“You’re not really all that submissive.”
This came from a man who messaged me, intrigued by my submissive heart. He said I was clearly a natural submissive—someone who needed it to the core of my being. So far so good… But then he said he appreciated a woman who knows her place. And seriously, fuck that. I felt compelled to correct him. I responded that I am not a woman who knows her place; I am a woman who is seeking to create a place at the feet of a person who has earned it. Then I wished him luck in his search for someone. He was stunned that I would stop talking to him over “something small” like the way he phrased a sentence. He called me rigid, and he challenged my identity. Not really all that submissive.
But the thing is, dating as a submissive is fundamentally different from dating vanilla. There’s a weird duality that submissives must balance. Single submissives must look for someone they want to follow while also maintaining strong boundaries. It’s hard to hold back when you are a person who yearns to please others. But they have to be someone who deserves it—someone who has proven they are worthy of devoted submission. So when I’m dating, I have to hold back. I don’t give up control to anyone until I am overwhelmed by the need to submit. It’s only then that I know I’ve found someone worth following—someone who has inspired me to kneel.
That doesn’t happen often. I am looking for a very specific thing—a long-term relationship with ownership and power exchange at the core, woven into everything we do. I’m looking to build a life with someone. I’m looking for a person to be my person—to sleep by my side, to live an everyday kind of love. That is not an easy thing to find under normal circumstances. With the added layer of D/s, I know I may be searching for a long time.
And yet, I would rather be alone than compromise. It’s because I know the inevitable pain of compromise. I have left a man I loved deeply because he was incapable of D/s. I have been devastated by the loss of a Dom who knew he could never be the everyday love I needed. I don’t regret those relationships, but I’m also not eager to repeat that pain. No, I will not date you if you are married and/or polyamorous with a primary partner. I will not date you if you want a vanilla relationship plus bedroom kink. I will not date you if you are long-distance. I know those roads. They almost never lead where I want to go.
I have been called uncompromising—and as a result, unsubmissive. But I’m uncompromising precisely because I am so deeply submissive. When I give, I give my whole self. I take down all my walls, and I put my Owner’s needs first. I see ownership as all-encompassing and nearly limitless. There is no part of me that my Owner shouldn’t know or see or touch. To build that kind of bond, I have to be careful who I choose as a partner. I can’t compromise what I know I need. If I do, I will never have it.
I can’t give my submission to just anyone. I have to give it to someone who needs the bond of ownership as much as I do. I have to give it to someone who shares my dreams and my vision for the future so that when I let them lead, I can follow with my whole heart. So yes, I am uncompromising—right up until the moment when I give everything. And I will settle for nothing less.
~Author Unknown