapman ~ Tracy Chapman * Girl ~ The Beatles ~ Rubber Soul * I'm Looking Through You~ The Beatles ~Rubber Soul
Girl ~ The Beatles ~ Rubber Soul
Is there anybody going to listen to my story All about the girl who came to stay? She's the kind of girl You want so much; it makes you sorry Still, you don't regret a single day Ah, girl, girl
When I think of all the times I tried so hard to leave her She will turn to me and start to cry And she promises the earth to me And I believe her After all this time I don't know why Ah, girl, girl
She's the kind of girl who puts you down When friends are there You feel a fool When you say she's looking good She acts as if it's understood She's cool, ooh, ooh, ooh Girl, girl, girl
Was she told when she was young That pain would lead to pleasure? Did she understand it when they said That a man must break his back To earn his day of leisure? Will she still believe it when he's dead? Ah, girl, girl, girl Ah, girl, girl
Within D/S there are what feels like a zillion and one different acronym with some being more important than others, especially for those who are newer to the lifestyle. I am not going to write a list of all of these or create a list of the ones I feel are more important than others because we would be here for hours and hours plus my rankings would not, in my opinion, be important to anyone but myself. So rather than bore the world and possibly have a debate or two which would never resolve, I want to focus on just three acronyms that pair beautifully with a side of fries. This troika with fries, besides allowing me to say prick while not referencing a twattwaffle or baloney pony, I feel is important for everyone in the lifestyle to understand, find which of these is a fit, and share a few additional thoughts I believe are important to chat about.
The lifestyle acronyms I want to define and chat briefly about today are SSC, RACK, and PRICK. These wonderful words, for those who do not know, all reference how people choose to practice the lifestyle. Now, class, it is time for your acronyms, and their definitions, from Kinkly.com, and Friday will be your quiz. Just kidding on the quiz, middle school language arts classes are in everyone’s rearview mirror, so here are the definitions:
Safe, sane, and consensual (SSC) is one of the philosophies surrounding ethically acceptable behavior in BDSM, kink, and alternative sexuality communities. Safe means that the risk of activities should be understood by all participants and either eliminated or reduced as much as possible. Sane refers to the need to approach activities in a sensible and realistic frame of mind, and with an understanding of the difference between fantasy and reality. Consensual means that all participants have freely consented to the activity and were in a state of mind to do so.
Risk-aware consensual kink (RACK) is a philosophy governing BDSM activities and behaviors. Risk-aware means that all the participants know the risks involved in the activity (BDSM activities are not always risk-free). Consensual means that all the participants have freely consented to the activity, and that no one has been coerced.
Personal responsibility informed consensual kink (PRICK) describes a philosophical view held within some sectors of the BDSM community. This philosophy emphasizes the personal responsibility of participants involved in risky sexual behaviors who must individually consent to the behavior after personally understanding and considering its risks.
I am not writing this to express which one of these three is the best, or better than the rest because it is a matter of discovering what is a personal fit. I will share that if you are ever in a situation where you can observe a discussion of which one of these is believed to be superior, especially online, make some popcorn, pull up a chair, sit back, and watch the drama/trolling get rolling. Some people tend to be very passionate, to put it kindly, about their methodology and this comes through clearly when these are debated.
As I said, I am not here to discuss which method should be used as that is up to each person, I do want to share a few things that I feel are fundamental to understand no matter how one practices this lifestyle:
SSC is typically the practice that experience has shown me that newer people the lifestyle often adopt with RACK and PRICK being practices that some move towards as they gain experience. This does not hold with everyone but it is often the case.
In SSC, some will question who decides what is both safe as well as sane? Because there is no Grand D/S Poobah who would decree such things, it is up to the people engaging in the activities to determine what is both safe and sane. So, what one person considers sane and safe, another may disagree.
Pretty much every lifestyle activity comes with some risk involved, heck pretty much everything in life comes with some level of risk involved. It is up to each person to understand this and for example, spanking of a banging bottom, a simple and very common lifestyle bit of fun has risks because a simple slip of the hand or implement results in a misplaced wallop landing on the kidneys rather than a beautiful butt can cause serious, potentially life-altering, damage. If you are unsure of the dangers, do your homework before you engage in the activity.
No matter how a person decides to get their kink on, there is one letter that flows between all three methods and that is the BIG C. Not only is the big c the best burger at my favorite drive-in restaurant (as soon as I typed big c my brain defaulted to Clyde’s) but here in the lifestyle, it is all about consent. Consent is a topic that is written and talked about extensively. Consent, consent, consent, and at times it feels that those who are newer sort of turn their noses up in a smug, “I KNOW already” manner. Consent is talked about so often that it can make newbie Smuggly McSmug-Face feel as though it is harping but it is not. This one sad but true fact should grab everyone’s attention, no matter if newer or experienced:
According to the National Coalition For Sexual Freedom, within the first five years of joining or exploring the D/S lifestyle, one in five people report that they had an incident where their consent was violated. Since I went off track just a minute ago thinking about my favorite roadside burger along with consent, what pairs perfectly with both burgers and consent? Congratulations, you are a winner if you said fries. Now the fries with the burger a different than the consenting type because consent FRIES is an amazing acronym to help understand and make sure consent is being done properly in real-world settings. This acronym stands for:
Freely Given – This means no one is being convinced, bullied, guilt-tripped, and/or pressured in any way into their decision to participate in an activity. Sadly, I need to add this, no one with an altered mental state, for example, drunk or floating in sub-space, can give consent.
Reversible – At any point in time everyone has the RIGHT to change their mind. This can be communicated by saying anything from “I changed my mind” to a safe word.
Informed – Think of informed as you have explained thoroughly the act(s) you want to do, the risks, as well as the rewards to your partner/playmate, and they have done the research and thus they are making an informed decision to engage in the activities with you.
Enthusiastic – If everyone involved is not geeked, eager, and/or thrilled then you must consider their answer as a NO. Someone can be both eager and nervous but they must be excited about the project. No does not mean convince or pressure.
Specific – Just because a person has said yes to something, does not make it acceptable to think other things are hunky-dory. For example, a submissive said yes to wearing a skirt with no panties out to dinner, per the dominant’s request, but that does not give the d-type consent to touch her under the table.
Understanding what manner is the best fit for an individual to practice their kinds is important as well as understanding exactly what it means to consent as well. Since twenty percent of people who are newer to the lifestyle have their consent violated, conversations about consent must continue, happen often, and as a community, I believe, if one should observe a person, especially a less experienced individual, potentially making a choice that could put that at risk, reach out and speak to them with kindness while expressing your concerns. I feel the more outreach both online and in-person communities do, the safer we can make the lifestyle. On a final note, here is the reminder that the only person anyone can count on to keep them safer is themselves.
I ask you, what’s more important than true connection? With it, we have the ability to cultivate a life with weight and girth. A beautifully robust life. Foster healthy relationships built upon trust, respect, kindness, and honesty, but only when we allow the most vulnerable selves to be seen. Open ourselves completely to the energy of another and give and receive without judgment. Trust and feel safe. A connection can be that which gets you through the rough patches, the difficult conversations and lifts you up on days you feel less than yourself. Connection strengthens us. It makes us feel valued. Heard. A connection can also heal. Remind us we aren’t alone; there is nothing more powerful than when someone hears the song inside you.
“When we know ourselves to be connected to all others, acting compassionately is simply the natural thing to do.”
It is a modern irony that we live in a society that has so many ways to connect, so many ways to reach out, and yet we rarely put forth the effort to build connections. We talk, post, blog, and say nothing. Unfortunately, we’ve become increasingly insular and cut off. Cyber recluses. Connections take effort. They take time. Connections are investments and need to be nurtured.
“Real relationships are the product of time spent, which is why so many of us have so few of them.”
Many things you’ll discover in time can be short-lived. Physical attraction, money and success, and the boxes and boxes of stuff we buy to fill our misunderstood needs. A connection can transcend all that. If you find someone that gets you, they listen to your heart, your fears, everything. Someone you can drop your armor with. Be you with. Sees your worth. Someone who shares with you a mental and even spiritual connection. Someone who stirs your soul and inspires you. That is when you will see the greatness of connection. That is when you’ll know true intimacy.
* Take It To The Limit ~ The Eagles ~ One Of These Nights * Love Ain't For Keeping ~ The Who ~ Who's Next * If I Needed Someone ~ The Beatles ~ Rubber Soul * The Waiting ~ Tom Petty & Eddie Vedder ~ Denver Stadium 7/03/06 * It's All Over Now Baby Blue ~ Bob Dylan~ Bringing It All Back Home * Legalize It ~ Peter Tosh ~ Legalize It * Love You Madly ~ Cake ~ Comfort Eagle * Time And Time Again ~ Counting Crows ~August And Everything After * The Fly ~ U2 ~ Achtung Baby * Captain ~ Dave Matthew Band ~ Busted Stuff
The Fly ~ U2
Oh, baby child
It's no secret that the stars are falling from the sky It's no secret that our world is in darkness tonight They say the sun is sometimes eclipsed by the moon You know I don't see you when she walks in the room
It's no secret that a friend is someone who lets you help It's no secret that a liar won't believe in anyone else They say a secret is something you tell one other person So I'm telling you, child
Oh love, we shine like a burning star We're falling from the sky tonight
A man will beg A man will crawl On the sheer face of love Like a fly on a wall It's no secret at all
It's no secret that a conscience can sometimes be a pest It's no secret, ambition bites the nails of success Every artist is a cannibal, every poet is a thief All kill their inspiration and sing about their grief
Oh love, we shine like a burning star We're falling from the sky tonight
A man will rise A man will fall From the sheer face of love Like a fly from a wall It's no secret at all
Oh love, we shine like a burning star We're falling from the sky tonight
Oh love, we shine like a burning star We're falling from the sky tonight
A man will rise A man will fall From the sheer face of love Like a fly from a wall It's no secret at all
It's no secret that the stars are falling from the sky The universe exploded 'cause of one man's lie Look, I gotta go, yeah, I'm running outta change There's a lot of things if I could I'd rearrange
I get it, it’s hard to be patient, it’s hard to deprive yourself of the relationship you’re either excited to try or you’ve been missing since your last. I understand it’s difficult to find someone that seems to be the puzzle piece that matches your kink and has to wait. But it is goddamn important.
I see so many problems from people that come down to them not wanting to wait to really get to know someone before the collar and the rules came out (that and poor communication, but that’s a future writing). Being patient, waiting, learning who they are, and finding out if they really practice what they preach… are not optional steps.
A dominant can’t possibly throw rules at a submissive if they don’t know what the submissive needs. A dominant can’t possibly know if they should accept a submissive submission if they don’t really know who the submissive is. A dominant can’t begin to take on the responsibility of accepting someone’s submission if the dominant does not know that they are the right person to lead that submissive.
You cannot possibly know you’re dealing with a dominant and not a manipulative, abusive pseudo-dom until you’ve taken the time to find out just what makes that person tick. Don’t offer the gift of your submission to someone that manages to send the right texts for a couple of days, offers you some dick pics, and orders you to send back nudes of yourself. And that's about all he does.
Whether it’s a dominant taking on a submissive or the submissive offering their submission to a dominant, both are accepting a grave responsibility. Don’t shortcut it, take your time, talk, spend time together, and get to know that person. Do Your Due Diligence. Find out if they’re who they claim to be and find out if they’re really the person that’s going to provide what you need.
I don’t remember the day or even the month, but I remember the feeling vividly. I was wandering aimlessly, searching for everything and nothing, then all of a sudden there it was. I couldn’t believe my eyes. The things they were saying were things I’d thought, things I wanted, things I was too embarrassed to admit to anyone. And here they were - men and women - talking about those feelings I had, one darker than the next, and giving it - of it - a name.
D/s.
Dominance and submission.
I started reading and couldn’t stop. I flitted from room to room, watching the conversations roll by, the experiences people shared with me, and other anonymous faces behind a screen. They were open and honest and raw. I don’t know how much time passed before I took an effective breath, but with it came the realization I was not alone. I was not a freak. What I wanted - no, what I needed - was something other people wanted and needed, as well.
It was 20 years ago. Now I look back and cringe quite often, but I wouldn’t trade those years for anything. I have a lot of ‘If I knew then what I know now…’ moments, but I wouldn’t go back and do it again, because you have to go through it to learn it. You just do. Because your track is different than the next person, and to learn what you need to learn takes living it yourself.
So, what do twenty years teach you? Here are some things I’ve learned:
*Not everyone likes the spotlight; it’s ok to live D/s very privately *It’s ok to make things like rope bondage and tickling hard limits; it’s ok to make anything a hard limit *Dominants can use a safe word or otherwise stop an activity *You can be the one to walk away; you don’t have to be ‘released’ from shit *Liars and cheaters will always lie and cheat *Moving quickly rarely leads to longevity *Your gut is never wrong; listen to it *It’s ok to not look like a fetish model; most people don’t *Sex can feel good even without having an orgasm *Squirting orgasms are a bit of a parlor trick, and they don’t always feel as good as other types of orgasms *You deserve as much pleasure as he does *If the effort isn’t there, in the beginning, it never will be *You can kneel in slip-on Converse just as well as you can in heels *You can be a kick-ass submissive and not own a single piece of lingerie *You can defer to someone and respect them as a leader even while watching *Netflix and eating steak nachos with your fingers *Dominants can get sick and be huge babies and still be worthy of obedience and respect *Not every Dominant is an executive with an expense account *Submissive’s can make more than their partner’s *You don’t have to say ‘’ to feel it in your bones *You can love someone and not be a match *Toxicity isn’t gender-specific *Wanting to be wanted can lead to seriously poor decision-making *It’s ok to demand more for yourself; having standards solidifies self-worth *Strength is a process *Submission doesn’t cease to exist when you’re single *Submission doesn’t end when you hit 30 or 50 or 70 *You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do *You can change your mind *You can use your voice *You have to use your voice
Every time I start to think about how things have changed over the years I have to stop and remind myself: Nothing has changed but you. Sometimes I think about the 27-year-old, the 34-year-old, hell - even the 40-year-old, and I cringe. The mistakes she made. The positions (literally and figuratively) she put herself in. How much mental and emotional energy she expended on a Dominant. How much she didn’t know.
How much more she still has to learn.
But I’ll tell you what: If the next twenty bring as much joy as the last twenty, I’m in for one hell of a ride. And I want all of it - every bump and swoop and whirl. The twists and turns are what make you who you are.
“She’s the perfect combination of mysterious and subtle, all while emulating an open book that waits for every page to be touched, to be turned, to be read again and again. She’s a worldly paradox beyond my comprehension, a seamless dress unraveling her every desire, and a rapid cloak of fire burning every one of mine. She’s an arbitrary holiday everyone is dying to celebrate, a volatile story with an ending that you’re dying to figure out, and a climactic plot that keeps you at the edge of your seat. She’s the breeze that caresses you when you walk into a cool room on a hot summer day and the warmth of a blanket wrapped around you as you sit by the fire on a blisteringly cold December night. She’s that new favorite song you hear in a coffee shop that you’ll never hear again, but you’ll always replay it in your head, dying to know its name. She’s a foreign film full of words you can’t comprehend, but regardless, you fall into this deep infatuation. And if only she were granted the chance to see herself from my perspective, she would forever be in disbelief. For she has never delved into the kind of love that squeezes the heart likewise of a dress two sizes too small. And she gazes at me skeptically, unaware of just how much she means to me. So, every single day, I’ll remind her until it is nothing short of crystal clear. Every single day, she’ll make my heart beat indefensibly fast. And every single day, I’ll love her more than I did the last. She’ll continually wonder why I have waited this long, but she’ll soon come to realize that it was only her who has occupied the vacated room in my heart. And yes, it does feel as though I’ve waited a lifetime. But if I have, I’d patiently wait for another. And if you only knew her, you wouldn’t hesitate to endeavor.”
Desire gets a bad rap. It makes us do things our parents told us we're wrong. It doesn’t like rules and it doesn’t abide by the laws of appropriateness. It eats more than a lady should, in more ways than one. It uses the good china when there’s not even company coming over. And there is nothing else that is so real, so true, and so yours. Desire is your own personal treasure map. It is your guide to becoming the person you were meant to be. Desire is not an indulgence, an enemy, an obstacle. It is the only thing that can quench the deepest thirst within you. Get back in touch with your desire. Start with your body. It knows what you want. Listen to the hunger that whispers, and the ones that roar. Pay attention to the magnetic fields that draw you toward one person and away from another. Give your thinking mind a mini-retirement and let your sex make your decisions for a day. (Or a month.) Say yes when you want to say yes. Say no when you want to say no. If you don’t know, say maybe. But follow your desires without dumbing them down. They may not lead you where you wanted to go, but they will never lead you astray.
~Unknown
*If you recognize the tune, then you'll agree it's a fantastic cover.
