1. TRUST AND COMMUNICATION ARE THE KEYS TO MAKING SM OR D/S WORK.
People make errors, most often out of ignorance. Trust depends on honest communication. Incomplete negotiation is an error, but dishonesty during negotiation is abusive manipulation. Errors are forgivable, and manipulation or coercion are indefensible. Trust is a precious gift that once violated is hard to restore.
2. BOTH DOMINANT AND SUBMISSIVE ARE HUMAN BEINGS EQUAL IN VALUE AND WORTH.
They are halves of a whole, yin, and yang. Neither can function as dominant or submissive without the other. Before a submissive can wisely transfer power, they must empower themselves. It's a cliche but a true one, that you can't love another before you love yourself. You also can't trust another before you learn to trust yourself. And you certainly can't give devotion to another person, unless you respect yourself.
It is important to understand the difference between fantasy and reality. While in fantasy the person may be merely a lowly slave, a pet, a fucktoy, or whatever makes you hot; in reality, the submissive is a human being of value and worth of respect.
3. THE CONTROL ASSUMED EQUALS THE RESPONSIBILITY ACCEPTED.
A dominant must understand that a person in a submissive state of mind during a scene is operating in a state of diminished capacity and their ability to make decisions is severely compromised. This is precisely the point of transferring control. This is why it is important to negotiate carefully before a scene. A submissive is entrusting his body, mind, and spirit to the dominant's care, which in my mind is a sacred covenant. If you aren't willing to accept responsibility for your actions, don't accept the power.
4. A DOM(ME) HAS ONLY THE POWER GIVEN TO HIM/HER BY CONSENT OF THE SUBMISSIVE.
The Dom can't decide unilaterally to take more control and the sub can't unilaterally decide that they want more control than is agreed to in the negotiation. However, both people have veto power, either can stop the power exchange at any time. Any changes in level, duration, or circumstances of control must be agreed to when both people are in a calm rational non-scene state of mind. Whether the agreement is for one scene or for a relationship this remains so.
Sex without consent is R8pe
Beating without consent is an assault
A safe word in a scene is the withdrawal of consent!
To play without a safe word increases the responsibility of the dominant rather than lessons it!!! This is something I would strongly advise against in most cases, especially outside of a long-term committed relationship. Safe words are *more* than ever needed in "punishment" scenes, rather than less because when the immediate pleasure of the submissive is of lower priority, it is more difficult for the Dom to know when enough is enough or if something has gone wrong.
5. A RELATIONSHIP THAT WORKS FOR ONE PERSON TO THE DETRIMENT OF ANOTHER IS ABUSIVE.
Again, it is important to remember the difference between fantasy and reality. While the sub may be lesser in importance in fantasy, in reality, their wants and needs are of equal importance. The submissive is transferring control and decision-making to the dominant to be used for BOTH their benefit.
Life doesn't come with a guarantee, when one gives trust there is always the chance of that trust being misused. With care, one can reduce the risk somewhat. But no matter how careful or not a person has been, this in no way excuses the abuse. DO NOT BLAME THE VICTIM. Frequently people fear talking about abuse because of negative responses... it becomes as if the victim is abused twice when this occurs. People who make excuses for abusers are enablers that compound the problem.
~~Molly Devon
