There are three keywords in lifestyle. Three words that most everyone knows, and if they don’t… they should.
Safe. Sane. Consensual. (Never understood why that isn’t spelled consentual, as the actual correct spelling makes it look like it refers to a different topic, but I digress)
Now, the SSC mantra is a vital part of the community, and how we look after ourselves and others. Or at least it’s supposed to be. More and more, however, I have seen a rather disturbing trend, both in observation and interaction. It seems that safe and sane (particularly the latter) are becoming the proverbial redheaded stepchildren… and consensual has become the alpha and omega.
To be absolutely clear, I am not saying NO ONE pays attention to safe and sane. I am discussing a thing I see as becoming common; the unwillingness to even question whether something someone is doing is, in fact, NOT safe or sane. I see or hear regularly one remark that stands as the perfect example of what I’m talking about. Say a picture or video or whatnot is the topic of conversation. The activity within the said photo is ‘extreme’. Likely the first reaction, and most prevalent afterward?
“Well, she/he consented.”
That’s it. The two "S" words of SSC? Not even mentioned. ONLY consent. Now, the equally disturbing icing on this already disturbing cake? Any person who does question, say, the sane factor…? Is likely to be met with the vitriolic barrage of “DON’T JUDGE!” that is the new normal. As if the mere act of trying to discuss a concern or issue is some kind of treason. THAT is not sane.
How can we, as a community, claim to stand behind SSC if we discourage or outright eliminate the opportunity to scrutinize things in our midst? The fact of the matter is… consent matters, but absolutely no more than its siblings, safe and sane.
I have seen things that horrify me. I’m sure many of us have. But if I commit the offense of actually voicing my concerns, I am met with this weird, seething anger, and the word ‘consented’ is thrown at me from every direction. At what point did it become so wrong to try and make sure our fellow community members are safe and sound?
I do not claim to have the perfect solution, nor the perfect yardstick upon which to judge what is sane and what isn’t. But that isn’t why I’m writing this. I’m expressing what I feel is a valid and rational concern… that discourse is being squashed, opposition shouted down versus engaged with, and two foundational elements of this lifestyle are often being shoved aside in favor of only one… and that one is not the one that protects us from harm.
Dissent is not the enemy. Questions are not hateful things. And safe and sane…?
Matter.
-The Girl in the Woman