It's All Relevant

The idea that we can achieve happiness by maximizing pleasure and minimizing pain is both intuitive and popular. The truth is, however, very different. Pleasure alone can not make us happy.

Take Christina Onassis, the daughter of shipping tycoon Aristotle Onassis. She inherited wealth beyond imagination and spent it on extravagant pleasures in an attempt to alleviate her unhappiness. She died at 37 and her biography, tellingly subtitled All the Pain Money Can Buy, recounts a life full of mind-boggling extravagance that contributed to her suffering.

Aldous Huxley recognized the possibility that endless pleasure may actually lead to dystopian societies in his 1932 novel Brave New World. Although the idea of endless pleasure seems idyllic, the reality is often very different.

We need the pain to provide a contrast for pleasure; without pain, life becomes dull, boring, and downright undesirable. Like a chocoholic in a chocolate shop, we soon forget what it was that made our desires so desirable in the first place.

Emerging evidence suggests that pain may actually enhance the pleasure and happiness we derive from life. As my colleagues and I recently outlined in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Review, pain promotes pleasure and keeps us connected to the world around us.

Pain Builds Pleasure

An excellent example of how pain may enhance pleasure is the experience commonly referred to as “the runner's high”. After intense physical exertion, runners experience a sense of euphoria that has been linked to the production of opioids, a neurochemical that is also released in response to pain.

Other work has shown that experiencing relief from pain not only increases our feelings of happiness but also reduces our feelings of sadness. Pain may not be a pleasurable experience itself, but it builds our pleasure in ways that pleasure alone simply cannot achieve.

Pain may also make us feel more justified in rewarding ourselves with pleasant experiences. Just think how many people indulge themselves a little after a trip to the gym.

My colleagues and I tested this possibility by asking people to hold their hands in a bucket of ice-water and then offered them the choice of either a Caramello Koala or a fluorescent highlighter to take with them as a gift.

Participants who did not experience any pain chose the highlighter 74% of the time. But those who had pain only chose it 40% of the time – they were more likely to take the chocolate. Pain, it seems, can make chocolate guilt-free!

Pain Connects Us To Our World

People are constantly seeking new ways to clear their minds and connect with their immediate experiences. Just think of the popularity of mindfulness and meditation exercises, both of which aim to bring us in touch with our direct experience of the world.

There is a good reason to believe pain may be effective in achieving this same goal. Why? Because pain captures our attention.

Imagine dropping a large book on your toe mid-conversation. Would you finish the conversation or attend to your toe? Pain drags us into the moment and after pain, we are more alert and attuned to our sensory environment – less caught up in our thoughts about yesterday or tomorrow.

My colleagues and I recently tested whether this effect of pain may also have some benefits. We asked people to eat a Tim Tam chocolate biscuit after holding their hand in a bucket of ice-cold water for as long as they could. We found that people who experienced pain before eating the Tim Tam enjoyed it more than those who did not have pain.

In two follow-up studies, we showed that pain increases the intensity of a range of different tastes and reduces people’s threshold for detecting different flavors. One reason people enjoyed the Tim Tam more after pain was that it actually tasted better – the flavor they experienced was more intense and they were more sensitive to it.

Our findings shed light on why a Gatorade tastes so much better after a long hard run, why a cold beer is more pleasant after a day of hard labor, and why hot chocolate is more enjoyable after coming in from the cold.

Pain literally brings us in touch with our immediate sensory experience of the world, allowing for the possibility that pleasures can become more pleasant and more intense.

Pain Bond Us With Others

Anyone who has experienced a significant disaster will know that these events bring people together. Consider the 55,000 volunteers who helped clean up after the 2011 Brisbane floods or the sense of community spirit that developed in New York in response to 911.

Painful ceremonies have been used throughout history to create cooperation and cohesion within groups of people. A recent study examining one such ritual – the kavadi in Mauritius – found that participants who experienced pain were more likely to donate money to a community cause, as were those who had simply observed the ceremony. The experience of pain, or simply observing others in pain, made people more generous.

Building on this work, my colleagues and I had people experience pain in groups. Across three studies, again, participants either immersed their hand in ice-water and held a squat position for as long as they could, or ate very hot raw chilies.

We compared these experiences to a no-pain control condition and found pain increased cooperation within the group. After sharing the pain, people felt more bonded together and were also more cooperative in an economic game: they were more likely to take personal risks to benefit the group as a whole.

A Different Side Of Pain

Pain is commonly associated with illness, injury or harm. Often we don’t see pain until it is associated with a problem and in these cases, pain may have few benefits at all. Yet, we also experience pain in a range of common and healthy activities.

Consider the recent ALS (amyotrophic lateral sclerosis) ice-bucket challenge. By dousing ourselves in ice water we were able to raise unprecedented support for a good cause.

Understanding that pain can have a range of positive consequences is not only important for better understanding pain, but may also help us manage pain when it does become a problem. Framing pain as a positive, rather than negative, increases neurochemical responses that help us better manage pain.

(source via I Fucking Love Science)

–-Library for Kinksters.

She's The One ~ Bruce Springsteen

With her killer graces
And her secret places
That no boy can fill
With her hands on her hips
Oh and that smile on her lips
Because she knows that it kills me
With her soft French cream
Standing in that doorway like a dream
I wish she'd just leave me alone
Because French cream won't soften them boots
And French kisses will not break that heart of stone
With her long hair falling
And her eyes that shine like a midnight sun
Oh she's the one
She's the one

That thunder in your heart
At night when you're kneeling in the dark
It says you're never gonna leave her
But there's this angel in her eyes
That tells such desperate lies
And all you want to do is believe her
And tonight you'll try
Just one more time
To leave it all behind
And to break on through
Oh she can take you
But if she wants to break you
She's gonna find out that ain't so easy to do
And no matter where you sleep
Tonight or how far you run
Oh she's the one
She's the one

Oh and just one kiss
She'd fill them long summer nights
With her tenderness
That secret pact you made
Back when her love could save you
From the bitterness
Oh she's the one
Oh she's the one
Oh she's the one
Oh she's the one

What Getting Chills from Music Says About Your Brain
By: Reuben Westmaas

Music seems to have a primal hold on us, reaching the very core of what means be human and reminding us that we are all small-town girls, living in lonely worlds. And when finally hits that chorus, you know that you'll never stop believing. We have chills — do you have chills? If so, you might have a very special kind of brain.

A Sensory Superpower
As it turns out, getting chills from music is not as common as you might think. Researchers from USC released a study that suggests that about 50 percent of people feel things like shivers, a lump in their throat, and goosebumps when they listen to music. What's more, those people might have very different brains than those who don't experience those feelings.

First, they gathered 20 people and had them listen to a selection of their favorite songs. Whenever they felt a chill, they pressed a button. All 20 were then given MRI scans — and the reported reactions were obvious standouts. Their brains turned out to have a much higher volume of fibers connecting their auditory cortex to the areas that process emotion.

More fibers mean that those two areas of the brain can communicate much more effectively. It also means that, because their emotional processing centers are beefier, those people are more able to experience extreme emotions.

A Feeling of Frisson
This study might shed a light on the causes of the phenomenon, but it's been well documented for years.. The phenomenon of chills or goosebumps that come from a piece of music (or from any other aesthetic experience) is called frisson, and 's been one of the big mysteries of human nature since was first described.

That's because even if we know the actual mechanism that causes frisson — a close connection to the emotional processing center — we don't know what purpose could serve us. But other studies have suggested some potential benefits of this kind of behavior.

One report from 2007 found that individuals who experience frisson are more open to new experiences than others, and other studies described higher levels of creativity and intellectual curiosity. In other words, the appreciation of beauty is central to what makes us human, and frisson is just a super-charged version of that appreciation.

"Intellectual, imaginative, romantic, emotional. This is what gives sex its surprising textures, its subtle transformations, its aphrodisiac elements. Sex loses all its power and magic when it becomes explicit, mechanical, overdone when it becomes a mechanistic obsession. It becomes a bore. You are shrinking your world of sensations. You are withering it, starving it, draining its blood. If you nourished your sexual life with all the excitements and adventures which love injects into sensuality, you would be the most potent human being in the world. The source of sexual power is curiosity, passion. You are watching its little flame die of asphyxiation. Sex does not thrive on monotony. Sex must be mixed with tears, laughter, words, promises, scenes, jealousy, envy, all of the spices of fear, foreign travel, new faces, novels, stories, dreams, fantasies, music, dancing, opium, wine."

— Anaïs Nin, The Diary Of Anais Nin

When you start to really know someone, all his physical characteristics start to disappear. You begin to dwell in his energy, recognize the scent of his skin. You see only the essence of the person, not the shell. That's why you can't fall in love with beauty. You can lust after it, be infatuated by it, want to own it. You can love it with your eyes and body but not your heart. And that's why, when you really connect with a person's inner self, any physical imperfections disappear, become irrelevant.

~Lisa Unger, Beautiful Lies

She lives alone, in a small rental apartment that she spent way too much time decorating. She is content, happy. Or so it appears. She walks around in her panties and bra, sometimes nothing at all. Her coiled hair pulled up and dressed in silk, her skin glowing. The earth resting at her lips, she inhales then exhales slowly. Eyes closed as she floats around that bijou space. Lauryn Hill, Jill Scott, Erykah Badu serenading her background. Incense burns slowly, the smell of sage, lavender coats the air. She falls into her mattress of pillows and smiles. Eyes still resting shut she slides her fingers over her belly and into her panties. A lip bite occurs as she lets herself become lost in her own ecstasy. Confidence, she wears well, she doesn’t need another soul to feel complete. She is enough for herself. She is relishing in all her fire, setting her own heart ablaze.

K.A.M ( @inmyownwordz ) 

 
 
 
 

First, what is an Empath? For me, it is picking up energy and cues from those around me. I absorb other’s energy. I don’t just understand how someone is feeling. I experience those feelings myself. Because of this, I have to be very careful who I am around and who I let into my Fruit Loop size circle. Some people believe it is about mysticism. For them, it is almost spiritual. To each their own, it’s just not what I believe. Now, everyone has gut instincts, and some are more in tune with it than others. For an empath, these are heightened feelings. They are very strong and sometimes overwhelming. It isn’t just a warning bell…. It’s a siren with flashing reds and blues. When I come across a toxic person for instance. I know generally within just a couple mins. My energy is almost immediately zapped, I am on edge, my stomach is in knots and all my defenses kick into overdrive.

Typically with a great deal of reflection and analysis, I can figure out what behavior exactly is giving me the feeling I am getting when talking to someone. Sometimes it’s subtle though. It’s that overwhelming gut intuition that something is either very right or very wrong about the person I’m talking to. In-person, it might be body language, facial expressions, the way their eyes dart or gaze. It might be any number of mannerisms that tell me what I need to know. It isn’t just what they say. It’s how they say it. The tone of voice, inflections, specific language, etc. Online can be trickier, but I still pick up energy when I open a blog, email or message. When there is little to go on, I proceed very cautiously. Feeling the person out until I have more to go on. Though occasionally even a hello will set off warning bells for unknown reasons. I’ve learned to trust that, even if I can’t understand it. It’s never steered me wrong.

Many strong Dominants do this with logic and reasoning. They pay attention to all those things with a purpose. The difference for an empath is, more often than not, we have no idea we’re doing this. (Dominants can be empaths too. but I don’t have any experience there to draw on, so I can’t really say anything about that.) An empath who knows themselves well will understand this, listen to their body’s cues about a person, and respond accordingly. I didn’t know I was an empath until I realized I was married to a narcissist. I had learned to distrust those intuitions. That was quite a journey. But I am in a better place, and I have discovered this superpower of mine.

I was talking with a mutual last week and he mentioned that natural subs tend to have a type of Spidey sense when it comes to recognizing strong Doms. He was right. I can know pretty quickly if a Dom’s style is going to mesh well with my own. I know almost instantly if the person I am talking to is capable of controlling or Dominating me. It’s part of being an empathic sub. So our first advantage to this, (When we trust and are honed into our instincts) is the ability to recognize a Dom that has strong potential for us. That doesn’t mean every encounter will work out or be long-lasting. But when we have a strong understanding of ourselves we’re far less likely to find ourselves in bad and damaging relationships.

It also serves us well in our service of others. Anticipating needs is something I thrive at. It isn’t always what your Dom may want though. So know your Dom and his expectations. However, you will find you are keener than most at doing things for others before they ask, and sometimes before they even realize they have a need or want. Ever grab a drink for someone simply because you were in the kitchen and the thought suddenly occurred that someone else was thirsty? In the service industry, this skill is invaluable to me.

Drawbacks. Empaths tend to be very guarded. Even when they don’t know they are empaths. We’ve learned the hard way how emotionally exhausted we can get and we’ve had to learn to pull back, or risk needing to stay I bed for 5 days straight. We’ve been around energy vampires enough and have been in enough draining circumstances that we’re well aware of the potential fallout. So we don’t let many in our little Fruit Loop circles. Or we let them in the first 2 walls…. ignoring the 6 mile high walls behind those 2 with the alligator-filled moats and the fire-breathing dragon waiting to incinerate anyone who gets too close. (When the walls do finally come down… it will allow for an incredibly deep bond) We get overwhelmed easily. Because of this, we can have a tendency to burn out. Things will be intense and fun and be going great, then we hit our limit and we want to run. More often than not, we’re likely not even aware of some of the sabotaging stuff we may be doing in these cases. The way to combat this is through communication. Thankfully, any good D/s relationship is going to thrive and have a strong foundation for communication. Rather than get stuck in your head when you’re overwhelmed…. you HAVE to talk about it. A good informed Dom will be able to work with you and come up with ways to manage these feelings. There are lots of self-care tips aimed specifically at empaths.

A non-empath feels everything an empath does. Again, the difference is that for an empath it is heightened. I can only speak from my own experiences, and what I’ve read while doing research. I know for me (And what I’ve read of others) Orgasms are heightened. I enter what I can only describe as a type of subspace. At least according to what I’ve read of subspace. After having a few in a row, my head goes fuzzy, I can’t really talk, I don’t have any real control over my body. Sometimes I am overly aware of everything around me, which is a type of sensory overload kind of way. Other times, it’s as though everything else just disappears. Empaths tend to be pretty intense when it comes to sex. But that means if you hit sub drop (I’ve only experienced this twice) it can feel devastating. The last time I experienced sub drop, it took well over a week to recover. It was almost a month before I really felt like myself. Part of the problem was both of these took place LD. I didn’t have anyone on-site, or even just in real life who was able to help me through it. I was also inexperienced enough to not really understand what was going on. I did not communicate it well as a result.

Doms, please read up on empaths. Be familiar with their needs. Read the tips for how they can recharge and ask lots of questions about how they are feeling and how their body is responding. My suspicion is that a lot of subs are also empaths. You will love the benefits of this homework. Empathic subs, be honest. Talk. Put it all out there. If you’re Dom can’t handle it, and they aren’t willing to learn, that tells you what you need to know. But don’t stop doing what you need to because you’re worried it won’t be received well. They cannot be a good Dom if you won’t let them be a Dom, and that means giving them all the necessary information. (When it is right to do so, you don’t need to lay all this out in the first conversation, it is something that should be discussed when having those foundational discussions though)

Being an empath has a lot of wonderful advantages. But it also comes with some unique challenges and responsibilities. When tended to properly, it is beautiful. There are some great articles online to look up that may help you understand yourself better. Google the hell out of it.

Passion, lies in all of us, sleeping… Waiting… and though unwanted… Unbidden… it will stir… Open its jaws and howl. It speaks to us… guides us… Passion rules us all, and we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love… The clarity of hatred… and the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion maybe we’d know some kind of peace… But we would be hollow… Empty rooms shuttered and dark. Without passion, We’d be truly dead.

Make no mistake, Dominance and submission is a religious activity.

It’s about routine, and ceremony, and protocol.

It’s about worship, not necessarily of the Dominant, but of the places that it can take us.

It’s about spirituality and finding that small, quiet spot inside of you, and how to embellish it, make it become something vast and powerful, something to consume you when you want it to.

It’s about prayer, sometimes. Except here you can have your prayers answered, so long as you’re realistic enough about them. Knowing that your deity is fallible but most certainly there can do wonders for faith.

And it is about faith. But it’s also about knowing how far to take that faith, and when to realize that faith isn’t all you can rely on.

~Uknown