Dating is a bizarre ritual, and frankly, it’s one I’ve never understood. My relationships have always just sort of happened. We were friends first, or there was a spark and we dove in. At least that’s how my brain tells the story. I know every relationship began with uncertainty and wondering if I should say this or do that. But nearly a year into dating again, I find myself completely perplexed by it.
Then there’s D/s dating. It occurred to me last week that I have no fucking clue what I’m doing. And that’s probably because I’ve never really done it before. Sure, I’ve had D/s relationships. But they have been in the context of looking for a Dominant, not looking for a partner who wants to own me. There’s a difference.
When you are just looking for a Dom, you make sure they want what you want, that you like them as a person, and that your must-have kinks are a match. Then it begins. Rules, titles, tasks. And bam, it’s A Thing. It happens quickly—or at least it always has for me.
But when you are looking for a whole person within D/s, it seems to happen more slowly. It’s more like vanilla dating. You talk. You learn about each other. You live in the grey area for longer, not sure if it is or it isn’t. You give up control, but gradually. One piece at a time. Then one day you wake up and realize you are owned.
As a person who needs clarity and order and instruction, this grey area is hard. I wonder if there are submissives out there who actually like dating. Or maybe we are all just giant balls of anxiety, trying to make it to the point where we can submit—where we feel inspired to give control to a person who wants to take it. There is a deep comfort in finding a leader worth following. I can build my own clarity and order, but somehow, it’s more fulfilling when it comes from another.
Still, there’s tension in dating. How do you make sure a person wants the same depth of dynamic while also letting the power exchange unfold organically? When do you start to give up pieces of control? How can I convey my desire to submit without giving too much too soon? Am I undermining the foundation of a deeper dynamic by expressing my kinky, slutty side?
Of course, these are not so different from vanilla worries. There’s a lot of vulnerability early on in dating. But somehow as a submissive, I feel less comfortable just stumbling into it. It’s hard to trust that the power exchange will develop in its own time. I want to project manage the process—to see in black and white that it exists or will exist at some appointed time. Ironically, letting go of control is not always one of my strong suits.
But then a text message comes, and there’s an instruction. The first instruction. Small. Simple. And yet, it speaks volumes. It says he’s thinking of me. It says he wants control. It says he knows I will obey. And I do, gleefully. He tells me he appreciates my prompt obedience. And just like that, some of the uncertainty clears away. It’s a first step. And oh, how it makes me want to take a second.
~cherished property
I love this version of this Counting Crows song. In my opinion, it's the very Best.